Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #8 – “Rise of Raptor (Finale)”! In the previous installment, the Raptor is always four steps ahead of Nightwing and seventeen steps ahead of Batman! And now Raptor has kidnapped Batman! For Nightwing this time it’s personal, but it seems like it’s always been personal.

This is also about Nightwing’s mother, the broad who died doing the trapeze tricks. I don’t know why she’s involved yet, but perhaps light will be shed on the situation at hand.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #8 [January, 2017]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Rise of Raptor (Part 2)”

Speaking of the circus, there’s a flashback of the Grayson family in their weird little circus trailer, late at night, with a kid named Tombo snoring like this: “SNNNRT! SNNNRT!” Dick cannot sleep with this racket, so he leaves the bedroom and sees his parents talking in the kitchenette.

“Look, Mary, I understand what these people mean to you, but it’s risky enough to have you in the public eye.”

“John, it’s a circus.”

“Still, what if the authorities link you two together? Dick needs both his parents.”

Dick hides while eavesdropping. Mary says turning “him” away would be dishonorable, but John’s right. “I’ll tell him to keep his distance. At least for now.”

Mary continues to talk about how this “him”, whoever “he” is, has intense eyes. Bird of prey eyes. “He” makes Mary uncomfortable, and it’s not just the unwanted heavy petting!

Flashforward to the present day, where Nightwing realizes that Raptor has always been around. Always watching. And now Raptor has Bruce Wayne. Well, nutz to that! Nightwing is tempted to call the whole gang; Titans, Batgirl, Spyral, Jose Conseco. But no, Raptor wants this to be personal (he assumes), so Nightwing is going alone (like a dummy).

The still-dapper Bruce Wayne is tied to a dang chair in the middle of a currently empty construction site. Strapped by his arms, his legs, and his fat neck. The laser-cutting tool he keeps in his watch is gone, as is the batarang he keeps in his stinky sock.

Bruce tries to bargain, saying that he helped Nightwing bring down the Parliament of Owls. There’s still some good that can be done! Raptor says no, things have already been settled. “You took Dick Grayson from his home. From his people. You raised him in your world of privilege. You indoctrinated him in your version of justice. You turned him into a weapon for the rich in your war against the poor and desperate. You ruined Dick Grayson, ‘Batman’! And for that, you’re going to face real justice.”

Like, seriously, how can you not be on Raptor’s side with this? Fuck the rich.

So is he going to kill Bruce? Unfortunately, no. Ever since the kidnapping, Wayne stocks have risen! And when Wayne stocks rise to $200 per share, a lever will be released that shoves a silver spoon right into Bruce’s heart. How’s that for the stupidest Rube Goldberg device you’ve ever heard of?

Gross!

Suddenly, Raptor and Bruce hear the sound of a nightstick hitting a wall. Nightwing has shown up to ruin the party! “You’re just in time for your final lesson–” says Raptor as a second nightstick plows him right between the eyes, breaking his mask.

But Raptor just laughs it away. “You did good, ‘wing. You played the long game. You made the right sacrifices.” He picks a chip of plastic off of his nose and glares with those creepy yellow eyes of his.

“I’M DONE PLAYING YOUR GAME!” Nightwing cries as he uppercuts a bitch. Raptor moans and groans on the ground while Nightwing checks in on his butt buddy Bruce. Raptor flips a switch, which sends the platform, that Bruce’s chair is apparently on, to the sky. “NO!” yells Nightwing daintily.

“They want us to turn on each other,” says Raptor. “To be distracted by little things like whose god said what, and what shade our man-suit is. To squabble over our preferred brands.” Raptor sends Nightwing flying in the other direction with his super magic fightin’ glove. “Then when our man-suits are beaten and bloodied, and our gods have stopped talking, they want us to ask them for help.”

Raptor yaps and yaps, and Nightwing is tired of it. So he knees Raptor in the face at 400mph, breaking more of his mask, pushing his nose into his brain.

At this time Raptor begins telling his life story while throwing Nightwing around. He grew up in the circus too, he was an immigrant from [UNDISCLOSED], the local government didn’t like dirty little immigrants hanging around, especially since Raptor contracted leprosy! Treatable by normal drugs like cocaine and heroin, of course, but he didn’t have access at the time to such wonderful, wonderful drugs. “So my skin blistered, my nerves died, my fingers curled.”

While he became a pariah, there was but one person who treated him with dignity.

Every issue of Nightwing should be him getting tossed through wood and glass while being calmly talked at.

It was, of course, Nightwing’s mother. Young and full of fire, she was! Together, Raptor and Mrs. Nightwing would scale tall buildings and steal antibiotics and inoculants. And then that turned into stealing other things for the purposes of, you know, robbing the rich to give to the poor.

“I wasn’t one to make oaths, but I made one that day. To her. To Marie the Skydancer. Mary Lloyd. Your mom.”

And once Raptor recovered from the, uh, leprosy, he followed Marie the Skydancer wherever she went. “I was always there. One foot in the darkness. Watching. Protecting. Until Marie was killed by a selfish man who didn’t get money that wasn’t his. Until you were dragged away from Marie’s body by Bruce Wayne. A billionaire who delivered a kind of justice that wasn’t his to deliver. Who took a son who wasn’t his to raise. Bruce Wayne is everything your mother despised.”

And Nightwing needs to see justice served!

Well, Nightwing understands a little bit more now. Raptor loved his mother. He was a motherlover, so to speak. But she died, and he thought that he failed her. “You blamed yourself until it broke you.” Stuck in one moment in your life. Sound familiar? *points to the blowjob in the corner* You’re just like Bruce Wayne, friendo.

Nightwing cracks Raptor in the face a few more times while taunting him.

You see, because Bruce Wayne is the Perfect Man. And you, sir, don’t have enough dick to be Perfect.

It’s awfully convenient now that all Nightwing had to say was “you’re just like Bruce” to really throw this fucking guy off of his game. Distracted and stiff, Raptor doesn’t connect any blow. Nightwing eventually snaps his arm and then kicks him to the ground, leaving him writhing in non-agony (because Raptor can’t feel pain, you see).

In short, Nightwing saves Bruce and/or the day.

Eventually, some guy named Tiger shows up to take Raptor away. “’The Raptor’ is wanted in seventeen countries. Spyral is more than happy to take him into custody,” says Tiger. And also, if he starts babbling some fool-ass nonsense about Bruce Wayne being Batman, Spyral has technology called “Hypnos” that will change his fool-ass mind! So don’t worry Bruce – er, I mean, Batman – er, I mean, Bruce *winks so hard you can hear it in space*

Nightwing whines to Bruce that this is all his fault, and who could argue with that, honestly?

“Raptor did this all because of me,” says Nightwing. “He almost killed you, Bruce. You fell, and…”

“Dick,” interrupts Bruce, “I didn’t fall. I jumped. I jumped because I knew you’d catch me.”

*farts so hard it drowns out that wink*

Final Thoughts

WHY DO ALL THESE COMICS END SO ANTICLIMACTICALLY? Raptor kicks this kid’s ass for pages upon pages, issues upon issues, and all Nightwing had to do to psychologically torment the guy was go “more like you’re Bruce”.

Stupid Nightwing Comics. This circus shit is for the birds.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #7 – “Rise of Raptor (Part 1)”! In the previous storyline, Nightwing earns the trust of a rogue vigilante named Raptor whom he assists to thwart the Court of Owls. However, Raptor was double-crossing Nightwing and, without his knowledge, stole a reprint of the Book of Wisdom! What this means I don’t know, nor care, and now we’re left with continuing the story for two more issues!

This Nightwing series is much better than the New 52 series so far even though there are myriad references to circuses, and I’m not on board with that at all! Do a flying trapeze backflip into a pool of butts, why don’t you, Dick Grayson?

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #7 [December, 2016]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Rise of Raptor (Part 1)”

The cover art depicts Nightwing looking at a circus poster of his dead circus parents. As you may recall, they either fell from the trapeze or got mauled by a few circus lions. I don’t remember. I don’t care.

Nightwing is leaping around Sydney, Australia, looking for some vegemite. He’s atop the Sydney Tower, and when Nightwing is super high he feels better, so to speak. The problems melt away like so much Land o’ Lakes butter.

He catches up with a man named Tiger, who has a crime-bustin’ posse. Nightwing thanks him for letting him hang; getting out of Gotham for a while is just what the doctor ordered. Tiger says that it ain’t no thing. He apologizes about Red Robin, who died in a comic book sometime earlier. I don’t remember. I don’t care.

“Though international conspirator organizations fall under the purview of Spyral… the Parliament of Owls was your ‘collar’,” says Tiger, making no sense to my eyes and ears. “It seems only fair that you get to see the looks on their faces.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Head Owl is on the roof of a tall-ass building looking at the Sydney cityscape. He’s at a fancy dinner party discussing the “Book of Wisdom”, quotes and all.

“The Parliament was my collar,” Nightwing thinks as Tiger and Friends get ready to bust the party. “But I didn’t do it alone. I had help. Not from Batman. Not from the Titans. From a guy named Raptor. A thief. A criminal. A ‘bad’ guy.”

The dinner party guests are discussing the link from the “Book of Wisdom” to Mr. Head Owl’s Parliament involvement. Apparently, it could give the whole game up! But not to worry. As far as Mr. Head Owl knew, he was making charitable donations to an endangered wild animal protection fund! Owls, y’know.

Suddenly, the butler injects himself with something that starts turning him into a monster! Oh no! And Nightwing’s crew just made it to the door, too. What’s the sound? A “HCCCCH!” AN “AAAIIIGH!” Then a stupid giant bug monster busting down the door going “For the Kali-Yuga! For blood and chaos! HCCCH!”

He proves to be a good match for Nightwing, Tiger, and a bunch of red shirts who get thrown around and probably killed to death. Nightwing hits it in the mouth with the butt of a gun and knocks it unconscious easily, so that’s that. Tiger leans down next to the beast. “I’ve seen this before. A Kobra convert. Genetically enhanced devout assassins.” Well snap, sir. That sounds like something I wouldn’t want to get involved in at all! Let’s all just go home and play our Xboxes!

Oh yeah, all the Owls in attendance are dead. Wakka wakka!

Tiger gets a call from Spyral Headquarters. A guy named Duff is trying to parse the “Book of Wisdom” somehow – I don’t know how he got it – and says something about how a machine has a backdoor transmitter. “Whenever we translated a name from one of the coins, it sent a copy somewhere else. Send the Midnighter to protect other alleged Owls. I’m going to talk to the former Agent 37…”

Whatever that all means. God, reading this makes me want to jump off a balcony!

RIP Nightwing. Committed hella suicide in Sydney, Australia. A funeral will be held in his butt.

Anyway, Tiger is like “I THOUGHT WE COULD TRUST THIS RAPTOR” and Nightwing is going to go find Raptor and give him a piece of his mind.

In the next panel, Nightwing is in Istanbul. It doesn’t explain how he got there or how long it took. He’s just fucking there like he has teleportation powers. He visits Raptor in his, er, lair, where he’s listening to music. Raptor tries to get Nightwing to sing along, but Nightwing puts on his best hardened face and frowns heavily. “So you’re not here to jam…” says Raptor. “I know… celebratory beer. A drink to the demise of the Parliament of Owls.”

“I’m not celebrating, Raptor. The Sydney Owls are dead. You made Dr. Leviticus rig the Book of Wisdom! You used me!”

Ahh, ok. I sort of understand what’s going on now.

(?)

Raptor is nonplussed by Nightwing’s outburst, then advises the kid to settle down and shut up. “Maybe if you cooperate,” Nightwing says, tenderly grabbing Raptor’s arm, “you’ll get off with an accessory to murder charge.”

Raptor argues that he didn’t murder shit. “I let the Owls hire me so that I could destroy them from the inside. Just like you,” he says, taking a swig of Celebration Hooch. “Some of those rich, entitled bastards got killed in retaliation for pissing off Kobra? That’s justice.”

Nightwing pushes Raptor through a wall, which is a disproportionate response if I’ve ever seen one! He should have turned the Owls over to the law, because, yeah, that would’ve been better. Pffft. Raptor responds in kind by cracking the kid in the head and scolding him for still sticking to Batman’s version of justice. A version that sucks. The version where the elite get slaps on the wrists and the poor get pooped on by large butts. “This kind of justice – my justice – is what your mother would have wanted.”

Relax there, Grayson. Don’t get your Dick wrapped up in a knot.

Nightwing gets all “DON’T TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER THAT WAY” and starts attacking. Raptor is no match for this kid; slamming him all over the place, telling him that this isn’t about anything other knowing more about Raptor and Mary Lloyd. About Raptor and Dick Grayson, for that matter. Yes, yes, your “secret” identity. Raptor knows all about you, kid. You’re one of his “hobbies”.

Nightwing’s life flashes before his eyes, but not really. What he sees is a bulletin board full of photos, newspaper clippings and other collectibles of Dick Grayson throughout his whole life: circus kid to Robin to Nightwing. Sad stuff, honestly. Raptor shouldn’t be showing this creepy shit off.

“You’ve been following me? Did you set this all up?! Is this some kind of sick game?!” Nightwing cracks him hard with one of his Nightwing Sticks and demands that he take off his mask so that he can see his real face. “I let you keep your secrets for too long! Who the hell are you?”

KRAK. TUNK. WAP. TAK.

After a few blows, Raptor has had enough. He uses his magic glove, Suyolak, to punch Nightwing in the neck and inject him with drug juice. He calls Nightwing soft and coddled, which is 100% fucking true. “It’s not totally your fault,” Raptor says. “You went from circus tent to silver spoon overnight. I get it, man. You’ve forgotten where you came from. What made you.”

In short, Nightwing needs to suffer more to get on the Raptor team. “You need someone to take everything away from you.”

While Nightwing loses consciousness in Turkey like a little cuck, Bruce Wayne is in his manor getting ready for a press conference. Albert powders his nose, how cute. Bruce asks his faithful to a fault butler if he has heard from Grayson lately, and Albert wordily answers no. He hasn’t been checking in with Bruce, probably because things are tense between the two of them lately.

Oh well! Press conference time!

And please, everyone, save the panty throwing until after the show.

Bruce is about to talk about all the giant monsters he has fought over the last couple of days, but he’s immediately interrupted by a hooded figure in the crowd. The dude is all like “You do more damage as a 1%-er than monsters and hurricanes combined!”

Then the hooded figure reveals himself to be Raptor. “Go ahead. Try and shut me up,” he smiles as he knocks down Bruce’s security guards with well-timed leg sweeps! All the while he bitches and moans about Gotham being taken over by Bruce’s corporate interests, etc. etc. etc. Get this commie out of here, I say!

“You can resist this kidnapping. You can try and fight me. You might even win,” Raptor says, continuing to take out security men. “But it’d take pretty much everything you have.”

Raptor grabs Bruce’s throat and brings him in close enough for kissies. “And everyone would know that foppish philanthropist and entrepreneur Bruce Wayne is just a consumer-friendly public face,” he says quietly. “Everyone would know you’re… Batman.”

Bruce snarls, but Raptor is unphased by snarls! “How are we going to do this Bruce?” he smiles. Bruce readies a fist for a moment, then relaxes his hand. Raptor ties him up with ropes, calls him everything he despises, “but if there’s one thing I respect about you… is that you always stay on-brand.”

And with that, Raptor lifts Bruce into the air with his drone and carries him away, never to be seen again! Bye-bye, Batfuck.

Elsewhere, and by “Elsewhere” I mean “the Batcave”, and by “the Batcave” I mean “that smelly hole Bruce likes to hang out in”, Nightwing wakes up to an alarm and to Damian Wayne dressed up in his cute little Robin outfit. “While you were napping on some beach, Father was kidnapped!” Robin whines. “And the perpetrator matches the description of your new best friend!”

Nightwing oozes drool out of his face and stammers and stutters about how Raptor is not his friend! First of all, he goddamned drugged him! Second of all, do you see any friendship bracelets on his person? Exactly.

And Robin’s going to sit this fight out, because it’s personal. It’s not just between Nightwing and Raptor. It’s between Raptor and Nightwing’s mother!

(?)

Final Thoughts

Yeah, well, good luck with that one, Dick. I’m going to sit back myself and watch Stargate SG-1 reruns.