Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11 – “Only Fear”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Jedi’s End storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11 – “Only Fear”! In the previous short storyline, Avar Kriss has the brilliant idea to have Keeve Trennis infiltrate the Nihil by posing as one of them.

It doesn’t work. Lourna Dee found them out quick. And not only that, but Lourna Dee starts unleashing some sort of power that turns Terec into stone. And Ceret feels the pain.

And now the aftermath of such a fucking debacle.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11 [January, 2022]
Written by: Cavan Scott
“Only Fear”

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11

Xais in the Outer Rim is where the Nihil are right now, and Keeve cries profusely as she sees Terec getting hella killed or something. Also, the room is swirling, swirling, swirling, and she doesn’t know what’s going on at all. And she’s scared, which is not a very Jedi-like state of mind. She should retire from Jedi duties and flip burgers at the Krusty Krab.

Terec is a swirling mass of nightmarish features, as if he’s being turned inside-out. “I don’t know what it is,” thinks Keeve. “The thing in the box that shouldn’t exist. The thing in the box that got into my brain. What is it? Oh kriff, please someone tell me what it is. Someone make it stop!”

Zeetar approaches behind her in his magic robot suit. “So much for the mighty Jedi…” he says as he readies to kill the girl with a hot blast of fiery blue cum. A fraction of a second before he pulls the trigger on the blast of fiery blue cum, Lourna Dee slashes the gun with Keeve’s lightsaber. “ZEETAR — DON’T!” she screams. “We need the Jedi alive. To see if what happened on Grizal was a fluke… or the beginning of the end.”

Terec calcifies before everyone’s very eyes, which means Ceret is also calcifying before everyone’s very eyes back on the Ataraxia. Avar Kriss can’t sense the Force in him anymore… or even Sskeer for that matter, but I think that’s old news.

Ceret weakly mutters about needing to get to Terec. To do what exactly, I don’t know. Watch Terec’s death? The rest of the crew thinks Ceret should go to sick bay instead, but Ceret says “NO!” and runs around like a jackrabbit in heat. Then he changes the Ataraxia’s course, which is fine because that means he’ll be taking them straight to Terec and Keeve.

As for the Force in general, well… no one can sense it anymore. It’s dead as a doornail, sir. Kaput.

The Ataraxia eventually reaches Xais, but the doctor in sick bay can’t read any life signs in Ceret anymore. Dude is dead a doornail. Kaput. History, see?

Kriss says Ceret, and possibly Terec, have put themselves in a hibernation trance WHICH IS AWFULLY CONVENIENT TIMING, IF YOU ASK ME.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11

It’s like a Tamagotchi I had back in 1997. Ceret and Terec are probably somewhere in the couch cushions.

A loud “KROOM” rocks the Ataraxia. They’re being shot at by a big, mean ship. A few big, mean ships. Kriss as Sskeer will make short work of them while Nooran and Galdros (?) man the vessel. Aim to disable, not destroy! We’re Jedi, remember? We’re wusses!

Kriss and Sskeer run to a couple of Vectors docked in the docking bay of Vectors. Later, Nooran reports that the fighters are coming from the refinery down on the planet. Must be the Nihil base! I’m glad to see we’re catching up quickly here. They find Keeve’s stormship parked on the refinery parking lot, Section J, so they know she’s here! Capital! But… but why can’t Kriss sense them? Where’s that dang Force when you need it?

Sskeer presses a button on the Vector that blows one of the fighters to kingdom come, much to Kriss’ chagrin. “Jedi! Didn’t you hear me earlier? This is not our way.” Then Sskeer, this asshole, this motherfucker, he leaps out of his Vector with his lightsaber ready and says “Not for you, maybe – but it’s the only way I have left.”

Sskeer lands among a throng of Nihil ready to light ‘em up. “Tell me where ssshe is!” he demands of them while throwing his sword like a boomerang, bisecting a whole slew of Nihil at the stomach.

“I need to get down there Nooran,” Kriss reports back. “I thought Sskeer had turned a corner, but I should’ve known better. It’s as Master Yoda always says, once you walk the dark path – it’s forever in your heart.”

The dark path is fun though! Doritos and video games, buying things on the Internet, that’s what it’s all about!

Sskeer punches a guy in a robot suit so hard his facemask breaks in a torrent of glass. Lourna Dee isn’t going to trifle with this guy, that’s for sure, but Zeetar thinks he can take this guy on.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11

The initial question, of course, was “Does Sskeer love anime?”

Lourna Dee leaves Zeetar to his fun, which is interrupted by the hammer – the hammer he’s going to use to crack a skull – floating right out of his hand. “What the–?” he manages to eke out before Sskeer splits him in twain. Or at least he chops the robot in half. Zeeter must be small enough to not have been hurt.

Zeetar begs for mercy, which Sskeer finds quite comical indeed. Now’s a good time to ask where Keeve went, that little scamp. And Keeve, already in the vicinity, pokes her crying face around a corner. She tries to talk about the swirling, swirling, swirling, but she can barely speak coherently about it. “Terec!” she remembers, because why not. “Sskeer, we need to help Terec!”

Kriss comes out of her Vector looking quite defeated. “I’m not sure we can,” she says glumly. Terec is supine on the floor like a dingus.

Lourna Dee starts blasting off in her ship, and she’s the only person who would be able to explain what happened to Terec, and Ceret by proxy.

“As the Force is my witness,” Kriss says as Lourna Dee escapes again, “I’m not going to let her escape again!”

Final Thoughts

Hooo-weee! Lourna Dee is going to get her ass dismantled in about four issues. In the meantime, I see a pie cooling on someone’s windowsill. That’s my cue to exit.


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High Fidelity by Nick Hornby

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

High Fidelity

WELCOME, ONCE AGAIN, TO THE BOOK BONFIRE! The fact that this feature keeps getting updated proves that I’m not just sitting on my ass playing Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga all day. Although I’m doing that too. But I’m also reading actual novels with words and pages on the regular. Call me cultured if you must, and I really do believe you must. Or else.

Today’s topic is High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, and boy do I have stuff to say about this. First and foremost, I keep wanting to spell his name “Nick Horny” which makes me lol out loud like a 12-year-old. But it’s not all horniness (some pages of the book may disagree). It’s a tale of love, regret, anxiety, depression, restlessness, mid-life crises, and music. But enough about my sorry existence! Let’s talk about the book!

What stood out to me right away, for various reasons, was the 35-year-old protagonist. I wasn’t expecting this book to be about someone around my age, let alone someone around my age who finds himself grasping for threads of self-actualization. But here we are: Rob, a single 35-year-old college dropout who owns a failing record store in a low-traffic London neighborhood, struggles with a crisis of identity, relationship issues, and anxiety that he’s failing at life. It’s a jarring theme to see from a book from 1995. Rob would have been born in 1959 or 1960 – a full-blown Boomer. A full-blown Boomer who seems to have no potential, no ambition, floating through life aimlessly, going to see movies with his parents and their friends, struggling hard with relationships, and, for all intents and purposes, slacking. Involuntarily slacking, but slacking nonetheless. These are characteristics and attributes of a man of his generation! Reaganomics! Lift yourself up by your bootstraps and make something of yourself, you lazy sack of shit!

“Going to college in 1980 was mint, mate. How about those Cold War tensions? Total naff shit, wot?”
– Rob

Now, take my life. I graduated college. I got a career in my field. I’m raising a family in Chicago. My marriage is healthy, I think. These are all hallmarks of a man who has found success in life. Then why do I find Rob so relatable? I haven’t had half a dozen relationships. I don’t talk to my sad coworkers in my personal record store on a daily basis. I’m not British. So what is it?

Well, for starts, the music passion is very relatable. I liked reading a book by a guy who had working knowledge of music across several genres even if I’m not a big fan of what Rob likes (Motown soul, for one). I liked reading about Rob’s mixtape hobby, which is something I probably would’ve been all over if I were some loner in 1995. I could sense Rob’s desire to cloister himself in the comfort of his favorite music. Rob’s mid-life crisis would hit him right in the face whenever he wasn’t losing himself in his music obsession. Perhaps I do this too. Perhaps this is why I keep at least one earbud in my ear at all times UNLESS I’M IN THE SHOWER. But trust me, I’d do it there too if I could!

And maybe I’m kind of a jerk like Rob? Maybe I’m a bit snobby about my interests, at least on the inside. I’m not comfortable openly projecting my interests AND THAT’S WHAT THIS BLOG IS FOR. THANKS FOR READING. Rob very much wants to tell the reader why his taste in music is so great, endlessly mansplaining the history of CBGB or shoving his Top 5 lists in your face. And it’s all self-esteem and insecurity issues. It’s like he wants to let you know that he is intelligent about something, and it may as well be music. Hey, I’m kind of the same way, I guess.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE MOON MARTIN STREET FEVER ORIGINAL PRESSING, MATE? I’LL PAY YOU DOUBLE TO LET ME TAKE A FAT SHIT ON IT RIGHT HERE IN YOUR STORE.”
– Rob’s Customer

And maybe I’m floating through life, too. Am I happy with how things are panning out? Am I content with my situation? Sometimes I think people like Rob are lucky because they’re not entirely tied down. Putting down roots can be restrictive and anxiety-inducing, and sometimes I wonder if I’m made for it. On the other hand, Rob is tormented by his past relationships even decades later, and my dude has some serious codependency issues. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with confronting these past relationship partners square in the face and asking them, point blank, “why the fuck?” I could never do that. I would just wallow in my misery and abysmal mental health!

Man, books like these really bring it out of me. Let’s move on to discussion questions.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

Why is Rob so conflicted about remaining in the relationship with Laura?
Laura is Rob’s most recent failed relationship, and even though he argues at the beginning of the book that she doesn’t even crack the Top 5 devastations, it’s clear that this one really fucks Rob up. Most of the book centers around this tenuous relationship and why Rob decides to dredge up past heartaches to see where he’s going wrong.

Paramount to this conflict is Rob’s age. During the course of the book he turns 36, which is goddamned old. I mean, I’m 38. That’s old! And when you’re that old and your most serious relationship is long gone in your rearview mirror, you probably start to panic that yet another one didn’t go well. Rob is pretty desperate to make it work even if Laura boned the annoying upstairs neighbor, and is frantically clawing at the last remaining threads as Laura seems to have moved on more elegantly than he has.

“You’re a tosser, Rob. Your penis is shaped like a shrimp without its shell and your a right tosser.”
– Laura

Also, probably, Rob knows that Laura’s good for him. She’s a lawyer, so she’s smart. She used to have a punk hairstyle, so she’s sexy. She’s mature and well-adjusted (save for the cheating part). What’s not to like? Oh yeah, the cheating part. Maybe she’s not so good for him. Hell, I’m conflicted too! Let’s just move on.

Why is it so important for Rob to contact and meet the women who have dumped him? Does he find what he was hoping to discover?
Rob is pretty self-absorbed, and as a self-absorbed person he finds himself obsessed with knowing exactly why his exes dumped him because, hey, it couldn’t have been him, right? He’s certainly not self-destructive or clingy or anything like that!

Rob’s depressed, man. He’s internalizing a bunch of shame and blame and he probably wants to know exactly what he did to fuck it all up. I don’t think he finds out exactly what he wants to discover, because I think what he wants to discover is closure and vindication (which he doesn’t really get), but I think the mere act of facing his past was somewhat therapeutic for him. If I had any exes, I’d probably sure as shit want to keep tabs on them a little bit. I’d just be too chickenshit to ever call one up.

Did I answer the question? Who cares.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I connected strongly with this book, except for the failed love life and the failed business and the shitty nerd friends and the music taste without much overlap and the British-ness of everything and the slacker Boomer ’90s vibe. Other than that, though, it was uncanny!


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Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #11 – “Blüdhaven (Part 2)”

* Part 3 of 7 of the Back to Blüdhaven storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #11 – “Blüdhaven (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, getting the idea from Alternate Superman, who told Grayson that Alternate Nightwing made his home in Blüdhaven, Regular Nightwing sets up camp in Regular Blüdhaven. He gets bored fast trying to not be Nightwing, so after going out and being Nightwing for the first time, the Tourism Department Office catches wind and decides that Blüdhaven needs a superhero to bring in the masses.

Dick Grayson goes to the Community Center to volunteer helping Troubled Teens. His interviewer, Shawn Tsang, turns out to be Blüdhaven’s greatest ne’er-do-well! THE DEFACER!

What she does is spraypaint boners onto statues. I don’t think Nightwing will be able to handle this one.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #11 [February, 2017]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Blüdhaven (Part 2)”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #11

Let’s start with a flashback, shall we? Batman and Robin, accompanied by Lieutenant Jim Gordon, discover a warehouse full of defaced statues. “Gotham’s lost history,” proclaims Batman. And this brings their mission to a close.

A woman wearing stupid feathery wings calls the three of them “sheeple”. “You worship at the feet of patriarchal icons! The narrative you defend enslaves you!” She calls herself The Pigeon. She is the Defacer’s sidekick. Rewriting history by destroying its monuments to the past is the name of their game. So I’m guessing the Defacer spraypaints the statues and the Pigeon shits on them?

Anyway, Pigeon gets hauled out by the police. Robin wonders what will happen to Defacer, who is a minor. Some sort of justice will be served, that’s for damn sure. Like a paddling. Robin doesn’t think it’s very fair. “She just had the wrong mentor. Without Pigeon’s manipulations, her only crime is being angry.”

Flashfoward to the present where Shawn Tsang is yelling angrily at Nightwing for attempting to ruin everything. She tells him to get the fuck out of here. She tells him to go eat shit. All the things that I want to say to Nightwing, she says to him.

So much for going to Blüdhaven to get away from the superhero shtick. “You’ll ruin everything we’ve worked for if the Run-Offs see you,” Defacer yells shortly before a Run-Off pops into the room and elbows Nightwing in the back. Stallion is his name; a former pro football player who works for the Penguin. He wears a stinky cowboy hat. “I did four years in Blackgate cuz a’ you!”

Stallion is about to pound Nightwing into ground sirloin, but Defacer tells him to stay cool. He’s not the monster in the mirror, he’s the man on the inside! Stallion looks at a shard of mirror on the floor and frowns sadly. “Stupid stupid stupid! Why can’t I get it through my thick head?! Why am I so stupid?!”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #11

She’s right. The world is lousy with superheroes and they’re all better off dead. That’s what she means, right?

The crying begins, and Defacer blames Nightwing for reducing the Stallion to a blubbering mess on the floor. It’s always fuckin’ Nightwing and Batman and all the rest of them! “They all came here to escape you,” Defacer yells, pointing a finger at him.

Dapper James Nice walks into the room with a small gaggle of costumed motherfuckers, telling everyone to just stay calm. I’m sorry, it’s Jimmy Nice. He looks like Conan O’Brien or something. Welcome to the support group for former Gotham supervillains! Thrill Devil. Mouse. Giz. They’re all here, and they’re all traumatized from Batman and Robin sending them to Arkham for their criminal crimes. “I should have known that hoping for simplicity would lead me into this tar pit snare trap of a situation,” Nightwing thinks.

Defacer grabs Nightwing’s arm with the intention of hauling him out of there, telling the group that he got lost on the way back to Gotham where he belongs. Mouse chimes in quietly about how much Nightwing could actually help with “the conspiracy”, but then she clams up and looks embarrassed. Nightwing looks around the room and sees just a pile of sad-sacky individuals with various emotional problems. “Okay. I’m leaving,” he says, defeated.

“Nightwing! Wait!” yells Jimmy Smits Nice as Nightwing exits the building. “Before you go… I know your reception up there wasn’t very welcoming, but I wanted to tell you… I’m here, because of you. You helped scare these people straight. That’s why we do need your help.”

Great. These are going to be the Troubled Teens, then? That’s more than Nightwing bargained for. Fuck that noise. He’s got other fish to fry. Peace.

Jimmy continues his sob story about how the Run-Offs saved him from a life of even more crime.

…

“Okay. I’ll help Grimm. But then I have to walk away, okay?”

Gorilla Grimm isn’t worth helping, but whatever. Waste your time.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #11

I can’t! I have a casserole in the oven at home!

Jimmy tells Nightwing a bit of Grimm information, so to speak. He had been to Meadowdale Mall. “If you know anything about Blüdhaven… you know nothing good ever happens there.”

Ahhh, Meadowdale Mall. The illegal street market. Black market internal organs and hacked PS5s are the most popular items there! The cops tolerate it because they keep it out of the rest of the streets. And since Gorilla Grimm was a weapons dealer, maybe Nightwing can tie him to dead-as-a-doornail Paulie Paterno.

Nightwing slips a rather grumpy man a finsky for some Grimm details: if he wants to know about “the monkey”, he’s gotta go see “Jane”.

Nightwing goes to see “Jane”, a prostitute whom Grimm hired once a week for “King Kong” scenarios. It helped him stop menacing humans for real, so it was almost like community service, if getting an ape’s rocks off counts. And for an extra $25, Jane will show Nightwing where Grimm lives…

The Redhorn International Shipping building in the harbor. He’s not here now, but was he here when Paterno got shot? After setting aside some extra time to think about how much he wants to bone Shawn Tsang, Nightwing does cartwheels and flips into the building to try to hack into the security camera footage. After noting that a segment of the video is missing, he runs through the visitor check-in list. The very top name is smeared and illegible, and here’s the kicker: it’s smeared by a liquid that smells like a horse! Isn’t that some godawful stupid shit right there? “Like it or not, my instincts were right… Grimm was framed.”

OH NO, SOMEONE WANTS TO TAKE THE GORILLA OUT OF THE PICTURE? I SURE CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHO zzzzzzzzzz…

Back at the Blüdhaven Convention and Tourism Bureau, a man named Simon is snoozing at his desk until Cherry rousts him awake. She sucks down a 5-Hour Energy and gives him the skinny on what she came up with to save their pathetic city from tourism failures:

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #11

He looks like a twerpy little nerd, Cherry. We are so fired.

Nightwing returns to his shitty apartment at sunrise. “At least I was smart enough to realize that living above a home for the blind would be useful for when I decide to slip into my place at dawn, still in my night-tights,” he says. Yeah, how very fucking convenient, huh?

“What am I doing?” he asks himself. “I came to Blüdhaven to get to know myself without a mask and code name.” And what’s he doing instead? He’s masking and code-naming all over the place! Just jizzing gallons of masks and code names.

Grayson strips down to his sexy boxers and flops on his second-hand, stainy couch. Maybe it’s time that he accepts the fact that he needs to talk to someone. That he needs therapy. That he needs a boatload of Xanax.

Down at the Community Center, the former supervillains are in the middle of a restorative group therapy session. There’s a lot of emotional outpouring and friendly claps on the back. Thank you all for coming to the make-up session after last night’s unpleasantness from You-Know-Who. Everyone have a safe ride home! Don’t do crimes!

After everyone leaves, Nightwing slinks out of the shadows. Shawn sarcastically praises him on waiting until everyone’s gone to have his own personal therapy session. “I came here because I was having trouble trusting people. Because I wasn’t sure what the next step in my life was. I realize now, that makes me a lot more like the Run-Offs. It makes me a lot more like you.”

Stop, stop, you’re embarrassing yourself with all the blubbering! Nightwing continues spilling his guts unprompted before letting Shawn know that he knows Gorilla Grimm is innocent and that he’s going to help him with or without permission.

…

“You know,” Shawn says, “back in Gotham, all those years ago… when they were taking me away, you and I shared this curious little glance. I was so mad then that I couldn’t see it.” Basically, what if they met under normal circumstances? What if things were different? What if they leaned in for a kiss out of nowhere?

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #11

Get a room, children.

The cops roll in to break up the near-kiss. Shawn walks down the steps with her hands up. The cops, these pigs, they tell her that she’s a suspect in a murder and that she needs to come downtown with them. Nightwing’s all like “WHAT?!”, and then the cops tell the punk to back off. They don’t need “heroes” in this town, remember?

“You can just go back to Gotham, Nightwing,” the cop says, pointing to the Tourism Board’s newest billboard behind him. “This is a job for the police, not for ad campaigns.”

Later, the TV news reports on Blüdhaven’s newest sad-sack superhero as a suspect is taken into custody. A man turns off the TV and turns to his friends in the room. “Up until now, the Blüd’s been unexplored territory for superheroes. So we gotta make sure they know coming here can kill you. Lucky for us, the Whale Enders got you, Grace.”

A giant man-orca is revealed. He goes by “The Orca”. He looks like an orca. “Our very own sea monster,” the man says befuddingly.

Final Thoughts

What’s this shit, now? Nightwing’s going to have to fight a giant orca man without genitalia? Here’s the stupidity I’ve been waiting for!


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Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #10 – “Out of Balance, Out of Time”

* Part 2 of 2 of the Shadow of the Nihil storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #10 – “Out of Balance, Out of Time”! In the previous installment, the Jedi have a master plan to task Keeve Trennis with infiltrating the Nihil as one of their own. Piece of cake, right? I wouldn’t do it for all the credits on Brentaal IV! But Keeve attempts to do it, and to prove that she is indeed one of them she will need to kill Myarga the Hutt!

The very same Myarga the Hutt who helped destroy the Drengir!

What a pickle!

(Kill the bitch)

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #10 [December, 2021]
Written by: Cavan Scott
“Out of Balance, Out of Time”

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #10

I guess I should’ve known this earlier, but Myarga is held prisoner at the Nihil Warcloud Forge on Xais. Duh. And Keeve Trennis is finding it difficult to decide what to do!

“Unless…”

An idea sprouts in that stupid melon of hers. But it’s not like she has to do anything, because this one rabbit creature is already in the process of pushing over a large gas can full of the toxic chemical “nagnol”. It lands and explodes, spraying everyone with flaming hot gas and liquid! And no one dies or gets hurt, because why would they? “The entire planet could have gone up!” yells Zeetar, who is nice and safe in his Dr. Robotnik suit.

“Where did you find the Hutt?” Keeve asks as though nothing had happened.

“On the edge of wild space,” Zeetar responds.

“When? After Valo?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“It might be nothing, but…” And Keeve spins a yarn regarding hearing about a Hutt working with Drengir. Probably this asshole Myarga. “She might have all manner of Jedi secret rattling around the moldy excuse of a head,” Keeve nudges. “I say we find out…”

And then maybe kill Myarga later if she has nothing. Worth a shot, and the wait besides.

Meanwhile, the Ataraxia is in hyperspace filled with Jedi goons such as Avar Kriss, Sskeer, and some other weird looking aliens in brown robes. They’re using Ceret to track down Terec, who is with Keeve right now. Being a bond-twin has its perks, even if it is fuckin’ creepy. And Ceret also senses that Terec thinks that Keeve is “playing a dangerous game”, and I’m not talking about Suicide Parcheesi either. We’re talking about an involvement with Myarga the Hutt.

“Myarga?” says Kriss. “Now that is a concern. She is involved with the Nihil?”

“It is difficult to interpret…” responds Ceret. “But they are in danger. All of them.”

Well ain’t that a kick in the ol’ pants? Don’t worry, though. The Force will protect them! *snicker*

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #10

Except that I got a brain full of weird fetishes. I’ll give you a hint on one: Pudding.

Sskeer gets a holographic call from Dr. Gino’le, who I’ve never mentioned by name before but REST ASSURED that I’ve talked about him already many times. He needs to speak to Sskeer privately, but Sskeer ain’t got time for private conversations.

It’s not good news, though. “I’ve received the results from the tests we ran – and we know why you are losing your connection to the Force.”

Eek! We’ll get back to that horrible, horrible, bone-chilling news in a hot minute! Keeve and Terec are marching ahead of Zeetar trying to talk to each other privately, but Zeetar is like “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BOTH WHISPERING ABOUT” so that idea is over. Zeetar leads them to a bacta tank full of Myarga the Hutt. Although it’s not bacta in there, it’s unrefined nagnol. So be quick about getting the Jedi secrets out of her before her lungs burn and boil and crumble into dust!

“So, listen up slime pod,” says Keeve. “You wanna live, you gotta talk.”

Myarga speaks in squelchy Huttese, something about torturing Keeve before she’ll give anything up. But Keeve knows it’s all part of the ruse. “I hope,” she adds.

A technician reports to Zeetar that the gas valve is blocked. They don’t know it, but Terec is using the Force to cork the flow! Good work, weirdo. It’s too bad that Zeetar decided that Keeve already shot her wad, so they’re going to do things his way now. And that means 50,000 volts of electricity zapped right into her Hutt vagina. That’ll get her talking!

“What do you know about the Jedi?” Zeetar demands. And, much to Keeve’s horror, Myarga starts ratting her out. “You have Jedi in your midst,” she says betrayal-style. “You welcomed them with open arms. They have deceived you.”

Eep. It’s lightsaber time. Keeve, Terec, you two have fun. “You should surrender while you still can,” Keeve says rather meekly, I would say. “Surrender? Why?” Zeetar responds snidely. “Should I be scared? Are you really the best the Jedi could send?”

ZANG! Zeetar’s got an arm cannon and he’s not afraid to jerk off with it! I mean, use it. He’s not afraid to use it.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #10

Well, Yoda’s busy. And Obi-Wan Kenobi? He wasn’t even born yet, idiot.

Fighting continues for a while in what I can only describe as four skippable pages, but then a twist happens that’s so twisty that even I didn’t see the twisty twist. Who approaches in her own Dr. Robotnik Transformers space suit but none other than Lourna Dee! Everyone is surprised but they all thought she was Hella Dead. Ceret gets to know this through Terec, and Kriss is beyond surprised!

So now what?

“If I was dead, could I do this?” she says matter-of-factly as she punches down on Terec’s ugly bald head with a TWAKK. “Or this?” she says as she zaps Myarga right between the eyes.

“That was a mistake,” Keeve says. I’m guessing her voice cracked because no one takes her seriously. “You really are adorable,” says Dee. Then a couple of ruffians in sunglasses approach Keeve with a mysterious box. After it’s opened, an incredible force field of some sort a) blocks the Force, and b) gives Keeve and Terec miserable headaches that even Aleve won’t alleviate, so to speak. Even Ceret feels the burn, and subsequently loses contact complete. Alone. All alone. Wahhhh.

“I will… we will… attempt to re-establish connection,” Ceret says as he quivers and moans. “AAAAARGH!” he then yelps. Then “It’s a lie… all of it. There is no balance. No peace…”

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #10

Oh no! Game of Thrones grayscale!

Final Thoughts

This isn’t the end of the story? Well Jesus Christ and slap me with a hassock! Looks like I’ve got to keep going then, don’t I?

Snarl.


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Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “True Believers (Chapter 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the True Believers storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “True Believers (Chapter 3)”! In the previous installment, the kids, having been directed by Old Dead Gert, decide to go scope out this Victor Mancha kid. They find him at his school, and it’s these kids’ appearance that prompts him to use his extraordinary powers for the very first time! Whoops.

Meanwhile, the Excelsior team have decided to don their costumes and be superhero vigilantes even though that is precisely what the support group aims to help prevent. But money’s on the line here, so why the fuck not? And wouldn’t you know it, it takes about 45 minutes for them to find the Runaways. Stupid kids aren’t hiding well enough.

So what’s next for our intrepid Runaways? Maybe Alex will come back to life and shove a broom up his own butt.

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [June, 2005]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“True Believers (Chapter 3)”

Runaways (Vol. 2) Issue #3

The Excelsior Team tells the Runaways that they’re friends, they swear. “What are you, a Christian glam band?” sneers Gertrude. Zing!

Victor Mancha recognizes these fucks. Turbo, Darkhawk, Lightspeed, Chamber. All these J-List celebrity superheroes. They want the Runaways to let Mancha go, but Nico calls Mancha a murderer and also no. And he’s not a murderer yet, but he will be, so screw him all the same.

“Listen, we have no interest in fighting you,” claims Turbo. “Let’s open the lines of communication here, and try to find out what we need to do to make you feel more comfortable with–” ZIPPT!! That’s the sound of Chase shooting lasers at everyone from Leapfrog. He cheers happily while the rest of the group takes advantage of the incapacitation of the Excelsior team by Leapfroggin’ away with Mancha.

The Excelsior team are more perplexed than anything. They get up to brush themselves off, and Chamber is like “OI! I’M OUT, GUV’NOR! SEE YOU CUNTS LATER!” After Turbo tells him to stay, Chamber bitches for a panel before deciding to stick around. Part of his problem is that he doesn’t fly, and he’ll look like an idiot with everyone else who can fly. First-world superhero problems.

Meanwhile, Chase is Leapfroggin’ in broad daylight, much to the chagrin of the rest of the kids.

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #3

They could try trading in their Frogcraft for a Molecraft and start digging underground?

“Hey, if you guys are kidnapping me for ransom money, you nabbed the wrong guy,” complains Mancha. “My mom is a single parent working three jobs. She barely scrapes by.”

Gert calls Mancha’s dad a supervillain. Mancha says his dad’s fuckin’ dead. Whoops!

Molly apologizes, but Karolina reminds her that their supervillain parents are dead too. Even I forgot that one! I should pay more attention to what I’m reading.

Back at the school, Mrs. Mancha is already fretting to the principal over the disappearance of her son. The sweaty principal assures her that Victor will be found in at LEAST one piece. Victor’s dumpy friend Jorge approaches Mrs. Mancha and tells her all about the freaks with the superpowers showing up, and then Victor did some superpower shit as well, and, well, one thing led to another! Can he have some empanadas?

Elsewhere, the Excelsior Team is flying (while Mickey carries Chamber by the armpits) west toward Studio City where Phil Ulrich reports the last sighting of the giant stupid frog craft. Eventually, they catch up to the kids and Darkhawk zaps the frog with purple lasers. Turbo Mickey is like “THOSE ARE JUST KIDS, DINGBAT”, to which Darkhawk basically replies “Remember Columbine? Fuck them kids!”

Maneuvering out of the way, Chase lands the Leapfrog safely in the studio lot. And by that I mean he crashes the fucking thing right onto a set where they’re filming some cheesy sci-fi flick. The cast and crew runs away screaming while Chase assesses the damage. “Looks like the crash knocked the ‘Frog offline,” he says.

Nico’s plan is to have the girls take care of the Excelsior Team while Chase stays to keep an eye on Mancha.

“What’s… what’s your power?” Mancha asks.

Chase brandishes a switchblade. “A poor upbringing.”

The Excelsior Team flies down through the giant hole in the studio building, asking if the kids are ok. Nico has a simple response:

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #3

Kids these days with their potty mouths, truancy, and mysterious glowing staves.

Nico’s staff creates a whirlwind in the building that sweeps up Excelsior and sends them flying around. So, they retaliate by facing the kids one-on-one. This happens for a few pages as they all trade one-liners. It gets to a point where Darkhawk threatens the shit out of Nico to the point where Mickey Turbo is like “Settle down, chief. I mean, goddamn.” So now they start fighting, causing a bit of a raucous ruckus. During the fracas, the Runaways use the diversion to get everyone back into the Leapfrog. And, as much as Chase would like to gut the Mancha kid, he needs to pilot the craft again.

Darkhawk apologizes to Turbo Mickey, and Turbo Mickey graciously accepts the apology. Everyone hugs it out and everything is peaches and cream until Chamber realizes that no one kept an eye on the kids. D’oh!

“I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but… Nice work, Chase,” says Nico. Chase calls himself a genius, speaking of his idea to let Mancha zap the motherboard with his electric powers and reboot the Leapfrog. Victor asks if they’re even now and they can let him go, but the answer to that is “NO BUENO”. “Let’s talk about your future…” Gert says ominously.

Finally, at Casa du Mancha, Mrs. Mancha calls a so-far-unknown person to tell him or her that Victor has gone missing. Something terrible has happened to him that has triggered his… his… HIS…

Don’t worry. They’ll be coming to Los Angeles to help find him.

The “they” being… DUN DUN DUUUUUUNN!!

Victor’s stupid not-at-all-dead supervillain dad.

Final Thoughts

Here’s what’s going to happen: Victor’s dad is going to find his kid and then beat his ass ruddy to within an inch of his life, spurring the origin story of the homicidal, murderous “Victorious”.

And his dad is going to be Craig T. Nelson, just for the extra layer of surprise.


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