Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #13 – “Blüdhaven (Part 4)”

* Part 5 of 7 of the Back to Blüdhaven storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #13 – “Blüdhaven (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, the Run-Offs agree to work with Nightwing in order to prove SHAWN THE DEFACER and GORILLA GRIMM’s innocence! In the midst of trying to figure out who is actually behind the murders, the Run-Offs have a run-in with the Orca. They fought for ten pages in what I can only call an inconvenient distraction that served only to pad out this story further for reasons I still don’t understand. Let’s just end this thing, why don’t we? Come on, man. Comics are for dorks.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #13 [March, 2017]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Blüdhaven (Part 4)”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #13

Nightwing just can’t believe he’s leading a team of former supervillains. Really makes you think. They run to their destination, but they’re too late. Forsyth lies dead in an alley. Carter Forsyth, that is. The real estate magnate. Now everyone’s dead that matters. Paterno. What’s-His-Name. All dead.

Dead people don’t talk, right? Well, Forsyth must still be alive then. At least for now. He’s probably going to do that thing where he gives up all the necessary information before dying, just like they always do. “I didn’t get a look at the guy who done me, on account of the tire in my face,” Forsyth says weakly. “B-but you can head ‘im off… see, there’s only one more of us left.”

In his last breaths, Forsyth tells Nightwing to go to City Hall before the murderer does. He’ll be going after Mayor Madrigal, the “secret partner”. Then he dies.

OH WAIT, NOT YET! No… no, never mind. He’s actually dead now.

Nightwing is gung ho about stopping the mayoral murder, but the rest of the Run-Offs are hesitant. Especially Thrill Devil, whose bike ultimately killed Forsyth. If the police are involved, he’ll be arrested faster than you can say “boo”. Like this: boo!

Plus, these people are fighting every day to not be villains. Ain’t no way that they’re going to start being heroes, of all things. Oh well.

At the Blüdhaven police department, Detective Svoboda is yelling at a handcuffed and orange-jumpsuited Shawn Tsang. Just really letting her have it. “You’re accused of murder, Shawn. And the problem is, it’s attracting too damn much attention.” The Chapman murder has Shawn’s stink all over it. Graffiti, for one thing. And… uh…

Anyway, Svoboda needs Shawn’s help. She can’t have a killer running free in her town, but she can’t let Nightwing be right either because Blüdhaven hates their superheroes. What a pickle! I’m sure Shawn will really jump on that. I’ll stay in buttfuck prison, thank you very much.

“Blüdhaven was supposed to be the place I got my trust back,” thinks Nightwing as he swings around town. “In others. In myself. Instead, I’m trying to find the fastest rooftop path, or I’ll be too late to stop an assassination.”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #13

Hey! I already said that!

City Hall sees Cherry asleep at her desk in the Tourism Bureau. Her coworker Simon tries rousting her, smacking her around a bit to wake her up. He’s just whaling on her. Cherry was up all night preparing for her meeting with the mayor. Simon says he’ll handle the meeting. Cherry’s done enough to help and he can take it from here. (Simon’s going to fuck it all up actually, but that’s a story for another issue! Maybe.)

In Mayor Madrigal’s very high office, the mayor himself is talking on the phone to the morgue about Forsyth. “Are you sure it’s him?” he asks. “I’m just saying, Forsyth’s an old white guy. You must get a lot of those down at the morgue, right?”

The police show up to City Hall and the mayor needs to call it quits on the phone call. And as soon as he does, an incredibly, blinding light flashes through his extremely large window, making him go “UNF!” It blows out the windows like a bomb. The police below are perplexed, and rightfully so! Bombs are dangerous!

Nightwing shows up to the scene, fashionably late as usual. He jumps through the broken window and discovers some costumed twerp gripping the very-much-alive mayor’s shirt. The kid’s got some sort of fire blaster, but his aim is terrible. Nightwing dodges an attack easily and whacks the masked assailant on the arm with one of them batons. “High-tech weapons. Weird power sources. Off-world knockoffs created by the Second Hand. This is where the missing weapons shipment went.” Nightwing kicks him in the dick. “Right into your grubby little hands.”

As Nightwing keeps talking distractedly, the kid grabs the mayor with an extendo-arm and throws him through a not-broken window. BUT HE DOESN’T DIE! Because the Defacer is here with her rocket boots (?) to catch him in mid-air. Nightwing mentions something about being so happy he could kiss her on her respirator. He gets #MeToo’d immediately.

The assailant takes this opportunity to push Nightwing’s face against the glass. “You. You got in the way,” he says. “Evil men have to die. The guilty have to be punished.”

Nightwing swings around and grabs the mask off the kid’s face, but he runs away before Nightwing can get a good look at him. Simon and Cherry run into the office all like “Egads! It’s Nightwing!” while Nightwing writhes on the floor.

And the masked man is someone we all know. Whodathunkit?!

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #13

More like “Jimmy Mean”! Ha! Fuck you!

A heavily armored police team enters the room and points their big, fat guns at everyone. “Down, down, down!” they say, but Jimmy Nice most assuredly does not go down. He throws his fire blaster stick at Simon, and Nightwing pushes the guy out of the before he gets a small bruise on his head. “You saved me,” Simon says, narrowly avoiding a minor injury.

Too bad the police think that Nightwing is the bad guy here. Hero types and all, nobody likes them. Nightwing leaps out of the building while bullets rain upon him. Helicopters start chasing him, too. It appears to be a whole thing. “DOWN! GET YOUR ASS ON THE GROUND!” blares the helicopter guy before opening fire. Nightwing is lucky he’s not dead from all this, but there is a jail cell with his stupid name on it waiting for him!

Nightwing ducks in an alley with nowhere to go. A wall on one side, cops with deadly bullets on the other. It’s a good thing Nightwing is a lucky duck, because Defacer is there to pull him aside and away from danger. Somehow.

Defacer knew it was James Nice all along, but there’s another thing that confuses Nightwing: how did Shawn get out of the joint.

Duh. She made a deal.

“Hey, Tights. I owed ya one,” Svoboda says, popping in suddenly to aim a gun at Nightwing’s melon head. “And you owe me a coffee. How about we go for a ride?”

Final Thoughts

Grayson should just go back to Gotham. This Blüdhaven business is complete constant bullshit. At least in Gotham you have Batman doing all the legwork and getting all the attention. In Blüdhaven you have the cops pointing guns at you. This is a no-brainer, son.


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Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #5 – “True Believers (Chapter 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the True Believers storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #5 – “True Believers (Chapter 5)”! In the previous installment, we figure out that Victor Mancha’s dad is Doctor Doom!

AAAHHHHHH!!

I think?

Anyway, they still want to kill this kid before he murders the Avengers, they just don’t really know how to do it yet. I suggest a red hot poker through the brain. Gets ‘em every time.

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #5 [JAugust, 2005]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“True Believers (Chapter 5)”

Runaways (Vol. 2) Issue #5

So Victor is talking to Victor von Doom now, and he’s beside himself with surprise. Yes, son, Victor von Doom is your father. He looks like he hasn’t fucked anything in 20 years except maybe a pineapple, so I don’t know how that works either. “Regardless, you will meet me at the McArthur warehouse in precisely one hour,” says Doom. “Call the authorities, and you risk elevating me to the status of your sole guardian.”

All the while, Mrs. Mancha is screaming things like “Victor, stay away!” and “Raawhgnhagh!” until she gets punched.

Gert asks Victor if he really meant Dr. Doom. As in, THE Doctor Doom? The pantswetter whose moniker the late great MF DOOM used? Nice! “I thought that creep died fighting the Fantastic Four or something,” says Karolina. Well, obviously not.

At this point, Victor is begging to be let go. His mom is going to get killed and his father is Dr. Fucking Doom! But Chase, ever the empath, tells him to go suck his own nutz.

Molly agrees. It sounds like this Dr. Doom is family, so if he wants to get back to his family… well… whose side are you on, Vic my boy??

Elsewhere Phil Urich calls the mysterious benefactor to tell him/her that he and his fancy crew of tentative superheroes have arrived at the precise coordinates – a warehouse. It’s always a warehouse. The mysterious benefactor, a man waiting for a flight to L.A. at the airport, thanks Phil for trusting him…

Anyway, the warehouse contains a ship they can all use to scout Los Angeles in style! “She may look clunky, but no one will notice when you’re pushing Mach 8.” Wowzers! That’s, like, super-fast! Yeah!

“Sir, I appreciate this, but I don’t think any of us knows how to fly a… whatever kind of plane this is,” Phil says ungratefully. The mystery man tells Phil that it’s modified to be controlled like his Green Goblin Glider! It should be like riding an oversized novelty bike! So get to it, pissface.

The Excelsior team is a little hesitant to just take this very expensive ship as a gift to their organization, but Phil doesn’t give a shit.

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #5

Said every Nazi ever.

Victor has just about had it up to HERE *slashing motion across forehead* with this cockamamie malarkey! “Turn this thing around!” he yells. “I told you, Doom said to show up alone!” Gert corrects him: he just wasn’t supposed to alert the authorities, and a few pimple-faced truants don’t qualify.

Semantics! Doom’s going to kill Mommy unless Victor does everything he says!

Chase is still the voice of unreason. “As soon as we’re in range, this young stud is gonna bring the ‘Frog smashing down on your old man’s ugly gourd.”

Nico reminds Chase that the Excelsior Team of Buttfuck Rejects are looking out for them, among others, and that they need to stay cloaked.

Molly asks Nico if she can just teleport Mrs. Mancha out of the clutches of the Good Doctor, but Nico reminds her that the Staff of One does not like to repeat spells. Maybe there’s a Shut Up spell that she can use for you, Molly.

“Haven’t you guys ever taken a history class?” Victor yells. “How do you think von Doom took control of an entire country? He’s not just the greatest scientist on the planet, he’s also one of the most powerful sorcerers.”

Hey, Buzzkill Jones? What are they gonna do, then? Zap someone with electricity?! Heh heh. Wait a minute, that’s a good idea! Get your cattle prods ready.

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #5

Thanks, Mom!

And meanwhile, Dr. Doom tells Mrs. (Marianella) Mancha that he’s very disappointed in how she raised their delinquent, ruffian son. But, lo’, in comes Victor, fashionably late as usual. Dr. Doom is surprised to see him, as dear ol’ Mother told him he had been kidnapped by Hamas! “Where are your abductors now?” Doom asks, quite intrigued. “Unconscious, a few blocks from here,” Victor replies, starting to spark a little bit. The boy is getting tittilated! And Doom, too, because Victor begins to swear fealty to the Almighty Doomness.

“Doom is impressed,” he says, referring to himself in the third-person like an incel. “You may be a half-breed, but your heart is clearly beating my blood. How tragic that this woman led you to believe your father was nothing more than some lowly American combatant.”

Yeah, Victor is disappointed too! Heh heh. Of course, Pops. Whatever you say, sir. “I’d always hoped my real dad was someone important, but I honestly never thought it could be someone as huge as you.” Yeah, he’s huge all right. Swingin’ like a grandfather clock.

It’s at about this moment that Doom realizes that Marianella’s ropes are starting to untie themselves. BRRT! It’s a trick! A ruse! A scam! Chicanery! Chicanery! Doom pulls out a blaster and shoots in the direction of Nico, who was using the Staff of One to thwart him. Not today!

Nico is out cold.

And the rest of the Runaways phase out of invisibility. Molly calls it “indivisibility” because she’s the stupidest 11-year-old on the planet. “What is the meaning of this treachery?” Doom asks. Victor yells for Karolina to get Nico and his mother to the ‘Frog while Plan B is executed. Doom is like “Boo to that! You will all die!”

But then no one dies. In fact, Old Lace bites Doom’s arm. This would cause some unfortunately gangrene later, but right now Doom is like “Boo to that! Die, you prehistoric piece of shit!” Then he shoots electricity into Old Lace’s mouth.

Gert starts choking, obviously connected to Old Lace by the mouth. Or whatever, I don’t know, let’s just make things up as we go along. Victor yells at his father to leave everyone alone as he revs up himself and blasts him with his own brand of electricity. Doom just laughs it off. His puny sparks are no match for Doom’s resiliently armored buttocks! The metal-masked villain soliloquys while Molly sneaks up on him, eyes glowing violet.

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #5

Chase with the rebound!

Then she punches him in the gut and hurts her hand. Doom takes this opportunity to try to kill her, but he fails yet again as Karolina shoots him with, I don’t know, stardust? She hits Molly instead, so way to go, idiot. And after Doom throws Karolina across the room, all the girls have been duly rendered incapacitated.

Chase shows up for the kill! But he ripped the laser out of the ‘Frog and Gert reminds him that the lasers have no power if they’re ripped out of the ‘Frog. Dumbass.

But luckily they’ve got a kid who knows how to power things up. Chase throws the laser to Victor, who hits Doom so hard with its green blast that it punches a hole through his abdomen.

With Doom dead, presumably, the kids inspect the wound. But it’s all just wires and circuits and flux capacitors. Where’s the blood and guts, fam? Marianella yells at the kids, says the dude is still extremely dangerous and that they should all run away now before they, too, get disemboweled.

But Victor isn’t scared of this obvious robot.

“Astounding,” says a figure entering the room, speaking in stilted robot speech balloons. “I anticipated your defeat of Doom, yet I was 99% certain you would be unable to damage him badly enough to uncover that he was merely one of my androids.” The big scary figure turns out to be a big scary robot himself. He turns to Victor. “Truly you are my greatest creation.”

It’s apparently Ultron. Eep.

Marianella begs Ultron to leave them all be. Ultron is like “PUNY MORTAL. I WILL EAT YOU.” Then he blasts Marianella with fire and she dies right in front of her wretched son.

“Don’t shed a tear for your birth creature, my darling simulacrum,” Ultron says proudly. “Your mother was a degenerate criminal, nothing more than raw genetic stock for your glorious technological future.”

Ultron’s only regret is that this is how Victor finds out. He was hoping to throw him a surprise party, but such is life. “You see, with my Doombot I had hoped to convince you that your father was human, so that my current plans would continue unabated… but your memory will now have to be erased.”

Victor begs the Ultron-type guy to not hurt his brand new friends!

“Oh, I’m not going to hurt anyone…”

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #5

Give ‘em noogies they’ll never forget, son!

Final Thoughts

Oh my god, not my five favorite Marvel children! Whatever will they do?!

Chase should throw his poop at him.


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Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #12 – “Blüdhaven (Part 3)”

* Part 4 of 7 of the Back to Blüdhaven storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #12 – “Blüdhaven (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Nightwing crashes a therapy session for former supervillains that have been traumatized by Batman and Robin. Nightwing feels bad about it, so he fucks off and spends an evening doing detective work as Nightwing instead of not doing detective work as Nightwing, eventually finding out that Gorilla Grimm is innocent of All Crimes.

Nightwing later returns for his own therapy and learns that the police hate him and want him out of town. Also, a group who calls themselves the Whale Enders want Nightwing out of town too, and they have a giant man-orca ready to fight if necessary.

Doesn’t that sound idiotic? I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #12 [March, 2017]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Blüdhaven (Part 3)”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #12

In a bad part of Blüdhaven, a beat cop asks a detective how long before a jerk “superhero” like Nightwing is going to take all their jobes. Detective Svoboda is skeptical that the nerd can save his own poop from the toilet. She walks into an apartment covered in graffiti where a dead man is bleeding out from a knife stuck in his chest.

“We need to talk,” says Nightwing, suddenly popping up right behind Svoboda and ready to contaminate her crime scene. It doesn’t matter; she’s already taken her photos and pinned this shit on the Defacer. Do you see the graffiti, sir??

The victim was named Robert Chapman, a D.A. with unproven ties to organized crime. Spraypaint + Murder = Defacer. ‘Nuff said, Nightwing. But the kid implores the detective to try harder. “You’ll find that something just isn’t sitting right,” he says as he whisks himself away again.

Swinging around town, Nightwing points out to us that he’s only been in Blüdhaven for three days and already he’s seen two murders and an ad campaign about him. Which is worse, he doesn’t know! But he’s going to start having to make friends if he’s going to prove the innocence of Defacer and Grimm. You know, instead of just fucking off back to Gotham and staying out of it completely.

Nightwing visits Jimmy Nice’s residence in the dead of night. The robed man doesn’t seem to mind too much that Nightwing found out where he lives, but hey, want to go to a bar? No? Then come on it.

“The police took Shawn in for questioning,” Nightwing tells him as he storms into the house both importantly and dramatically. “She’s a suspect in another murder…” It is suspected that someone is trying to frame the Run-Offs one by one until they’re all rotting behind bars like so much old fruit. “And they can’t fight because no one trusts them.”

WHADDAYA WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?? thinks Jimmy “Nice”. Nah, I’m kiddin’. That guy is super nice. When Nightwing asks to use his connections to make sure Shawn gets a good lawyer, he’s more than happy to help. Then Nightwing needs a meeting with the rest of the Run-Offs. Then he needs a steak and one of them Blüdhaven prostitutes if’n you got any extry.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #12

If it makes you feel better, Jimmy, she was probably screaming her head off while you were careening off of a bridge at 120mph!

Fuck your feelings right now, Nightwing. Jimmy wants to spill his guts about his own path to the dark side, so can the chatter and listen up. Six years ago he was driving with his girlfriend, Jami. He was a swimming pool of drugs, alcohol, and rock and roll. Needless to fucking say, he drove off a bridge like an asshole and killed Jami.

Jimmy works with the Run-Offs because it reminds him that he’s not really a horrible person. But maybe these Run-Offs are actually horrible people. Ask yourself, Nightwing: are they innocent, or do you just want them to be innocent?

After blah-blah-blahing for a couple of panels, Nightwing tells Jimmy that, well, Shawn is innocent at any rate. And the others… well, keep in mind that they left Gotham to get away from the likes of Batman and Nightwing. “At best, they’re afraid of you. At worst, they hate your guts.”

The next morning, Grayson is being friendly and avuncular to the Troubled Teens at the Haven Community Center. After the session, as he waves goodbye to everyone out front, Tourism Cherry runs up to the steps talking a mile a minute. “I heard the ward of Bruce Wayne was giving his time, just like the big billionaire. Maybe Mr. Wayne would like to donate some of his money here. We’re not so different from Gotham. We have a superhero now, too. And villains. I heard about the counselor here who used to be one. I guess she got pulled in for murder? So scary.”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #12

We also spliced him into some of Blüdhaven raunchiest pornography.

Grayson reminds Cherry that Shawn is just a suspect and no charges have been filed. Cherry tells him that it doesn’t matter; she was taken into custody and now the city has a reason to feel safer! That’s what it’s all about, right? The illusion of safety? Anyway, bye! And if you see Nightwing, tell him that there’s a job for him at the Tourism Office.

I’m sure we’ll see Nightwing pushing paper there soon enough. For now, he holds a meeting with the Run-Offs who seem very reluctant to be there. In fact, they’re there for no other reason than for Shawn and Grimm. Not piss-pants Nightwing, that’s for sure.

Nightwing gets right down to brass tacks: he needs to know everything about this “conspiracy” that Mouse mentioned in passing last time. Mouse looks sheepish and then starts spilling the beans. Grimm mentioned that Paulie Paterno offered him a job. He took the offer because he was undergoing major financial problems. The monkey needed to afford more monkey underwear, if you can believe it.

But first there was a meeting with Paterno, mobbed-up lawyer Robert Chapman, and real estate magnate Carter Forsyth. Very suspicious, and Grimm wondered what they needed him for. Well, he had arms dealing experience. Between him, Paterno’s trucks, Forsyth’s laundering, and Chapman’s contacts with the Second Hand… well, do the math, son. Cha-ching, baby. Greenbacks as far as the eye can see.

The Second Hand specializes in dangerous, nasty, alien weapons. The kind that are used to fight big, burly, scary superheroes with big, burly, scary superpowers.

Grimm tells them no because that’s not his scene anymore, baby. Well, the getaway is not too clean. The men start arguing about needing an outside man or else their “silent partner” will be pissed off. And other Run-Offs were contacted with similar results. Eventually, Paterno gets whacked and now Chapman is worm food.

The speculation here is that Forsyth is mad that everything is falling apart and may be involved in these retaliations. After this three-minute meeting, Nightwing storms out with the intention of going to the Marcus Casino to talk to Forsyth about what he knows.

Before Nightwing leaves, the Stallion stops him for a little emotional outpouring that is, frankly, quite sickening. Then he lets Nightwing know that he knows some guys who took the job. “And, well, they’re some bad hombres. Shawn was protecting us from you, but, well, right now, you need someone to protect you from a royal ass-stompin’.”

In short, the Run-Offs are all offering to help Nightwing. You know why? Because he left Gotham to come to Blüdhaven. “He’s one of us now,” says Mouse. “He’s a Run-Off.” It’s all very touching.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #12

Way to run away from Gotham scared, ya pussy.

At the Marcus Casino (or, rather, the Marcus Casino construction site), Forsyth is hurriedly cramming documents into his briefcase with the intention of flying to Nassau. Or Tahiti. Or Wisconsin. Wherever. Anywhere but Blüdhaven. He is interrupted by a big punch at the door, and Stallion lets himself in. “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM BLUH BLUH BLUH” is what Forsyth says, basically, and Nightwing comes in to be the intimidator! “You’re the guy who’s going to tell us who killed Paulie Paterno and Robert Chapman,” he says with his squeaky voice. The rest of the Run-Offs come in saying stuff like “yeah!”

Forsyth denies everything. Then a sudden THOOM… THOOM… THOOM signals the approach of something large and sinister. “You shouldn’t have come here, Nightwing,” it says. And yes, you guessed it. It’s the stupid shark guy. The one from the cover. Spoiler alert, ladies and gentlemen.

Grace Balin. The Orca. A woman, apparently. “She’s the former member Jimmy mentioned. The Run-Offs’ run-off. Former marine biologist who spliced her own DNA with that of a killer whale to repair spinal cord injuries.

Good thing she’s out of Gotham and out of the water. Nightwing’s got the upper hand! Whoops! He gets whacked upside the head by the Orca’s goons. Stallion tries to grab onto the Orca, but he’s literally like a third of her size. Then the other Run-Offs enter the fray. And what a fray it is! I’ve never seen such a fray! Fray fray fray.

Mouse tries to force a confession out of the Orca, tries to make her feel all bad and stupid for leaving the Run-Offs in the first place. The Orca denies killing Paterno and Chapman, setting up Shawn and Grimm, and calls the Run-Offs a gaggle of losers who accomplish nothing but “slick moral preening”.

Eventually, the Orca is subdued by earphones cranked to 300 decibels. Sound processes as visual images to the likes of whales, and they beach themselves if sounds are loud enough! Consider the Orca thoroughly beached. Good going, friends. The Run-Offs all celebrate and hug.

“I n-never… wanted to hurt you guys,” the Orca snivels pathetically in a small voice. “I j-just wanted… wanted to make my new friends h-happy. I did what they asked… even though I knew they were using me.”

Too bad that Forsyth flew the coop during all the distraction. He gets killed by a devil demon riding a motorcycle for some reason.

“There are worse monsters in these seas than me,” says the Orca.

Indeed.

Final Thoughts

This Orca nonsense was some stupid shit and I’m glad it’s over. Now we can move onto the real Big Bads. Like capitalism and cosmic rays. The stuff that’ll really kill ya.


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Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “True Believers (Chapter 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the True Believers storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “True Believers (Chapter 4)”! In the previous installment, the Excelsior Team is proven completely ineffective when it comes to stopping a small group of bumbling teenagers who barely have superpowers. Victor Mancha is still the Runaways’ hostage until they either kill him or ensure that he won’t become a big Bad Boy in the future.

BUT HERE ENTERS THE VARIABLE. Single mother Mrs. Mancha has called Victor’s very-much-still-alive-and-possibly-evil father, who used to be a supervillain and maybe STILL IS? Eek!

We’ve really upped the ante here! Good thing I’m going to write about it all next in this very blog!

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [July, 2005]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“True Believers (Chapter 4)”

Runaways (Vol. 2) Issue #4

The Leapfrog leaps around town in the dead of night. And by that I mean things aren’t dead because all the buildings are lit up and there’s traffic out your ass. Victor’s phone rings, but Gert doesn’t want him to answer it even though it’s his poor, dear, sweet mother. Molly calls his ringtone stupid.

After Victor defends the ringtone (it’s a Rick Jones song… you know, that Rick Jones), Gert asks him why he’s so into superheroes when he wants to murder them all when he grows up. Victor is confused by this, wondering what the hell they mean by all that. He’s a model student, he’s never even been in detention, let alone shoplifted, let alone murdered someone. There was that one time he burned down the Pentagon, but that was in self-defense!

Chase tells everyone to buckle up and blindfold Victor so he doesn’t know that they’re headed to their secret hideout in the La Brea Museum! Oh… damnit…

At the top of the L.A. Times building, Phil Ulrich waits for the superheroes-in-therapy to come back empty-handed. “Why don’t you put on your old Green Gobbler armor and and try taking down these little monsters yourself?” gripes Chamber. Phil asks what the hell happened and why they’re all so damn incompetent, and they all turn on one another. “He did this” and “she did that” ad nauseam.

Phil never really gets a good answer to his question. His phone starts ringing and he wonders if it’s their mysterious benefactor telling them they’re off the job. It’s sort of that! But in actuality, Phil is asked if he wants to take this to the next step…

And while that sexy conversation is happening, the Runaways show Victor their incredible underground digs! Well, Karolina does. Chase is antsy to get this kid to the brig where he belongs (even though he’s reminded that the place doesn’t have a brig. Not even a laundry brig).

“But what are we gonna do if Vic tries to electrify us again?” Molly asks concernedly. “We don’t have know how many powers he has.”

Nico has an idea! Gas the kid!

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Purple smoke! My one weakness!

Victor lies on the floor covered in purple globs, presumably incapacitated. But mostly he just smells perfumed. Nico orders him to zap her with everything he’s got, and he can’t! He has been rendered useless! Perfect, now we can move onto brass tacks…

There’s not much to say. Victor’s mom is an architect’s assistant, a student, and a waitress. His dad was a U.S. marine who died when he was a baby. No evidence of that at all, though, unless you want him to dig up papa’s old boney bones.

Well, fat chance he’ll find anything. Future Gert told everyone that Victor’s father was still alive and totally evil. Sounds like there’s some research to be done if they’re ever gonna get to the bottom of this. Let’s start with Chapter 1 of Kama Sutra…

Meanwhile, at the Mancha residence, Victor’s mom is desperately trying to get ahold of him. She leaves tearful voicemails full of sweet nothings. She slumps on the floor helplessly as she apologizes in advance for siccing his dad on him. Speaking of whom, he enters the house wondering if Mrs. Mancha is speaking to the authorities.

I think he kills her! I don’t know! It sure looks pretty bad, though.

Runaways (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Electricity! My one weakness!

In the Runaways’ Hideout, Nico plays with a holographic gallery of all The Pride’s biggest competitors (i.e., Big Fat Fisk the Kingpin). Maybe she’ll find some files on Victor’s dad. Victor thinks this is all a stupid waste of time. “In the highly unlikely event that I am the son of Charlie Manson, or whatever, he still didn’t raise me.”

Cork it, son. Suspect #1 is Electro. He shoots lightning bolts. Sound familiar? Anyway, that seems to be their only lead right now. Hey, did anyone want any Pizza Rolls?

After Nico has trouble with the remote control, Victor offers to help her since he’s a tech whiz of the highest order. “Huh. Well, if you’re a gadget geek, maybe you’re the son of this whack-job, a gamma-irradiated egghead imaginatively named ‘The Leader’.”

Nah, that’s stupid. Maybe he’s the son of Norman Osborn! That dude fucks.

Hmm, Victor’s father might not necessarily be from Earth. What about Galactus??

Gert suggests that maybe all these entities aren’t evil enough. What about Hitler?

“My dad was not a Nazi, okay?” Victor yells. “And… and even if he was, what does it matter to you? Lots of children of horrible people grow up to be productive members of society!” Take Magneto for example. That asshole fathered both Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. Then Victor accuses the group of taking everything out on him because of their shitty parents, leading to Victor holding Gert and aiming the remote control at her head and threatening to blast it off.

After his bluff is called easily, he reaches into Gert’s pants and pulls out his phone to call his mom…

But a man answers the phone…

And he tells him that his mother isn’t available right now…

Because she’s tied up to a chair…

And do you know who tied her up…?

…

I don’t know! I think it’s Doctor Doom! Issue over.

Final Thoughts

MORE LIKE DOCTOR DUMB. I should have known that Victor von Doom had a son named Victor. It all makes so much sense. Kind of like how Batman has a son named Batman.

Yeah, I don’t know what I’m saying either. Feel free to click that “x” on your browser window.


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Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11 – “Only Fear”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Jedi’s End storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11 – “Only Fear”! In the previous short storyline, Avar Kriss has the brilliant idea to have Keeve Trennis infiltrate the Nihil by posing as one of them.

It doesn’t work. Lourna Dee found them out quick. And not only that, but Lourna Dee starts unleashing some sort of power that turns Terec into stone. And Ceret feels the pain.

And now the aftermath of such a fucking debacle.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11 [January, 2022]
Written by: Cavan Scott
“Only Fear”

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11

Xais in the Outer Rim is where the Nihil are right now, and Keeve cries profusely as she sees Terec getting hella killed or something. Also, the room is swirling, swirling, swirling, and she doesn’t know what’s going on at all. And she’s scared, which is not a very Jedi-like state of mind. She should retire from Jedi duties and flip burgers at the Krusty Krab.

Terec is a swirling mass of nightmarish features, as if he’s being turned inside-out. “I don’t know what it is,” thinks Keeve. “The thing in the box that shouldn’t exist. The thing in the box that got into my brain. What is it? Oh kriff, please someone tell me what it is. Someone make it stop!”

Zeetar approaches behind her in his magic robot suit. “So much for the mighty Jedi…” he says as he readies to kill the girl with a hot blast of fiery blue cum. A fraction of a second before he pulls the trigger on the blast of fiery blue cum, Lourna Dee slashes the gun with Keeve’s lightsaber. “ZEETAR — DON’T!” she screams. “We need the Jedi alive. To see if what happened on Grizal was a fluke… or the beginning of the end.”

Terec calcifies before everyone’s very eyes, which means Ceret is also calcifying before everyone’s very eyes back on the Ataraxia. Avar Kriss can’t sense the Force in him anymore… or even Sskeer for that matter, but I think that’s old news.

Ceret weakly mutters about needing to get to Terec. To do what exactly, I don’t know. Watch Terec’s death? The rest of the crew thinks Ceret should go to sick bay instead, but Ceret says “NO!” and runs around like a jackrabbit in heat. Then he changes the Ataraxia’s course, which is fine because that means he’ll be taking them straight to Terec and Keeve.

As for the Force in general, well… no one can sense it anymore. It’s dead as a doornail, sir. Kaput.

The Ataraxia eventually reaches Xais, but the doctor in sick bay can’t read any life signs in Ceret anymore. Dude is dead a doornail. Kaput. History, see?

Kriss says Ceret, and possibly Terec, have put themselves in a hibernation trance WHICH IS AWFULLY CONVENIENT TIMING, IF YOU ASK ME.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11

It’s like a Tamagotchi I had back in 1997. Ceret and Terec are probably somewhere in the couch cushions.

A loud “KROOM” rocks the Ataraxia. They’re being shot at by a big, mean ship. A few big, mean ships. Kriss as Sskeer will make short work of them while Nooran and Galdros (?) man the vessel. Aim to disable, not destroy! We’re Jedi, remember? We’re wusses!

Kriss and Sskeer run to a couple of Vectors docked in the docking bay of Vectors. Later, Nooran reports that the fighters are coming from the refinery down on the planet. Must be the Nihil base! I’m glad to see we’re catching up quickly here. They find Keeve’s stormship parked on the refinery parking lot, Section J, so they know she’s here! Capital! But… but why can’t Kriss sense them? Where’s that dang Force when you need it?

Sskeer presses a button on the Vector that blows one of the fighters to kingdom come, much to Kriss’ chagrin. “Jedi! Didn’t you hear me earlier? This is not our way.” Then Sskeer, this asshole, this motherfucker, he leaps out of his Vector with his lightsaber ready and says “Not for you, maybe – but it’s the only way I have left.”

Sskeer lands among a throng of Nihil ready to light ‘em up. “Tell me where ssshe is!” he demands of them while throwing his sword like a boomerang, bisecting a whole slew of Nihil at the stomach.

“I need to get down there Nooran,” Kriss reports back. “I thought Sskeer had turned a corner, but I should’ve known better. It’s as Master Yoda always says, once you walk the dark path – it’s forever in your heart.”

The dark path is fun though! Doritos and video games, buying things on the Internet, that’s what it’s all about!

Sskeer punches a guy in a robot suit so hard his facemask breaks in a torrent of glass. Lourna Dee isn’t going to trifle with this guy, that’s for sure, but Zeetar thinks he can take this guy on.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #11

The initial question, of course, was “Does Sskeer love anime?”

Lourna Dee leaves Zeetar to his fun, which is interrupted by the hammer – the hammer he’s going to use to crack a skull – floating right out of his hand. “What the–?” he manages to eke out before Sskeer splits him in twain. Or at least he chops the robot in half. Zeeter must be small enough to not have been hurt.

Zeetar begs for mercy, which Sskeer finds quite comical indeed. Now’s a good time to ask where Keeve went, that little scamp. And Keeve, already in the vicinity, pokes her crying face around a corner. She tries to talk about the swirling, swirling, swirling, but she can barely speak coherently about it. “Terec!” she remembers, because why not. “Sskeer, we need to help Terec!”

Kriss comes out of her Vector looking quite defeated. “I’m not sure we can,” she says glumly. Terec is supine on the floor like a dingus.

Lourna Dee starts blasting off in her ship, and she’s the only person who would be able to explain what happened to Terec, and Ceret by proxy.

“As the Force is my witness,” Kriss says as Lourna Dee escapes again, “I’m not going to let her escape again!”

Final Thoughts

Hooo-weee! Lourna Dee is going to get her ass dismantled in about four issues. In the meantime, I see a pie cooling on someone’s windowsill. That’s my cue to exit.


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