Season 9, Episode 19 – “Simpson Tide”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 19 - Simpson Tide

“Simpson Tide”

Original Air Date:
March 29, 1998
Directed by:
Milton Gray
Written by:
Joshua Sternin / Jennifer Ventimilia

QUICK SYNOPSIS

Homer causes an international incident after he joins the Naval reserves.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

Bob Denver as himself is very pointless, but at least he doesn’t knock on the Simpsons’ front door with the intention to save the day or anything. He just gets laughed at. It wasn’t a funny scene.

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

“Simpson Tide” is one of those middling early Zombie Simpsons episodes that toe the line between real and surreal. Here we have Homer getting fired and starting a new job in the naval reserves. Homer getting a new job will become a frequent plot device as time goes on, so get used to it. Here, we get to observe a zany story that culminates into Homer becoming acting captain of a submarine and starting an international incident by treading into Russian waters. It sounds stupid because it is stupid. Most of this episode is stupid, and the jokes don’t really make up for it with the notable exception of Abe Simpson’s rambling defense for his son. (“But he is NOT a porn star!”) The entirety of the submarine sequence, as far as I’m concerned, as a complete shitshow of antics, outlandish storytelling, and dumb jokes. The Village People on top of the sub singing “In the Navy” with Smithers dancing out of nowhere? That’s the worst offender. God, I hate that joke.

Luckily, the B-plot stays rooted in reality. Milhouse gets a new earring and suddenly becomes the cool kid in school, prompting Bart to follow the lead. One of my favorite jokes in the episode involves Starbucks taking over the Springfield Mall (pretty prescient in 1998). “All right kid, but you better hurry up. In five minutes, this place is becoming a Starbucks.” I also enjoyed the meta “Do the Bartman” joke where Ralph rolls his eyes and rebukes Bart for being “so 1991”, as well as Milhouse accidentally pretending to be a vampire to continue wearing his earring (“But they’re also covered. Carry on.”)

I remember being underwhelmed with this episode when I was 10 years old. Apparently, some things don’t change.

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 19 - Simpson Tide

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

It was difficult for the writers to figure out how to get the captain off of the sub and they eventually decided to have him shot out of the torpedo tube, which in the DVD commentary, Al Jean says that Rod Steiger claimed that he really did get stuck in a torpedo tube once.
It sounds to me that the Simpsons writers required character actor Rod Steiger to write them out of a jam. Those Harvard and Yale degrees really went to waste!

In the original draft, Bart sneaked on board the submarine with Homer. They were trying to do it “for the comedy of it”, but could not get the draft to work, so it was cut.
Comedy first! Good story-writing second! Better enjoy even this while it lasts, because both comedy and story-writing will take a backseat to “sucking really, really hard at the Simpsons writing job” soon enough.

One of the Asian gang members in the Russian roulette game looks like Richard Sakai, a producer on the show.
Too bad it’ll never see the light of day, because I trust some dipshit named “Dan Greaney” to tell me how good a scene in the show would be. Oh look, I found a piece of the original script!

All Asians look the same, huh? Fucking racist shit right here.

FINAL GRADE
C


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Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 3 of the Discworld series

Equal Rites

Book Bonfire! Let’s burn a new book!

Pratchett, Pratchett, Pratchett. Here’s my dilemma with Discworld: I never read far enough to get to the “good stuff”, so I have no frame of reference for how the “good stuff” compares with the early rough stuff. For all I know it never gets that much better, it’s all just silly, extremely light reading with a disappointing lack of substance. How am I to know?

I’ve read Equal Rites before and I liked it well enough, but that was before I deluged myself with other fantastic fantasy literature over the years that set the bar higher. A reread of Equal Rites was very disappointing this time around. Maybe I’m expecting too much right now and my feelings are correct?

Here’s some stuff I liked about it:

“The first man who tells me I can’t do what he can do can give me a nice suck on the ol’ windsock.”
– Granny Weatherwax

There was actually some cohesion this time around. While The Color of Magic and The Light Fantastic both seemed to be pieced together by a dozen different stories that just happened to star the same characters, Equal Rites actually had one story that lasted throughout the whole novel! Eskarina (Esk) is the eighth child of an eighth son. Usually these kids are wizards, but this eighth child happens to be a girl. And girls can’t be wizards! The dying wizard who passed on his staff as an inheritance didn’t know that until it was too late.

I liked the first half of the book because there was much more focus to it. We learn about Esk, the little girl who wants to do real magic. We learn about Granny Weatherwax, the witch whose magic mostly involves knowing what various herbs do. Granny tries to take Esk under her wing to learn witch magic, but Esk is extremely uninterested until she learns that Granny can “Borrow” animals by getting in their heads and controlling them. This causes Esk to bind herself with an eagle, almost not returning to her own body. See, this was all very interesting stuff! I liked this stuff! It was cool and entertaining and good.

The feminist themes were pretty forward-thinking for a man in 1987. The persistence of Esk trying to be accepted as a wizard in a field dominated by men — men who aren’t accepting women in their club because it’s “against the lore” — was some good ol’ hard-hitting social commentary! I like that the two strongest characters were Granny and Esk. I like the ineffectual and weak dispositions of the men. I thought Simon was a fun foil for Esk’s radical ideas. And, of course, in the end, Esk’s efforts prevail! She gets accepted as a wizard, and she and Simon collaborate to develop a new type of magic.

Here’s some stuff I didn’t like about it:

“Hey Granny, the Archchancellor’s head is starting to turn purple. You can ease up on the thigh pressure.”
– Esk

This is possibly just a case of early-book-syndrome, but man are Pratchett’s ideas all over the place. Just like the first two books, Pratchett jumps head first into tangents and diversions that are bogged down with purple prose. It’s like trying to sift through an ADHD-addled mind. The narrative is constantly disrupted and convoluted, so much so that the 213 pages took me about a full week to get through. Nothing flows with enough grace to make it a page turner. It was a bit frustrating to weave my way though the dense thickets of the writing. It’s like trying to read my dumbass blog!

I really hope this gets better as the books progress into the good stuff. I love the idea of these books, but they’re a little bit of a nightmare to get through. I don’t want it all to be a slog! That would be sad.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

Does Pratchett succeed in writing a “feminist” book? Does he seem to have set out to do so? Does he avoid the usual errors of male authors who use female protagonists?
Doesn’t Terry Pratchett set out to do everything? The name of his game is social commentary, ain’t it? The name of the fucking thing is “Equal Rites”. What kind of question is that?

I’m not sure if I’d say Pratchett succeeded in writing a feminist book, because I’m still ever-growing as a feminist myself and sometimes I still learn about all the pitfalls along the way. The theme of Equal Rites is gender equality, although some of the tropes and pitfalls are still present. Men become wizards, women become witches, and that how it has always been and forever shall be. Inherent in this idea are the gender roles. Different types of magic for each sex, and the wizards have an air of superiority over the witches due to their more “complex” magic, whatever that is. Esk breaks the gender barrier on wizardry, and spends much of the novel establishing herself as the wizard she is destined to be. While this is satire, and it attempts to spin the ideas of gender norms on its head, is it a feminist book?

“Well, Granny. If you say we’re gonna have to kill our way through Unseen University, then who am I to argue?” *picks up bomb*
– Esk

Most of the book passes the Bechdel test proficiently, with the two deliberately strongest characters being the persistent Esk and the hard-headed Granny Weatherwax. And although Granny spends her efforts trying to convince Esk of her destiny of “women’s work”, she grows as a character and pivots to spending her efforts getting Esk into Unseen University. Pratchett was able to give these two female characters distinct personalities that aren’t beholden by usual adventure story tropes, such as the damsel-in-distress. Can you imagine Granny a damsel in the first place, let alone in distress?? Preposterous!

So I’m going to say yes, I guess. But what do I know? I’m an insufferable white guy like Ross Gellar.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is the first Discworld book with a steady story, but there’s still a lot of meandering and the story can be hard to follow. I think things fell apart near the end with the Dungeon Dimensions, but the first half was very good. And it’s a short book. It took me 890 days to read it, but you can probably bang it out in an afternoon because you’re smarter than I am.

Other Writeups for This Series
The Color of Magic • The Light Fantastic

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Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Most Wanted? (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Most Wanted? storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4- “Most Wanted (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Gwen’s own home gets infiltrated by the Vulture; Captain Stacy’s connection to Spider-Gwen still remained unknown. Stacy almost dies of yellow fog poisoning until Ben Parker, their neighbor, helped him out of his house. Meanwhile, Gwen webs up the Vulture for the police to find and everything ends all hunky-dory.

That’s it. No cliffhanger. Nothing. Let’s move on.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [July, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4

“Coming up here was a terrible idea. Tagging a condo that’s not even built yet? What was I thinking?”

A couple of vandals, Izzy and Hobie, are looking to make, and I quote, “a fat baby graffiti angel taking a flaming devil poop.” And the spray paint is two seconds from hitting the wall before Spider-Gwen-Woman gets up in their faces and scares them to high heaven!

Hobie defends himself by spraying paint in Spider-Gwen’s face, which caught her by surprise. The duo try to run, but they break through some very flimsy boards that cause them to stumble and tumble! “Stupid #@#$&%# kids,” Spider-Gwen thinks as she grabs both of them and flings webs to safety.

“So wait—you’re not gonna arrest us?” Hobie was with a face full of consternated surprise-type scrunching. Spider-Gwen reminds these fools that she’s wanted. By the police. And not just any police. The police. And not the Sting Police. The police.

The kids still plead self-defense and what-have-you. After all, Spider-Gwen came at THEM first. Then after getting accused of working for the cops, she throws up a little in her mouth after she’s accused of sleeping with Captain Stacy. “There’s no conspiracy,” she tells them. “I don’t work for the stupid cops. I’m only here because you kids could have gotten hurt! Seriously, what were you even doing up here?”

Um, ma’am, stop asking cop questions like a fucking pig-ass cop.

After a tense couple of minutes, Spider-Gwen lets the kids go. But this is Strike Two, and you don’t want to know what happens after Strike Three.

Anyway, superheroing is hard work. After an overnight stint as Spidery-Lady, Gwen tries to sneak back home. BUT, she’s caught by an unassuming neighbor.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4

RAPE! R-A-A-A-A-AAAPE!! I HAVE MACE AND A GUN, ASSHOLE! EAT MY SHIT! ASSAULT!!

Well, well, well, looks like Unky Ben has caught Gwenny Gwen red-handed. “I was wondering when we’d see you, Honey Bear,” he says creepily. “Didn’t want to ring the bell and wake your dad, huh? Good girl.”

Ben puts his arm around the girl and leads the way into the Parker house where Captain Stacy is snoring away on the couch like a loud baby. At the kitchen table there’s a copy of today’s Daily Bugle: “FOREST HILLS FRENZY: SPIDER-WOMAN BATTLES VULTURE, POLICE”.

Gwen grumbles at the headline while Ben makes Gwen some coffee. When Ben heads upstairs to check on Aunt “Cougar” May, she reminisces about her stay at the Parker household and mourns the fate of Peter Parker, who may or may not be dead on Earth-65? I don’t even fucking know! Maybe I should’ve boned up on my Earth-65 knowledge before diving tits-first into these Spider-Gwen comics.

Aunt May comes down to check on Gwen, who is rifling through May’s scrapbooks. After a spell, Gwen apologizes and tries to shamble away, but May stops her. “Please, Gwen, I haven’t seen you in months,” she says. This version of Aunt May looks like it would kill her to blink. She ain’t got no eyelids. Gwen apologizes again, but Aunt May is like “SIT”.

“It’s Peter, isn’t it dear? That’s why you’re here?” May asks. But it’s more than. Oh so much more. It’s actually more about the Spider-Woman thing, and the being Spider-Woman thing about it. May agrees, this whole Spider-Woman thing is bananas.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4

You know the worst thing about Spider-Woman? She’s mooching off our coffee.

Gwen asks what May means by “a hard time”. And May’s forever-open eyes start glazing over. “I knew Peter was in love,” she says. “He was in love with the idea of [Spider-Woman], Gwen. With the power of it. The freedom. With the fantasy.”

They talk about Peter while an incredibly dorky picture of him hangs on the wall between them. I’m finally getting the hint that there never was a Spider-Man. There was always just Spider-Gwen in this universe.

May holds Gwen’s hand, all like “Peter loved us” and “waaahhh.” “So yes, when Peter died, when Jameson threw a microphone in our faces… I looked for someone to blame. I thought ‘why not Spider-Woman?’ She fled from the scene. From police. She wears a mask. But something was wrong. Just off.”

The old woman keeps rambling rambling rambling. Eventually, she says, she started to see Spider-Woman in a different light. Months of newspaper clippings in her scrapbook reveals a person who is trying to DO GOOD IN THIS WORLD. Whodathunkit? And, maybe deep down, she’s trying to make up for something. Like Peter Parker’s untimely shrimp boat-related death.

Anyway, these two keep getting mushy and I’m getting bored. In the end, they decide that the only way to make up for Peter’s death is to keep on living. How’s that for wisdom? Thanks, Jason Latour.

Later, Gwen stands outside a theater that advertises a show by the Mary Janes. Glory shows up to give her some much-needed shit. “Well? Are we witnessing the triumphant return of Gwen Stacy? Or do we need to add a question mark after our name on the marquee?”

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Take it all out on the drums. Beat those fuckers into submission.

Gwen doesn’t answer right away. She just kind of stares and drools. Then she tells her that she wants to be back, but she’s still got that dead nerd on her mind. That dead nerd, her dad, Spider-Woman. Glory tells her to stop talking and start drumming. Smart lady.

Gwen joins in on the next Mary Janes show. Everything is back to normalcy.

We end at the police station, where cops are telling the tall tale of Frank Castle standing up alone against Spider-Woman until backup arrived. DeWolff gets pissed; asks the cops if it’s funny joking about Castle and three other cops ending up in the hospital. “Geez Louise, it’s all ‘gallows humor’ Dewolff.

Then DeWolff gives the guy a wedgie, no foolin’, and then Castle shows up all banged up with a neck brace. “Enough gawking,” he says. “Get back to work. Detective DeWolff… that means you, too.”

DeWolff glares sourly as Castle walks away. “Sir, yes sir.”

Final Thoughts

Peter Parker is dead! LMAO!

Oh, Gwen. You’re angsty and troubled. Join the club, Sister. I’m 38 years old and I’m still mad at society.


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Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Night of the Monster Men storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 2)!” In the previous installment of the Night of the Monster Men storyline, Hurricane Milton ravages Gotham City while Hurricane Hugo Strange’s Monster Men ravage Gotham City! That Hugo Strange is a wart on everyone’s ass and Batman can’t wait to get rid of him yet again.

Anyway, the monsters are very large and formidable. Expect every issue to be just monster man after monster man and oh look I’m yawning already.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5 [November, 2016]
Written by: Steve Orlando / Tim Seeley
“Night of the Monster Men (Part 2)”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5

Bruce Wayne’s little ward Duke is in the the Batcave helping Alfred win Minesweeper. Duke doesn’t want to sit on the sidelines, he wants to be where the action is! Alfred slaps the dick out of Duke’s mouth and tells him that Batman needs him here where he can actually be useful. “You’ve just begun your training,” chides Alfred. “After losing Red Robin, he won’t put you in danger.”

Duke is salty and petulant, nevertheless. Gotham Girl, who is also hanging around the Batcave, is scared of monsters and hurricanes. I say bring it on! The more, the merrier! If they team up and sink Florida underwater I’ll be one happy guy!

In Gotham’s factory district, Nightwing watches a giant woolly dragon-looking thing tear through a factory like it was tissue paper from a butt. “GCPD is completely outgunned,” he gasps while Batman growls and tells him that GUNS aren’t part of the plan anyway. Batwoman expands the evacuation zone, noting that absolutely no one should be in the city right now. Not even 95-year-old Grumpy Gus Berenger who hasn’t left his house in 48 years.

“Nightwing, I need you at the morgue,” Batman says, leaping away in a manner that accentuates his groin. “Find where these things came from. And Hugo Strange.” Batwoman stays with Batman, which means we’ll be following Nightwing to the morgue because this is the Nightwing series after all. Just try not to bone the corpses no matter how sexy they may look, ok son?

At Olsen Park, where the evacuees are standing around in the rain with their thumbs up their asses, Clayface is still disguised as 20 cops, somehow. He’s told to expand the evacuation zone. Meanwhile, Batman and Batwoman try to flash lights at the dragon to addle and bedazzle it with limited success.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5

We want him to kill us, Nightwing. Our deaths are part of my exquisite plan!

Batman tells Duke to activate the Bat-Beacon, which means every lamppost in the city now shows a hologram of Batman telling everyone to not be afraid of all the terror in the city, please. Evacuate, though. Everything’s cool. “Stay strong. Stay calm. Trust me, as you have before.”

Everyone boggles at these holograms like they’re going to turn corporeal any second and start murdering people. A few more empty words and the holograms finish their shitty, pre-recorded messages.

Detective Harvey “Sandra” Bullock is at Olsen Park griping about the whole city showing up for safety. He wonders how many more people that Bat is going to send over, and since Gotham has a population of roughly 46 billion people, we’ve just started. “There’s no way we can evacuate the whole city in one night,” Bullock gripes. Spoiler tells him “yuh-huh”, and her rampant optimism makes Bullock’s taint itchy.

We’re not at the morgue yet! Batman and Batwoman try tying a giant rope around the beast’s neck in a snare trap. It works for about 45 milliseconds before the rope snaps and the building it was anchored to collapses in a heap. Whoops! A man falls to the street, but Nightwing swings down on his own rope to catch him. Instead of being applauded, Batman is like “I TOLD YOU TO GET YOUR SKINNY ASS TO THE MORGUE!” Nightwing ignores the howling man.

“You okay?” Nightwing asks the man whom he just saved. “Why didn’t you evacuate?”

“I’ve lived here for 50 years!” replies Grumpy Gus Berenger. He ain’t leaving for nothing, you masked jagoffs.

“GET TO THE MORGUE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.” Batman is not happy. Nightwing tells him he’s doing his own thing and he can either like it or lump it.

Batman and Batwoman book it to what Batman calls “Tech Site Otranto-7″ where he’s storing some whiz-bang motorcycles! Two, in fact! Eat shit, Nightwing, you’re not invited to Sturgis this year. Get your dick to the morgue.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5

You’re rambling again, old man. And put down that cup of sperm, that’s not for you.

Finally, while Batman and Batwoman putter around town, Nightwing leaps over to the morgue. He requests Alfred’s progress on the biosample evaluation. “The monsters were once people,” Alfred says. “The cells use organic matter as a base medium. They overtake normal human tissue and rebuild it in their own image.”

Sounds good, pops. How does this help literally anyone? Go back to your harem, sir.

Meanwhile, on the streets, people who have not evacuated yet are panicking at the sight of the dragon monster! Batman shoots a strong net out of his motorcycle with a SPLORT, which pins the monster to the side of a building. This works for reasons I can’t fathom, so let’s see what’s going on again at Olsen Park while we wait for the monster to easily escape from it.

The park is full of screaming, hollering people yelling about where their babies are or where their dogs are and who farted. Fights are starting to break out in such close quarters. “We’ve been waiting here for hours!” yells a particularly bald man. “What’s happening outside?! What about our homes?!”

It’s like, shut up for two seconds while the superheroes do superhero things. But no, the crowd is starting to turn against them. They’re crowded and cramped and they want to watch Star Trek in their comfy, comfy homes. Riot!!

Dick’s at the morgue now, which has a few guards posted. He makes short work of the guards and reports to Duke that he’s Man of the Morgue now. Duke is still raving about wanting to be out of the Batcave to help, but even Nightwing tells Duke to cork the fuck up and stick to what Batman wants him to do. I mean, seriously, Duke. If you’re going to keep whining you’re going to… well, be the best Robin ever, actually. Keep up the good work.

Nightwing approaches the autopsy theater… ooooh, spooky! Oh shit! Hey, Alfred! Alfred, do you copy?? We’ve only seen two monsters, but there are four bodies missing from their tables! Warn Batman, and if you have time, everyone else!

“And make sure Bruce listens. There are two more monsters out there and we have no idea what they are.”

Nightwing sees tracks leading underground covered in fungus and algae. He also sees Jell-O with fruit inside.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5

Just like Aunt Lucy used to make for family reunions!

Alfred has cracked the Magic Death Registry. Robert Castro, Darcy Purnelli, Joseph Stucci, and Oleg Balinoff are the four missing corpses, which is something Alfred was able to find out for plot hole reasons. Oh man, Balinoff was the guy who tried to down that passenger jet and then he shot himself in the head! Castro slit his throat, obviously. The other two died in bombings during the “psycho-pirate debacle”, whatever that is. And Hugo Strange infiltrated Blackgate Penitentiary to get to Balinoff before he died! It’s all coming together like oil and water. For real.

Meanhile, Gotham Harbor is being attacked by the monster you can see on the Nightwing Issue #5 front cover! Some sort of bald, teeth monster with scythes for hands!

Nightwing makes his way to Blackgate Penitentiary so he can, I don’t know, look at whatever Balinoff’s monster looks like and run scared? No, not gonna happen. Nightwing instead lands on the roof of the Tech Site and waits for backup. Gotham Girl wants to help, but Duke tells her to make him a sandwich. Even Batman through the comms is like “GOTHAM GIRL, YOUR POWERS CAN KILL YOU! DON’T GET INVOLVED! AND I LIKE LETTUCE AND MAYO!”

Gotham Girl doesn’t listen. She leaves the cave and flies off to fight the good fight.

Oh, that’s it? OK, the issue’s over.

Final Thoughts

Is this supposed to be exciting? This isn’t exciting. I’ve peed in bowls of oatmeal that were more exciting than this.

Is this my punishment for starting a comic book hobby? Am I in hell


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Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Most Wanted? (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Most Wanted? storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Most Wanted (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Spider-Gwen is still at-large and she’s hallucinating an awful new character named Spider-Ham, a wisecracking pig dressed as Spider-Man! I want to murder him in a well.

Frank Castle will stop at nothing to catch her, and Captain Stacy is worried. That Frank Castle is a ruthless piece of man, and Gwen isn’t exactly thinking straight these days.

Is that it? That’s it!

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [June, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3

“Every night, my dad rides the train home to Forest Hills.”

BOOOOORING. I’m bored! How about Captain Stacy walks a tightrope home 1,400 feet above the street? That would be much more interesting than “riding a train”. Jesus CHRIST, people.

Captain Stacy looks positively grumpy as he exits the train with all the other mouth-breathing yokels.

“Look someone in the eye and you’ll see more than who they really are–” Gwen narrates. “–you’ll learn who you are.”

Captain Stacy looks positively grumpy as he walks down his lonely, dark street. As he enters the house, he calls for Gwen, who is currently clinging to the top corner of the living room like a… well, like a spider. Like a dang ol’ spider.

“What does he think when he looks at me?” she asks herself.

“Damn it, Gwen. Why are you still in that costume?” he asks. “Are you trying to get caught?”

Gwen assures her old man that she’s a Sneaky Pete and that it’s impossible to catch her. “No one saw me. We’re safe to talk here–”

“This is our home, Gwen–” Captain Stacy scolds. “Not your secret headquarters.” In short, she’s a scrotum hair away from making a stupid mistake that will have FRANK CASTLE on her ass. Captain Stacy has done everything he could – talked to the bosses, ate a whole wedding cake – but now it’s out of his hands. She’s on her damn own.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Can’t see you, Dad! If I can’t see you, then you’re not talkin’!

Gwen asks what happens if she’s not around to save someone getting hurt. How will she live with herself? And Captain Stacy is like “YOU JUST DO, IDIOT”.

Then there’s a lot of “I know what’s best for you” and “You can’t control me, Dad” going on. “I’d give anything to stop lying, to stop hiding behind that mask. But how can I help anyone without it?” Uggghhh, Gwen’s not fucking listening. Stupid teenager.

Anyway, eventually they reach a mild understanding and hug it out. Suddenly, Gwen’s Gwenny-sense starts tingling. “Get down!” she yells.

The Vulture leaps through their fucking window, uninvited of course. He crashes straight into Captain Stacy, full force. Yellow smoke fills the room. Her spider-sense is overwhelming her. “You’re keeping secrets, Captain,” the Vulture sneers. “Dirty little secrets–” He lifts Stacy up by the shirt and asks him why Spider-Woman saved him from the Kingpin. What makes him so goddamned special? “It’s time to come clean, Captain. WHO is she to you?”

Gwen scrambles to turn herself into Spider-Gwen amidst the smoke. “You’re no match for my tiger style,” she says stupidly while flipping around some nunchucks! She makes short work of the Vulture, certainly.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3

I’m gonna go WAAA-TAH on your ass! I can WAAA-TAH all damn day! Now someone pour me a glass of waaa-tah.

The Vulture thinks this Spider-Like-Woman is a fool! The Kingpin wants her gone, see. Out of the picture, see. But she isn’t taking that seriously, at least not until she gets overwhelmed by that yellow smoke. The Vulture’s yellow smoke. Remember the Vulture? You damn well better, he likes being remembered. He likes being remembered for the genius that he most assuredly is! And Spider-Gwen facepalms as he rambles on and on about his super genius and how he’s going to tear down everything he built up just because he can. And then, w–

BANG BANG! Captain Stacy has a rag over his mouth to keep the smoke out as he shoots his gun all willy-nilly. “Get the hell away from her, you freak!” he screeches. Vulture says things like “HRRNNNNGH” and “HRRNRNRHNGN” before flying away with his “I’ll get you next time, rrrrnnnggghhh” groan.

The smoke dissipates – barely – as Gwen makes sure her dad is a-ok. But he’s not a-ok. He worries that she may have just revealed her secret identity. He coughs and hacks and wheezes while she’s like “uhhhhhh, he’s getting away, Dad.”

Captain George “Fancypants” Stacy tells his daughter that the police will step in and take of all this, but she immediately webs his shoes together and slips out of the house while he shouts and rants. The Vulture had slammed head-first into a cop car, breaking its windshield, sending its occupants into a tizzy to end all tizzies. Smoke swirls all around him, but this just makes Gwen able to find him faster. She tries to make this quick before the rest of the cops come.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Where I would put that third fist? Well, it’s none of your business until it’s all lodged in there, if you know what I mean.

Spider-Gwen and the Vulture duke it out for a few panels until she gets overwhelmed further by the gas. “Okay…” she thinks. “Maybe this wasn’t so smart.”

Can I step in for a moment and say that literally nothing is happening in this damn comic. Nothing is happening! Something happen, please!

Gwen coughs and loses Vulture in the yellow mists… until a menacing figure wearing a gas mask emerges. “CAPTAIN CASTLE? CASTLE, DO YOU READ ME? OVER,” his radio blares as he grabs Spider-Gwen by the scruff and hauls her away. “DO YOU HAVE EYES ON THE SPIDER-WOMAN? OVER.” But then she starts fighting back. More fighting, of course. Fighting fighting fighting. “DAMN IT, FRANK, DO YOU REQUIRE BACKUP?”

Spider-Gwen snaps. She absolutely fucking snaps and is completely tired of all this bullshit! She starts wailing on this guy, throwing him to the ground, yelling at him. And Castle keeps reporting back to his backup that, no, he’s got this all handled. Clearly.

No wait, I spoke to soon. He gets up and cattle-prods this teenage bitch to the ground. “No more running. No more hiding. You’re done, you freak of nature. And I want to see the look in your sick eyes as that sets–”

He pulls off Spider-Gwen’s mask and stops short, disbelieving what he sees before his very two eyeballs! A girl?? A teenage girl?? With hair all over her face?? Just a girl??

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Did someone say something about a little fistin’?!

“Dad was right. I was stupid – sloppy –” Gwen says as she slumps against the ruined cop car. “Can’t just leave Toomes [Vulture] for the cops — If he’s figured it out. If he tells my secret–”

“No,” she realizes. Spider-Gwen is not a criminal. She won’t stoop. She finds the Vulture and webs him all up for the cops to come and scoop him away!

Meanwhile, Captain Stacy has, presumably, passed out in the yellow fog in his house. Someone jostles him awake. Ben Parker, his neighbor. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: Gwen Stacy is Spider-Woman at a time when Uncle Ben was still alive? How old is Peter supposed to be? What timeline is this? What’s going on? Where are my pants? Help! Help!

Ben helps Stacy up and out of the house before he gets asphyxiated on fart gas. As they mosey over to the Parker household, Gwen perches on the roof. “If there’s one thing May Parker knows – it’s how to get a man back up on his feet.”

And that’s it. That’s the end.

Final Thoughts

This series is dumb.


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