Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #67 – “Jump the Shark”! In the previous installment, it becomes apparent that Peter Parker and Wolverine switched bodies somehow. The issue is chock full of antics, like “Wolverine cuts off a finger” and “Peter Parker goes to school lol”. Not much else happens, but Parker Body does have eyes on the teenage girls, which is creepy.

I realize now I should be calling them Wolverine Brain and Parker Brain. Too late now!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #67 [December, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Jump the Shark”

The car that Wolverine Body totaled contains no survivors. Just kidding. Everyone survives for some reason. The cops are like “is anyone hurt?” and the one dude is like “there is a car on me.” Ah, it’s Wolverine Body trapped under the car, and cops tell him to come out with his hands up and no funny mutant business, please. Wolverine Body removes the car from his person and looks up at the cops like a scared little child. Because he is a scared little child. Little pants-pooping Parker.

Meanwhile, Parker Body’s class stares at the carnage out of the window. He grimaces and hangs his head down in embarrassment as the students are like “lookee there” and “wowzers!” The teacher tries to restore order, but it ain’t working.

“Whoah, you see who the dude is?” says one kid.

“Is that the guy from the X-Men?” says another. Parker Body facepalms himself into singularity and runs out of the room, drawing the attention of MJ.

Wolverine Body tries to talk nice to the cops, but they’re all a hair away from slamming their knees on his neck. “HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD!!” one says. Wolverine Body complies, but (painfully) SNIKTs out all his razors. Now the cops are telling him to drop the claws while they call for backup. “I think they’re attached,” Wolverine Body says as they continue to tell him to lose the weapons. After unsuccessfully keeping the claws at bay, Wolverine Body decides to make a run for it. Meanwhile, Parker Body is staring at the scene in abject horror from behind a tree.

Wolverine Body gets tased. Parker Body knocks his head against the tree in frustrated disgust. The cops grab Wolverine Body and push him into the car, but Parker Body runs out to try and stop it. As the car drives off, Wolverine Body advises the kid to not go out in public without the costume. That’s important, because if everyone knows that Spider-Man is Peter Parker then the Feds will try to harness his dick and balls for science, as we all know.

Oh sure, I’ll just put on the spandex and reverse time. Nice plan, Colonel Einstein.

In jail, Wolverine Body gets one phone call. He decides to get the Xavier School of Rampant Child Molestation on the horn. I guess they keep the main phone in the hallway where just anyone can pick it up and start talking, because Kitty Pryde happens to walk by it as it’s ringing.

What ensues is 100 panels of Wolverine Body trying to convince her that it’s Peter Parker, that they switched bodies, and that Wolverine’s body is really smelly and itchy, and that he’s in jail, and that – hello? Why are you laughing uproariously?

Storm grabs the phone from Pryde and starts talking, but the police tase Wolverine Body through the bars because he accidentally SNIKTed again. By the time they switch bodies back, Wolverine’s going to have uncontrollable epilepsy!

In a back alley, Parker Body contemplates putting on the skimpy costume. “I’m not wearing this stupid thing,” he says as he pulls on only the mask. He adjusts the cans of web goo on his wrists and starts climbing the wall. “Look at that – he’s got little sticky spider fingers. Cripes! That is creepy.”

Squashed like a fucking spider!

We are treated to a few hilarious pages of Parker Body trying to web his way to the next building with absolutely no success. I won’t spoil it here, but penises are a’floppin’!

Wolverine Body enjoys the peace and quiet of the smelly, pee-soaked jail cell until he catches the newly-arrived Parker Body kicking cops’ asses. Like, handily. Like, they’re all unconscious now.

“Oh my God!! What did you do??”
“Come on!!”

“What did you do?”

“Let’s get out of here!”

“You beat up the police!”

“Just a little, come on!”

He tells Wolverine Body to flick out a claw and pick the lock. So he flicks out a claw and punches through the lock, which is close enough. Wolverine Body flails around because he caught a rogue bullet in the forehead. So Parker Body pulls it straight out with his hands! Surprise! That doesn’t hurt at all, right? Quit crying!

“Bub! You are taking very bad care of my body,” gripes Parker Body. “I asked you to do one thing and–”

“Where’s my costume?” Wolverine Body interrupts. Parker Body pulls off his masks and says, yeah, he’s not wearing the fucking costume. And he calls the mask smelly, which prompts a complete defensive rebuttal from the kid in the smelly body. “You need to do a full body shampoo, man. You need to wash everywhere!”

They yell at each other about what each did wrong for a bit. Went to jail this. Beat up the police that.

“Kid, I need you to think. What were you doing last night? What is the last thing you remember doing in your own body?” And Wolverine Body says he was doing homework, talking to MJ on the phone, jacking off, and reading The Hobbit. Nothing about this weird body swap is his damn fault! It must be some eerie mutant shit going on, courtesy of the Xavier School of Fingerpainting. “Why do I even have to argue this!??! You know this was your fault!”

You’re going to do what to my face?… You did WHAT to the car?! Keep it in your pants, man.

Arguing doesn’t stop until they hear a nearby giant boom. It’s the guy from another storyline with the magic sound guns. I’d link the storyline, but I don’t fucking remember where he was from anymore! But he’s trying to rob a bank and it’s not working very well because Wolverine and Peter Parker are there to fuck things up for him…

…until they start bickering again. Parker needs to go through puberty. Wolverine needs a bath. Then Parker Body shoots the Electromagnetic Man in the chest with web gunk and Wolverine Body smashes him in the face with a fist. Business as usual, yo.

Luckily, they’re saved by the newly arriving, impossibly attractive X-Men. With a wry smirk, Jean Grey approaches Wolverine Body and is like “LOGAN, I TOLD YOU IF YOU HIT ON ME ONE MORE TIME THAT I’D DO SOME FREAKY MIND POWERS ON YOU, AND YOU HIT ON ME, SO I DID SOME FREAKY MIND POWERS, AND THAT IS WHY YOU’RE IN PETER PARKER’S BODY.”

So the two of them yell at Jean Grey to fix it. Wolverine Body tells her that she ruined his life. She tells him to cork it as she touches both their foreheads and does the boogity boogity.

It works.

Peter Parker is like “everyone hates you guys not because you’re mutants, but you’re $%!$ $@^# @^#!^! ^#!&!#^! #^!^@!&@ !@^!&#&$*!” Then he flies away crying his eyes out.

“How was high school, Logan?” Cyclops asks. Wolverine smiles instead of sneers, so it must have been fun enough!

At home, Parker apologizes to MJ about being a jerk, because he most assuredly was. They embrace in a hug, then MJ tells him the following:

“That thing you tried to do this morning, can we not do that till we’re older?”

PARKER MAKES A FACE.

Final Thoughts

Hooooo-weeeee!! How’s that for a yarn, goddamnit! Now that we’re done with that unpleasantness, we can move onto other stories like “Parker sat on a thumbtack” and “Wilson Fisk killed the entire population of Queens by farting”.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #66 – “Even We Don’t Believe This”! In the previous storyline, Gwen gets killed by a horrible laboratory experiment! No foolin’. She’s goddamn dead, and Peter Parker is really getting sick of everything breaking bad since he started the whole Spider-Man gig in the first place.

So he vows to quit.

Or does he?

Gwen’s dead, you guys. This is some real shit. Parker is a depressed lump now. He’s a useless sack of dog bones! Go stick your head in the toilet, kid.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #66 [December, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Even We Don’t Believe This”

It’s a sunny Friday morning and Peter Parker is sleeping with his jeans half down, exposing his polkadot underpants. Aunt May yells at the little fucker to get the fuck up, because there are boxes to pack. Well, May will be packing boxes. Parker will just be packing fudge. Get to school kid, you’re bothering me.

An anxiety-heightened Peter doubles over on his way to the basement to check on his super secret Spider-Man-type shit. He opens a Geometry book and opens his eyes in horror. “Oh no…” he thinks as Mary Jane shows up in the basement to give him the ol’ fuck-me eyes. She gives him a big fat hug, and Parker smiles wryly.

Something’s going on and it’s not only fishy, it stinks like fish, it does!

Meanwhile, a disgustingly-jacked Wolverine wakes up in his stinky, sweaty apartment. Or at least it appears to be Wolverine. This particular Wolverine has never woken up and looked like Wolverine before. He comments upon his rippling muscles, his atrocious body odor, his impossibly hairy hairiness, and… what are these things between his fingers?

Ooof! Tetanus shot time!

“What do you mean you’re not going to school?” asks MJ.

“I’m going to pass on all that,” responds Parker.

“Is something going on?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“Do you know?”

“What?”

“You tell me.”

“What are we talking about?”

“You tell me.”

“Are you going back to being Spider-Man?”

“What?”

“Do you have to go out as Spider-Man?”

“Spider-Man, yes.”

This goes on for some time. The gist is that the costume is at MJ’s house and he needs her to scoot that stupid little butt of hers over there and grab it for him. “Trust me – high school is a colossal waste of time. You’ll see when you get older. There’s nothing there you can’t learn on a good hunt.”

Parker leaves MJ confounded as he slips back into the basement where he hears Aunt May hollerin’! Someone’s on the phone for him. It’s the Daily Bugle. Get it while the gettin’s good, it’s probably J. Jonah Jameson putting you on Sewage Treatment Plant Opening Day correspondent duty.

Parker grabs the phone and is met with the yelling cacophony of Wolverine on the other end of the line. “Is it you? Is it you? What did you do??”

The smarmy, sneering kid asks who the FUCK he’s talking to. And the pieces are all coming together! Peter Parker is Wolverine. Wolverine is Peter Parker. “Why am I in your body? Why am I looking at you in a mirror of some gross hotel in the middle of God-knows-where? What did you do to me? What kind of mutant virus did you infect me with? Why am I in your stinky dog body? Are you in my body? Are you–”

Fuck.

OK, here’s the plan, dipshit. Parker Body is going to go to school. He’s going to go to school and he’s going to do book learning and he’s going to stare at all the jailbait, sound cool?

“No.”

Well, that settles that! And I—HEY!

Parker Body says he’ll meet Wolverine Body, but Wolverine Body says he’s cut ten days this semester already and he can’t miss more school. So just go.

“OK, all right, where is it?”

“Just follow the kids. Ask someone, not my aunt, walk out of there without talking to her.”

Then they go their separate ways after Wolverine Body accidentally chops the phone in half… and, uh, severs his little finger.

Whoopsie-doodle! Another boner!

Luckily, Wolverine can regenerate a finger in about ten seconds, so all is well.

At school, MJ catches Parker Body staring at the cheerleaders and drooling like a registered sex offender.

“Where’s your book bag?” she asks.

“Book bag?”

“The bag with your books in it.”

“Dunno.”

“Are you okay?”

“Not even a little.”

Parker Body tells MJ to go play with her Barbie while he has stuff to do. MJ hands him a book bag with his costume in it. He stares at it with a shrug. “That ain’t happening.”

Long story short, Wolverine Body catches Parker Body whaling on a school security guard on the grounds! D’oh! He asks Parker Body what the ungodly fuck he thinks he’s doing. Confrontations abound. Wolverine Body tells his counterpart that he needs to go to class post haste! No skipping!

“I came to the building. You said go to the building. I saw your mouthy chick. What else you want from me?”

“They take attendance in the class!! If I skip… I’ll get expelled!!”

One more accidental SNIKT from you and it’ll be your ass on a platter.

Eventually, Parker Body is persuaded to go to class. You know, for the lols. He shows up to class and immediately gets up to pee, much to the chagrin of the teacher. “Mr. Parker, the bathroom is for students who come to class on time,” he says. Then he tells him to plant that ass back in his chair or so help him god he will expel him so fast it’ll launch his poop to the ceiling. Parker Body makes the most sourpuss face I’ve ever seen and he sits back down.

Behind him, Flash Thompson flicks his little ear and snickers. Parker Body turns around and growls, causing Flash’s eyes to grow to the size of dinner plates.

45 minutes later, Parker Body has learned a lot about E. E. Cummings! Meanwhile, Wolverine Body hides behind a dang tree wondering if he should call the X-Men about this monstrosity. His train of thought is cut off by a police chase where the passenger of the car is trying to shoot the cops with shitty little pistol. Wolverine Body, impulsively, SNIKTs and leaps onto the car. He fucking smashes into the windshield, tumbles backward, smashes into the fucking cop car’s windshield, and eats it on the road. The car flies into the air and plummets toward Wolverine Body, who looks rather forlorn at that particular moment.

The students in the classroom have gathered around the window. Parker Body frowns heavily and calls the kid an idiot.

TO BE CONTINUED?? Ah yes, to be continued!

Final Thoughts

This is exciting, isn’t it, folks?! Is Parker Body going to statutory rape a teenage girl? Is Wolverine Body going to cut off is dick just to see if it will grow back? All this and less in Issue #67!