The Death Knight’s Squire, Chapter 11 – The Crypt of Impending Doom/Death

Dungeons & Dragons is the world’s most famous tabletop role-playing game. There are elves and dice and dungeon masters who wear capes. I’m embarrassed for even playing this.

Disclaimer: I’m learning as I go. There is a 100% chance that I’ll fuck up, not take something seriously enough, and piss you off to no end. Get over it.

Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, explored a cave and found nothing but bones and 10gp worth of jewelry. It was a complete waste of time. He found no clues related to either of his two quests and I’m beginning to think this adventure is all a farce!

Stealth check, of course (DC 10). 9 + 3 = 12. Success.

Immediately upon going north from the clearing where he rested, Milhouse is again blocked by the stream. “I just dried off from last time!” he bitches and moans, but all the same he holds his pouch over his head and fords the river. He reaches a crossroads where he can either keep going straight or turn left. Not one to miss a turn, Milhouse turns left!

And good thing he had turned left, because Milhouse encounters something very interesting. “A graveyard!” he yells. Always with the yelling, this guy. “Maybe I can find some more good information about the Death Knight here!”

-Stealth check? Of course! DC 14. 9 + 3 = 12. No good.
-Checking for traps? Of course! DC 15. 18 + 0 = 18. Good!

Spooooky graveyard! Heh heh! Booooooooo!

Milhouse carefully moves up and down the graves looking for clues. The ground in front of one of the gravestones looks freshly dug. “Yeesh,” Milhouse says. Nothing seems to be of note in the actual graveyard, so Milhouse takes a deep breath and heads toward the crypt. And it’s too bad that his stealthiness isn’t stealthy enough this time, because Milhouse starts to feel the ground rumble under his feet! Someone — or something — has noticed his presence here near the Crypt of the Damned, which isn’t what it’s really called but you gotta spice things up once in a while!

-I am prompted to roll a d100. I roll a 41. Hopefully this doesn’t mean Milhouse explodes into a pile of goo, because that would be problematic for my little campaign here.

The rumbles in the ground continue. Milhouse tiptoes toward the entrance to the crypt, making sure that he doesn’t make any sudden movements that could cause zombies to erupt out of the graves and feast upon his tender brains. Milhouse primes himself for any surprises as he walks within 100ft of the ornately-carved crypt entrance. He peers inside, noticing that the crypt seems to extend downward into the earth. Eep!

There is a coat of arms above the entrance with a small plaque below that reads “Together for all eternity, abiding peacefully in the Rays of Amaunator, the Family of-” and then it cuts off. Family of whom? Riker? Seinfeld? Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt? The marble of the plaque has been chipped away to the point that the name is unreadable. “Damn…” says Milhouse. “Well, the stone doors of the crypt appear to be slightly open. Good of a time as any to start poking around…”

-Milhouse checks for traps. Perception roll DC 12. 16 + 0 = 16 = Success = Not failure = I win.

Surprisingly, there appear to be no traps at the crypt’s entrance. Not even a bucket of water perched on the top of the door! That would have been funny, though. The handle of the stone door swings very smoothly out, as if brand new. He moves inside the door to the cool, stony silence of the creepy crawly crypt. The rock walls are smooth as glass. The passage extends ahead.

Click for Larger

-Milhouse enters at Sub-Map 3. With stealth, of course, heh heh. DC 10. 11 + 3 = 14. Check. Are there traps? Nope!

Milhouse enters the mausoleum and sees four crypts, one in each corner of the chamber. This room certainly smells of death, and not the good kind of death. The bad kind of death. You know, the kind that smells like death. The crypts themselves look like they’re in a great shape! Great handcraftsmanship! Musty, though, but hey, can’t complain too much, right? The smell of lacquer also hangs in the air, signifying the family’s wealth. Whoever these people were, they weren’t short on gp. KnowwhatI’msayin’?

Milhouse is bold. He checked for traps and found nothing. Maybe there’s treasure in these coffins? Normally he has his scruples, but treasure is treasure. He lifts the lid of one of the coffins…

…but it’s nailed shut. Harumph! I guess there will be no pillaging today. Milhouse continues into the next area of the crypt, being sure to continue moving with stealth as to not draw unwanted attention from anything, alive or dead, that might assail our young, intrepid elf.

RIP

-Yeah yeah yeah, stealth check. Not that it matters. DC 13. 11 + 3 = 14. Stealth away, young lad.
-Trap check. Perception roll DC 14. 11 + 0 = 11. Oh well.

Milhouse’s hasty investigation yields no major traps. Surefooted, he presses forward around the bend and *click*. The unmistakable sound of tripping a trap. Uh oh…

-Dexterity Saving Throw? Dexterity is my specialty! DC 15. 11 + 3 = 13! D’oh.

Two scythes come swinging down. Our nimble crusader doesn’t dodge one of them in time.

-1d6 of slashing damage = 6. Fuck. HP is down to 6.

Milhouse picks himself up, dusts himself off, licks his wounds literally, coughs at the taste of blood, and keeps on moving toward the large circular room ahead. Upon entering, the first thing Milhouse notices is that it smells quite fresh. Not musty like the corridors or the crypt room. Maybe someone is hanging one of those pine-scented air fresheners somewhere? Milhouse looks around but doesn’t see one. Perhaps it’s incense? That would make more sense, considering this represents medieval times and everything.

On the east end of the room is an altar with a pile of rubble surrounding it. The altar is empty, and the pile of rubble appears to be pieces of some sort of stone idol. Hmm. Suddenly, Milhouse hears the sound of whimpering. Groaning. Moaning. Pleading. From a child, if he’s not mistaken? Darek Brewmont? There’s also a raspy voice. Milhouse follows the sounds through the next corridor.

-Keep it stealthy. DC 10. 8 + 3 = 11.

Milhouse very quietly moves around the corner. The corridor opens up to a well-lit chamber. The raspy voice is louder now, growls “Look at me, cur! Look at me!” Milhouse creeps up and is horrified by what he sees: a gruesome warrior seated upon a large throne! He was at least seven feet tall if he was an inch, clad in rusty armor except for his face and parts of his sexy midriff, and holds a giant sword in his hand. A sniveling teenage boy grovels at his feet.

This can only mean one thing… that he’s missing the Dallas Stars vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers game!

Also, that this must be the Death Knight with Darek Brewmont.

Shit’s about to go down, son!


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Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #2

* Part 2 of 5 of the Survival of the Fittest storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #2! In the previous installment, we are introduced to an X-Men team comprised of Magneto, Sabretooth, M, Psylocke, and the rest (Archangel). They free a bunch of “sleeping” mutants from stasis and tell them to go out and help themselves and others – mutants are hard to come by these days and we don’t want the existing ones just hiding out and/or getting killed.

One of the mutants out of stasis is a healer, but he doesn’t get to do much healing on account of getting shot in the head by the Dark Riders, a group of ne’er-do-well monstery-types whose singular goal is to rid the world of mutants! It’s natural selection, baby, and what better way to let natural selection takes its course than to interfere with it and kill people, I always say.

The Dark Riders are the Big Bad. Five more issues to go of this tripe.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [March, 2016]
Written by: Cullen Bunn

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #2

A splash page gives me a little more background information. The Terrigen mists thinned out the mutant numbers. Magneto and his ragtag team of vicious X-Men are looking to stem the threat of extinction. Enter Dark Riders, who want to accelerate it. Who will win?

Probably the X-Men. Spoiler alert.

In San Francisco, a woman named Clarice Kenner sits in an office cubicle until security services drags her away for questioning, At first she’s like “oh dags, I was going on my lunch break” and then she turns hella blue and her eyes go yellow and she’s like “it was fun while it lasted”. Then she whups the asses of the two security services officers. Blood everywhere. “Someone point me to H.R.,” she says, posing for the comic book reader. “I need to report some workplace violence.”

The location is the office building of Someday Enterprises, and the woman is Mystique. She books it to a car waiting for her in the parking lot. She turns into a Tony Stark goatee-looking handsome, dashing drink of water. “I don’t know how they found me,” she says. “After two weeks… the whole operation is blown.”

Some masked muthafuckas are in the car. The one driving tells Mystique that digging up some useful intel on Someday makes it worth it anyway. Mystique tells him to shut the hell up; he’s so low on the totem pole that the clearance level on the intel is, like, a bajillion levels above his own level (Negative Bajillion).

A nice building in Detroit (which, let’s face it, doesn’t exist) called the County Medical Examiner holds a whole room of dead bodies under sheets on stretchers. Magneto is snooping around looking for the healer who ate a bullet. Psylocke telepathically tells Magneto to stop wasting time looking for the killed and spend that energy looking for the killer. In fact, they can pull it up on their fancy CSI database! Check this out: *picture of Kanye West*

“There is value in seeing something firsthand, Psylocke,” Magneto responds with coolness. Psylocke reminds Sir Ian McKellen that he’s the one who sent the healer away to die. Magneto disagrees, but doesn’t get mad like I would if someone accused me of killing some healer guy. Magneto blames the Terrigen mists, that’s what’s really fucking up mutantkind. Not Magneto and his words and his fists. “This man… was never meant to survive,” he says before finding the body.

This isn’t the only healer to get got. Other healer deaths happened in the last couple days, so a pattern emerges! For now, the X-Men mission is to find the other healers that will assuredly be targets and squirrel them away to safety. They already found two, so let’s spend the rest of the issue kidnapping them for their own good! Does that sound reasonable to you, Telepathy Lady?

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #2

We have to save all the bearded men!

Psylocke sees Archangel show up on the console for a split second, which audibly freaks her out. She regains composure and tells Magneto that she’ll track down Sabretooth and M before they search for the poor doomed healers “Triage” and “Elixir”. Stupid-ass names. I would’ve gone for Hans and Gunther.

On the other side of the country from San Francisco – podunk Cooper’s Mountain, Vermont – Sabretooth and M are cruising at 700mph down the mean streets.

“Slow down, Creed. You’re as dangerous behind the wheel as you are in a fight.”

“I’ve been driving since before you were born, girl.”

“Yes, please remind me about how old and out-of-touch you are. Just remember that we can’t help anyone… if you drive us off the road and into a fiery death.”

This droll conversation is brought to you by X-Men-brand underpants! If they’re good enough for Wolverine, they’re good enough for you!™

I think they drove to the Charles Xavier mutant school, but I’m not sure yet. “You know much about this kid? Elixir?” Sabretooth asks. And yes, M certainly does! He picks his nose and eats his boogers. Also, his healing powers are second to none! Top notch healing from this kid, that’s the guarantee.

A man who looks like he gives free mustache rides asks these two if they can be helped. They ask for Josh “Elixir” Foley, who is alive and well and playing a lot of video games about killing mutant bad guys. “He told us… he might have… unusual visitors from time to time.” The mustachioed man leads them inside where they immediately find the kid moving boxes to his dormitory (yes, this is the Xavier School of Hard Knocks after all). “Monet? And Sabretooth? Gotta admit, you’re the last people I expected to come looking for me.”

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Sounds pretty dramatic. Hey, can I chip off a piece of your face? I need to pay back some student loans.

Elixir glows gold like a Trump Tower toilet. He tells the two of them that they’re wasting their time on him. M tells him that they’re here to help, not recruit. Someone’s killing healers like no one’s business, and you’re next! *slicing motion across throat*

This young man cannot believe that M and Sabretooth, of all people, want to protect him. Remember all those wedgies that they gave him? Fat chance that he’ll trust either of them now.

Never mind, he’s at a church. That’s, like, the exact opposite of a school. Unless you’re talking about church school. Is that a thing?

They try to make Elixir feel better with hugs and kisses, but somebody starts blasting big balls of green energy at both of them. Turns out it’s those dang Dark Riders! And they’re here to force some natural selection down everyone’s throats! Sabretooth and M start fighting them while urging Elixir to get the FUCK out of there.

Then the Dark Riders kill everyone in the church. Oopsie-daisy! And M’s next if she doesn’t watch her tone. M uppercuts a fiery blue skeleton, which is the most badass panel I’ve seen in ages. They scrambled to stay alive while making sure Elixir is ok, but Elixir doesn’t want to leave. “I… I can’t just leave them… I can’t leave my friends,” he mumbled, tears in his eyes like a Trump Tower toilet user. He walks slowly outside, as if in a trance. “I can help. I can heal them. I can heal them all.”

“Aw, kid. Don’t you recognize a trap when you see one?” Sabretooth asks as Elixir appear to raise a bunch people from the dead.

“THOOM!” That’s the sound of an alien bursting out of Elixir’s chest, but with the alien part. The Dark Riders celebrate another kill.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Time to go to Wendy’s to celebrate! Psynapse, you got cash on ya?

Elixir is dead and M is sad. Sabretooth urges her to get out while they still can, leave the boy to decompose and whatnot. But it is noticed that the Dark Riders are gone, that they did what they came to do, and everything is done.

Wendy’s it is.

Final Thoughts

Jesus, what a shit pick this series was. Am I supposed to be invested in any of these guys? I barely know these X-Men and I can’t even make fun of their personalities yet like I can with Wolverine (pussy) or Cyclops (ultra pussy). And is Magneto a good guy or a bad guy? Or is he both? I don’t fucking know, man. I’m getting some ice cream.


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Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “I Am Gotham (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the I Am Gotham storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “I Am Gotham (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, instead of getting all growly and weirdly insecure about Gotham and Gotham Girl taking over the job of “saving” “Gotham” from “itself”, Batman actually uses these blowjobs to help him. I would have never expected that!

A guy frees Solomon Grundy from Arkham Asylum then confesses in Commissioner Gordon’s office before slitting his throat. This makes Gordon go “hmm… fascinating…” and enlists Batman and his new intrepid heroes for help. Something about “Monster Men” are involved. Go figure.

And, in the end, since no one will help save Gotham City apparently, the police get Professor Hugo Strange involved! The kid will stick his thumb up his butt and swirl it around for a few hours first. But, eventually, he’ll get around to saving that city! Really. No foolin’.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [September, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 3)”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #3

How trite! A montage of Bruce Wayne’s parents getting murdered in cold blood in the middle of a Gotham City alley while Bruce watches. The whole debacle was probably his little fault, too. The overlayed narration talks about growing up in Gotham, really growing up in Gotham. “Raised in the piss and smoke of it,” it says. You get used to it, then you become it. The piss and smoke, that is. I lose the threads of the metaphor at this point.

“I still feel like retching when I get a smell of the worst of it,” says the narration. “Like, I just need to get away from it, any way I can.”

But when you’re from Gotham, it’s all piss and smoke all day. You can’t get away from it. So you just breathe it all in.

Here’s the reveal: It’s not the Waynes, it’s some other family getting harassed in the middle of an alley at night. Only, on this occasion, no one dies because Batman grabs the assailant’s throat and slams him against a brick wall while saying “No.” The man’s head left a giant blood splat on the wall, but he’s not dead because bAtMaN dOeSn’T kiLl aNyOnE. The family is free to move along, now. Go on. Beat it.

Presumably, it’s a few years later. The couple who got assailed are speaking to a sort of professional therapist WHO WILL PROBABLY TURN OUT TO BE HUGO STRANGE, CALLING IT NOW about raising their kids in the city. The man, Henry, has been the one narrating. “Henry,” his wife puts his hand on his shoulder, “this nice man did not come all the way FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C. to hear you opine on piss and smoke.”

Henry frowns.

The therapist-of-sorts appreciates the piss and smoke talk. It’s sexy, for one thing. For another thing, it helps him paint the picture he wants. The couple are supposed to be talking about their two kids, Hank and Claire. About what, I don’t know? Maybe it has something to do with smoking. And pissing.

After the incident in the alley, little Hank fell head-over-heels in love with Batman. At least the helping people part of it, not necessarily the spandex part of it. Claire, following in her older brother’s footsteps, likes Batman too now even though she wasn’t present at the robbery.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Yo, Sis, I bet I can lift this inflatable deadlift bar higher than you!

As they grew up, they helped out whenever they could. Soup kitchens, telling stories to cantankerous old farts at nursing homes. “I made a fortune in this city,” says Henry. “And those two just kept talking me into giving it away.”

Pretty soon, the two kids were getting all sorts of jacked and were spending their long evenings reading about criminal justice and how to step on a black guy’s neck. “They were so obsessed, obviously,” continues Henry. “And maybe we should’ve… I don’t know… interfered.”

Yeah yeah yeah, Gotham and Gotham Girl. Get to it already.

“Then, last year, as you know, they went overseas. Doing charity work in some very… difficult places.” Cue a panel of Hank and Claire running children away from bombs and napalm. That sort of thing.

The man isn’t Hugo Strange. He looks like one of those seedy salesman characters that Dan Aykroyd used to play on Saturday Night Live. “And at one point, they asked me to wire them money. Quite a bit of money. They didn’t say what it was for. I didn’t ask.” Henry looks quite consternational, which is not a word! Money was wired, they returned from overseas, and now, SUDDENLY, Gotham has two new superheroes! Muh kids make me proud!

“Yes, well, as I said, Mister Clover, I’m just here about that payment,” says Dan Aykroyd. “That amount. It’s an anomaly. The bureau was checking on possible fraud.”

Mrs. Clover is onto him. The government is interested in much more than this money. They are interested in the two new superheroes, obviously. Dan Aykroyd denies that this is true. He mentions again that his name is Agent Malone. “But most just call me ‘Matches’,” he says, returning to his car, taking off his fake mustache, and revealing himself to be Master of All Disguises Bruce Wayne in the Flesh!

No time to be surprised! Alfred is on the horn reporting a bridge collapse! The Vincefinkle Bridge, to be exact!

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #3

Babies getting smashed to death against trees. Shitshows in Vietnamese hotels. Is there anything Alfred hasn’t seen?

And before this woman – yes, a woman – killed herself in the bombing, she was heard to mention the Monster Men. Again with the Monster Men, already!

Bruce’s white sedan splits in half, revealing the Bat Motorcycle (Batcycle?). Four minutes from the bridge, he has to hurry! “I must say that I do not believe the bridge will hold for four minutes,” Alfred says concernedly. If Alfred was with Bruce right now, Bruce would slap the man silly! “It’ll hold,” he says, basing this purely on nothing.

Speaking of the bridge holding, Gotham Dude is holding the bridge while Gotham Girl does her best to rescue people. Batman shows up in a montage of saving the bridge while someone else provides narration that mirrors Henry’s. Nothing about piss and smoke this time, unfortunately, but fetid walls and soiled mold. The decay. You are the walls and mold and decay. Planes crashing. Bridge bombings. It’s all part of the dance! “You feel each blow to the city as a blow to your own body,” the person says, It’s up to him to free people of the psychosis of the city. “They will not riot! They will resist! They will not panic! They will persevere! Villains will surrender. Heroes will triumph.”

It’s Hugo Strange. How very rousing of a speech, sir. Did your mom write it for you?

Batman holds up the bridge using flimsy wires and his Batplane. Here, I’ll show you:

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #3

This is how it’ll work. My ass in your face. Any questions?

Gotham cannot thank Batman enough for helping. “And I just… I wanted to say…” he stammers. “See, when I was… a kid – well, there…. my mom had a necklace…”

Batman cuts him off right there (lol) and tells him to keep on plugging along, slugger. Then he leaps away.

“Well, he let us see him leave,” Gotham Girl says to a despondent Gotham. “That’s got to mean something.

No celebrations now. A bomb just went off in the skyline behind them. “Crap,” says Gotham Girl. Crap, indeed. Then they fly. I don’t know how they’re able to fly, but they fly. I don’t know, man. I’m not writing this shit.

Gotham and Gotham Girl suddenly crash through a giant window into a smoking, fiery building. They make a plan to keep the building from toppling when they suddenly hear a voice that says, calmly, “Oh. Hello.”

It’s Professor Hugo “I’m Having Fun in This Burning Building” Strange and his associate Roger Hayden the Psycho-Pirate, Master of All Emotions (lol).

Anyway, this is bad news. Story over.

Final Thoughts

“Roger Hayden the Psycho-Pirate, Master of All Emotions”, huh? Yeah, we’re going off the rails now. Can we go back to fiery plane crashes, please? That’s more my speed anyway.


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Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #1

* Part 1 of 5 of the Survival of the Fittest storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #1!

What makes these X-Men so damn uncanny? Are they, perhaps, ASTONISHING?

Because, you know what, that would be…

zzzzzzzz

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #1 [March, 2016]
Written by: Cullen Bunn

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #1

We begin in Detroit, my old stomping grounds! What horrific events will transpire here? Gang shootings? Arson? A Red Wings victory? It’s a convoy of armored cars. The two men in the front car are talking about getting paid to maim and kill people, which is always a precious conversation, until Magneto shows up to fuck up their Cheerios. “I am Magneto… although I assume you already know my name… and why I’m here. Your employers… Someday Enterprises… have drawn my ire. I claim these vehicles… and your cargo… as my own!”

Enough with the ellipses, you fossilized old Boomer. Magneto uses his ultra-magneto powers to lift the cars off the road. Men try to gun him down with the same kind of AR-15s that shot Donald Trump’s ear off, but it doesn’t work because Magneto flips those bullets around and sends them from whence they came! “Don’t make me repeat myself,” he warns, eyes narrowed like Fry in that meme.

The two men in the front car are ready to go out guns-ablazin’ too, but a very large fucker named Sabretooth crunches down on the hood and smashes the windshield into a million tiny little smithereens. “There was a time, buttercup…” he says to the driver, “…I woulda scooped yer brains out before you even had the chance to soil your britches. Lucky for you, I’m the kinder, gentler Sabretooth.” He walks away leaving the dude’s britches thoroughly soiled. We’re talking soaked, man. Just a hurricane of urine and diarrhea.

Now a woman flies in to be a jerk. Her name is Monet. Then another woman swoops in to be a jerk. Her name Psylocke. They all bicker amongst themselves like schoolchildren while effortlessly, almost absent-mindedly, taking out the enemies. There are a lot of very large panels showing these dudes getting their asses handed to them. Magneto sprays the scene with bolts of electricity to the point where he overtaxes himself. “Death… still pulling at me… trying to drag me back…”

A semi-truck with the goods attempts to peel out of there. Monet summons one last X-Man: a predator drone of a hunk of man named Archangel. He used to be Warren (“Angel”), but he’s a bad guy! And he plows right through the windshield of the truck with so much gusto that I’m surprised no one has died five times in a row.

Shit, I need to post a panel now. Here you go:

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #1

Stop fighting, kids, or I’m taking away your ketchup.

“…weren’t hurting anyone…” says a man bleeding on the street. “…we’re a… public service… they wanted our help…” Then he asks who the hell all these X-Men are, and the only answer is a full-page spread of the five of them posing magnificently. Magneto, Sabretooth, Monet, Psylocke, and Archangel. Remember their names for me, because I’m dumping that info out of my brain along with knowledge about tying shoelaces and the nuclear codes.

“Take a nap,” Psylocke thinks, knocking the guy into a forever sleep. Death, see. The big D. Getting shafted by the big D, see.

Finally, they are all able to get the goods. Magneto opens the back of the truck to extract the cargo: large cannisters containing mutants. “Look at them… these mutants… placing themselves in suspended animation… so blissfully unaware of what is happening around them… so damnably selfish.”

Sabretooth knows these mutants are afraid of the Terrigen mists, but Magneto calls them fools.

One cannister opens. The woman inside, disoriented, asks the general audience if the mists are gone and if it’s safe to come out. The answer is NO.

Another cannister has been pierced by shrapnel, and the guy inside is bleeding out. Another mutant, a healer, a middle-aged man wearing a garish flannel shirt, stumbles away.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #1

I’ll give you something to choke on, missy.

The man just responds that he never wanted to be a mutant anyway. He never asked for it, fuck it, get away. Nevertheless, he does heal the dying man and everything is now potatoes and gravy.

“I did it, all right? Now… can’t you… just let us go back to sleep? Please?” begs the healer-type man. “Until all this… horror has passed?”

Magneto scoffs at the word “horror”. Like this: SCOFF! Then he does a lot of fancy-talkin’ about how the Terrigen mists are toxic to mutantdom and, since new mutants aren’t manifesting, these canned losers should be out there to be seen. I don’t get the logic, but I’m not a senile old man like Magneto. “And the X-Men… those who would have protected you… have gone into hiding. You have no idea what true horror looks like.”

So he demands the freshly exhumed, sleepy mutants to go out there and find help or help others or whatever. And if ever catches them selling themselves out again, he’ll recognize them as an enemy to mutantkind and he’ll deal with them accordingly! Fifty lashes with a cat o’ nine tails should to the trick! And it WILL NOT be as sexy as you’d like it to be at all.

The X-Men enter their ship, the Blackbird, captained by Magneto. Even with the fully-functional autopilot, Magneto still likes operating the ship manually to feel in control. A woman named Elizabeth who, as far as I’m concerned, showed up out of nowhere, finds his use of the word “control” funny, considering she suspects Magneto is using these new sleeper mutants as a control group to monitor the chances of mutants surviving out in the world on their own. Magneto neither confirms nor denies this, but reminds Elizabeth that he knows why she’s really here.

Blah. Elizabeth takes the controls from Magneto and grumbles about how nice it would have been to have a healer on board. Could’ve been fucking useful, but oh-fucking-well, right? Elizabeth calls the ship a possible safe haven for these individuals. Magneto responds that there’s no such thing as a safe haven. This guy’s a poopypants downer is what he is.

Under a bridge, a woman hacks and coughs while her young child tries to soothe her and calm her down. “…maybe I can help,” says the healer as he approaches the woman. “Just… relax. This only takes a moment.”

The heaviness in the woman’s chest and throat leave! It’s a miracle! Thank you, mysterious and frankly creepy stranger! They all celebrate a victory for altruism, and then the healer gets shot in the head.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #1

It’s just that he owed me $5.

The culprit is the leader of a team of very bad, rough looking dudes. Monster faces, pointy teeth, that sort of affair. THE DARK RIDERS. The problem with the healer was that he was a healer. An affront to nature. A slap in the face to natural selection. The mutants are done, they tried and they failed. Only the strong survive!

The Dark Riders will set things right! Muahahahaha!!!

Final Thoughts

This sucks already. Which of these characters am I supposed to care about? Stupid. And you have a stupid name, Cullen Bunn. I should’ve skipped this shit!

grumble


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Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “I Am Gotham (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the I Am Gotham storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “I Am Gotham (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Batman honest-to-God launches himself on top of a burning, crashing airplane and, with Alfred’s guidance in the Batcave, maneuvers it around the buildings and lands it harmlessly in the gulf. It’s the fucking stupidest thing I have ever read.

This was all prologue, though, because right at the end of the issue two superhero types – a man and a woman – show up to further ruin Batman’s party. “Batman, it is an honor and a pleasure. Please, allow me to introduce myself. I am Gotham. She is Gotham Girl. This is our city. We are here to save it.”

And you know what happens when some other mope purports to be the owner of Gotham? Batman seethes and froths and stews for days over it. The whiny bitch is about to get even whinier, is what I’m saying here. Prepare for it.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [September, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 2)”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Gotham City has a Statue of Justice which looks exactly like the Statue of Liberty except it holds a medieval shield. You know, the type that Link from Legend of Zelda holds!

“SOLOMON GRUNDY! BORN ON A MONDAY!” bellows Grundy as he fights Gotham and Gotham Girl. “CHRISTENED ON TUESDAY! MARRIED ON WEDNESDAY! TOOK ILL ON THURSDAY. GREW WORSE ON FRIDAY. DIED ON SATURDAY. BURIED ON SUNDAY.”

The very interesting fight goes on while he says all this. The duo don’t really have a handle on it, but then Batman shows up to lift Solomon Grundy right off the ground and throw him headfirst right into the dirt. “Feel it, Grundy. Feel how much it hurts. And remember,” Batman rasps with his gravelly gruff, “if you get up… it’ll hurt a whole lot more.”

Gotham thanks Batman for his help, but Batman doesn’t want a thank you from the smelly butt over there who thinks he’s King Fuck of Cunt Mountain. “You were letting him get too far.” Batman chews the guy out. “From when I interrupted, you would’ve caught Grundy in 1.3 seconds. He would have trampled that man in 0.7 seconds.” Batman points to some homeless old guy slouched against a trash can drinking booze. “I’ve been watching you,” he continues. “You’re good. You’re doing good. Do better.”

Batman fucks off, but Gotham follows him like a pesky little child. He wants to do better, of course! He’s not here to take the city away from Batman, honest to gosh! “You’re Batman. You’ve been fighting this war for years. But we’re here now… and if we’re fighting it wrong… show us how to fight it right.”

Well, this Gotham guy is making it hard for me to hate him. He’s a nice guy with a good intentions who doesn’t want to steal the spotlight from the Spotlight Hog.

Later, Bruce Wayne looks at footage on the console from the comfort of his guano-ridden Batcave. “I was dead,” he says to Alfred, referring to the plane crash from the previous issue where he should have died but for some reason didn’t die. “There’s going to be others, Alfred. Other planes. Asteroids. Aliens. I won’t be able to stop them. I’ll die. Then Dick will take my place. Then he’ll die.”

“That’s all very intriguing, Master Bruce,” Alfred says with awe-inspiring monotone. Bruce should have been at a gala event an hour ago. A gala event he arranged. A gala event for the children’s hospital. And they can only serve to much shrimp before the keynote speech. Let’s shake a leg, sister.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of millions of women getting wet after hearing Alfred’s sarcastic remark.

“Fine. But I’m not staying long,” Bruce gripes as he goes up the Bat-stairs. Alfred quips about this and it makes me swoon.

Elsewhere, Jim Gordon tells his secretary that he’ll be another hour or two (or three) before he can see his daughter. There’s a man from the bank, though, who’s been waiting for about six days to come speak to him, so the secretary lets him in. The bank man looks like Larry David, and he’s not from the bank at all! That’s a lie he told to get in to speak with Gordon. “I’m actually here to confess to freeing Solomon Grundy.”

Gordon makes a bug-eyed face. “Excuse me?” he says through his luscious mustache.

“Yes,” says the man while looking down sheepishly, “I put a bomb on the truck transporting Grundy to Arkham.” He grabs a letter opener from Gordon’s desk. “When he was free, I took him to the statue and told him to bring it down.”

Gordon tells this guy to slow his roll. “What’s your name?” he asks. It’s Bob Castro. He gibbers about not having a choice in the matter. “You see… the Monster Men are coming,” Castro says ominously before slicing open his own throat with the letter opener, spilling blood all over Gordon’s nice oriental rug.

Those dang Monster Men!

Gordon looks mildly surprised, to say the least. The most I could say is that he looks very surprised, but less is more I always say. I could also say that he looks a little frisky, but that’s none of my business.

Bruce is dancing quite gayly with a woman at the Childrens Hospital Gala Event (CHAE) when he sees the Batsignal blaring brightly outside of the giant window. “I have to go,” he says suddenly, not at all suspiciously. The woman looks mildly surprised, to say the least. The most I could say is that she looks very surprised, b–

Hmm? What?

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #1

The city is facing ECONOMIC HARDSHIP thanks to BIDENFLATION (KAMALINFLATION???) Just kidding! Trump’s ChatGPT tariff plan has doomed as all, I’m afraid.

When Bruce tells Duke Thomas and Alfred that he’s bringing Gotham and Gotham Girl to Gordon, Duke is like “YOU WON’T EVEN TAKE ME TO GORDON!” But Bruce gets what Bruce wants, and Bruce wants a threesome on the roof. Then Bruce says that he doesn’t trust them anymore than he trusts Alfred, and he doesn’t trust Alfred! Not really. The dude is a little too eager to help, wouldn’t you say?

“For his tenth birthday, he asked for a katana dueling blade. I got him a wakizashi, which seemed more appropriate for his age. He’s been this way ever since,” Alfred says of Bruce, obviously a bit salty right now. Briny, you might say.

Commissioner Gordon sees these two happy-go-lucky new superheroes on his roof and makes a big ol’ shit-under-the-nose face. “Don’t worry. They’re with me, Jim,” Batman says. Gordon begrudgingly accepts these uninvited guests. Batman vouches for them, says they both eat all their vegetables and turn in their homework on time. Gotham and Gotham Girl introduce themselves to Gordon, who pulls out his pipe and smokes the fuck out of it. “Is it really easier to fight crime with a mask on? I’d think it would itch,” he says plainly as he puffs. This musing is met with silence.

Gordon gives them the skinny: some guy killed himself in his office after claiming he freed Solomon Grundy from Arkham. Other than that, he doesn’t know what’s going on. So go fix the city, newbies. “He was ranting on about Monster Men coming. Mean anything to you?”

Batman furrows his already-extremely-furrowed brow and lies. “No.”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Great! Go get me some coffee from the breakroom.

When Commissioner Gordon is told by these two fucks that they’re going to save the city once and for all, Gordon puts on his best vapid Jon Arbuckle face and says “Well, thank the lord. Don’t know how we got along without you,” putting even Alfred to shame.

Batman has already left. The Gothams are mildly surprised, to say the least. The most I could say–

Hmm? What?

Gotham and Gotham Girl are like “BUT I’M USING MY X-RAY VISION AND MY SENSORY PERCEPTORS AND MY SONAR EARS AND MY INFRARED DETECTORS AND I CAN’T FIND HIM AT ALL” while Gordon puts out his pipe and walks away from them.

Meanwhile, Professor Hugo ”Fucks His Mannequin” Strange is showing photos to a guy named Roger. He’s showing him photos of his own face and asking him the emotions, which he gets correctly each time. “Good, very good. You’re getting better every day,” he says as Roger looks like he’s about ready to claw his own face off.

“Congratulation, Miss Waller,” says some sort of very decorated military man behind Strange. “You’ve finally saved Gotham City.”

“Well,” says Miss Waller, also standing behind Strange. “Someone had to.”

TO BE CONTINUED

OR WILL IT?!?!?

Final Thoughts

AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO MISS WALLER IS? Anyway, yes, let’s have Professor Mommy-Issues turn on his Save Gotham Ray and we’ll wrap up this issue with everyone all hunky-dory. Who wants cake?


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