Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #961 – “Path of Doom (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Path of Doom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #961 – “Path of Doom (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Wonder Woman shows up to help fight Doomsday and she can’t do it either! So Lois and Jon Kent are urged to flee the country or state or county or planet or whatever, just do something!

That’s really it. They’ll be fighting Doomsday for another two issues and there’s nothing that any of us can do to stop it.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #961 [October, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 5)”

“Metropolis. My city. Wounded. Hurt. Bleeding. Because of… DOOMSDAY.”

Final Thoughts (lol)

Lex Luthor flies down in his knockoff Superman get-up and yells at the public to listen to him, which will most assuredly not work at all. He tells the civilians to get back and get away and Doomsday was dangerous and the city got ravaged and please go somewhere else.

“CLEAR OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!” Luthor says dramatically. He frowns at a wall and muses over Superman and Wonder Woman following Doomsday out of the city and leaving a big, fat mess for Lex Luthor to clean up all by his lonesome. He picks up a steel beam and props it against a leaning building. That’s a stupid idea for sure, but I’m no smarty-pants like Lex Luthor. Even broken-armed, useless Clark Kent approaches to say it’s a dumb idea. Lex tells him to cork it.

After “supporting” the leaning building, pieces of another building start crashing down on the dumb little turd people below. A blue and red streak picks up a woman and her child and flies them to safety. The blue and red streak is never actually seen in the form of a person, but the child calls her Superwoman. I’ll have to take the child’s word for it.

The mysterious robed figure watches the action on his many CSI television screens with masturbatory glee. “Curious. A Lex Luthor Superman. A human Clark Kent. And now the emergence of a super-powered Lois Lane. More players to the game.”

Yeah, the Game of Butts. Stay in your hole and don’t come out.

Clark spots a craft that may have been used to transport Doomsday. “It crashed after he jumped from it,” Clark says wisely. Luthor doesn’t recognize the technology. “I’ve worked with nearly every alloy known to man, and I’ve never seen anything like this before.” He fondles the craft.

Two of Metropolis’ greatest minds at work!

Meanwhile, upstate, Doomsday is ravaging a bunch of trees, a farmhouse, a pinecone, and an abandoned gas station. Wonder Woman sticks a sword straight into Doomsday’s shoulder and he doesn’t even bat an eye! Then he kicks Wonder Woman halfway across town.

Superman is extra punchy because he’s fighting to protect his family. “I won’t let you hurt them!” he screams, falling flat on his face. Lois is like “YEAH, TEAR HIS ASS UP!” and Jon is like “Uh, mom, why are we hanging out here where the Big Bad guy is fighting the Big Dad guy?”

Superman picks Doomsday up and throws him. He taunts the beast with facts like “we’re not in the city anymore” and “do your worst” and “there are no civilians around to terrorize” and “you aren’t even wearing pants!”

Doomsday grabs Superman’s head and slams him to the ground with enough force to tear Australia in half. The mysterious robed figure gets up from his chair and declares that “it is time”. “Prepare the gate,” he says to no one.

Remember Wonder Woman’s sword? I barely do! Doomsday rips it out of his shoulder and hurtles it toward Jon. Sword point right to the eyeball! That is, it would have been if Wonder Woman didn’t fuck everything up by blocking it at the last minute,

Too bad. Shish kebab sounded good tonight.

Wonder Woman calls Doomsday “formidable”, probably because she doesn’t have anything more creative to say, and then calls herself “formidable”, probably because she REALLY doesn’t have anything more creative to say. Then she lassos Doomsday up like… uh… a hog on wheels! Or something.

Superman tells Wonder Woman to catch her breath while he THOKs Doomsday in the face. Wonder Woman is gasping and wheezing on the ground like a hog on stilts. While Superman flails like a genuine dingus, Doomsday takes advantage of the situation by wrapping some of that lasso rope around Superman’s fat neck. Lois and Jon go “oh no, oh dear”.

In fact, Jon gets SO “oh no, oh dear” that his eyes light up a fiery red. “YOU LEAVE MY DAD ALONE!” he yells, shooting red lightning at the Day of Dooms man. He gets awash in some flamey-looking energy and growls in rage! His new target is the little 9-year-old shithead, which Superman finds quite upsetting. “GET AWAY FROM MY SON!” he yells, punching Doomsday into Algeria.

It’s good to see a father and son care about each other so much that they both use their superpowers against some rock monster thing. Reminds me of my own youth.

While Doomsday takes his time returning from the moon or Venus, Superman helps Wonder Woman up. She tells him that the whole Justice League needs to show up now to give this bad guy a lickin’ he’ll never forget. Superman says that shit is weak, and he needs to spend that time getting Lois and Jon to safety instead. Will you do the honors, Diana? *puts hand on her shoulder* Will you marry my wife and adopt my son?

Lois is like “Clark, you dumb goose, you’re just going to fight Doomsday alone when it didn’t work at all before?” and Superman is like “No doy.” So they kiss one last time forever and Superman gets down to a knee to talk to his little buckaroo. “I won’t lie, Jon. Beating Doomsday will be tough. But I’ll be fine.”

GREAT TALK, DAD. AND WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES, Superman flies away to get his butt pummeled into pancakes.

There’s a Denny’s on W. 81st Avenue. No one will ever find us there in a million years!

“The gate is ready,” the mysterious robed-figure’s mysterious sidekick says. “Awaiting your orders.”

“Begin.”

Superman finds Doomsday in some wasteland trying to hoist himself out of a CostCo-sized hole in the ground. Superman knows how to beat Doomsday now, heh heh, he was just playin’ before. “Lesson One: Get him away from people. Lesson Two: Don’t just go toe-to-toe with him. Have a plan. Make him do what I want. Force him to make mistakes. Change the playing field. Neutralize any advantage he has.”

How are you going to do that, buddy? By stroking his schlong? How about a real plan? Like getting him in a crowd and going toe-to-toe with him! Sorry, I wasn’t listening.

Wonder Woman had taken Lois and Jon to outer space for some reason. The Justice League Watchtower, which is in space. Doomsday can’t go into space, so the only threat is instantaneous vacuum. You’ll be just fine, Jonny Boy.

“Is there some way to see what’s happening with Clark?” Lois asks. Wonder Woman hesitates, then activates the 24-Hour Superman Channel which will show whatever Superman is doing on the monitor at any time. That’s some 1984 Big Brother shit, man. That’s not cool.

Doomsday is kicking Mr. Plan’s ass so handily that he thinks he’s going to die again at the hands of this unstoppable force. And then, suddenly, this unstoppable force gets stopped by some sort of force!

Face it, Superman. You can’t even stop a… uh… stopwatch! Yeah!

These beams of light appear out of nowhere and render the Doomsday Guy offenseless. That’s a word I just invented! Superman looks around to see who’s doing all the fancy bad-guy-stopping, and it’s a bunch of people dressed in black that he has never seen before. The group of them keeps yelling about turning up the power and pushing him toward the gate.

“Whatever this is–” Superman thinks, “–there’s something bigger at play.”

No doy.

Final Thoughts

Man, I don’t care about any of this? Where’s the part where Doomsday pounds Li’l Jon Kent into a pasty pulp? I’d rather read that than whatever shit this is.

Click here to ridicule this post!

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #60

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #60!

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1) , Issue #60 [February, 1972]

”The Mummy’s Kiss”

Now, I don’t know shit about Josie or any of her Pussycats. I don’t know which one is Josie, I don’t know what her Pussycats’ names are, I don’t know why they’re running away from a goddamned mummy. All I know is that I’m hungry and there’s a bag of Pizza Rolls with my name on it.

“Heavy with the scent of embalmer’s spices, musty with the choking dust of his ancient tomb, stalking purposefully, propelled by the faint stirring of a long-buried memory, the thing from the crypt stumbled toward us! Who? Who was to be the lucky recipient of – THE MUMMY’S KISS?”

Stupid already! But hey, I like to think that some comic book writer out there wanted to be a poet but it didn’t work out very well, so he ended up writing for Josie and the Pussycats much to the delight of 11-year-olds from the 1970s.

Josie’s team, including two dudes with stupid pants, fly over the Nile River in an aeroplane and marvel at the pyramids and/or Sphinx-About-Town. Pretty soon, after a hearty breakfast of Coca-Cola and Wonderbread, our heroes set off to the tomb of the Boy Pharoah [sic] Ramelah IV. A one Mr. Cabot, who financed the dig, invited Josie her Shiftless Bums to site to hang out and do whatever.

A little Googling has told me this: Josie has red hair. Melody has blonde hair. Valerie is the token black chick. The two dudes are nobodies from Hell. We now return to our regularly scheduled inanity.

“Oooh! It’s fabulous!” says Melody as she gawks at some ancient statues. Mr. Cabot tells the kids that they can explore, but don’t get lost (lol). After a few hundred miles into the twisting catacombs, Josie notices something odd and strange! A statue of Queen Nubila, the child bride of Pharaoh Ramelah IV, looks just like Melody!

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #60

Well, Melody, looks like you’re going to have to stay behind and die of starvation here in the tomb to appease Ramelah IV’s mummified remains!

Flashback to Ramelah and Nubila hangin’ out in the desert. Ramelah’s like “we’ll make monuments celebrating our love!” and Nubila is like “I can dig it.”

“When I go, I go in style, baby! C’mon, let’s go scratch some naughty hieroglyphs on the pyramids!” says Ramelah. OK, I’m on board with Josie and the Pussycats. This is actually kind of amusing! It leaves Archie in the dust, I’ll tell you that much for free.

So two of these nerds, a guy who is still wearing sunglasses in the dark tomb, and a girl who is neither Josie nor her couple-a Pussycats, are children of Mr. Cabot. They seem like entitled assholes. Girl Child finds her dad’s notebook, with which he has been translating the hieroglyphs. Melody reads out of the book, not knowing that it’s an incantation! She’s all like “boogity boogity boo.”

“–and it shall be that there shall be a rebirth! And one who is reborn will speak this incantation!”

“Sounds dull!”

lol

“As the words echoes through the dank halls, there came a stirring from an undiscovered vault, and dust filtered down on our heads!”

Deep within the tomb, a crypt opens by itself. CREAK! A rotting hand clutches the side of the sarcophagus. It smells like turds and looks like poops. The mummified figure of Ramelah IV emerges, drawn to the lure of his old love. Oh snap, Melody’s gonna get the gross kiss! Bleh! Feh! Hork! Let’s watch!

“W-what is it? An earthquake?”

“Whatever it is – let’s split!”

Whoa, like, far out, man! Outta sight!

Split they try, but split they fail. The disgusting mummy crashes through the wall and runs toward the kids. Melody trips over a giant stone foot, and gets so scared when the mummy picks her up and runs off she faints on account of hella fright! Josie’s like “gulp!”

TO BE CONTINUED

NOW WE’RE BACK!

“We didn’t know what we’d do if we caught him, but we couldn’t let him run off with our Melody!”

I disagree, I think she’s collateral damage and they should cut their losses immediately.

The mummy runs into a room, flips a secret switch, and a gate drops between them and the rest of the group! Uninterrupted molestation time is nigh!

Instead of doing it her own damn self, Valerie asks someone to fetch the notebook. Melody read the incantation and brought the mummy back to life, so maybe someone has to unread the incantation to kill the mummy all over again! Bing bong so simple.

Meanwhile, Melody has regained consciousness and looks at the mummy, who is trying to grope her, with extreme disgust.

“Melody! Play it cool! Who knows from reborn mummies?” says sunglasses kid, who is the worst character in anything that I’ve ever seen in my life. The mummy leans into Melody for a lovely, moldy kiss.

“Close your eyes and pretend, Melody! You’ve had worse blind dates!”

Smeerp.

The mummy kisses the blonde one and disintegrates into a poof of dust as if Buffy the Vampire Slayer stabbed his little heart out.

“Like many a far, far younger man, he had crumbled before the power of melody’s kiss.”

“That was pretty strong stuff to fool around with at his age!” exclaims sunglasses kid, who has mutton chops and is wearing orange plaid pants. Melody says his breath stunk.

“We thought it best not to mention this little incident to Mr. Cabot! Some secrets are better left buried!”

Ha, yeah, he’s going to be like “WHERE’S RAMELAH IV? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS SARCOPHAGUS! 45 YEARS OF WORK RUINED!”

Actually, he’s happy that both Ramelah IV and Nubila have disappeared without a trace for some reason.

“Golly, I wonder if anyone will ever solve that mystery!” says Josie nervously.

Then the pyramid collapses, trapping everyone inside until they die of dehydration. The end.

”Twin Trouble”

After a hilarious advertisement for stick-on mustaches and sideburns, we return to Josie’s adventures. Josie and her crew are driving down the road when they see Archie pulled over with his own car smokin’ as the dickens! “I’m stranded! Ol’ Bess conked out on me!” he cries.

I find out that the sunglasses kid is named Alexander and I hate him tremendously. The blond boy is Alan. I hate him too.

ARCHIE, THOUGH, I ENJOY THAT SCAMP!

“We don’t have time to take you home, Archie!” declares Josie. They’re on their way to a gig. Archie thinks it’s prudent to crash the party and come along with them. “Never hurts to listen to the competition!” he smiles. “Maybe you Pussycats have something the Archies can use!”

Josie and the Pussycats begrudgingly let this ginger dork into their van. Alexander tells them all to turn left when they should have turned right and now they’re lost in the woods!

You done fucked up, Roy Orbison!

Alan, the idiot, drives right behind a tree and also between two trees, and I guess in front of a tree too because he can’t turn around. A large oaf in the woods named Lennie, likely an homage to Of Mice and Men, watches the group deliberate. He’s like “DURRRR DAAHHHH THE BLONDE ONE IS PUUURDY!” He leaps out of the trees, scoops Melody up, and runs off with her. Sound familiar? This just fucking happened. “Lennie not hurt you! Lennie like pretty things!”

Melody takes this in stride. It must happen quite often. A boy named George (confirming my Of Mice and Men hypothesis immediately) tells Lennie to put the girl down. Melody calmly introduces herself to George as if something totally alarming hadn’t just happened.

“How many times I gotta tell ya, Lennie?” George yells jumping up and down like a petulant, twerpy Gary Sinise-type. “You can’t just have everything ya see!” He tells Lennie to put her back, but Lennie wants to keep her.

George runs over to Josie’s group and tells them that Lennie’s got Melody. He’s half as big as King Kong and twice as dumb, and he’s going to get a bullet in the side of the brain if he so much as lays a penis on her. They can’t all gang up on Lennie, he’s too big and strong and he’s got some of that “retard strength” (not my words, but they are your words you intolerant asshole).

So they’re going to have Valerie try and outsmart him. Good luck, skippy. Before she has a chance to say “boo”, Alex the Sunglasses gives it a shot: he proposes a trade! How about you give back Melody and he’ll give you Alan!

Well, next thing you know, Alex is up a tree. Let’s try Valerie again. She’s going to grab a black afro wig from the van and plop it on Melody’s head. Now Lennie doesn’t know where the silvery-blonde went! This surely is a ruse for the ages!

Well, it works. Melody says the blonde girl went thattaway *points* and Lennie runs off in some random direction! The gang celebrates a victory until some bigger, dumber, smellier dude grabs Melody.

Once upon a time, someone actually wrote this shit.

Looney is even dumber than Lennie and he loves black hair! He runs off with Melody, who seems quite charmed. She gets raped and murdered and now Josie needs to find a new drummer. The end.

”What Are Friends For?”

A man comes backstage to congratulate the Pussycats on a wonderful, groovy concert! He’s a talent agent named Warren Owens who looks like Tom Jones, and Valerie falls in love with him instantly (probably because he and she have identical hair). He’s not good-looking at all – very tacky and tasteless – but she finds him very handsome all the same.

Warren tries to schmooze Valerie into breaking off from the group to start a solo career in… uh… Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Valerie doesn’t want to break up the group, they’re friends to the end! Right, girls? Right! Right! Wrong! Hey, who said that?! Make yourself known, coward!

Warren laughs all this off! HAH HAH HEE HOO HOO HAH HEE! “It isn’t every day you find such a nice group of friends!” he says banally. Valerie agrees, ready to pounce his dick. Well, he’s on the same page, here! He asks Valerie out on a date, which she graciously… gets weird and ambivalent about. “I’m flattered Warren, but I don’t really know you that well.” Yeah, I think Warren has rapist eyes, too, but I didn’t want to say anything.

I’m laughing pretty hard that Warren’s skin gets darker and darker with each panel. Like the artist was like “oh shit, we can’t have things get interracial here” but didn’t want to put the effort into fixing older panels. Warren bugs Valerie to please go on a date with him so that she can show her around town. She finally accepts, hearts floating around her noggin.

“I’ll pick you up at your house a 8 o’clock, Valerie! Stay loose cats!” he says, walking away.

Uh oh! Cat fight’s a’brewin’!

Josie doesn’t trust Warren. Probably because he’s black and that’s racist, but this is 1972 so them’s the breaks, sister. Racism wins in the end every time. Don’t blame Josie, this is society’s fault through and through!

“Just because he finds me attractive you don’t trust him!” snaps Valerie. “I never said that to you about Alan M.”

“I’m sorry, Valerie! I didn’t mean it to sound the way it did, he just strike’s me as a ladies man!”

Now that you mention it, he does look like a ladies man. And by that I mean Leon Phelps the Ladies Man, played by Tim Meadows, who is funnier than this story.

Valerie doesn’t care, it’s date time! She puts on her best yellow rubber dress with huge orange flowers on it and hits the town.

“I’m so happy you decided to come with me Val, you’re one of the most beautiful girls I have ever had the honor of being with!” says Warren, and the words melt like butter in Valerie’s ears! Now it’s down to business: quit the Pussycats and come be a solo artist in Boback Cedar Hills (I was close with that one, lmao). He suggests that the rest of the group may be holding Valerie back. Valerie’s getting uncomfortable with the subject; calls it “tacky.” So Warren backs off a bit and compliments her butt or whatever and then suggests taking a ride to the country together to look at the moonlight so he can try groping her in a place no one can hear her scream. Sound good?

“Sounds great! Let’s split!”

And those were Valerie’s last words.

Give me a nuzzle, you ol’ so-and-so.

It turns out that Warren is a perfect gentleman because this comic is rated PG and only Lennie and Looney are allowed to take advantage of women here. At the end of the evening, Valerie gets dropped off without having to use her pepper spray and she’ll see Warren tomorrow at the show! Bye bye, smoochie smoochie.

The next day, Josie asks Valerie how things were. They were aight. But when Josie hears that Warren loves Valerie, Josie is like “Slow your roll, homie! Ain’t no one falling in love with my Pussycat two seconds after meeting her!” Something fishy is going on here. This dude still wants her to leave the band, right? Something’s fishy! Something stinks and it’s not fish this time. Hopefully. Check the fridge.

No? Whew! Anyway, Valerie assures her boss that she didn’t even want to talk about leaving the group anyway. Relax, guy!

Meanwhile, Melody strolls down the hallway and catches Warren talking loudly in a phone booth. “You just give me a few more hours and I’ll have that chick Valerie eating out of my hand!” he exclaims happily within earshot of the whole studio. “It takes a little fast talking, but you know the guy who can do it! Once I pour on the sweet romance bit, just like a dizzy chick, she’ll melt like butter, so you just bring over that contract, I’ll get her to sign it!”

Too many exclamation points, Warren my man. Melody’s going to rat you the fuck out!

…but Valerie doesn’t want to hear any of it. That old chestnut. She knows more than them! What do they know? Nothing! What does she know? Everything! Warren is a hunk of man and Valerie isn’t letting a couple of bitches keep her away!

This is pretty tropey, Josie and the Pussycats! I expected more nuance from an Archie Comics publication!

I suppose we all know where this is going. Valerie gets mad at her friends. She thinks Melody is lying, that Warren was right the whole time about them holding her back. Valerie calls them both FINKS and storms out of there! Time to talk to Warren about signing a contract to put out a solo album calling “SCREAMING HOOTERS” and ride mechanical bulls at dive bars as a publicity stunt.

“Just because a fellow loves me, they’re trying to put him down!” Valerie rants angrily to herself. “It makes me see red!”

But then she eavesdrops on Warren talking with his buddy Charlie about Valerie’s contract. “That Valerie chick is a piece of cake! I’ll have her John Hancock on this contract as soon as the show is over!”

Valerie is appalled! Aghast, even! “Hee! Hee!” Warren continues. “The poor dizzy doll will be willing to sign her life away for me!”

Now Valerie is tearing up. Betrayal!

Sigh! Groan! Blast! Puke! Moo! Mooooo!

Josie and Melody approach their friend during this vulnerable moment. They apologize for upsetting her, and Melody claims that she should’ve kept her big, fat, stupid, crazy, idiotic, banal, cocksucking mouth shut! Her words, not mine. Not yours this time, either. This was all in the comic, I swear it!

Valerie apologizes too for being so uptight. Everyone smiles wanly as Warren enters the room all like “Hey babes, what’s crackin’?” Valerie asks Warren for the contract, to which Warren is all like “Hey babes, that’s what I like to hear!” Valerie then rips it up, to which Warren is all like “Hey babes, you’re breakin’ muh heart!”

Warren stomps away angrily! Warren doesn’t lose! He never loses!

You know who else loses? Every reader.

Final Thoughts

This issue was over 50 pages long! And, holy shit, did you seriously read this whole stupid blog post? Go outside, nerd!

Click here to ridicule this post!

Iron Man (2008)

Tagline:
Heroes aren’t born. They’re built.

Wide Release Date:
May 2, 2008

Directed by:
Jon Favreau
Screenplay by:
Mark Fergus, Hawk Ostby, Art Marcum, Matt Holloway
Produced by:
Avi Arad, Kevin Feige

Starring:
Robert Downey Jr.
Terrence Howard
Jeff Bridges
Gwyneth Paltrow
Leslie Bibb
Shaun Toub

PREGAME THOUGHTS

TONY STARK WAS ABLE TO BUILD THIS IN A CAVE!

WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!

I’ve only seen three of the, as of right now, thirty-four movies in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. This is one of them. I liked it a lot.

Iron Man begins my mission to watch every MCU movie in release order. Wish me luck, chucklefucks.

THE 700(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

TONY STARK WAS ABLE TO BUILD THIS IN A CAVE!

WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) travels to Afghanistan with his military buddy Lieutenant Colonel General Private Detective Sergeant Admiral James Rhodes (Terrance Howard). This isn’t a pleasure trip this time! Stark’s going to demonstrate his new Jericho missile! After the demonstration, his convoy is struck by enemy fire. Stark is wounded, captured, and taken hostage by the Ten Rings terrorist organization, something I still don’t know much about myself. They want Stark to build a Jericho missile for their group in exchange for freedom. Sounds like a bluff to me.

Some scamp is setting off firecrackers again!

Stark is imprisoned with a man named Ho Yinsen (Shaun Toub), who fabricated an electromagnet for Stark’s chest that is keeping missile shrapnel from entering his heart. Together they “build a Jericho missile”, and by that I mean they build an arc reactor and a metal suit to escape their imprisonment. Or at least Stark’s imprisonment. Yinsen will be left high and dry, apparently.

Right before they finish, and not a millisecond later, the Ten Rings catch on to Stark and Yinsen’s little scheme and ambush them. Yinsen grabs a gun and starts shooting all willy-nilly as a distraction while Stark powers up the metal suit. Yinsen dies for the cause, Stark destroys the Ten Rings’ weapons, flies away, crashes farther off in the desert, ruins the suit, and doesn’t die. Rhodes discovers him somehow and flies him back home.

After having survived such a bullshit fucked up situation, Stark holds a press conference to announce his withdrawal from the weapons manufacturing business. They’ll now focus on snow globes and lava lamps. Stark’s father Howard’s old business partner, Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges), as in “stain in his underpants”, tries to warn Stark that he’ll ruin the company and destroy his father’s legacy. Stark don’t give fourteen shits about this. Weapons are done.

While Stark spends every minute of his leisure time rebuilding a sleeker version of his metal suit, his personal assistant Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) helps with various tasks, like “helping him not die all of a sudden”. There’s a fun scene where she replaces the electromagnet in Stark’s chest with a new and improved version. It was quite an intimate moment.

Awwwww, these two lovebirds…

At a charity event, a reporter informs Stark that the Ten Rings have acquired some of Stark’s weapons and are using them to bomb various villages in Afghanistan, including Yensin’s hometown. Stark flies out there with his new suit to stop the attacks. While flying home, two US military aircraft tail Stark with Rhodes directing on the ground. At this point, Stark has to admit to Rhodes that he’s the one flying around causing such a commotion-style ruckus and Rhodes has to call off the counterattack.

While all this is happening, the Ten Rings have recovered all the bits and pieces of Stark’s broken prototype from the middle of the desert and attempt, at the direction of Obadiah “Poopypants” Stane, who is supplying them with weapons and planning to kill Stark to take over the company, to rebuild the suit. How’s that for a sentence? Well, Stane is successful in reverse engineering the suit, but the arc reactor that powers the suit is impossible EVEN THOUGH TONY STARK WAS ABLE TO BUILD IT IN A CAVE! WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!

Stark becomes aware of illegal shipments of his weapons to Afghanistan and tasks Potts with cracking the database for more information. She learns that Stane was behind it all. She meets with Agent Phil Coulson of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Clark Gregg) with this information.

Because Stane’s team can’t replicate the arc reactor, he breaks into Stark’s home, debilitates him, and steals the one in his chest. Scrambling for his life, Stark installs the old one that Potts had encased in glass as a gift.

When S.H.I.E.L.D. attempts to arrest Stane, he has already suited up and ready for Bad Guy Mode. Long story short, Stark beats (and kills) Stane and everything is back to status quo. The next morning, Tony Stark admits to being Iron Man in a press conference, much to everyone’s surprise and chagrin.

And then Earth blew the fuck up and everything died. The end.

*Black Sabbath music plays*

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

TONY STARK WAS ABLE TO BUILD THIS IN A CAVE!

WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!

Quite an enjoyable movie! I like the part where Tony Stark did the thing and then made the quip and then saved the day.

TOPIC 2 — Real Movie Thoughts

Oh, I have to take this seriously? Very well, then.

Until three years ago I couldn’t give a shit less about superheroes. Now I’m reading comic books all day like a child while comparing the intelligence of Captain America (dumb) to the intelligence of Superman (also dumb). The point I’m getting to is that I’m a big stranger to superhero movies, having only seen about two handfuls over the last 36 years and enjoyed a lot less. This is one of the ones I have seen and did enjoy, which I can only say about… well, as of this moment, no other superhero movie. Honest to Jeezus. The Dark Knight? Blow me.

You see this little lightbulb here, Stark? The dude does not abide.

I’ve come around on superheroes, though, so I expect to enjoy a good chunk of these MCU movies. As the first movie in the cinematic universe, Iron Man sets the bar high. Robert Downey Jr. is cast perfectly as Tony Stark, the intelligent and snarky wisecracker who is far from perfect. He sets the tone right at the beginning by being loose and conversational as his convoy rides through the shithole of Afghanistan. Yes, it is a shithole. Shut up. Then he confidently demonstrates his new whiz-bang missile system. Then he gets blown up and kidnapped! Needless to say, his confident attitude gets shaken. Throughout the movie you see Downey Jr. make the movie his own, putting on an incredibly memorable performance in a role that I can’t imagine someone else filling. Ty Burrell? No!

Paltrow as Pepper Potts is a good fit too, and, thankfully, not at an inappropriate age to be a Tony Stark love interest. No one wants to see a young woman chasing an old man. What is this, some Patrick Stewart shit? No! It’s also nice that they kept it subtle, not the focus of the movie, but just enough to give some believable sentimentality to a couple of action movie characters. She’s also a classic foil; the level-headed realist to Tony Stark’s over-the-top inventiveness.

Aahhh, then there’s Jeff Bridges. Fucking great, this guy. Obadiah Stane is a real piece of shit antagonist, and Bridges has just the right amount of arrogant bombast to pull it off beautifully. Plus, he shaved his head and grew a beard for the role, something that he obviously pulled off splendidly. Lots of nice adverbs in this paragraph! I also like how they made him a business partner instead of just a rival from another company. Twists the knife a little harder in Stark’s supple little gut.

Is your bowtie crisp, or are you just happy to see me?

Terrance Howard? Who cares. He got replaced by Don Cheadle anyway. I don’t even remember his name in the movie? Professor Air Force?

Would recommend. Holds up well for something over 15 years old already.

TOPIC 3 — Iron Man

I don’t know much about Iron Man, admittedly. When I think of Iron Man I think of Robert Downey Jr. and his fondness for really, really hard drugs. I’m, like, 27% certain that Tony Stark from the comics isn’t shooting up heroin or anything like that. Every Marvel hero has a flaw, and I’m not sure what Iron Man’s is. Captain America, for example, is a stupid sack of shit, and Spider-Man pees his pants a lot, but Iron Man? Is he a hard drinker? Does he kill the prostitutes that he bones? What’s his deal?

We may never know. That’s all I really have to say about Iron Man. Also, he’s really rich. Maybe he can afford to shoot up heroin without ruining his life.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

To avoid spoilers about the final press conference, the extras were told that it was a dream sequence.
Spoilers for whom? The extras? Who gives a shit about spoiling a movie for extras?

Jeff Bridges said he felt really uncomfortable not having a script or rehearsals, since normally he is very prepared, and knows his lines word for word. Realizing it was like he was in a “two hundred million dollar student film” took the pressure off of him and made it fun.
This movie cost $200,000,000 to make? What the fuck, Hollywood? Feed some children.

In an interview with Britain’s Empire Magazine, Robert Downey Jr. thanked Burger King for helping him get straight edged in 2003 with a car full of drugs.
lol what? This is the best sentence I’ve ever read.

Hey, I can play Lemmings on this thing!

Jon Favreau celebrated getting the job as director by going on a diet and losing seventy pounds.
Yes! I got the job! Now to starve myself for weeks, as a treat!

During pre-production, Robert Downey Jr. set up an office next to Jon Favreau’s office, to discuss his role with him, and to be more involved in the film’s screenwriting.
Reportedly, Downey Jr. also drilled a hole in the wall for “anonymous blowjobs”.

“Being in the Iron Man suit is like being in the coolest Halloween costume ever,” said Downey Jr. “You’re putting the suit on and you catch a glimpse in the mirror and you go, That’s right, Grandma would be proud.”
Grandma is really hard to please, too. Grandma used to ink Sailor Jerry tattoos on convicts. Grandma voted for Ralph Nader in the 2000 election.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes. This is probably one of the better superhero movies considering Robert Downey Jr. is the man and it’s cool that he hasn’t placed any heroin in body for 20 years!

I also saw Iron Man 2 and I remember not liking it too much, but that’s a topic for another post (the one where I talk about Iron Man 2 <—— and if there’s a link there that means I talked about it! Click it!)

Click here to ridicule this post!

The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 29: “A Trap to Spring”

Meet Laras, the extremely obese “Mistress of the Kitchens” who whacks the young women with a wooden spoon and berates them in front of everyone else. She’s afraid of Siuan, but that comes later.

Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne are all scrubbing pots and helping cook like good little Aes Sedai. Nynaeve struggles to keep her temper as Laras belittles her as if she was King Shit of Fuck Mountain.

Siuan enters the kitchens and scares everyone to death with her commanding presence and her mean glares. As a pretense, she kicks Elayne and (by accident) Egwene out before sidling up to Nynaeve and having a surreptitious conversation. Here’s the facts, ma’am:

-Siuan says Sheriam found another Gray Man dead on her own bed.
-Nynaeve says — doesn’t accuse — that both Sheriam and Elaida had a chance to rifle through Egwene’s Aes Sedai notes.
-Nynaeve says Alanna is acting weird. Siuan will keep an eye on her.
-Nynaeve relays what they found in the storeroom. Siuan is unnerved. All of the belongings Liandrin + 12 were collected and burned. Else was kicked out of the Tower 10 days ago. Something fishy as hell is going on.
-Siuan knows this is an obvious trap. Nynaeve explains their intentions to go to Tear. Siuan will provide money for their journey.
-Siuan knows Elayne is involved. So be it. Let the girl deal with Morgase herself, then.
-Nynaeve asks about Collandor. Siuan is like “oh shit, the Black Ajah shouldn’t get it at all oh no”. Siuan says that if the three of them die keeping it out of their hands, it would be worth the world not being destroyed.

That’s about it. Elayne and Egwene return and Nynaeve tells them that Siuan gave her blessing. Off to Tear at the first chance. Pack your parka, it’s going to be a cold journey!

Click here to ridicule this post!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #57 – “Hollywood (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Hollywood storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #57 – “Hollywood (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Spider-Man fights Doc Ock for 45 minutes on the Spider-Man (2002) movie set, and Spidey loses handily. It was a slow build up to a whole lot of nothing.

MJ’s father has been kicked out of her house, so her punishment has been lifted. Too bad bonin’ Peter Parker is out of the question, because Spidey wakes up from unconsciousness during the fight to find himself strapped to a seat on an airplane headed to god knows where.

My initial guess was Guinea-Bissau, but I’m going to change it to regular Guinea!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #57 [June, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Hollywood (Part 4)”

“Uh… hello?” Spider-Man looks battered and broken, unable to move his spindly little arms.

“You’re awake,” says a voice behind a door. “Good for you.”

“Oh… Yippee…” Spidey responds dazed as Doc Ock emerges, smiling wryly, tentacles a’flailin’. He pulls off Spidey’s mask, revealing the little punk-ass high schooler. Then Ock punches the kid in the jaw with a powerful metal arm with a SPOK.

“I did that because I wanted you to know that you weren’t dreaming. This is the rest of your life,” Ock says as Parker groans hilariously and complains about his sudden loose teeth. “Here. I’m a doctor. Let me take a look,” Ock says, sticking little metal fingers into Parker’s mouth. After much screaming from the kid, and nervous glances behind his back from the pilot nervously flying the plane, Ock extracts the bothersome tooth. “There… that’s better.”

Ock smiles sadistically while Parker cries like a wuss. I get my teeth knocked out everyday and you don’t hear me bellyachin’! Then Ock sprays Parker’s mouth with Parker’s own can of Easy Cheese Webs.

“You’re only here for one purpose only,” Ock continues. Parker is unable to speak or retort or complain or sing or whistle. “You are currency. You are my ‘break glass in case of emergency.’ Being that you have once again sent my life into an incredible amount of disarray… which I absolutely hate!!”

Oh, now the whinee has become the whiner! Or some such. Ock tells Parker that there’s one thing he never understood about him: how did the double life work out for him? He still went to school and had a girlfriend and wet his pants and ate Cheerios even with all the web-slinging and crime-busting? Impressive! Too bad it’s all related to daddy issues. Ock’s got his number. Parker begs for the city’s attention because his overworked geneticist father never paid him any.

All Parker can do is glare at Ock murderously.

Oh no, sir, you can no longer find a “cure for homosexuality?” Your life dreams dashed!

“WHY ARE ALL OF YOU STANDING IN MY WAY?!” Ock yells, spittle flying out of his dumb face. The pilot tells him there are 20 minutes until they’re at their destination, so Ock decides to kill 20 minutes by doing the tropey villain thing: explaining everything to his victim before he kills him. That never, ever backfires!

Flashback to the previous issue’s fight where Spidey lost like a little spidery bitch. The S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are trying to neutralize the Octopus Situation, which, in this case, means the arms are thrashing and throwing cars on their own. Things are on fire. Maguire, Raimi, and Arad have the brilliant idea to get out of there, probably, soon, maybe… after they film all this wonderful, juicy carnage.

The arms continue throwing shit around for pages and pages while S.H.I.E.L.D. acts useless and afraid. They didn’t realize that the arms can move around on their own. That’s kind of fucked up actually. Soon enough, the arms slip away amidst the chaos and creep into a car that Ock stole during the ruckus. An unconscious Spidey sits in the passenger seat. Ock drives his two buddies to the Rockefeller Air Field and uses his arms to wreak more havoc and steal an airplane.

And here we are.

I have to make sure the pilot continues to do pilot things and not any “kill the Octopus Man” things.

The pilot takes some time out of his busy schedule of not dying to let Ock know, as he tried to let him know before, that you can’t just fly a plane and land anywhere you want out of nowhere. The flight isn’t in any logbook, so… he made up a fake log number and lied about it to Ground Control. For you, sir. Meanwhile, Ground Control reports to Major Tom that they’re not seeing his log number anywhere and he’s not cleared to land. They’ve been circling for hours and they’re running out of fuel. Their last-ditch effort will have to be flying into the Twin Towers for safety reasons! And trust me, the pilot is quite tempted!

Then, suddenly, Ground Control finds the log number and he’s cleared for landing on Runway 7. Whew! No hitches at all! Except for the fact that Spidey opened the emergency exit and jumped out of the place!

“PARKER!!” screams Ock once he realizes he’s just been hoodwinked by Parker’s silly fuckass nonsense! We live to see another issue!

Back at the Parker household, Gwen Stacy sits on the front stoop. Perturbed, she enters the house and, out of nowhere, decides to investigate the locked chest in the basement.

She cracks the lock open with a hammer.

And discovers a Spidey costume folded up within, mask and all. Tears enter her eyes when realization sets in.

“You killed my father.”

Final Thoughts

UH OH! BOI-OI-OI-OI-OI-OING! You’re in trouble now, Peter Parker! Gwen Stacy is going to have strong words to say to you once you smack the ground at 40,000 mph.

Click here to ridicule this post!

Tom Writes About Stuff

The Internet's #1 Worst Blog

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #961 – “Path of Doom (Part 5)”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #961 [October, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 5)”

Final Thoughts

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #60

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1) , Issue #60 [February, 1972]

”The Mummy’s Kiss”

”Twin Trouble”

”What Are Friends For?”

Final Thoughts

Iron Man (2008)

PREGAME THOUGHTS

THE 700(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS