Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #490 – “Who Riddled the Riddler?”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, Bruce was prescribed some elephant tranquilizers and, after eating a handful of them, spends his days sleeping in his bed having nightmares about his parents getting gutted by bullets instead of traipsing around the city fighting all that dang crime! That means Robin has to do it with his trusty new sidekick Garth Algar. I mean Jean-Paul Valley, aka Azrael, aka Garth from Wayne’s World.
The actual issue was about Killer Croc terrorizing a mall, which lured Bane because he expected Killer Croc to lure Batman. Bane is strong and he could kick Batman’s fine feathered ass, which I hope to see very soon. I’d like Bane to just punch a hole in Bruce’s face while he’s asleep in his bed. I’d like to see that so badly that it hurts!
Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #490 [March, 1993]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Who Riddled the Riddler?”
Bruce wakes up in a daze, shirtless, with his well-oiled muscles glistening under the light of the Batsignal blaring through the window. He may feel like every type of shit from that Bristol stool chart, but if that Batsignal is on then he has no choice but to hoist his bulk out of a bed and slither on over the police headquarters.
Robin already beat him to the punch, though, with Azrael in tow (still dressed as Batman from the previous issue where he had to dress as Batman). Robin tells “Batman” to hang back while he talks to Gordon. Lay low. Play tiddlywinks.
Real Batman shows up on the roof to tell Fake Batman to fuck off with this fake Batman shit. Azrael looks sad that he doesn’t get to play Batman anymore. “But… what do I do now?” he asks once Batman says that he’ll take it from here. Batman tells him to go play tiddlywinks.
Jim Gordon’s hair is completely white, meaning he’s been stressed out about literally everything lately including, but not limited to, his bowling league. Plus a headache, a tummyache, a pissed-off wife, and sciatica. He holds a ransom note with a riddle: “What crowns just one but beats a dozen?” What kind of riddle is this? What kind of Riddle-type Man would do such a thing?
Batman asks if he dusted the piece of paper for prints. Yep! Positive ID on Jim Carrey. We all knew it from the get-go.
Jim Gordon spins around to ask Batman if he knows the answer to the fabulous riddle, but he gone. “What does he always do that to me?” Gordon growls petulantly as he shuffles off to leave the roof.
On another roof, or perhaps it’s the same roof (which would be dumb, but this is Gotham after all), Bane and his ragtag crew of Rowdy Roddy Pipers finish eavesdropping and spying. They noticed something quite… peculiar… “He moved differently…” Bane says. “Slower… almost in pain… and whatever is wrong with him, it’s the reason he failed to confront Killer Croc.”
Killer Croc ain’t shit, and the Riddler is worth his time? It doesn’t add up, see. It doesn’t add up at all, see.
Bane’s got an idea! Make the spindly little Riddler an actual force to be reckoned with! Pump that guy so full of Venom that he will no longer be able to see straight.
By the way, readers, do you like the tasteful concealment of the nipples just as much as I do?
Meanwhile, Robin is briefing Batman on their encounter with Bane at the mall. It was as if he was wearing a helmet that was injecting him with mojo! And he’s more than just a big, beefy monster! He’s shrewd and smart as a whip! Robin had him take his algebra test for him and he got a B+.
Here’s the rub: Bane knew that Jean-Paul wasn’t really Batman, and now he’s going to try to figure out why the real Batman wasn’t there. And “yoga” is not a good excuse. Not anymore.
“Well, there’s something, you know… wrong with you,” Robin says with little tact.
“Nothing’s wrong with me,” Batman growls. “And now you can go home too.”
That’s right, give the kid a spanking. Handle Riddler by yourself, you don’t need this little twerp anyway. Batman peels off in his Batmobile hilariously, leaving Robin out in the cold to die of exposure.
Batman, alone with his sexy thoughts, wonders why the Riddler is reaching out to him right now. The cowled one drives around the streets for hours looking for the guy with the Matthew Lesko question-marks suit. “What crowns just one but beats a doz—Wait a minute! The clock tower atop Number One Gotham Plaza – a belfry crowing city hall–” he runs about six cars off the road turning and weaving around the streets, “–and set to blow up at the stroke of midnight!”
Good job, genius. Now you have only ten minutes to stop it. Good luck.
The Riddler waits for Batman in the bell tower, all like “I’M BEING STOOD UP”. He attaches the detonator to the belfry and starts skulking away, but Batman shows up in the nick of time to tell Riddler to freeze while he pummels him to death with his own flaccid two-inch penis.
Just kidding. It’s not Batman. It’s Bane. And Bane does what Bane does best: shoots Riddler full of darts. His body starts tingling… oh dear sweet Jesus, is this Venom? Huzzah!
Ho ho ho, bitch!
Bane walks away telling him that he has 48 hours to make good use of this stuff or else he’ll be sorely disappointed like a disappointed dad! The worst kind of dad other than absent, abusive, alcoholic, and other things that start with ‘a’.
The clock strikes midnight and the ten-second countdown begins. Shit, Riddler’s got to get out of there. Shit, Batman shows up. Shit, not enough time. Shit shit fuck.
Batman kicks Riddler in the chest, but Riddler feels nothing. Then Riddler punches Batman in the face with a giant SWOK, which throws Batman totally off guard, bro! For sure! Riddler is fighting like a champ and there are only about four seconds left before Clock Tower Go Boom. Batman won’t stop talking about how strong Riddler is all of a sudden. It’s like he has a crush on him.
“Out of my way, you moron!” Riddler yells, headbutting Batman’s face and running off the tower. “He’s getting away!” Batman thinks astutely. After about two pages of intense panel action, Batman is able to destroy the detonator before the last BONG happens. Whew, that was close! Hey, what are these darts on the floor…? “The Riddler was drugged,” he says, jealous.
Batman brings the drug back to his Batcave and analyzes it. Yep! Venom! That shit will eat holes in your brain, and then patch up those holes and make you a giant unstoppable machine.
Bruce is interrupted by a call from Dr. Kinsolving. He reports that the sedatives did the job and good day to you, ma’am. Kinsolving calls him a good man and thanks him for paying off all her medical debt even though he doesn’t know what the FUCK she’s talking about. That’s Lucius Fox territory. Bruce is just there to look pretty.
Wah, I’m tired! Wah!
Anyway. Bruce buries his head into his desk. He’s facing two men pumped full of Venom. He, himself, has sedatives. Outmatched. Wits will win this fight! *brings out book of crossword puzzles*
Suddenly, Bruce’s computer gets wiped out. Simultaneously, the whole WayneTech computer system gets wiped out! A riddle shows up on Bruce’s screen: “It rises only where it’s low. Side poison chaining bottom to top it will go.”
Gibberish! Pah! Doesn’t this guy ever get tired of riddling?! Riddling with computer viruses, on top of it? Gordon growls that it’ll take weeks to get the police database back online, which is funny because back in 1993 computers were just potatoes with lightbulbs stuck in them. Batman later talks to Gordon on the roof, and Batman’s like “this riddle is fuckin’ easy, numbnuts! Heh. Um…”
Elsewhere, Bane tells his cronies to solve the riddle quick because he overheard Batman say it was easy. Do it now, because if you fail you can kiss your ass goodbye (if you’re double-jointed, of course). So his dumbshit lackeys spin their gears trying to solve the riddle: side poison = poison side = Poseidon. Something about water. Well, that was pretty fast! Faster than me, and I got my bachelor’s in riddle-solving (aka Art History or idk something equally as useless).
Under a pier, Riddler is attaching a bag of hyper-toxins that will be carried out to sea at high tide. That’ll kill all the fish, ruining Gotham’s fish-related industries forever! Muahahaha! Also, all the animals that eat the fish, and also all the animals that the people eat besides the fish. Everyone’s going to die horribly, and that’s helpful for Riddler’s agenda because… (?)
Long before Batman can what? Long before Batman can what? I’m tired of your riddles, Riddler!
Batman SWAKs Riddler in the face while Riddler asks politely why Batman keeps showing up to thwart his plans even though he leaves riddles as clues for people like Batman to thwart his plans. “But I already told you… I can’t be hurt now!” he shrieks, getting hurt. Batman doesn’t stop punching him until he’s on the shore, and then he punches him some more. But then Riddler FRAKTs Batman’s face as the water inches ever closer to the bag o’ poison. For the second time in half an issue, a fight is fraught with suspense and high stakes!
Batman punches Riddler’s smiling mug. It’s like punching a brick wall made of poop.
Bane’s cronies show up all “dawww, da bat beat us ‘ere” and, from the pier, start gunning down the gruesome twosome before running away. Batman catches a couple of bullets through the cape while Riddler gets shot in all sorts of places where vital organs hang out! Batman is like “NOOOOO!” and pulls him out of the water, basically crying and kissing him. He then grabs the bag from the side of the pier and dunks his balls in it. Then he calls for an ambulance. For the Riddler, not for his balls.
Bane congratulates his mooks on a job sorta done well enough I guess. “But this Riddler was still too easy. We need to test [Batman] — wear him down again – with more formidable forces. We need Frenzy. We need naked madness itself.
Mullet Head is already a step ahead! He’s got blueprints of the asylum. Time to bust a nutcase outta the joint!
Final Thoughts
Action-packed! This Riddler guy is no good, I liked him better when he was pet detecting and/or Grinching.
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