Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #294

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #294!

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #294 [July, 1980]

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 294

”My Stars”

Mr. Weatherbee is running late for his invasive colonoscopy. “Egad!” he shrieks, racing down the hallway of the school. “Look at the time!”

Right in front of Weatherbee is Archie bent over tying his shoe like he’s Principal Skinner about to get hit with the giant tomato. Weatherbee accidentally plows his crotch right into Archie’s tender buttocks and trips over the kid ass over elbows. “Oh, golly! Mr. Weatherbee!” Archie exclaims, liking it a little bit I surmise. Archie thought it was his fault. Weatherbee concedes that it was actually his fault.

Betty disagrees with both of them. She closes her eyes smugly: “Nobody was to blame for that, Archie! It had to be! It was written! Fate! Kismet!”

Predeterminism! Archie’s gonna get philosophical and heady today! Finally, Archie’s going to be a little more highbrow for some of the more sophisticated readers. *spills economy-sized bag of Cheetos all over my couch*

Mr. Weatherbee is a Scorpio. Betty knows all the teachers’ birthdays, I see. Because the old fat guy is a Scorpio, he was predestined to trip over a redheaded spaz and knock out all his remaining teeth. “All things are governed by the stars!” Betty argues. I’m going to hate this story already.

“You’re talking astrology?” Archie asks, a little bit slow on the uptake. Yes, astrology! Pseudoscience! I’m pretty sure Penn & Teller spent an episode flailing and flopping around about the very topic!

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 294

Look, miss, Archie’s too drunk to handle this right now, m’kay?

Archie agrees with Penn & Teller! This is bullpoop! Betty is steadfast in her astrological beliefs. She hands Archie the paper and tells Archie to read Weatherbee’s entire horoscope! Everything about the broken-down car and the penis bees, it will all be true! Just you wait.

Even Mr. Weatherbee laughs at the notion! “Look for an overseas trip today,” reads Archie incredulously. “Do not fear! You will survive!”

Well, this is bad news indeed for longtime Archie Comics readers who really want to see Weatherbee die in a fiery airplane crash. However, Weatherbee somehow understands this to mean that he drives over the Willets Street Bridge every morning on his way to work! Guffaw guffaw, but that’s silliness! Hyuck hyuck!

Instead of going to class, Weatherbee has Archie come to his office and read more of his horoscope (since Mr. Weatherbee forgot how to read during the Great Amensia Battle of 1974). “Look for an unexpected financial windfall,” Archie reads just before a young woman raps on Weatherbee’s door to deliver a check for $75. “Ulp!” says Archie. Quite ulpily.

Weatherbee is thoroughly spooked out of his Trump-lookin’ suit now. “Let me see that paper!” he bellows. “A step in the right direction will save you much pain,” he reads moments before someone throws a fucking baseball through his (unfortunately) open window. “Yipe!” says Archie. Quite yipily.

We’ve got some True Believers on our hands now, boy howdy. Weatherbee picks up the phone immediately to enroll in some Astrology 101 course for $50. Archie approaches Betty to say it was true! All true! All horrifyingly, sickeningly true!

“I didn’t realize that was yesterday’s paper!” says Betty, clutching the newest rag in her hands. “Today’s horoscope is completely different!”

“Yipe!” says Archie.

*live studio audience gets murdered*

”Revenge Is Sweet”

Archie and Jughead see a real asshole walking on the other side of the street. It’s Jerry Hatchew, and he looks like if Reggie subsisted entirely on his own farts for the last 14 years.

“That rotten little kid from grammar school!” huffs Jughead.

“That’s the guy!” gripes Archie. “He was always pulling dumb kid tricks on us!”

“I hated that creep!” Jughead adds. Jughead looks fantastic in his stylish suspenders, by the way. “He used to pin childish signs on our backs!”

“Right! ‘Kick me hard!’ Infantile humor!” Archie cries. Yeah, that’s so awful. I would’ve made even better signs like “Serial rapist” or “Make fun of my dead mother”. Hatchew ain’t got nothing on me!

Well, sir, Jughead and Archie are ready to exact their revenge today! They crouch behind a bush waiting to ambush their target. As they commisseate, you can see Jerry Hatchew perk his ears up with impish glee. Archie and Jughead are going to get fucked all over again.

A plan has been hatched!

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 294

Hyuk!

Jughead makes his presence known, introduces himself as Mr. Jughead T. K. O. Jones. “Still wearing that crazy hat, eh Jughead?” Hatchew cackles. Well, Jughead walked right into that one, honestly. It is a stupid hat, after all.

“Makes me stand out in a crowd! Know what I mean?” Jughead responds haughtily. Archie wiggles his little ass as he crawls behind Hatchew, ready for the scheme to reach completion! Jughead brings up all those HILARIOUS gags that Hatchew used to play on him and Archie. Very funny stuff, butthole! Well, two can play it this game, and furthermore, w–

“Say, is that a dime on the ground?” Hatchew bends down just as Jughead moves forward to push! Jughead falls right on Archie! Hatchew gets to laugh at the two wieners! Couple’a suckers! Haw haw!

Archie and Jughead fume as they both get mocked for the next three panels. He then slaps a “Kick Me Hard” sign on both their backs. A very large crowd gathers around them. Both succumb to blunt force injuries and painful anal insertions. We all get the last laugh.

”Happy Times”

“Eeyahoo!” Archie says, leaping in the air. Someone wrote that, ladies and gentlemen. Someone wrote “eeyahoo”. “It’s one of those days! I feel like a million dollars!”

Aha, Archie got laid last night! Who was the lucky lady? Betty? Veronica? The chick from Succession, you know, Shiv? “Life is grrreat!” He fist pumps the air while drawing the ire of the Kellogg company lawyers.

Archie catches up with Dilton on the sidewalk, who wants to know what kind of fucking uppers this kid is on right now.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 294

This noose I made doesn’t even fit right!

Depressed Dilton wants to know what Archie could possibly be so happy about. Uhm, didn’t you hear, Dilton? The chick from Succession. “The bottom of the barrel!” Dilton says of life. “A bad joke, played on us by the powers that be! In short – it stinks!” He walks away to stick his head in the oven. Archie’s bubble has been burst.

Archie catches Jughead on the sidewalk too and starts bitching about how Dilton ruined his steez. “Dilton, huh?” is all Jughead has to say. Well, if Dilton thinks life stinks, and Dilton is smart, then Jughead’s gonna agree with him! Fuck life. He walks away to go fill his pockets full of rocks. Archie’s getting upset!

Archie catches Betty and Veronica on the sidewalk and starts bitching about Jughead ruined his steez. All Jughead needs to do is fuck a juicy hamburger, though, and he’ll be right back on track? What kind of food is Archie supposed to fuck, huh? Who’s thinking about poor Archie?

Anyway, Veronica asks why Archie’s in such a good mood anyway. Betty calls life a drag, son. “Jeepers!” pouts Archie. Everyone around here needs one of those seasonal affective disorder lamps.

Dilton, Jughead, Betty, and Veronica meet up to ask each other where Archie went. “I want to thank him for cheering me up!” Dilton jubilates. Jughead agrees, because he doesn’t have his own opinions about shit, apparently. Betty couldn’t be happier! Veronica wants to throw a party in honor of life! And Archie will be the guest of honor!

Everyone has fun!

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 294

200-proof punch just ain’t strong enough, eh Arch?

”Second Site”

Betty is excited! She runs out of the Riverdale Public Library with so much gusto that she almost trips over a rock and slams her knee right down on Archie’s jugular vein. “Do you know who was born right here in the little ol’ town of Riverdale?” she asks Archie and a dude named Chuck who showed up for the first time in this very panel, never to be seen again after this mundane story.

“Besides us?” Archie asks. The laughter from the studio audience causes earthquakes in Malaysia.

“Dan Deerskin! The famous trailblazing pioneer!” Betty grins as if this mattered to anyone, even her. Sounds like a Ted Nugent-type that pooped his pants to get out of the army. “I found it in a reference book! 15 Chester Street!” Betty says. Now Chuck, this Chuck guy, he’s black so he obviously knows where all the slums are. “That’s in a real slum area!” he says.

Archie is already angry at the injustice! Dan Deerskin’s childhood home in a slum! Give me a pipe bomb, I’ll show that slum who’s a slum! Indignity! “How do we go about it?” Betty asks when Archie suggests having the slumlord government restore the slum. Grassroots campaign, that’s how Betty Ol’ Boy! “Let’s go see the mayor!” Archie starts running in a direction, that’s for sure.

Jesus, kids. Go home and play video games or something. What’s cool in 1980? Do they have Space Invaders yet?

Mayor Larry David will not stand for this! He wants the Mayor on the phone, someone’s going to fix this mess! Oh wait! OK, well, here’s what he wants to do: get signatures for a petition! Haha! What?? A petition?? Fuck you, sir. Do something real!

“We knew we could count on you, Mr. Mayor!” says Archie Kissass Andrews. Pretty soon the mayor gifts him with copies of the petition and a task to gather, and I quote, “thousands of signatures”. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Who is Dan Deerskin, some porn actor?

Instead of studying or doing homework, Betty, Archie, and Chuck all spend hours gathering signatures at various malls, motels, rest areas, gloryholes, and biker conventions.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 294

“That famous man” likes the cockroaches, Junior! He was a cockroach farmer!

Putting on his finest black-and-yellow plaid sweater vest, Archie visits the mayor to see how shit’s goin’. “We’re really putting the pressure on Washington!” Mr. Mayor proclaims as if Denzel had any interest in this whatsoever. Any day now, the federal government will come in! Any day now! Any day now!

Soon, “a man” shows up from Washington D.C. and it could be any man, honestly. It could be a fuckin’ plumber. The kids get to go in the Washington D.C. plumber man’s private car and talk Americanisms with him. They ride to Chester Street where they find a bum stinkin’ up the place something foul and awful. He informs the “man from Washington”, as well as the kids, that Deerskin’s digs burned down in like 1942.

Good thing that someone thought to check! Jesus christ, people.

Final Thoughts

Here’s a final thought: Someone should grab Archie by the ears and punt his head to Alabama. Fuck that kid.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 40: “A Hero in the Night”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Mat’s on his ship heading toward Caemlyn via Aringill. He had pried open Elayne’s letter by taking a hot knife to the seal and found nothing interesting written down. Just a bunch of shit about “I’m learning a lot in Tar Valon” and “I miss Caemlyn” and “I’m going on an adventure!” It’s crazy, though, because he thought the letter was exactly why people were trying to kill him. He thought there was something particularly saucy, but no dice. Get it? Mat? Dice? lol!

Aringill is bustling with activity. The streets are crowded. Thom has a feeling that they’re not going to have an easy time finding a room for the night, and that’s exactly what happens. All the inns are packed to the gills. People are hungry; Queen Morgase isn’t sending food to her Andoran people. She was, but now there’s an order that no one is allowed to cross the river anymore to deliver the goods. Thom doesn’t think this sounds right. Queen Morgase is a cunt, but not that much of a cunt.

At one inn, Mat gambles for a space in the stables and wins. While resting in the stable, a woman shows up with a cart. Her nice dress is ruined with rips and stains. She lights a lantern — a little too fast, Mat decides — and a group of men enter the stable behind her. The woman didn’t run and hide well enough! Her name is Aludra. One man is named Tammuz, and I’m pretty sure I first encountered these people in The Great Hunt while Rand and Company were infiltrating the King’s manor in Cairhien.

Tammuz got Aludra thrown out of the Guild! Tammuz says Aludra was trying to sell the Guild’s secrets! He intends to kill her, but Mat swings down from a rope and tackles the men to the floor. Saving the day! After the men scatter, Mat asks Aludra what kind of secrets she’s trying to sell. Aludra is a fireworks lady! An Illuminator! And she ruined a performance for the King in Cairhien, and she is deemed responsible for his death. A serious accusation, to say the least! Anyway, she’s making fireworks to sell to eat and sleep everyday while running away from folks like Tammuz.

She unrolls a pile of fireworks from oiled cloth, and Mat is like “wow”. Mat offers Aludra a pile of coins for her trip to Lugard, but she finds this amusing and declines. Thom asks Aludra how she lit her lantern so quickly, and she refuses to give away her secret.

She leaves, and so do Thom and Mat. I HAVE A FEELING WE HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ALUDRA! Nor the other 500 characters that have been introduced in this book.


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Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Thunder”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Red Shadow storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Thunder”! In the previous installment, Red Skull takes his big Charles Xavier brain and hypnotizes Manhattan into turning against mutants, like, immediately. Like, right where he was standing. A massacre of mutants at the hands of humans.

The Avengers tried to show up to stop it, but they fucked it all up completely, as they do. In short, Wolverine suffered a killing blow to the head by an addled Thor, and by “killing blow” I mean “even Wolverine shouldn’t fucking survive it”, but he will.

Destruction in his wake, Red Skull is like “ha ha ha.”

And continue on we do.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [April, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender
“Thunder”

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4

“Minutes ago, the Summers family was returning home from a vacation in Anchorage, Alaska. Now Christopher Summers fights back tears as he straps his eldest son Scott into the only intact parachute. It doesn’t go unnoticed by younger brother Alex.”

First of all, Anchorage? Really? That was your vacation? You deserve to die in a fiery plane crash then, Summers Family. Second of all, fuck Scott Summers. If I were his father I would’ve been like “so long, son!” and leapt out of the plane with the only parachute. Alex is just collateral damage.

Scott is like, 10, and he’s able to jump out of plane, hold onto Alex for dear life, and deploy his parachute without multiple casualties. Two seconds after he jumps out of the plane, it explodes in 7 trillion bits of fiery shrapnel.

Havok, in the present day, lies down on the concrete looking half-dead. He has a concussion from all the buttfucking he’s been receiving at the hands of Red Skull and his various manipulations. His eyes refocus to a scene of Scarlet Witch fighting Thor in a torrent of purple energy.

“Damn you, Thor! We’re running out of time,” Scarlet Witch says. “Every passing moment more innocents are harmed!”

“WE WILL CLEANSE THE WORLD OF YOUR PUSTULOUS LEGION!” Thor responds. The Witchy Woman warns Thor to knock it off before she sends a hex down his throat that will shred up his internal organs from his esophagus to his tender testicles. Thor doesn’t let up. He blasts her with HAMMER ENERGY! Lightning! Lightning which can be instantly transmogrified by Scarlet Witch, ha ha ha! “I WITHSTAND YOUR WORST!” she cries.

Thor threatens Scarlet Witch with a blow to the head. Scarlet Witch responds by throwing a fucking truck at his face.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Hey, this isn’t the way to San Antonio!

Thor gets up like a few drops a rain plopped on his head. He’s about ready to smash her face into a kumquat when Havok rises to the occasion! He KKAAZAKTs Thor with a mighty stream of whatever the hell Havok does. It looks like the kind of sound waves that Aquaman uses to talk to dolphins. That’s something he does, right? I’m not going to read any Aquaman comics anytime soon, so let me just pretend I know what I’m talking about and we can move on.

Red Skull’s Nazi sidekicks yell to the crowd about the dangers of mutants and how regular folk aren’t safe in their own homes. Captain America bonks him in the head with his shield, and now turns to Red Skull himself.

“WELCOME TO THE REICH ETERNAL, HERR ROGERS!” greets Red Skull. “Rejoice, broken spirit! I bring you a better world. A global Reich built on art and intellectual pursuit. Orderly, safe and clean.” He stands in front of a couple of unstylish Nazi flags. He continues saying some rather alarming things about America, like how the melting pot has failed miserably, and how white people are the best race this side of the Mississippi. You know, the kind of stuff that Congress projects openly on a daily basis lately. Captain America refuses to fall into the spell.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4

This is why you will always be a hopeless idiot in my eyes, Cap.

Suddenly, Captain America thumps face first on the cement hilariously. Red Skull has corrupted his cerebellum and now he can’t even do his two favorite pastimes: standing and drooling. He mocks Cap’s naivety about America’s “bright future” without him. Well, you’re in luck, pal! Not only will Red Skull brighten the future of the country, but Cap himself is going to be the figurehead of the movement! Doesn’t that sound lovely, son? When people see you smacking mutants around with your shield, the common man will start smacking mutants around with his shield! It will be glorious!

And this guy keeps talking. Keeps on fucking talking. Stripping mutants of their rights (voting, marriage; rights reserved for humans only). Then they will be killed by either gas chambers or by flinging poisoned hot dogs into their mouths, whichever is more cost-effective.

Havok and Scarlet Witch are continuing to fight Thor unsuccessfully. The guy just won’t die! Scarlet Witch brings out the big guns: slowing down time to a crawl and focusing upon a well of chaos energy within her. “She spasms – Tapping directly into the source of her power, she is transformed into a living conduit of pure disorder. An overindulgence so dangerous it could easily unhinge her mind. It is her only hope. She knows there is no defeating Thor in direct conflict… there is only removing him from battle.”

From my point of view, it looks like she opens a portal to another dimension and blasts him through it. I sure hope so, that Thor guy is boring and is really stinking up the place.

Red Skull continues to groom Captain America into a life of far-right tomfooleries. He talks a lot, almost as if this issue needed to be padded out because Rick Remender only wrote 40 words in the first draft.

“But in reality, this is, and will remain, your America. An uneducated population fixated on competition, material wealth, and voyeurism. Violent monsters doused in antibiotics to offset their diet of sugary sweet drinks and mounds of carcinogenic cow flesh. THIS IS WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR! Together we will clean this nation! Transform it to one more befitting both of our high ideals.”

Cap slobbers all over his costume and hazily goes “No… I’ll never…”

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4

I’ll do whatever you say! Just stop pointing that thing at me!

This is the part where Rogue shows up to fuck some shit up again. She was able to suddenly turn off Red Skull’s Xavier-brained telepathy powers and motions to “crush his skull with her bare hands”. Then Red Skull, always with the gambit, pulls out a gun. “Stupid girl. I, of course, have other weapons.”

He shoots Rogue through the chest with some sort of red hot laser blast. Havok is too late in pushing Red Skull out of the way with his sonar rings, or whatever. I’m still unsure what Havok actually does besides jerk off. Maybe I’ll never know.

The narration calls Rogue’s injury “non-fatal” which is ridiculous considering there’s a three-inch hole in her chest now. Havok starts punching the snot out of Red Skull. “You’re like a closeted jock who beats on gay kids!” he says, which is only ¼ true. “You don’t hate mutants, you are terrified because you want to be just like us!”

Scott should have dropped Alex after jumping out of the plane.

When Rogue was shot, Red Skull gained back his brainy brain powers. Now Havok is punching the daylights out of her instead of his intended target! Then Cap hits Red Skull with his shield really hard, man. Cap is about to finish him when the waterly lady… *checks notes* …Dancing Water reaches out of a waterly portal on the ground and pulls Red Skull through it. Cap beats the ground with his fist. “No! NO!”

Red Skull’s spell is broken on everyone present. The citizens of New York are now like “what hath we wrought” and Thor looks sheepish to say the most. They all observe the carnage; the literally blood on their hands. They all look at each other like “well, shit.”

Thor picks up a badly-beaten Wolverine. Not dead, but sort of dead. The civilians look very unhappy, and Havok reminds these people that they were under Red Skull’s spell. This is no one’s fault but his! And maybe a little bit of Thor’s as well. That bitch is supposed to be a god.

“None of this is your fault… but what happens next is!”

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4

…then wallow in pitiful sadness in your homes while watching Dancing with the Stars and eating Cheetos. See if I care.

Havok and Captain America return to Avengers HQ where they correctly report that the bad guys have escaped. Havok tells Cap that, whew, being in charge is tough. Why don’t you do it instead please? Cap tells him absolutely fucking not. Havok is like “just kidding” and tells him that he’ll try not to let him down.

Scarlet Witch visits Rogue in the hospital. She doesn’t want her there, but she’s there anyway. She wants to tell Rogue that she doesn’t have to worry about her putting on the hurty hurty. Even with Red Skull’s influence, she wasn’t moved to destroy her people. So lighten up! Have a cookie! It’s all gonna be all right!

She asks Rogue to be friends. Rogue declines. “I don’t care what you say – I still think you’re a dangerous mess.”

Thor and Wolverine are having a cozy evening in, presumably, Wolverine’s studio apartment. Thor throws him a newspaper with a front page headline “XAVIER GONE, DREAM STILL ALIVE – Mutants and humans work together; stop Red Skull from murder spree.”

“You did not fail him,” Thor says, putting his hand on Wolverine’s shoulder. “He knew you would get it right. Knew you would double the fight without him. Only this time… you will not be fighting alone.”

THREE MONTHS FROM NOW, something I don’t understand at all happens! Havok, Scarlet Witch, and a flame dude who I think might be Sunfire but also who the fuck cares, traverse the mean streets and descend a manhole. They’re running away from something. They find a skeleton wearing kingly armor hunched against the tunnel. “Immortus must have arrived centuries ago, before the Apocalypse Twins locked the era as prime. He left a message. Cable was right – that was it. The moment the anomaly began. The moment the seven became one.”

“Yes, indeed a historic time… the day Onslaught began.”

We see Red Skull in some sort of Transformers suit. Standing in front of him is a man in a suit with glowing green eyes.

Did you understand all that? Me neither.

Final Thoughts

They always fucking do this. The penultimate issue in a storyline always half-wraps things up and then introduces some crazy fucking unrelated nonsense! I will not stand for it!

…I’ll just sit for it. It’s more comfortable that way.


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July 21, 2015 – Les Schwab Amphitheater, Bend, OR

Note: I do not have any download links to any shows. Don’t be a dingus. Refer to the Phish Spreadsheet for that.

July 21, 2015 – Les Schwab Amphitheater, Bend, OR

Set One

Sample in a Jar — 7:06
I always get the name of this song confused with Frank Zappa’s “Sleeping in a Jar”, and for a good reason: they have very similar names! The only difference is that “Sleeping in a Jar” is about your parents sleeping in a jar (the jar is under the bed), and “Sample in a Jar” is about cum. Probably.

Good way to start the show though! Let’s get people sleepy! Great idea, guys.

Sand — 9:59
Ah yes, the Trey Anastasio Band staple sees light on the first show of the 2015 summer tour! Its foundation lies on its slow disco vamp while Trey, I don’t know, sings about sand or some shit.

Clearly I’ve done my research on “Sand”.

555 — 6:24
The funk-laden Mike Gordon vehicle is named as such because it’s the number of women that Mike Gordon fucked on Halloween, 2013, when the song debuted! Of course, the number has grown exponentially larger for every Halloween that has passed since because, and let me tell you, Mike Gordon fucks.

Rift — 6:50
“Rift” is like “Scent of a Mule” in that they have a similar bluegrass sensibility that’s not entirely my bag, so it’s a bit of a guilty pleasure to hear those bending vocals and that ratatatat drum cadence. I feel like once you’ve heard one “Rift”, you’ve heard them all, so look forward to me saying this identical paragraph every single time I listen to the song!

Halfway to the Moon — 7:39
Page is singing a lot already so far! “Sample in a Jar”, part of “Rift”, and now “Halfway to the Moon”? Who let this guy on the microphone for serious? Jesus Hieronymus Bosch, dude. Get that guy back on the piano!

This song always has a pleasant, non-offensive, minor-key mood piece of a jam that is more CEREBRAL than FOR THE SOUL. It makes me want to travel to the moon until I get about halfway, then I turn back. It’s scary going all the way to the moon. That Buzz Aldrin had some cahones.

Horn — 3:45
For a long time I thought “Horn” was about a trumpet or something, not a car horn. This is my “Horn” Story of the Day™.

Devotion to a Dream — 8:44
I like this song. I was off of Phish for a few years before their Fuego album dropped in 2014 (which was fine all the same, those first few years of Phish 3.0 were rough anyway.) For some reason — maybe it was just the right time of my life — Fuego really blew my mind. Most the songs were just so… happy. And I liked it at the time.

“Devotion to a Dream” is my favorite song off of Fuego, and it’s this reason, of course, that the song has only been played 20 times and not once since 2016. Fuck my luck. Nobody likes this song but me! I get it. No, I get it. Fine. I’ll just enjoy it on my own, then.

Blaze On — 8:46
The debut! This song is about smoking blunts, which is rude, but at least it’s not like how Trey writes lyrics lately like “THE EARTH IS BEAUTIFUL, FOLLOW YOUR SOUL AND YOUR DREAMS AND FOLLOW THE TEACHINGS OF JESUS, LIFE IS WONDERFUL AND LOVE EVERY MINUTE, LET’S DANCE IN THE MEADOWS AND KISS IN THE MOONLIGHT.”

Instant crowd pleaser, though, “Blaze On” is! The audience sure likes their recreation hoodoo drugs!

Tube — 4:03
Fish wrote the lyrics to “Tube”, which means you get great gems like “There’s a mummy in the cabinet” and “Ten cents to a dollar now for a shelf of pregnant hens” and “Robert Palmer is a plorb.” Blaze on before listening to “Tube”, friends. That’s for sure.

Wolfman’s Brother — 9:33
I just looked up Wolfman Jack, and did you know he was the youngest of two children? No foolin’! Although it’s impossible to learn through a very cursory, low effort internet search whether or not his older sibling was indeed a brother, one thing is for certain: Wolfman’s brother went down on Trey. Now that’s love.

Anyway, the Wolfman jam is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SPECIAL! Type I jamming with no special out-there shit happening from anybody! Boo! End Set One!

Set Two

Ghost — 12:58
Get down with your funky ghost. Always fun, but this version never really goes anywhere. SURE, Page’s piano playing is top-notch. SURE, Mike’s bass playing is top-notch. SURE, Trey is a guy in the band. What of it? There’s no SOUL in this! A by-the-book “Ghost”! Boo! Heh heh.

Birds of a Feather — 6:24
The ripcord is pulled right into the most middling “Birds of a Feather” I’ve ever heard in my dang life, holy shit dude. Nuts to this!

Mike’s Song — 8:15
Yo, I heard that Mike has a song! It’s cool, he sings in it and then when the jam starts you can barely even hear his bass! But that’s ok, because this band is all about Trey, and Trey does a good job winding his way through Mike’s song called “Mike’s Song”. No one else gets a song! Maybe Mike whined loud enough until he got a song. He seems like the type.

The Wedge — 7:56
Weird placement for this. This is a Set One song through and through and it DEFINITELY doesn’t belong after “Mike’s Song”. This is the kind of fucked up bullshit that makes the first few shows of the legendary 2015 tour a steaming load of someone else’s turds.

I like “The Wedge” though! Good song, I’m happy they played it, but man was this sloppy. Stupid early 2015 jitters, I suppose.

Fuego — 11:08
After a couple of monster versions in 2014, I was hoping “Fuego” would be the sprawling jam vehicle that it seemed destined to become. But, alas, each “Fuego” seems to run through the motions. So, I guess a good “Fuego” comes down to its tightness, and this is as tight as yo mama’s pussy. In that it’s not tight, son. Sorry that I got you excited about yo mama’s pussy there for a hot minute.

Shade — 6:38
The antithesis of “Light” is “Shade”, at least in the Phish song catalogue. As in, Trey only likes the shade when you’re blocking the light. At any rate, this song is a complete snooze and you can tell the crowd got up to use the disease-ridden port-o-johns during this botched abortion of a song. There’s no room for extended jamming, there’s no room for anything tasteful. “Shade” blows.

Of course, it’s still in the rotation. How’s that for karma? I did something rancid in a past life.

No Men in No Man’s Land — 10:08
The last debut of the evening will become a comfortable mainstay for years to come. And for a good reason! It’s white-boy funky with some nonsense Trey lyrics about a no man’s land and how there are no men in it.

There is also about six minutes and thirty seconds of funky “Ghost”-like jamming, so it’s weird to have “Ghost” earlier in the same set. But I can dig it.

Weekapaug Groove — 7:40
This is kind of a fake-out “Weekapaug Groove” at first, so much so that Mike accidentally tries to continue the “No Men in No Man’s Land” chorus when the rest of the band has clearly moved on. Once it becomes recognizable, then the band is all in! And thank God for that, because a Phish that’s not all in is a friend indeed! That’s how that saying goes!

A real low energy bullshit Weekapaug Groove is what this is. I waited through four cuts after “Mike’s Song” for this? Suck my entire dick.

Boogie On Reggae Woman — 6:10
What? You think I have something to say about a middle-of-the-road “Boogie” when there is only one song and then an encore left? You’ve got another think coming, missy!

Chalk Dust Torture — 7:47
What’s with all these sort-of-but-not-really-energetic numbers here closing on the show? What happened to the days of yore when Trey wasn’t 94 years old and he was able to keep up with the tempo. Now he’s all like “blraabra hhrahbalbab” about it. I’m bored and I’m getting a sandwich.

Encore

Theme from the Bottom — 9:16
Hey, that sandwich was pretty damn good! See you next time!


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 39: “Threads in the Pattern”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

After Nynaeve’s Healing goes off without a hitch, Aviendha says she owes her a Coke. Better than a Coke, Nynaeve asks for a ship in Jurene. That is, uh, is there one? And yes, as of yesterday! So hop to it!

The Aielwomen are on their way to Tear to seek “He Who Comes with the Dawn” (Rand, duh) because he will get them out of the Aiel Waste once and for all. It’s in the prophecies, you see. Also, he’s a sexy piece of ass and they’re looking to get their lady-dicks wet! I’m half joking.

The go their separate ways, the Aiels and the Aes Sedaiseses. Egwene starts to wonder if Rand’s mother was a Maiden of the Spear. It makes sense, right? Maidens and the spears and the like. The ladies don’t get very far before they’re ambushed by rock-in-sling-wielding psychopaths. Egwene gets knocked out and wakes up tied to a horse. She gets very worried, having been a damane in a past life and is not too keen on being a prisoner to anyone anymore again. She has too much of a headache to channel, so she’s stuck bound to this horse like a real sad-sack. A man notices that she’s awake and she gets hit in the head again! Such is life.

Egwene wakes up in a makeshift cell, sorta, with Nynaeve and Elayne. Outside the “cell” a man named Adden and his merry band of outlaws muses over selling Aes Sedai “to the right buyer”. After confirming that the girls have been doped up enough to not wake for several hours, days, maybe even years, the men go about their business. Egwene, not doped up enough, jostles Nynaeve awake. They notice Elayne’s skull looks fractured, and Nynaeve starts crying that the men stole her herbs. She gets super angry about this, grabs Elayne and cures her. Hooray.

Now that everyone is cool and good, the three lasses channel their saidar energies and brace themselves. Peeking through the cracks in their cell, they notice three Fades with the men. They are the right buyers, all right! Time to procure some lovely Aes Sedai! Adden will be rewarded with Fade blowjobs and, if he’s lucky, a nice steak afterwards.

Egwene attempts to pick the lock with saidar, which catches the Fades’ attention. When the locks falls to the floor, the door leading outside crashes open with a horde of Aiel. Fighting ensues, Adden and his men are killed and/or wounded, and the Fades are surrounded by five Aielmen. The three women break through their own door and channel the SHIT out of saidar, killing the Fades with fire and whatnot. Nynaeve hits them with some incredible energy and they completely vanish into thin air. Egwene thinks it was balefire. Bye bye Myrddraal.

The Aiel (including Aviendha, as it turns out) and the Aes Sedai exchange friendly pleasantries and they all spend the night together in the camp. The next morning, the Aes Sedai take a few horses and ride toward Jurene while the Aiel follow (and keep up) on foot. They make it to Jurene, the two factions part ways, and the women secure a ship to Tear. Enjoy the trip, ladies, it will make you TEAR up! Ha!

This chapter was super fucking long and I did my very best to summarize. It didn’t work very well, this shit is nearly 600 words! That’s more words than you’ve written in a lifetime!


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