Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #658 – “Deciphered”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, Jean-Paul Garth Algar Azrael talks Robin into busting some heads at “Party On” Wayne Plaza because he’s bored at his security job where he spends all day keeping an eye on a stack of boxes and making sure it doesn’t fall down. Azrael almost kills a dude with a chainsaw, which alarms Robin, which in turn alarms Azrael. But we’ll work on him! He’s not really a killer! *snicker*

Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne is a wuss and can’t handle the stress of being Batman right now. Alfred tucked him into bed all cozy and put some The Young and the Restless on his TV. He also feeds him oatmeal.

What else is going on? Oh yeah, Lucius Fox is going to get murdered but I’m rooting for that, actually. Sounds like it’s really going to kick this story in the right direction!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #658 [April, 1993]
Written by: Chuck Dixon
“Deciphered”

Fifteen minutes ago they were twenty minutes away from Pierside. This is actually a very good plot setup device. I like it when certain amount of minutes ago something will happen a certain amount of minutes from then.

“He’ll be there, Robin. He’ll be there and he’ll still be alive. I know Lucius Fox. He’s stronger than that. He’ll still be alive when we reach him.”

And, as I’ve already said, if Lucius Fox is a pile of decomposing bones when they show up then I’m fine with it. Why, here’s the scamp now getting hypnotized by that bald jerk. He’s got Lucius talking to his dad, and he’s making Lucius jump off a bridge and into the water. “BUT I CAN’T, DAD! I CAN’T SWIM!” Lucius says, which is such a dadgum racist stereotype that I’m positively sitting here eating mayonnaise and not being able to dance or jump about it. “Make me proud of you, son,” Lucius is told while he grips a bar on the bridge for dear life.

Eighteen hours ago, which is twenty hours from thirty-eight hours ago, some federal agents bust into Harvey Bullock’s interrogation room and tell the fat fucker that a judge’s signature allows them to take his perp away for questioning. Bullock’s like “HE’S ALREADY GETTING QUESTIONED” but the agents are like “not by you anymore, fatty”.

And not just him. Everyone that Bullock booked. Sorry, Charlie. Maybe next time you should have just stayed home and eaten Pringles.

Sixteen hours ago, which is actually twenty-one hours ago in Greenwich Mean Time, the FBI is seizing all of the files at WayneTech. Writs, warrants, orders, and hall passes say they can, so don’t do nothing about it, Lucious Foxy. Lucius asks, sirs, what the meaning of this is! And he is told “tough titties”.

Lucius calls a guy named Roth who tells him that all these break-ins at WayneTech are linked to the “suicides”. Guess what? They were part of the other two companies working on the Echo Project. That means you’re next, sailor! *hangs up phone with enough force to break desk*

Certainly, sir. I shall “AIM” him in the “chat room” with my “screen name” after I add him to my “buddy list”.

Bruce Wayne tells Alfred to “put a message on Tim’s computer” (i.e. a sticky note on his Apple IIe monitor) that Batman and Robin will be going out tonight on a sexy date. “But you promised to concentrate on your business affairs for the next few days,” Alfred whines. Bruce’s eyes get dangerously fiery. “HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME, CUNT??”

No, that would have been insane! What he actually says is that this is WayneTech business. “If I handle it as Bruce Wayne, we’ll be going to Lucius Fox’s funeral,” he mansplains. “Your concern is touching, Alfred. But it’s beginning to smack of mothering.”

“WELL, SOMEONE HAS TO MOTHER YOU AFTER YOUR REAL MOTHER WAS SHOT TO DEATH!!”

No, that would have been insane! What he actually says is nothing and goes back to frying up some delicious eggs.

Lucius is starting to panic and decides to lie down for a lunch nap. “Buzzing in my head… like a hornet’s nest…” he says… then he starts to hear sweet, sweet, beautiful music (Pantera).

Eight hours ago, which is fifty-six hours ago in dog hours, the hypnotist murderer gets his voice ready for his making-Lucius-Fox-jump-off-a-bridge debut. “I shall be at the peak of modulation and persuasiveness. After all, The Cypher has a reputation to uphold.”

THE CYPHER, you say! A fetching nickname! Is there a Mrs. Cypher? *tugs braid nervously*

Three hours ago, Batman and Robin drive by Azrael’s house to pick him up for a lovely dinner. “What can Azrael find out for us that you couldn’t find on your own?” Robin asks defiantly. After a couple of quick slaps on the tuchus, Batman politely tells the little wetnap that it would be suspicious of Bruce Wayne was nosing around the daily affairs of his own security force. “I wasn’t sure what role Azrael would play in the scheme of things, but he’s beginning to prove invaluable.

Once Azrael shows up, Batman briefs him on all sorts of boring shit I won’t repeat here. Basically, it’s LUCIUS IS GOING TO DIE BECAUSE THE OTHER GUYS IN CHARGE OF THE SUPER SECRET PROJECT ARE NOW DEAD. DID YOU SEE ANYONE UNUSUAL ON THE SECURITY TAPES? OH, A BALD MAN? LET’S GO GET HIM.

Looking good, Robin! I couldn’t have drawn you better myself!

Batman and Robin are going to go find Lucius while Azrael jerks off and plays Grand Theft Auto V. Also, break into Lucius Fox’s office clandestinely and see if you can find anything. This is really just a mission to get you out of our hair. You’re bothering us, kid, is what we’re saying.

Two hours ago, Lucius Fox is like “I’m going out” and his daughter is like “But dad, you promised to help me with my calculus homework” and Lucius is like “HAAAAARRRRBABLAHABAB RAAAWWWWRRRHABAHABAHAAB” and I’m barely exaggerating.

“But when will you be back, Lucius?” his wife asks. “It’s so late.”

“I’LL GET BACK WHEN I GET BACK. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!” *slams door*

Not at all suspicious if you ask me. His wife is like “he’s never yelled at me in my life, not even during Yell Sex”. She looks out the window at him, scared.

90 minutes ago (things are getting tense!), Batman calls Lucius’ wife and she says “he’s acting weird”. He also left the house and no one knows where he went. And Azrael hasn’t said anything in like ten hours so hopefully he didn’t die on the way to the office. Immediately after they wonder why Azrael hasn’t contacted them, Azrael contacts them. He found something! “I might even live to tell you about it,” he adds dramatically, then guys with guns show up to the office and Azrael almost doesn’t live to tell anyone about anything.

Time to call Jim Gordon to put out an APB on Lucius’ car (1970 AMC Gremlin).

60 minutes ago, I started getting bored! Also, the Cypher meets up with a fugued Lucius. “Listen to my voice. Listen to the music. We’ll talk about Echo Project and then we’ll talk about you.”

Cyper asks Lucius what he knows. He knows nothing, it’s all classified. “Tell me about yourself. Tell me about your childhood. You’re six years old. Tell me your greatest fear. Tell me your fondest wish.”

While things get cozy between Cypher and Lucius, Batman and Robin get cozy themselves. 45 minutes ago, Azrael gives them a tape of shitty muzak. “There has to be more to this,” Batman says, gritting his teeth. He sends the audio file to Alfred, who runs it through the Super Batcomputer Music Analyzer 4000. Even Alfred thinks the music sounds like garbage and he listens to a lot of Moby. The music appears to consist of three loud tracks and a quiet track that barely registers on the Batcomputer Decibel Counter. After throwing some switches, Alfred hears a whisper. Subliminal messages telling the listener to do what it says. Robin is starting to get entranced. “That voice… I could listen to it all night…”

Nope! They fast-forward and hear the command part of the recording, which tells the listener to meet Cypher at Pierside after midnight. Tell no one. Not even Batman. WAIT A MINUTE–

Who are you again, kid? Beat it.

Five minutes ago, which is kind of where we started I guess if you were paying any attention, which I wasn’t, Lucius is gripping the bars on the bridge. “Jump into the water, son. It’s the only way you’ll learn.”

“LUCIUS! DON’T JUMP!” yells a voice.

“Who?” says Lucius.

“Damn,” says Cypher.

The End!

Cypher tells Lucius that the voice is coming from a Bad Man and that he shouldn’t listen and also jump in the fucking river. Robin kicks the radio out of Cypher’s hand. Batman goes to rescue Lucius, but he jumps before he can be stopped. Lucius snaps out of it midair, and it looks like he’s about to die!… but then Azrael (who didn’t go home as instructed and now he’ll get a spanking) swoops onto the scene with rope that’s tied to nothing and saves the jumping dude.

“I thought I told you to go home,” Batman says, not understanding that Azrael going home would have sucked for everyone.

“I would have lain awake all night wondering how this ended,” Azrael says. “I only meant to watch. Honestly.”

Batman pumps his butt full of Whoop-Ass and then thanks him for not going home. Then they hear sirens in the distance and decide to split.

Lucius gets wheeled into an ambulance while Cypher is read his rights. When asked to respond, Cypher can’t talk because he was kicked in the throat. He grits his teeth as the issue ends abruptly.

Final Thoughts

HARROWING AND SUSPENSEFUL, RIGHT FOLKS?? I like the part where the artist drew Robin like a Rorschach test and I laughed and laughed!

What’s next in this Prelude to Knightfall? I’m at the edge of my very tiny seat!

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #657 – “Null and Void”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, Robin trains a guy named Jean-Paul Valley, “Azrael the Avenging Angel” to be a Good Guy instead of a Bad Guy. In the process, they bust a WayneCorp employee who has been selling copies of sensitive documents to biker gangs! So Robin and Azrael beat up every jerk in the building and save the day!

And where was Batman during all this? Unconscious on his Batcave steps, of course! Exhausted, fatigued, sleepy, burnt-out, he tries everything except go to bed! So he calls a doctor about a physical exam because he’d rather have a finger up his butt than a pillow against his head.

This reminds me of a personal anecdote: One day I w–

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #657 [March, 1993]
Written by: Chuck Dixon
“Null and Void”

Batman has been so tuckered out lately! Alfred has found him asleep in a chair still in his Batman costume. “This will not do at all, Master Bruce. That costume is not to be worn in the upstairs rooms.”

Do you think Bruce Wayne gives a shit? Bruce Wayne does not give a shit.

Alfred drags Bruce’s 900 pounds of pure muscle over to his cozy pink four-poster bed. The butler suggests that Bruce sleeps today. Bruce doesn’t wanna, he’s got so much to do with so little time to do it! Like beating up bad guys. And knitting a sweater.

If Bruce doesn’t go to bed this instant, Alfred threatens to let Tim Drake know that Bruce was cavorting around the upstairs in the Batman costume. Something that Bruce himself scolded Tim for not one or two issues ago! Plus, maybe he should hang up the Batman thing for a couple nights anyway. Wayne Enterprises’ stock is tanking and it’s because no one has actually seen Bruce Wayne out in daylight in roughly seventeen months.

“Do you hear the music?” says a man sticking his head out a high-rise window.

“I do! I do!” responds a man standing on a ledge ready to jump.

“And do you feel the wind through the trees?”

“I feel it!”

“And do you see your one true love waiting under the elm?”

“I see her! Yes! Yes!”

“WANDA!” he screams as he jumps and falls to his death. The man in the window takes out a pad and crosses a name off of his list of three names. The third name is “L. Fox” (the “L” stands for “Luxurious”!)

The next morning, Bruce meets up with Lucius who tells him that he looks like hell and smells like the worst of three butts. Bruce asks his fine feathered friend for something he can do – anything – that’ll take his mind off of his life. Lucius throws the man a hard hat; he’s got a project at WayneTech that he needs Bruce’s advise on. It’s an AI sex robot and he’s concerned that it’s not doing enough sex. Let’s go!

Garth from Wayne’s World reporting for duty! Party on, sir!

Jean-Paul WhatsHisNuts is continuing to be a Good Boy at WayneTech with the whole security officer thing. He asks for a task more challenging than reviewing security tapes, but there are no tasks more challenging than that. Things are pretty boring around here. There are paper football tournaments!

“What about the break-ins at Wayne Plaza?” asks Jean-Paul.

“You know about that?” Sal asks.

“Only what I read in the daily reports.”

“You actually read those things?”

“You are changing the subject, Sal.”

Brrrt! Good point. Uh, let’s see… no, you’re not ready for Wayne Plaza break-in duty, son. Stick to the shit work and keep your fool mouth shut. Speaking of shutting up, here comes your boss.

Bruce and Lucius approach the kid with wide smiles! Bruce shakes the nerd’s hand and asks how the new job is suiting him. Jean-Paul doesn’t complain, he’s nice as pie. Sal is taken aback by Bruce’s familiarity with the little snot-nose. Now it all stinks of nepotism. Stinks to high heaven, and the stench is not Sal this time. He remembered his deodorant today.

Lucius shows Bruce the Echo Project. “It involves digital imaging and high-resolution video,” Lucius says proudly showing him the most pixelated JPEG that has ever been made. Lucius doesn’t know what this will all be for. All he knows that it’s a component of a much larger project, of which he also doesn’t know anything about yet. But that stuff doesn’t matter right now! What Lucius needs right now is Bruce’s help getting contracts for other components of this mystery job with the mystery components that even the guy who’s spearheading the project doesn’t know anything about, apparently. Please don’t fire me, sir.

One guy in particular needs sweet-talkin’, and Bruce can sweet-talk his way out of an orgy that he himself started. Bruce accepts the task.

Don’t let me interrupt your calisthenics, Robin.

Elsewhere, Jean-Paul aka Azrael meets up with Robin for some more of that training that Robin is so bad at. Azrael tells him all about the Wayne Plaza break-ins, so he wants to scan for weak points in the alarm systems. Robin lambasts him for wanting to do Security’s job, asks him if he needs the overtime. Azrael tells Robin to cork it and come on. So they do, all right. They do a lot of coming on.

Azrael has a cool idea on how to get past the security cameras! He has a giant 80-pound camcorder with an even bigger satellite dish that he will use to record boring footage and then loop it into the security camera so that all it shows is the boring footage (a bunny eating a carrot, for example). “The security men watching will see what is going on the tape rather than what is going on live,” Azrael mansplains to his dummy companion. Robin thinks it’s a good idea, but someone already beat him to it. That means someone’s already inside. Which means cake and ice cream has been delayed.

That evening, Bruce meets up with their government contact, Roth, to schmooze with a dinner of duck and a pleasant smile. Roth tells them that the project is so secret that WayneTech isn’t getting every component of the job. The work has been separated into the three sections and a different company is working on each one: WayneTech, GE Aerospace, and Burger King. And the end components will be assembled at a military facility where all personnel will chomp on cyanide pills and shoot themselves in the dick upon completion. Bruce chuckles at the wryness of the project! Bravo, sir! I salute you!

Robin and Azrael infiltrate the plaza and beat up some hooded bad dudes who are trying to do something unclear. One of them has a chainsaw, which is very loud and it’s waking up all the babies. Sounds like Robin and Azrael should be killed handily. Let’s return to the action in just a moment.

Roth assures Bruce that he wishes WayneTech could have taken on the entire project, but his hands are tied. They can’t take any chances. How are they supposed to blow up the moon with a moon laser if WayneTech knows it’s a moon laser? Whoops!

Like in a candlelit bubblebath with a good porn rag. They just came out with the new “Fuck Sluts” monthly.

Bruce sees Roth off and considers this a wasted-ass evening. He could have played Batman tonight! Such bullshit. Good thing Robin is out there at least, he thinks, not knowing that his ward is about to get decapitated.

Somehow, though, Azrael gets the upper hand! He has stolen the chainsaw and is threatening the bad dude with it. Getting it really close to his eyeball. “You want to kill me?” Azrael asks coldly. “Go ahead! Try! Come on! Try and kill me!”

Robin stops Azrael before he can fill the guy’s skull full of chainsaw. Too bad, too, because that would have made for some compelling comic book-writin’. Instead, Robin kicks the chainsaw out of Azrael’s hand even though that’s the most dangerous thing anyone could do in this situation. Jesus, kid.

“We’re not killers!” Robin reminds Azrael.

“Lost control… I was going to murder him…” Azrael says, rubbing a temple. He worries that his programming runs too deep and that he might not be able to change.

“You’ll get a handle on it,” Robin assures the dork. “Batman believes in you. So do I.”

OH, WELL! ROBIN BELIEVES IN YOU! THAT’S GOT TO BE WORTH THE TOILET PAPER YOU WIPED YOUR ASS WITH THIS MORNING!

Anyway, time to boogie. They hit the alarms and get out of there while all the bad guys lie unconscious like dogs.

The hypnotist guy from earlier, the one with the list, he knocks off the next name by convincing the guy he’s a schoolboy running off to class in the middle of traffic. “The mama’s boys are always the easiest. So eager to please,” he says as the victim gets creamed by a semi-truck. Only Lucius Fox is left on the list, and that guy is dispensable. Seriously, go for it. No one’s gonna care.

Joke’s on you, bud. School’s out for the summer. School’s out forever.

The ringleader of the whole Let’s-Steal-from-Wayne-Plaza-LOL plan gets interrogated at the 43rd precinct by Harvey “fat and unwashed” Bullock. It wasn’t Batman this time who administered the punishment beatings, oh no. It was Robin and some nutjob who swung a chainsaw around like he owned the place (and the place was the Chainsaw Store). And Bullock’s like “Some nutjob, eh? Sounds suspicious! There aren’t any nutjobs in Gotham!”

Meanwhile, an officer who is surveilling the interrogation shows Sal a bald, hypnotizing, list-having man checking into the building right now on another screen…

Bruce and Lucius visit the first guy’s grave. The guy who jumped out of the window screaming for Wanda. Something makes Lucius uneasy, but he can’t put his finger on it…

Oh yeah, he knows what it is now? Being played by Morgan Freeman in the movies? That dude is old as shit!

Final Thoughts

I don’t care much for Lucius Fox. I hope the mysterious hypnotist man throws him into a wood chipper.

And Robin’s a punk. Throw his ass in there too.

And Batman. Let’s just woodchip the shit out of the whole city.