Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #611 – “Chapter 4: The City”! In the previous installment, Batman thinks Killer Croc is too dumb to plan a kidnapping alone, so he’s determined to find the string-puller. Dr. Thomas Elliot visits Alfred to tell him to relay a warning to Bruce: stay the fuck in bed because the city is dangerous. Bruce does not stay the fuck in bed, of course. He’s going to team up with Catwoman to go find Poison Ivy in Metropolis (where she’s kissing Superman on the lips and hopefully killing him).

Batman and Catwoman are going to do flips and have sex all along the way to Metropolis. It’s disgusting and I hate it.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #611 [March, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 4: The City”

Bruce arrives in Metropolis in his private plane. “It is very different from Gotham City and for that alone… I try to avoid coming here. There are not many reasons for Batman to be in this city. But no one will raise an eyebrow when Bruce Wayne comes to town.”

So, in short, Bruce fucking hates Metropolis more than I do. It’s been years since he’s actually wanted to go to Metropolis, but whatever, he’ll make the most of it. Perhaps he’ll pretend to look after some of his business interests. Perhaps he’ll stop by the Daily Planet and inappropriately hit on Lois Lane for a little bit. Maybe he’ll give Lex Luthor a blowjob. The possibilities are endless.

Thomas Elliot catches up with Bruce before he leaves the airport. They reminisce and laugh about the time Thomas Wayne brought the two of them here to the city to take in a show. Ha ha ha! Say, how about the two of them hang out together like old times?

While all this is happening, Gotham’s biggest horndog keeps thinking about kissing Catwoman. What Bruce really wants to do in Metropolis is bone Selina Kyle in the sleaziest hotel he can find. We’re talking $21 per night and a TV bolted to the wall. And not even any HBO!

Bruce asks Thomas if he told anyone that they saw Green Lantern streak across the sky in Metropolis when they were kiddos. All like “whoa” and “wow”. And instead of staying put like Thomas Wayne demanded, the kids run off to follow wherever the hell Green Lantern is going. Turns out it’s to fight some freezy bad guy who fancies himself as The Icicle. “He’ll never win!” Thomas cries as the superhero/supervillain show curves around the block. The kids don’t get back to the corner in time.

“We’re not in Gotham City, Bruce,” Thomas Wayne chastises his son. “I’m not only responsible for you, but your friend as well. And since neither one of you can be trusted, you’ll spend the rest of the weekend in your hotel room.”

They didn’t get to see the rest of the city, let alone more superhero shenanigans! Then Bruce’s parents died and, well, he never, ever saw Thomas Elliot again.

Anyway, the two catch up a little bit now that Thomas isn’t pushing Bruce’s brain back into his head with a spork. Thomas tells him that he came by the manor the other day and talked to Alfred, hoping to check on his Favorite Patient. His favorite patient who should have been in bed. His favorite patient who sucks at listening to doctors.

Says the guy who falls off 70-story buildings every three days.

Thomas Elliot tells Bruce that he ain’t Superman. He can’t just run around town without being full-healed! You need at least a Hi-Potion to enjoy that luxury.

Back before the Metropolis visit, Batman had given Catwoman a fancy button that she can press to call him in case she runs into Poison Ivy first. Catwoman is like “sure, yeah, like I’m going to do that” and if I were her I would’ve flicked that shit off the roof.

Thomas recognizes that Bruce’s brain traveled to Mars there for a minute and calls him out on it. Always imagining sexing up the ladies, this guy. Anyway, Thomas asks a favor: play a game of Risk or Stratego with him again some day. For fuck’s sake, dude, he’s been holding onto those pieces for years with no other dingus childhood friends to play them with.

If I didn’t say that this issue is gripping storytelling so far, then I’d be a big fat liar!

Later, Bruce pops in on Lois at the Daily Planet. He has a bouquet of flowers like a true gentlemen, and her pussy melts in her pants. Lois gives him a hug while Clark Kunt pops his head above the next cubicle. Lois tells him that their dinner plans are going to have to wait, she’ll be riding Bruce’s dick tonight instead. Clark understands.

Bruce takes this moment to log onto Lois’ computer and engage in a very unsecured AOL Instant Messenger conversation with Oracle. They talk about breaking into LexCorp for a hot minute before Bruce logs off sheepishly before Perry White shows up to clap him on the back and give him a noogie. The gang’s all here! Now we just need Jimmy Olsen to come into the room, poop his pants, and do a cartwheel.

But really, do it again and I’ll slap a bitch.

Clark is suspicious of Bruce’s arrival in Metropolis, so he’s going to become Superman and ambush him when he’s Batman! Dinner plans will really have to wait now, but that’s ok. Dinner was going to be something gross like halibut stew anyway.

In the dead of night, Batman pops into LexCorp to talk to Talia Head, Ra’s al Ghul’s daughter. These two have shown up in my comic book travels a couple of times and I don’t know or care about either of them. She’s running the place now while Luthor is President of the United States or whatever the fuck he’s up to.

Batman is here to get some ethylene. Barring that, he wants to know who has been purchasing large quantities of the stuff. But before he can really get down to business here, Batman’s pager goes off. Shit! That’s the Catwoman signal! Gotta run, but we’re not done here. There’s still the matter of a rag soaked in ethylene for some good ol’-fashioned huffin’.

“There’s something… different about you,” Talia says suspiciously. “I am not sure I like it.” Thanks for noticing Batman’s newest rainbow-colored codpiece! Exquisite, you might say.

Batman catches up with Catwoman on top of an elevated passenger train. They do a little bit of power-move flirting, which Catwoman always wins.

They find Poison Ivy in a warehouse based on no leads or prior information. That is to say, Catwoman finds her first in all her green glory. One smack from Poison Ivy and Catwoman goes absolutely apeshit. With a WHAM, BAM, DTUSH, Catwoman kicks the crap out of Ivy. She tries to bargain her way out of an ass-beating with all the money she has, but Catwoman doesn’t want her stinkin’ money. What she wants to do is take a little claw… and just barely touch Ivy’s neck… to see if she bleeds green…

Ugh, I always, always forget about the creepy sentient plants! D’oh!

Catwoman almost asphyxiates before Batman batarangs the vine loose. “Ivy,” he says menacingly. “You are coming back to Gotham City.”

Ivy finds this all very amusing. Hee hee ha ha ho ho hee. Catwoman brought her champion? What fun! Ivy brought one too!

And for some reason, it’s Superman.

Superman has gone to the dark side, and not a moment too soon. I was just about to throw shade at his uncoolness again.

Final Thoughts

Really, bitches? You had to bring Superman into the mix? The dude smells like dried soup and he once punched a kitten so hard that it’s now in orbit around Neptune. God, I hate Superman.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #610 – “Chapter 3: The Beast”! In the previous installment, Batman’s fall has rendered him a complete drooling vegetable and the only man who can fix him up is the world’s most renowned surgeon, and Bruce Wayne’s best friend, Dr. Thomas Elliot! Poison Ivy gives half her money to an unknown business partner. An equally unknown enemy of Batman is ready to fuck him up, but that happens in every issue, so I’m not sure what’s different this time. But maybe we can read on and not find out!

Also, the Batmobile broke its wheel and the Joker got away.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #610 [February, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 3: The Beast”

“His name is Killer Croc. He is being held here in Arkham Asylum for ‘observation’. Something has happened to him. He is mutating… losing even more of his humanity.”

Batman tries to ask ol’ Crocky what he needs $10 million for, and Croc says he’ll show him if he lets him outta da joint. It is well understood that Killer Croc is too stupid to stage a kidnapping on his own, so he had help from somebody. But whom? WHOM?!

Batman tells the Arkham boys to hose the Croc down before he gets too agitated, but Croc immediately busts through his protective glass and starts gnashing on the guards. “I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU!” he shrieks, filling his little lungs with broken glass. Batman knocks him in the jaw delicately. “You won’t hurt anyone else.”

Killer Croc does the opposite of not hurting anyone else and smashes Batman’s stupid head against a wall. “GET BACK OR I’LL GUT HIM!” Croc warns the guards while Batman flails helplessly like a fish that some guy had just fucked. Then Croc busts through a sewer grate on the wall and escapes like Gotham’s Biggest Bad Boy.

Amanda Waller of Meta-Human Affairs watched what happened from behind glass. Her boss, President Luthor of Meta-Human Affairs I guess, is a personal friend of the fancy Lamont family, so it’s in her best interest to close this case. Batman doesn’t like her; they have a history and I don’t think it’s the sexy-times-type history. Batman doesn’t like Luthor either. This whole fucking operations stinks.

“You’ve got until midnight,” Waller says, pointing a fat finger at Batman’s chest. “Then, Croc is ours.” Batman grumbles and frowns, as he does. Alfred radios Batman to ask if they’re expecting company? A car just pulled onto the property with a Pennsylvania license plate. My guess is that it’s someone from the USA. I’ve got no more leads on this one.

Alfred gives Batman three license plate numbers and Batman is able to determine that it’s Dr. Thomas Elliot’s shitty Pontiac Sunfire. And since Batman can’t be arsed to be home right now to enjoy the Good Doctor’s visit, Alfred has to let the man in and entertain him with juggling.

Alfred calls Dr. Elliot ‘Tommy’. Dr. Elliot calls Alfred “Alf”.

Oh, Willy! The cat won’t fit in the toaster!

Tommy asks to be invited in to check on his patient. Alf tells him that Bruce Wayne isn’t home right now. He’s ziplining in Belarus after a long afternoon of jumping-jacks. Tommy seems surprised that his infinitely-stubborn patient is carousing right now, but he is also equally foreboding about it. “Alf. As his surgeon and an old friend, tell him something for me? This is a dangerous game he’s playing. This going out and about when he should be in bed. Alone. Dangerous.”

And with that, Tommy fucks back off into the rain. Alf frowns heavily at this really fucking weird message that he now needs to relay to Young Master Bruce. He reminisces about when, back in the day, on a night just like this one, a young boy Tommy Elliot knocked on the door wanting to talk to his friend Bruce for a minute. Bruce calls Tommy a knucklehead for standing out in the rain. But enough about being a knucklehead for now, Brucey. This is serious!

“There’s… there’s been an accident,” Tommy snivels. “My… mom and dad… their car.”

Bruce remembers this day. Tommy’s parents are taken to the hospital Bruce’s dad practices in. The Elliots’ butler quietly commiserates with Alfred, in the way that butlers do. Clarence, this guy’s name, he tried to warn the Elliots that rain is slippery. He wanted to drive them, but noooooooo.

In the background, Bruce pinky-promises Tommy that his parents are all right. Well, as it turns out, one parent is all right! And guess who’s to blame for Tommy’s dad biting the big one? Bruce, because he broke a pinky-promise! Tommy punches some blood out of Bruce’s jaw. “Why’d you have to tell me it was going to be okay, Bruce? Why?”

Because Bruce Wayne is a selfish idiot with no tact, dumbass. He shouldn’t have given you any hope at all! What a jerk! And now that that unpleasantness is behind us forever and ever, we can return to the present to the action already in process: Batman weaving down the streets in his Batmobile (1976 Chevy Caprice) chasing down the Croc, who has a tracker implanted in his butthole courtesy of Arkham. Batman thinks that Croc will lead him to the money, or at least the person who is masterminding this whole comedy of errors. Just a debacle all around. Real dipshit stuff.

Then Batman dies for the second time in three days.

Come on, man. The dude isn’t even supposed to out of bed right now.

Someone shoots his left front tire out, causing it to careen and swerve in an out-of-control manner, to be sure. Oracle’s signal is cut off, so she screams “BATMAN! BATMAN!” until Batman punches through his passenger side window, further lacerating his already quite lacerated mess of a body. “Are you all right?” asks Oracle. “What the hell is going on out there?”

In pure Batfashion, the cowled one doesn’t answer any of Oracle’s questions or help soothe her frazzled nerves whatsoever. He just tells her to not lose the damn tracking signal. Oracle literally responds with “…”

“The Batmobile’s outfitted with Kevlar-reinforced tires filled with petroleum jelly. A blowout is next to impossible.” Oh no, then how did your stupid Vaseline tire get a flat, sir?

Killer Croc is scaling a building like King Kong. Catwoman waits in a rooftop greenhouse. “Hello Kitty. I want my money,” Croc growls. “You and me both,” Catwoman purrs. She says Poison Ivy has it, and Croc doesn’t want to hear that shit. Catwoman does want to say that shit! “We’ve been set up,” she croaks as Croc tries to squeeze her windpipe shut. “Ivy was supposed to meet me here. She used me to steal the money.”

Croc is nanoseconds away from killing the killer Killer Croc when Batman (who has miraculously found these two after a fatal-for-anyone-else car crash) flings a Batarang at Croc’s noggin and wraps his jaws up in Batrope. “NO!” Croc screams before his jaws are clamped shut. Then Batman shoots the thing that the rope is connected to, which causes Croc to get hurtled through the glass and out into the night, head into a wall, that sort of thing.

“It’s after midnight,” Batman says smartly, addressing the addled Croc. “You have to understand. The only way out of this is to talk to me. Someone is playing us – you, me, Catwoman – maybe even Ivy. You have to trust me, Croc.”

Croc doesn’t even trust his own dick. You can even see a tear in Croc’s eye as he’s about to explain what the money is supposed to be for. Something about fixing. We don’t know yet, but it might be his dick.

The Feds are here and they want you to put your hands in the air like you just don’t care!

BLACK OPS HELICOPTERS IN THE SKY! THE F.B.I. HAS CROC SURROUNDED! CROC DOESN’T TRUST BATMAN ANYMORE! CROC SMASH!

“Dammit,” Batman says, punching Croc in the face with a “BAM”. And now the F.B.I. is firing at the roof, prompting Croc to leap into the air with an “I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU!”

A big net is shot out of one of the helicopters, encasing Croc in its netty goodness. Hanging by a rope, Croc is carried away justly. This is all Amanda Waller’s fault. Amanda Waller of Meta-Human Affairs! Batman shakes his fist in the air like an old fucking man.

“I spend the next six nights looking for any clues to further my investigation. Wherever they’ve stashed Croc, I can’t find him… for now.”

Catwoman cartwheels her way into Batman’s path. She has important news! She has feline herpes! Also, she found Ivy and she has relocated to Metropolis. And Catwoman wants in on bringing her to justice!

She thanks Batman for saving her life by forcing him into a kiss. He acquiesces, and let the disgusting canoodling begin.

Final Thoughts

Oh boy, Metropolis. Is this the part where Superman shows up to poop and fart for an issue before Batman and Catwoman fuck back off to Gotham after absolutely zero progress in their mission? Because that sure sounds like a goddamn blast.