Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “Infinity”! In the previous installment, The New Avengers Illuminati Comedy Troupe convenes for a serious discussion: the universe is literally colliding with another universe, and they need to stop it in eight hours!

So half of them are working on building an early warning system, the other half set out to find dead Professor Xavier’s Infinity Gem (gotta collect them all!), and, meanwhile, the heroes have to contemplate the possibility of destroying a world to save their own.

Heavy stuff. I hope someone ordered pizza, it’s gonna be a long night.

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [April, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Infinity”

Cover analysis! Everyone’s looking at a shield on the floor EXCEPT Captain America. Remember when Captain America lost his shield in the Mark Waid story? Now the shield has lost the Captain! If I were the shield I’d try to lose myself as often as possible too. That guy’s always whipping that thing around; not really what the shield signed up for.

Opening scene! New York. Dr. Hank McCoy, aka Mr. Beast of the X-Type Men, sits behind the desk in his luxurious study reading a letter. A letter personally requested to be delivered to McCoy after Professor Xavier kicked the bucket. It was in his will and everything.

It’s a very important letter.

McCoy opens it and it’s just a piece of paper with one word written on it.

“Remember”

What a goddamned ripoff that is! No extra money? No keys to the Private Blowjob Jet? Not even a lousy thank you card? Bah.

“I will have this memory buried deep within your mind, Henry,” speaks and standing-upright-on-working-legs Professor Xavier. Beast has leaned back in his chair and tapped into the POWERS OF THE “REMEMBER” NOTE! If he’s now “remembering” that means it worked! And also Xavier is dead! So that’s, like, two good things.

Remember what? The Alamo? The Titans? Eat a dick, Professor.

Xavier takes Beast on a little mind-walk across the room that is Xavier’s own mind-study and shows him a secret mind-vault. “I hope you understand the burden I am about to place on you is the highest praise I can offer. I also hope you can find it in your heart to someday forgive me when you find out what I have done.

If I were Beast, I’d start getting worried. What could he have possibly done? Sleep with his wife? Given him the whole school? Oh no, it’s not the Mind Gem is it? Please, Professor, if I have the gem then all those nerdy Avengers are gonna start bugging me! Please don’t. Those guys are annoying!

Xavier starts opening some panels, exposing the keypad that unlocks the vault. “Inside here are journals. Records of clandestine activities. I have been part of something that was both necessary and unthinkable.” No, please, I can see where this is going, sir! I seriously hate having to hang out with Captain America and Iron Man. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Couldn’t you have put plane tickets to Maui in that envelope or something?

“How do you know you are special, Henry?”

“You always told me I was.”

Bleecchh. You’re a grown man. A grown beast, at least. You don’t need validation from the bald, dead Father of the Freaks! If he was so damn smart, how come he’s dead? Huh?

Beast is now alone. He looks at the keypad on the door and types in “GIFTED”. The keyboard snorts and groans and rolls its eyes and gags and then opens the door.

It’s the stupid stone.

Ohh mmyyyyyy! That is sooo Takei!

Immediately upon acquiring the dreaded Mind Gem, the Avengers search team in charge of finding it PHASES INTO THE ROOM in a haze of ethereal, blue light. “Welcome to the rabbit hole, Doctor McCoy. Pack a bag,” demands Captain America.

I can hear Beast muttering under his breath from here. “Fuckin’ Avengers. My day is ruined.”

One day later, Beast is in that Wakandan Temple hideout getting his palms sliced open so that Reed Richards can surgically place communication devices within them. If I were Beast, I definitely wouldn’t ever forgive Professor Xavier. High praise or not, this gig sucks.

“It will broadcast certain simple commands to each of us. Run. Fight. Assemble. And so on…” explains Mr. Fantabulous. Other commands include Sit, Stay, Fetch, Roll over. Good boy.

You thought the knife hurt? Wait ‘til I place this piping hot 1600°F chip in the wound.

Finally, Mr. Beast speaks up. “Assemble, you say? Funny that, because I don’t ever remember actually agreeing to join up with this little cabal. I’ve heard what you have to say, and…I don’t know if I should be here.”

Very reasonable. I’m sure Reed Richards will apologize, honor your feelings and decisions, and allow you to–

“The Beast makes a good point, Richards. We should take what we need and send him on his way. This one lacks the constitution for hard decisions.”

What did you just say to me, Namor, you shriveled up old butthole?

Richards respects Beast’s hesitations! After all, Beast does lack the constitution for hard decisions! Someone said that once and it stuck with him. Plus, Professor Xavier should really be here, but he died on the toilet trying to jerk off. BUT, be that as it unfortunately may, Xavier did trust you with the gem. So suck it up, and not another word about it!

That pointy and excruciatingly painful surgically-implanted palm device also acts as an interdimensional homing beacon. If you’re stuck on some Knife Planet full of stabby knives, we will find you. If you’re stuck on some Ghost Planet full of spooky ghosts, we will find you. If you slip off and travel back home to your cozy, comfy bed, we will find you! Don’t worry!

All right everyone, get in the room! Let’s test our tracking devices!

Cool, they all work. Get used to them, they’re in your palms forever.

Now we sit back and wait for one of those apocalypse dealies.

Let’s see what that gray lady is up to these days. Richards is feeding her French fries, and oh damn son are they ever delicious. Makes being captive worth it.

But enough about French fries and similar indulgences! End of the many universes coming up quick. “Have you decided upon meekness, accepting your end, or will you prepare an offering?” she asks, eatin’ dem fries.

I’ll tell you the plan. It involves taking you down to Chinatown, baby.

Richards is like “grumble grumble we do have a plan you know”. Black Swan asks him to put his sexy money where his sexy mouth is. Richards starts talking about Infinity Gems and gauntlets and, listen, it all sounds so profoundly stupid out loud, doesn’t it? However, Black Swan is familiar with these sacred Chaos Emeralds! Only she calls them the “Ina Abanayyartu”, and I’m never writing that out again.

“This is a good plan,” she admits, “the stones will not work outside their native universe, so they have limitations. But the stones will buy you time.”

Reed Richards is quite chuffed at this compliment! Then she tells him that all that bought time will run out before you succeed! lol! This makes him sad, and he then announces that they are done here. Ridicule our ideas, huh? We’re the fucking Avengers, lady. The new ones.

So Reed “Between the Lines” Richards takes his leave and Black Swan meditates for four straight days. On the fourth day, she opens her fire-red eyeballs and proclaims “Rabum Alal”. This may be important, make a note. I’m not gonna make a note, but maybe you can for me.

The Gang of Teenage Mutant Ninja Avengers assembles on a Pakistani mountain. They need to spread out and find something, but what that “something” is exactly? I’m not sure. It may be important, make a note of this too! You’ll be making a lot of notes for me.

Iron Man uses his Pentium 8505 processor and hones in on the precise location of their mystery “something”. Forty yards up the face of the mountain. About half a football field. Start hoofin’.

There is not only 6 hours, 37 minutes, and 45 seconds until the universe implodes. No more lollygagging. Namor finds the “something”, the invisible portal to the scary red dimension and the team starts crossing the threshold. They all make a note of how peaceful and unassuming the atmosphere is, giving everyone the booboo-jeebies.

The six gem-holders huddle together and present their shiny little round rocks.

“Focus on the gems. Imagine the six becoming one…remember…they want to be together.”

Taste the rainbow.

It’s a veritable gangbang of spiritual and supernatural proportions. The gems join with the Infinity Gauntlet. If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.

…

“What now?” asks Captain America, bored. Now, my dense friend, the gauntlet is to be used to push the other Earth – the other universe – away. Yeah? And who’s gonna do that? Captain America doesn’t wanna do it! He tries to pass the buck to literally anyone else there, but Iron Man insists. This was your plan, doofus. WE all wanted to commit fiendish atrocities, but nooooo! You didn’t want to hear any of that! Wear the stupid glove, Steve.

“Okay,” he says simply as he advances toward the luminescent, floating glove. He puts it on his hand and it feels like his dick just grew another six inches! So powerful! Wowee Zowee!

The others simply marvel at the beauty of Steve Rogers pushing a planet away with a focused glove beam. So radiant. So decadent.

“Steve! You have to push it away! You have to send it back to end the incursion!” yells Iron Man, carefully attempting to avoid too many three-syllable words.

Stephen Strange declares Cap’s victory, but Reed senses something off. Iron Man senses it too. Weird vibrations. In his pants.

The team gets blown back by blinding, white light that goes “ZZHHRRNNGGGG”.

Imbeciles! Those were expensive!

“What was that? What just happened?” Beast stutters. Cap says he tried one more final push, but the sky bit back! Now everything’s gone and ruined! Oh me! Oh my!

“You just killed us all, you incompetent fool!” shrieks the over-emotional Namor. Gotta agree with the angry seaman on this one. He punches Cap in the jaw. Cap absorbs the punch pretty well.

Beast watches from afar as Cap retaliates, and now the rest of the team is in a petulant skirmish pile. He’s probably thinking “yeah, I should’ve just stayed home. These guys really are the worst.”

Later, back at Necropolis, Captain America does some alone time staring pver the large city landscape. “Everyone’s ready to reconvene,” Black Panther tells him, but Cap ain’t ready. It’s just been a lot of angry purple-faced screaming. It’s more peaceful out on the balcony away from all the damn screaming. It’s a nice, peaceful city, this Necropolis. “Necropolis is a city populated by the spirits of noble warriors who never knew defeat. It’s your kind of place,” Black Panther comments, “We have to go. It’s time.”

Captain America stops him. He already knows what this meeting is going to be all about. Compromising their values for the sake of expediency. Justifying the necessary evil option. Fuck that! America don’t play that! “I’m not going to just sit there and watch it happen. I can’t.”

Cap needs T’Challa’s word, right here, right now. “Are you with me?”

And that sly cat, he walks away going “When have you ever known me not to do the right thing?”

Captain shuffles into the dark meeting room, hoists up his cajones, and tells the team that “yeah, sure, maybe I couldn’t use the glove properly. So fucking what? I still stopped the incursion, bitches!”

Strange disagrees. Sure, maybe this incursion was stopped, but what about a possible next one. What if it happens in ten minutes? Stones are gone. No glove, no love.

No, you’re the poopy head, Reed.

Well, be that as it may, Cap still wants to consider non-atrocity options. Right T’Challa?

T’Challa disagrees! He has to put his nation first. His own desires mean squat. “Doing the right thing” didn’t mean “doing whatever Captain America wants”. And, in T’Challa’s opinion, he will do whatever it takes to help his people.

Captain America goes around the room to try to guilt everyone into agreeing with him. Nobody does. Not the silent Black Bolt. Not Hank “Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs” McCoy. Not Reed “It and Weep” Richards. Nobody.

“You will wake up one day and have no idea who is looking back at you in the mirror,” Captain America warns to Richards. To everybody, really. He sees how this will play out: they’ll build a dangerous machine, then they’ll debate over when the correct time and situation occurs to justify using it, then one by one, they will be ok with their decision. “We’re doing it for the right reasons. There’s no other choice. It’s the lesser of two evils.”

He turns to Stark. “Isn’t that right, brother?”

Stark sinks about three inches, looking all coy and sheepish.

“Dammit, Steve. Why do you always have to be this way?” Stark grumbles.

Cap goes “buh?”

“Do it, Stephen,” Stark instructs Strange.

Dr. Strange uses his Cumberbatch powers to render Steve thoroughly memory-wiped.

He lies there on the floor like an amnesia-riddled dumbass.

Final Thoughts

Give it two more issues before everyone starts kissing Cap’s dick, apologizing and hoping they’ll forgive him. Especially Namor. He’s done a lifetime of dick apology-kissin’.