Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #6 – “I Am Gotham (Epilogue)”! In the previous installment, Gotham gets so powerful that he is even able to uppercut Superman and hurt him. This is because part of his powers involves strengthening up to and past the point of what’s necessary at the moment. Cool, right? Well, he had suddenly become a bad guy hellbent on destroy Gotham City for about eighteen pages, so not so cool. Unless you want to see Gotham City crushed into rubble like I do.

The funny thing is, Batman arranges to have an entire plane come down and crash on Gotham and he comes out without a scratch. Invulnerable, right? Well, the issue ends with a monologue that starts with “after Gotham died…” without explaining anything. Are we going to see what happened here in the epilogue? Or is it going to be some bullshit? My money’s on bullshit. It’s never not bullshit with these people.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #6 [October, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 6)”

“Hank, I heard the best joke. It’s so good. I mean, it’s, like, one of those things where you hear it and you have to go and tell someone. But I, like, didn’t tell it to anyone. I just wanted to tell it to you first, Hank. Anyway, here it goes–”

“–Why don’t you ever see Batman hiding in trees? Because he’s so good at it! HA HA HA HA!”

Gotham Girl cuts off all her hair and buzzes it down while she’s saying all this. It’s the universal action of “that bitch gone crazy”. This was Monday.

On Tuesday, a screaming lunatic in a blimp, aptly named “Colonel Blimp”, wants 30,000,000 dollars in thirty minutes or else the submarine he’s towing behind him will get… well, not dropped in the ocean, obviously. But something will happen to it!

Hairless Gotham Girl crashes through the blimp cockpit and shoves the Blimp Guy out of the blimp. While this guy is screaming, Gotham Girl talks to herself some more. “Ugh, Hank, I’m tired. I stayed up too late last night watching, like, old reruns. They were showing some of those shows that we watching in the morning, on the kitchen TV…”

There’s a lot more of this while she swoops down, catches the screaming guy, and dons his sexy purple Blimp Hat.

“I’ve been thinking about Mom,” she says as she literally drops this guy off in front of the police station. “Did you ever think Mom was almost too judgmental sometimes?”

Looney toons over here fights crime while mumbling inanities. It’s the superhero Gotham City needs! Better than that bat guy. Who was that guy again?

Don’t you just hate it when you’re driven mad by the Psycho-Pirate after your whole family was killed? Really grinds my gears.

On Wednesday, Duke Thomas annoys Batman like a pesky gnat telling him things he already knows. “Gotham Girl is crazy” and “We have to save her” and “My dick is stuck in my zipper again”.

On Thursday, Gotham Girl looks over the nighttime skyline comments on its beauty, talking to her dead brother. “Isn’t it beautiful?” she says to him (dead).

On Friday, she gets distracted from talking by faint begging in the long distance. It appears that a dandy fop named Captain Stingaree, a piratey-type with his billowing captain’s coat and his luscious eyepatch, has kidnapped a group of pudgy, misshapen men in Batman costumes. He’s making one of them walk the plank, which hangs over the edge of a tall building. “Karl, listen. Please…” begs one of the Batmans. Batmen? “You got to get your meds, man. That’s all… just… please…”

BUT CAPTAIN STINGAREE KNOWS NOT ABOUT MEDS! THIS IS ABOUT KILLING THE BATMAN! WHICH IS YOU! Exhibit A: the Batman costume, of course! Check and mate, dear sir. “Tonight, the sharks’ll feast mightily out of Davy Jones’ locker!”

Then Karl Stingaree shoves this guy off the edge and turns to the other Batmen. “Ahoy, me hearties! Which of ye Batmans is to be next?”

In swoops Gotham Girl ready to throw this landlubber down to the briny deep! She beats the shit out of him until the real Batman shows up on the roof. “We need to talk,” he says, which has become a bit of a catchphrase as of late.

He smells like onions, though. Hey Hank, you’ve always liked onions…

“You need help. I can help you,” he tells her.

“Hank…” she responds dreamily. “I wish…”

“You’re in pain. I can help with the pain. Come with me. Let me help you.”

“Hank… Hank… It’s…” She frowns. “Batman…” She smiles. “It’s Batman! It’s really Batman!” She flies away blissfully, leaving Batman on the roof like some sort of fucking loser who can’t fly.

Batman radios Alfred and asks him – because he was bluffing the whole time – what he did to help him when his own parents died. “Master Bruce, with all due respect…” Alfred begins, which doesn’t bode well. “Each night you leave this perfectly lovely house and go leaping off buildings dressed as a giant bat. Do you really think I helped you?”

Fuckin’ Alfred, man. Always delivers.

On Saturday, a guy named Kite Man, like this was goddamned Mega Man or something, crashes through the window of a very ornately decorated room of rich, well-dressed occupants. He steals pearls right off of a woman’s neck and crashes through another window on his way out. What’s with all the jumping through windows all the time? Lacerations are the #3 killer in America!

Don’t get cocky, Kite Man. Have you met Kite-Eating Tree Man?

“Kite man. Hell yeah,” he says as he hang-glides to safety. And by “to safety” I mean “right into Gotham Girl’s trajectory where she intercepts his ass and drops him off at the police station while talking to ‘Hank’ about the joke she already said she heard that wasn’t funny in the first place”.

Batman catches Gotham Girl’s attention by shining 1,000,000 candelas of Batsignal light in her eyeballs. “I need to know something,” he says quietly. “I need to know why you’re helping this city.”

Gotham Girl swoops down to the roof to meet Batman. “Hank, you think Batman would understand, right?”

Batman glares with intense impatience.

“But no one understands, really. I mean, except you. You always understood. When it hurts… so much… when you’re alone…”

Batman face falls to sad-sacky Frown Town.

“Helping Gotham… it makes it hurt less.”

In short, she feels like she has no choice. She has to help Gotham.

Batman has had enough. He takes off his cowl and shows her his face in all its majestic Bruce Wayneness. He tells her all about his murdered parents, about how he started talking to his mother for a while afterward, about how he still kind of does. They both hug it out.

“I don’t feel good,” she cries.

“I know.”

“I just miss him.”

“I know.”

WHAT DON’T YOU KNOW, KNOW-IT-ALL? Fucking know-it-all over here.

Anyway, epilogue to the epilogue. Amanda Waller talks to Batman about Professor Hugo Strange. He’s nowhere to be found anymore. “He caused a series of disasters around Gotham in order to gain control of Psycho-Pirate. He then apparently… exchanged the pirate for a significant quantity of Venom.”

Psycho-Pirate is in Santa Prisca with Bane. Bane was behind this all along! That scamp! There’s a lot of work to do if you want to avenge Gotham Girl and her dead family.

But… Amanda Waller can help… oh yes yes…

And we’ll find out why another time!

Final Thoughts

*DUSTS OFF HANDS* ANOTHER BATMAN STORY IN THE BOOKS. Check back next time when Batman steals a stack of Hustler magazines and starts licking the centerfolds in the Batcave bathroom.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “I Am Gotham (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Gotham Girl is traumatized and Duke Thomas takes advantage of the situation for four panels before Alfred tells him to go away. Gotham Dude can’t take the pressure of superhero activities. He accidentally gets his parents killed and he snaps, all like “GOTHAM CITY WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE, SO I MUST DESTROY GOTHAM CITY!” Now Batman has his work cut out for him, and he’s going to have to slap the hell dick out of his mouth and get him back to reality. That’ll be the last two issues of the story, guaranteed.

Duke Thomas is supposed to be the new Robin but I haven’t seen him once put on the sexy red, yellow, and green Robin costume with the eye mask and the codpiece. Will DC ever read my letters??

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [October, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 5)”

Yeah, covert art! Fuck you, Batman! Get your ass kicked! Stain the world with your blood!

The first thing Batman does is cry to Alfred about Gotham. He’s going to destroy the city if we don’t hurry! “I’m on my way,” Alfred says. “But I won’t be there in time.”

UNACCEPTABLE! Get your tender ass here pronto, Alfred!

So Alfred backpedals and says “ugh, fine”. But he gets a glint in his eye as he dons his own Batman costume and sits at the wheel of the Batmobile. He looks like he’s ready to uppercut a bitch. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my dude fucks.

Before you know it, Alfred drives the car right into Gotham’s back at 196 miles per hour. This would kill a rhinoceros, but we both know that Gotham’s going to get up right away and grit his teeth and—oh, there he goes.

“Fear not, the citizens of Gotham,” Alfred announces to no one in particular. “The Dark Knight has returned!”

Gotham looks at this fucking guy with the John Waters pencil mustache, tries to argue with him that he’s not actually Batman while Alfred weakly defends his initial point that, yes, he is indeed Batman.

The two-minute distraction worked. The real Batman shows up, much to Alfred-Batman’s relief. “Oh, thank God,” Alfred says, relieved.

Batman starts kicking Gotham around the face area and politely tells him that they need to chat. Then Batman pulls out a detonator and pushes the button while politely telling him that they need to chat. His Batmobile blows up, raining organ-lacerating shrapnel all over the place at the speed of sound and surrounding Gotham with fire and smoke. Killing nobody.

Just get another one out of one of those Japanese car vending machines that have on the side of the highway.

Duke Thomas is watching the action on Batman’s many screens; apparently, Batman has installed 190,000 cameras all over the city to keep surveillance. 185,000 of those are in public women’s bathrooms! “What is this?” asks Gotham Girl behind Duke. She’s still disoriented by being infected by the Psycho-Pirate. While Gotham is mad with rage, Gotham Girl is still uncontrollably fearful. You can tell because she stammers and has her eyebrows pointed in the direction of worry.

“Stop. Listen,” Batman growls at Gotham. “I understand. You got hit. Hit hard. And now you’re hurt. But just because you’re hurt. Doesn’t mean you get to hurt my city.”

Ah, there it is. The GOTHAM IS MYYYY CITY, NOT ANYONE ELSE’S, WAAAAHHH!!! stuff. We all knew this was coming the moment this dude showed up and said “I am Gotham.”

Gotham is defiant. “What are you going to do, Batman? Shoot a rope at me?”

Batman shoots a rope, but not at him. “No, Gotham. I’m going to crash a plane into you.”

Buh?

Batman grapples out of the way while Batman’s Batplane just falls from the fucking sky and lands on Gotham’s head.

The only thing Gotham says is “No.”

Batman then gets Alfred on the horn and asks him to “make the call”, which either means he’s ordering pizza or contacting the President. Alfred is astonished to be asked to perform such a task! It has never happened! Is Mr. Sir absolutely sure?? “Yes, Alfred. I’m certain.”

Gotham Girl, watching the footage of her brother get creamed by an entire airplane, becomes so stricken with grief that she throws a glass case containing a Robin uniform right at the console, smashing all the screens and ruining $4.5 trillion worth of equipment. Duke tells her to calm down, ho. Gotham Girl accepts Duke’s embrace. “I’m alone,” she says in a small voice.

And, for some absolute batshit reason that eludes me, Gotham is still alive and unharmed.

Think of Gotham City as the biggest unlubricated dildo in the world and it’ll all make sense.

Batman agrees that Gotham City cannot be saved. So Gotham and Batman exchange heartfelt goodbyes before Gotham tries to kill Batman with the laser eyes he has for some reason. Just then, the lasers are deflected and/or absorbed by a shield.

The Justice League has arrived! And not at all six days late!

“Hello, Gotham,” says Superman. “My name is Superman,” says Superman, “and this is the Justice League. “We’re Batman’s friends,” says Superman. “And we’d greatly appreciate it if you would surrender,” says Superman.

The rest of the justice league stares down at this wretch like “do it.” But, instead, like a completely moronic asshat, Gotham clocks Superman in the jaw. It looks like it actually did some damage! Batman is floored.

He contacts Duke. “Mister Thomas. His power. How strong he is, how fast, it’s not fixed. It varies. It adjusts to what he’s fighting. The minimum of what he needs. I need to know how he does it, why he does it. I need you to get Gotham Girl to tell us.”

Duke looks sheepish, as if getting into the conversation will be some sort of cockblock. Gotham Girl continues hugging him; continues saying that she’s scared. Duke is scared, too. “Yeah, well, apparently, Batman just put the fate of the city on me.”

So, here’s the scoop: Gotham and Gotham Girl bought their powers. Like, with money. Strength. Invulnerability. Ultra vision. All for the low, low price of years off their lives. “It was enough for t-two years,” Gotham girl says. “T-two years to save the city. And then we’d… we’d die.”

The kicker is that they can choose overtime. Normal for decades. Super for years. God for hours. Anyway, they bought these powers at Walgreens. And–

You know how God can create a corndog so big that even He couldn’t eat all of it? Gotham can eat that corndog, son.

“He won’t stop until he does what he needs to do,” Duke radios to Batman. Batman is writhing on the ground, surrounded by crumbled concrete. “Fine. Fine. Do it, then. Kill Gotham.”

Duke looks incredulous. Really? You fucking do it, superhero. Duke’s outta here. *throws down mic*

“You want to kill Gotham?” Batman says, nose bleeding, as he approaches the Big Scary Gotham Man. “I AM GOTHAM. KILL ME.”

Ha! A revelation! Gotham likes that idea. That’s much easier than destroying a whole city. That’s why atomic bombs exist. Gotham is just about ready to pulverize Batman before Gotham Girl flies in and knocks Gotham to the ground!

Epilogue monologue! “Later, after we were married, after Bruce did what he did, after he died how he died… after I… after I killed him, I mean. Duke and I, we’d come here once a year, on the anniversary of my brother’s death. Just to take time to remember. Remember that this is where it started. The origin of Gotham Girl. The death of Batman…”

Final Thoughts

That gets a big ol’ “WHATEVER!” from me! See you next time for the thrilling conclusion!

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “I Am Gotham (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, we are treated to a backstory about the origins of Gotham and Gotham Girl, aka Henry and Claire, who pumped iron and read books after Batman saved their family from being mugged and tortured and killed and sent to the eighth dimension where their consciousnesses would be aware in a void for all eternity by some random street tough in the alley.

Batman helps the Gotham Kids save people from a bridge explosion. The caped crusader encourages them to keep on doing what they’re doing, so they both fly to a burning building where Professor Hugo Strange is waiting with, ahem, a man called “Roger Hayden the Psycho-Pirate, Master of All Emotions”.

And I wish that piqued my interest more, but Tom King failed in that respect. Again, I’d rather see more fiery plane crashes. But a man can dream.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [October, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 4)”

Batman is in a burned-out husk of a building. A woman, presumably Gotham Girl, cowers against the wall hugging her legs, repeating “I’m scared. I’m very scared.” Batman reports to Alfred that there are 27 dead soldiers littered around the floor. *kicks bodies* Yes, very dead. “I need you to check the city,” he instructs his butler after telling him that this seems to be the work of someone with Superman-like powers. Better start with Superman. Alfred could wrestle that bitch to the ground, I’d put all my money on it.

Meanwhile, Gotham is stopping a man from jumping off a building and committing the dreaded suicide. After some soothing words and some peppy sentiments, the man decides to say that the Monster Men are coming and presses his thumb against a handheld detonator, blowing the roof off the building and sending all the police flying everywhere. Whoops!

Gotham Girl has been squirreled away to the Batcave where she is still very scared. Alfred offers her coffee, then tea, then some of his patented Cajun Chili with the spices and the zydeco music. Duke Thomas tries to comfort her, probably because he wants to get himself a piece, but then Batman’s voice rings over some hidden intercom. “Mr. Thomas. Have you completed your analysis of the crime scene? Mr. Thomas, I have eyes on Gotham. I need that analysis now.”

Alfred stands there looking like a man who has been beaten by demands and instructions for the last seven decades. He turns to Duke: “We go, Master Duke, where we are needed most.” So Duke groans and grumbles because he needs to step away from the pretty girl and crunch some numbers for the nerd in the bat suit.

Gotham Guy is lifting up large I-Beams and mumbling that he can fix this cacophony of fucked-up-edness. He says this over and over: “I can fix this. I can fix this. I can fix this.” He’s acting like quite the loony toon! A real Daffy Duck! That’s all, folks!

You’re barely even a man. You’re like some sort of ferret.

Batman watches the guy carrying these big, heavy beams and straight-up tells him that he’s just going to make everything worse if he keeps this up. “You don’t know what I can do!” Gotham throws the beam right over Batman’s head and through the windshield of Batman’s goddamned Batmobile. “You’re right, Hank. I don’t. But I thought I did. I looked into you, watched you, tested you. You aren’t hurt like I’m hurt. You aren’t weak like I’m weak. I go down with the plane. You lift it out of the air. I thought I could save this city. Like I never could. So, yes, I thought I knew what you could do.” Now Batman grits his teeth like he’s ready to crack open a delicious walnut. “Before I came across twenty-seven dead men in a burning building.”

This is a revelation for Gotham. “No!” he yells before flying off in another direction, leaving Batman there to shake his head and consider early retirement. At this moment, Duke radios in with some information. He’s like “should I send it to the car” and Batman is like “no, Duke, do not send it to the car” lol lol.

Anyway, the serial numbers on all the dead soldiers’ dog tags? They all add up to 24. No foolin’. 24. The Jack Bauer Special. “I cross-referenced that with your backdoors into the military databases,” Duke continues. “It refers to a unit. Twenty-four, that’s the letter of the unit. The twenty-fourth letter. X.”

Batman growls. “Task Force ‘X’.”

*sinister oboe music plays*

Elsewhere, Amanda Waller (who hired Professor Strangeman) sits at her desk while General or Captain or Admiral or Rear-Admiral or Private First Class or Mr. Military Uniform Esq. tells her not to worry about “him”. “He’s not going to connect this… incident with us. And even if he did, this site isn’t on any books. He can’t find us…” Etc. Etc. Etc. Batman is no match for the government!

Except, and Amanda Waller points this out with grace and poise, that Batman is right behind him at this very moment.

“Ms. Waller,” Batman says with his gravelly gruff. “I think it’s time we talked.” He smashes the military guy’s head against the wall and kicks his gun out of his hand. Waller is calm. “Sure,” she says. Calmly.

Here’s the long and short of it. Ever since you, Batman, showed up in Gotham, the city has been overrun by insane creeps and baddies galore. Joker, Riddler, Penguin, Scarecrow, Two-Face, Sally Struthers. “I was tasked to put out the flames,” Waller says. “I assessed that two of my men would be enough for the job. Psycho-Pirate, who controls emotions, to handle the problems. Hugo Strange, who controls criminals, to handle the Psycho-Pirate.”

Well, it didn’t work! These two are crazy nutso, betrayed the plan, and used the Gotham Kids to kill 27 soldiers in a burning building. If that’s not an lmao I don’t know what is!

But good thing Batman is here to help straighten everything back out! Waller knows where the Psycho-Pirate and Strange are, and she’ll work with Batman. How’s that for an offer you can’t refuse?

Batman eventually figures out, somehow, that Gotham pulled his mask off in the burning building for a split second to cool down. But one of the “dead” soldiers wasn’t really dead. He was just playing possum. He took a picture of Gotham’s pretty face. Ran it through Task Force X databases. Discovered Gotham’s parents. Killed them. And now he’s out for revenge. PETTY.

“Put him down, Gotham,” Batman says as Gotham hoists this motherfucker into the air by his shirt. “This isn’t you. This is Psycho-Pirate.” But Gotham is so crazed with being possessed, or whatever, that he’s ready to kill the guy who killed his parents! PETTY.

Batman says Gotham will just make things worse if he kills the guy. Sounds like a challenge to me!

*sinister bassoon music plays*

“No!” cries Batman like a little treehugger. Gotham grabs Batman’s head. “But, you see, maybe that’s better. Maybe that’s the way it should be.”

He sacrificed everything in the name of keeping Gotham City safe. And for what? Letting the city betray you? “It destroys you!” Gotham yells. “It destroys everything… it destroys everything! In Gotham, the Monster Men are always coming.”

Gotham’s gonna turn into a bad guy. Watch this:

“I can’t fix it. No. No, no, no, I can’t. But I can make it worse. I can just wipe it out. I can’t save Gotham, Batman. But I can kill it before it hurts anyone else.”

Batman just lies there wimpering.

Final Thoughts

OH NO, DID THE POOR WIDDLE “GOOD GUY” GET TRIGGERED AND NOW HE CAN’T HANDLE IT??? Speaking of triggered, I get easily triggered by everything from packing my kids’ lunches in the morning to hearing the word “legislation”, so I’m not one to make fun of anyone getting triggered. But seriously, this guy is fucking triggered. LOL.