Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #6 – “I Am Gotham (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the I Am Gotham storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #6 – “I Am Gotham (Epilogue)”! In the previous installment, Gotham gets so powerful that he is even able to uppercut Superman and hurt him. This is because part of his powers involves strengthening up to and past the point of what’s necessary at the moment. Cool, right? Well, he had suddenly become a bad guy hellbent on destroy Gotham City for about eighteen pages, so not so cool. Unless you want to see Gotham City crushed into rubble like I do.

The funny thing is, Batman arranges to have an entire plane come down and crash on Gotham and he comes out without a scratch. Invulnerable, right? Well, the issue ends with a monologue that starts with “after Gotham died…” without explaining anything. Are we going to see what happened here in the epilogue? Or is it going to be some bullshit? My money’s on bullshit. It’s never not bullshit with these people.


Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #6 [October, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 6)”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #6

“Hank, I heard the best joke. It’s so good. I mean, it’s, like, one of those things where you hear it and you have to go and tell someone. But I, like, didn’t tell it to anyone. I just wanted to tell it to you first, Hank. Anyway, here it goes–”

“–Why don’t you ever see Batman hiding in trees? Because he’s so good at it! HA HA HA HA!”

Gotham Girl cuts off all her hair and buzzes it down while she’s saying all this. It’s the universal action of “that bitch gone crazy”. This was Monday.

On Tuesday, a screaming lunatic in a blimp, aptly named “Colonel Blimp”, wants 30,000,000 dollars in thirty minutes or else the submarine he’s towing behind him will get… well, not dropped in the ocean, obviously. But something will happen to it!

Hairless Gotham Girl crashes through the blimp cockpit and shoves the Blimp Guy out of the blimp. While this guy is screaming, Gotham Girl talks to herself some more. “Ugh, Hank, I’m tired. I stayed up too late last night watching, like, old reruns. They were showing some of those shows that we watching in the morning, on the kitchen TV…”

There’s a lot more of this while she swoops down, catches the screaming guy, and dons his sexy purple Blimp Hat.

“I’ve been thinking about Mom,” she says as she literally drops this guy off in front of the police station. “Did you ever think Mom was almost too judgmental sometimes?”

Looney toons over here fights crime while mumbling inanities. It’s the superhero Gotham City needs! Better than that bat guy. Who was that guy again?

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #6

Don’t you just hate it when you’re driven mad by the Psycho-Pirate after your whole family was killed? Really grinds my gears.

On Wednesday, Duke Thomas annoys Batman like a pesky gnat telling him things he already knows. “Gotham Girl is crazy” and “We have to save her” and “My dick is stuck in my zipper again”.

On Thursday, Gotham Girl looks over the nighttime skyline comments on its beauty, talking to her dead brother. “Isn’t it beautiful?” she says to him (dead).

On Friday, she gets distracted from talking by faint begging in the long distance. It appears that a dandy fop named Captain Stingaree, a piratey-type with his billowing captain’s coat and his luscious eyepatch, has kidnapped a group of pudgy, misshapen men in Batman costumes. He’s making one of them walk the plank, which hangs over the edge of a tall building. “Karl, listen. Please…” begs one of the Batmans. Batmen? “You got to get your meds, man. That’s all… just… please…”

BUT CAPTAIN STINGAREE KNOWS NOT ABOUT MEDS! THIS IS ABOUT KILLING THE BATMAN! WHICH IS YOU! Exhibit A: the Batman costume, of course! Check and mate, dear sir. “Tonight, the sharks’ll feast mightily out of Davy Jones’ locker!”

Then Karl Stingaree shoves this guy off the edge and turns to the other Batmen. “Ahoy, me hearties! Which of ye Batmans is to be next?”

In swoops Gotham Girl ready to throw this landlubber down to the briny deep! She beats the shit out of him until the real Batman shows up on the roof. “We need to talk,” he says, which has become a bit of a catchphrase as of late.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #6

He smells like onions, though. Hey Hank, you’ve always liked onions…

“You need help. I can help you,” he tells her.

“Hank…” she responds dreamily. “I wish…”

“You’re in pain. I can help with the pain. Come with me. Let me help you.”

“Hank… Hank… It’s…” She frowns. “Batman…” She smiles. “It’s Batman! It’s really Batman!” She flies away blissfully, leaving Batman on the roof like some sort of fucking loser who can’t fly.

Batman radios Alfred and asks him – because he was bluffing the whole time – what he did to help him when his own parents died. “Master Bruce, with all due respect…” Alfred begins, which doesn’t bode well. “Each night you leave this perfectly lovely house and go leaping off buildings dressed as a giant bat. Do you really think I helped you?”

Fuckin’ Alfred, man. Always delivers.

On Saturday, a guy named Kite Man, like this was goddamned Mega Man or something, crashes through the window of a very ornately decorated room of rich, well-dressed occupants. He steals pearls right off of a woman’s neck and crashes through another window on his way out. What’s with all the jumping through windows all the time? Lacerations are the #3 killer in America!

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #6

Don’t get cocky, Kite Man. Have you met Kite-Eating Tree Man?

“Kite man. Hell yeah,” he says as he hang-glides to safety. And by “to safety” I mean “right into Gotham Girl’s trajectory where she intercepts his ass and drops him off at the police station while talking to ‘Hank’ about the joke she already said she heard that wasn’t funny in the first place”.

Batman catches Gotham Girl’s attention by shining 1,000,000 candelas of Batsignal light in her eyeballs. “I need to know something,” he says quietly. “I need to know why you’re helping this city.”

Gotham Girl swoops down to the roof to meet Batman. “Hank, you think Batman would understand, right?”

Batman glares with intense impatience.

“But no one understands, really. I mean, except you. You always understood. When it hurts… so much… when you’re alone…”

Batman face falls to sad-sacky Frown Town.

“Helping Gotham… it makes it hurt less.”

In short, she feels like she has no choice. She has to help Gotham.

Batman has had enough. He takes off his cowl and shows her his face in all its majestic Bruce Wayneness. He tells her all about his murdered parents, about how he started talking to his mother for a while afterward, about how he still kind of does. They both hug it out.

“I don’t feel good,” she cries.

“I know.”

“I just miss him.”

“I know.”

WHAT DON’T YOU KNOW, KNOW-IT-ALL? Fucking know-it-all over here.

Anyway, epilogue to the epilogue. Amanda Waller talks to Batman about Professor Hugo Strange. He’s nowhere to be found anymore. “He caused a series of disasters around Gotham in order to gain control of Psycho-Pirate. He then apparently… exchanged the pirate for a significant quantity of Venom.”

Psycho-Pirate is in Santa Prisca with Bane. Bane was behind this all along! That scamp! There’s a lot of work to do if you want to avenge Gotham Girl and her dead family.

But… Amanda Waller can help… oh yes yes…

And we’ll find out why another time!

Final Thoughts

*DUSTS OFF HANDS* ANOTHER BATMAN STORY IN THE BOOKS. Check back next time when Batman steals a stack of Hustler magazines and starts licking the centerfolds in the Batcave bathroom.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #4

* Part 4 of 5 of the Survival of the Fittest storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #4! In the previous installment, the Dark Riders continue trying to kill healers while this F-list X-Men team tries to save all the healers they can and drop them off in Genosha where they will be “safe”. How? I have no idea. I don’t particularly give a shit, either.

I looked up a picture of Cullen Bunn and he looks like the kind of “nice guy” who thinks he’s owed sex after every platonic encounter with a woman, even if she’s a waitress at T.G.I. Friday’s. He also looks like a less albino version of Brother Ali, which is not a compliment.


Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [May, 2016]
Written by: Cullen Bunn

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #4

The New York branch of the Hellfire Club are enjoying a festive masquerade, replete with alcohol, dancing, and orgy rooms. And while 99% of the patrons are wearing traditional eye-masks and ornate, flowery hats, one guy is standing there suspiciously with a fucking ninja hood. One woman points out that this man looks more… interesting… than the rest of the crowd. She then asks the guy to ask her to dance, which he obliges.

The charade is over. These two know each other. One is Fantomex. The other is Mystique. They’re about 15 kinds of coy with each other. Fantomex wishes Mystique was dead, lol. Mystique wishes Fantomex would just fuck her and get it over with, lol lol. Fantomex doesn’t have much time for any games. “I’ve discovered something new in regards to our friends at the Someday Corporation. The mutants under their ‘protection’ have become little more than lab rats… experimented upon… augmented with technology I know all too–”

Mystique shushes Fantomex and tells him the Inner Council doesn’t have time for his discovery. The Inner Council wants the two of them to work together now to send Someday a message. And it’s this: “There’s a bomb in the lasagna.” Ha! Do you get the reference? If so, you’re as sad as I am.

Fantomex groans about this new arrangement while the laugh track roars. WHAT WACKY HIJINKS WILL THESE TWO ASSUREDLY GET INTO???

Let’s see what’s going on in Genosha right now. Triage is talking to Magneto. Magneto plans to send his scrappy team of literal misfits to fight the Dark Riders. “They’re Inhumans… at least some of them are… chosen by Apocalypse to cull the weak from the Earth,” Triage confirms. Magneto agrees. “What I’m saying is…” Triage continues. “There’s a good chance some of your crew is going to get jacked up.”

Yeah, no shit. Jacked up is the least of what will happen. That’s why Magneto has a healer next to him in Genosha. So he can be uninvolved in helping. Make sense? No? Well, allow Grandpa Magneto to explain himself:

“The Dark Riders view the current state of the world – the Terrigen mists that are killing our people – as a kind of weaponized natural selection. They are targeting mutant healers in some bid to speed our race on its way to extinction. Taking you on a mission that brings us into direct conflict with our enemies–”

Triage gets it. That’s some not-smarty stuff. “You must realize you can’t protect us all,” Triage tells Magneto. Magneto is silent at this smarty response. We’ll see how this will pan out (everyone but Triage will be killed, and Triage will rule the mutants and rename himself “Mr. Healer” is my guess).

Meanwhile, the Dark Riders are in Tibet with Xorn who doesn’t seem to be afraid that the one called Barrage is pointing a ginormous gun at the back of his head.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #4

What he’s saying is that Xorn can’t stop masturbating in front of them. It’s enough to make a grown man blush.

“It’s strange…” Xorn says, gun in his face. “You talk about the death of the mutant race, but you have mutants among you.”

They argue about mutants for a few panels. Xorn posits that even if they kill every mutant healer on Earth, there is of course the possibility that healing can show up as a secondary mutation in the existing population. Then what, jive turkey?

Xorn then scares the Dark Riders by killing Barrage with brain electricity, and then the Dark Riders teleport out of there to Egypt.

“This isn’t right! Whines Deadbolt, the glowing blue skeleton man. “We’re strong! Barrage was strong! He wasn’t meant to fall… not to some pacifist monk!”

One of the Dark Riders shuts up Deadbolt by erasing his fear and doubt and replacing it with the True Gospel, which sounds sketchy as hell and not something I’d sign up for personally.

Meanwhile, Psylocke and M and the Third-Rate Wolverine are flying around Egypt looking for the Dark Riders’ hideout. Psylocke knows they’re here somewhere because she scanned their minds! You know, because any other way would be silly.

Archangel flies out nowhere and crashes into an ancient pyramid, obliterating it. Now that they’ve opened up an entrance, it’s time to infiltrate their filthy pyramid lair. They all jump out of the aircraft without a parachute – they even mention how jumping out of an aircraft without a parachute is batshit crazy – and then land softly and safely.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Smells like grandma’s catheter bag.

After trying to sneak around clandestinely and unnecessarily arguing amongst themselves, the X-Men get ambushed by the Dark Riders. The fight is long, rife with one-liners and other forms of talking that only serve to waste time.

Harddrive, a Dark Rider who is plugged into many computers, keeps an eye on the fight and on Triage/Magneto hanging around Genosha. Tabs, you know. Gotta keep ‘em on people.

In a brilliant flash of purple light, probably because they were losing like dogs, the Dark Riders teleport out of the fray. “I think this fight was pointless for them,” Psylocke says grumpily. “We aren’t their targets.”

It’s about this moment that the stones collapse over the X-Men, trapping them in the ruins of the pyramid. Psylocke realizes that this is a diversion while they go after Triage and Magneto in Genosha.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Affirmative. The Dark Riders are going to make us eat our own rectums. Roger that.

Obviously, Magneto is prepared.

A brilliant flash of purple light appears in the sky. The Dark Riders are here!

Final Thoughts

I need to reiterate that I DO NOT FUCKING CARE about any of this X-Men team. Why am I reading this? I should have done my research.

Where’s Scott Summers? I’d rather watch him cry for hours than read whatever the hell this is.

Huff.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “I Am Gotham (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the I Am Gotham storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “I Am Gotham (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Gotham Girl is traumatized and Duke Thomas takes advantage of the situation for four panels before Alfred tells him to go away. Gotham Dude can’t take the pressure of superhero activities. He accidentally gets his parents killed and he snaps, all like “GOTHAM CITY WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE, SO I MUST DESTROY GOTHAM CITY!” Now Batman has his work cut out for him, and he’s going to have to slap the hell dick out of his mouth and get him back to reality. That’ll be the last two issues of the story, guaranteed.

Duke Thomas is supposed to be the new Robin but I haven’t seen him once put on the sexy red, yellow, and green Robin costume with the eye mask and the codpiece. Will DC ever read my letters??


Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [October, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 5)”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Yeah, covert art! Fuck you, Batman! Get your ass kicked! Stain the world with your blood!

The first thing Batman does is cry to Alfred about Gotham. He’s going to destroy the city if we don’t hurry! “I’m on my way,” Alfred says. “But I won’t be there in time.”

UNACCEPTABLE! Get your tender ass here pronto, Alfred!

So Alfred backpedals and says “ugh, fine”. But he gets a glint in his eye as he dons his own Batman costume and sits at the wheel of the Batmobile. He looks like he’s ready to uppercut a bitch. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my dude fucks.

Before you know it, Alfred drives the car right into Gotham’s back at 196 miles per hour. This would kill a rhinoceros, but we both know that Gotham’s going to get up right away and grit his teeth and—oh, there he goes.

“Fear not, the citizens of Gotham,” Alfred announces to no one in particular. “The Dark Knight has returned!”

Gotham looks at this fucking guy with the John Waters pencil mustache, tries to argue with him that he’s not actually Batman while Alfred weakly defends his initial point that, yes, he is indeed Batman.

The two-minute distraction worked. The real Batman shows up, much to Alfred-Batman’s relief. “Oh, thank God,” Alfred says, relieved.

Batman starts kicking Gotham around the face area and politely tells him that they need to chat. Then Batman pulls out a detonator and pushes the button while politely telling him that they need to chat. His Batmobile blows up, raining organ-lacerating shrapnel all over the place at the speed of sound and surrounding Gotham with fire and smoke. Killing nobody.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Just get another one out of one of those Japanese car vending machines that have on the side of the highway.

Duke Thomas is watching the action on Batman’s many screens; apparently, Batman has installed 190,000 cameras all over the city to keep surveillance. 185,000 of those are in public women’s bathrooms! “What is this?” asks Gotham Girl behind Duke. She’s still disoriented by being infected by the Psycho-Pirate. While Gotham is mad with rage, Gotham Girl is still uncontrollably fearful. You can tell because she stammers and has her eyebrows pointed in the direction of worry.

“Stop. Listen,” Batman growls at Gotham. “I understand. You got hit. Hit hard. And now you’re hurt. But just because you’re hurt. Doesn’t mean you get to hurt my city.”

Ah, there it is. The GOTHAM IS MYYYY CITY, NOT ANYONE ELSE’S, WAAAAHHH!!! stuff. We all knew this was coming the moment this dude showed up and said “I am Gotham.”

Gotham is defiant. “What are you going to do, Batman? Shoot a rope at me?”

Batman shoots a rope, but not at him. “No, Gotham. I’m going to crash a plane into you.”

Buh?

Batman grapples out of the way while Batman’s Batplane just falls from the fucking sky and lands on Gotham’s head.

The only thing Gotham says is “No.”

Batman then gets Alfred on the horn and asks him to “make the call”, which either means he’s ordering pizza or contacting the President. Alfred is astonished to be asked to perform such a task! It has never happened! Is Mr. Sir absolutely sure?? “Yes, Alfred. I’m certain.”

Gotham Girl, watching the footage of her brother get creamed by an entire airplane, becomes so stricken with grief that she throws a glass case containing a Robin uniform right at the console, smashing all the screens and ruining $4.5 trillion worth of equipment. Duke tells her to calm down, ho. Gotham Girl accepts Duke’s embrace. “I’m alone,” she says in a small voice.

And, for some absolute batshit reason that eludes me, Gotham is still alive and unharmed.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Think of Gotham City as the biggest unlubricated dildo in the world and it’ll all make sense.

Batman agrees that Gotham City cannot be saved. So Gotham and Batman exchange heartfelt goodbyes before Gotham tries to kill Batman with the laser eyes he has for some reason. Just then, the lasers are deflected and/or absorbed by a shield.

The Justice League has arrived! And not at all six days late!

“Hello, Gotham,” says Superman. “My name is Superman,” says Superman, “and this is the Justice League. “We’re Batman’s friends,” says Superman. “And we’d greatly appreciate it if you would surrender,” says Superman.

The rest of the justice league stares down at this wretch like “do it.” But, instead, like a completely moronic asshat, Gotham clocks Superman in the jaw. It looks like it actually did some damage! Batman is floored.

He contacts Duke. “Mister Thomas. His power. How strong he is, how fast, it’s not fixed. It varies. It adjusts to what he’s fighting. The minimum of what he needs. I need to know how he does it, why he does it. I need you to get Gotham Girl to tell us.”

Duke looks sheepish, as if getting into the conversation will be some sort of cockblock. Gotham Girl continues hugging him; continues saying that she’s scared. Duke is scared, too. “Yeah, well, apparently, Batman just put the fate of the city on me.”

So, here’s the scoop: Gotham and Gotham Girl bought their powers. Like, with money. Strength. Invulnerability. Ultra vision. All for the low, low price of years off their lives. “It was enough for t-two years,” Gotham girl says. “T-two years to save the city. And then we’d… we’d die.”

The kicker is that they can choose overtime. Normal for decades. Super for years. God for hours. Anyway, they bought these powers at Walgreens. And–

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #5

You know how God can create a corndog so big that even He couldn’t eat all of it? Gotham can eat that corndog, son.

“He won’t stop until he does what he needs to do,” Duke radios to Batman. Batman is writhing on the ground, surrounded by crumbled concrete. “Fine. Fine. Do it, then. Kill Gotham.”

Duke looks incredulous. Really? You fucking do it, superhero. Duke’s outta here. *throws down mic*

“You want to kill Gotham?” Batman says, nose bleeding, as he approaches the Big Scary Gotham Man. “I AM GOTHAM. KILL ME.”

Ha! A revelation! Gotham likes that idea. That’s much easier than destroying a whole city. That’s why atomic bombs exist. Gotham is just about ready to pulverize Batman before Gotham Girl flies in and knocks Gotham to the ground!

Epilogue monologue! “Later, after we were married, after Bruce did what he did, after he died how he died… after I… after I killed him, I mean. Duke and I, we’d come here once a year, on the anniversary of my brother’s death. Just to take time to remember. Remember that this is where it started. The origin of Gotham Girl. The death of Batman…”

Final Thoughts

That gets a big ol’ “WHATEVER!” from me! See you next time for the thrilling conclusion!

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #3

* Part 3 of 5 of the Survival of the Fittest storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #3! In the previous installment, who cares. I don’t like this series one bit. Let’s just keep it rolling.


Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [April, 2016]
Written by: Cullen Bunn

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Uh oh, Magneto literally has blood on his hands! The cover art is a little on the nose already! What other allusions, metaphors and idioms are they going to shove down my throat today?

There is a protest outside Seattle, Washington’s M-Pox Crisis Center. “Mutants = Disease” says one sign. “Don’t Bring Sickness” says another. “Finish the Damn Book, George R. R. Martin” on yet another! Psylocke maneuvers through the crowd incognito, and by that I mean she has her big pink lightning bolt-esque eye-mask thing on. Magneto’s with her looking all dolled-up Magneto-style. “I can tweak the surface thoughts of everyone in the crowd as long as they’re distracted. They can’t see us.”

You better hope not, baby. The crowd looks like they’re going to eat a bunch of mutants for breakfast like so many Berry Berry Kix. They sneak into a tent where Triage is hanging out healing M-Pox victims much to Psylocke’s surprise. But Triage, rubbing his sleepy eyes, tells her that the cure is only temporary. He then looks straight into Magneto’s face and says “Magneto…”, so now everyone is up to speed!

“I thought you were dead or something,” says Triage. “But here you are.”

Like a bad habit, son.

Triage wants to help mutants, but he’s done with the X-Men. Fuck the X-Men and the big, beautiful horses they rode in on.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #3

We can throw your bones in a sack and dump them out an airplane, too, if you’d rather do it that way? I’m game.

Psylocke’s lockey-senses start tingling. “…they’re here. I’m picking up three of them.”

Oh no! Not the Rough Riders! Or the Dirty Riders! Or whatever they’re called, I don’t remember! They’re here to shove Triage’s buttcheeks up into his anal cavity! Run!

“All mutant healers have been marked for death,” Psylocke says with a face that suggests she’s mad at Triage for not knowing this already. “You’re next.”

Magneto says “I’ll deal with the riders” and then he makes them pancakes.

The Dark Riders try to use wind powers to blow tents out of the way, revealing that sweet, sweet healer man candy, but Magneto is here to distract them with some boogity-boogity glowing eyeballs. And he warns Psylocke not to stop him or else it’ll be her butthole that she’ll be pulling Triage’s buttcheeks out of.

While Magneto distracts them, Psylocke attempts to penetrate their brain skulls. But they’ve been trained to resist psychic intrusion! So now what? Well, since Magneto is distracting them, Psylocke is able to penetrate their brain skulls. That seems awfully underwhelming, you know.

In about four seconds, Psylocke is done and now they have everything that they need. Magneto, you can now fuck them up royally with your ultra magnets and your dipoles and your what-have-you. And after he does that (and he does it quite gruesomely, I may add), he turns back to Triage. “Now, Mr. Muse… as my associate mentioned… you need to come with us.”

Triage doesn’t wanna. He needs to be here treating the M-Pox. Magneto informs this sucker that the Dark Riders will just send more forces next time. Buttcheeks and buttholes, remember? You’re in deep doo-doo unless you come with the big, scary X-Men.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #3

Awww, I wanted to make a sign. It would have said “The X-Men suck and Wolverine smells like a dead cat”.

Triage asks straight up if these X-Men are going to stop the dudes killing all the healers, and the answer is “sorta”. The problem is that the Dark Riders have a head start. They’ve already killed a million billion healers and there’s just you and Yuna from Final Fantasy X left.

Speaking of nothing I just talked about, Monet “M” St. Croix flies to Tibet to barge into a Buddhist temple to deliver a warning to some sittin’-cross-legged menacing figure shrouded in white with glowing turquoise eyes. Always with the glowing eyes. “I know who you are,” says the figure. “And I know of the grim tidings that have brought you before me. While I appreciate your concern… I hope you will also respect my wishes when I say… I have no intention of leaving this place.”

Why? It looks like a dank shithole to me. Is it rent-controlled? Is that what it is? The figure is named Shen Xorn, and after some quick research on Ask Jeeves I became bored to tears so I stopped looking him up. Monet tells the healing mutant that bad guys are coming to hurt the healing mutants. And that means him. He’s not taking it seriously.

Monet informs the guy, who has been living under a rock since Obama brought some sass to the White House, that mutants are dying, Terrigen mists are sweeping the continents, and democracy is crumbling in Hungary.

Xorn offers Monet tea.

Isolation gets boring after a while, actually, right? Come with the X-Men and they can protect you while you chat with Wolverine about… armpits. “If the mists find me here, so be it,” Xorn says, sipping his drink. “And if these hunters you warn me about come for me… perhaps I will offer them tea. In any case, I am prepared for the fate that lies before me.”

Sounds like a real manly man, this guy. Meanwhile, Triage has been successfully scooped up by Magneto and Psylocke and they’re flying in the Magneto Jet talking about why the Dark Riders want the healers dead.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 4), Issue #3

It’s probably because you talked hella smack about their mamas.

Magneto and Psylocke fill him in on the whole thing. It’s because of natural selection being interrupted and also because healers aren’t very environmentally friendly. Littering all over the fucking place, honestly.

So here’s the bright idea: Magneto and Co. are smuggling all of the healers and whisking them away to Genosha. The Magneto Jet lands in the dry, dusty desert where, once upon a time, Magneto was trying to build a mutant colony as a refuge. Because that would have been fun. Hey, mutants. How about some sand for dinner?

Magneto reminisces about how a rogue sentinel killed 16,000,000 mutants (eek!) and how a Terrigen mist cloud killed 60 more (ook!). So that was the end of that idea. “Now… Genosha is naught but a staging ground for war,” Magneto says bleakly.

Sabretooth is already there waiting, and he wastes no time being scary and intimidating for no reason with Tirage. Then he briefs Magneto and Psylocke on Monet’s failure in Tibet. Meanwhile, Psylocke was able to figure out “the hole” where the Dark Riders are hiding. They’re going to carpet bomb the place! With kisses!

Tirage realizes that he is the only healing that these second-rate X-Men were able to save. When this is brought to Magneto’s attention, he absent-mindedly goes “we’re gonna carpet bomb the Dark Riders’ hideout with kisses, son.”

Meanwhile, at the Someday Corporation storage facility, some guy who fancies himself as Fantomex snoops around with a couple of companions. “The Hellfire Club went to a lot of trouble to locate this little warehouse,” he says. “Now that we’re here, let’s make the most of our time.”

*gets out the Twister mat*

They find a room packed with stasis tubes. “Look at them all,” Fantomex says. “Mutants who have willingly placed themselves in a state of suspended animation… hoping to one day wake up in a better world.”

And then it’s a whole bunch of BRAKKA BRAKKA BRAKKA BRAKKA BRAKKA BRAKKA BRAKKA!! That’s gunfire, you see. Should’ve been obvious from the onomatopoeia, right? Anyway, Fantomex gets away in his weird pink spaceship and starts talking to Mystique on the videophone.

The plot thickens.

?

Final Thoughts

Fuck this shit. It took me three sessions to get through this write-up and I’m not about to let this shitty comic ruin my day. Except it already has! My lividity knows no bounds.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “I Am Gotham (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the I Am Gotham storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “I Am Gotham (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, we are treated to a backstory about the origins of Gotham and Gotham Girl, aka Henry and Claire, who pumped iron and read books after Batman saved their family from being mugged and tortured and killed and sent to the eighth dimension where their consciousnesses would be aware in a void for all eternity by some random street tough in the alley.

Batman helps the Gotham Kids save people from a bridge explosion. The caped crusader encourages them to keep on doing what they’re doing, so they both fly to a burning building where Professor Hugo Strange is waiting with, ahem, a man called “Roger Hayden the Psycho-Pirate, Master of All Emotions”.

And I wish that piqued my interest more, but Tom King failed in that respect. Again, I’d rather see more fiery plane crashes. But a man can dream.


Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [October, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 4)”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4

Batman is in a burned-out husk of a building. A woman, presumably Gotham Girl, cowers against the wall hugging her legs, repeating “I’m scared. I’m very scared.” Batman reports to Alfred that there are 27 dead soldiers littered around the floor. *kicks bodies* Yes, very dead. “I need you to check the city,” he instructs his butler after telling him that this seems to be the work of someone with Superman-like powers. Better start with Superman. Alfred could wrestle that bitch to the ground, I’d put all my money on it.

Meanwhile, Gotham is stopping a man from jumping off a building and committing the dreaded suicide. After some soothing words and some peppy sentiments, the man decides to say that the Monster Men are coming and presses his thumb against a handheld detonator, blowing the roof off the building and sending all the police flying everywhere. Whoops!

Gotham Girl has been squirreled away to the Batcave where she is still very scared. Alfred offers her coffee, then tea, then some of his patented Cajun Chili with the spices and the zydeco music. Duke Thomas tries to comfort her, probably because he wants to get himself a piece, but then Batman’s voice rings over some hidden intercom. “Mr. Thomas. Have you completed your analysis of the crime scene? Mr. Thomas, I have eyes on Gotham. I need that analysis now.”

Alfred stands there looking like a man who has been beaten by demands and instructions for the last seven decades. He turns to Duke: “We go, Master Duke, where we are needed most.” So Duke groans and grumbles because he needs to step away from the pretty girl and crunch some numbers for the nerd in the bat suit.

Gotham Guy is lifting up large I-Beams and mumbling that he can fix this cacophony of fucked-up-edness. He says this over and over: “I can fix this. I can fix this. I can fix this.” He’s acting like quite the loony toon! A real Daffy Duck! That’s all, folks!

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4

You’re barely even a man. You’re like some sort of ferret.

Batman watches the guy carrying these big, heavy beams and straight-up tells him that he’s just going to make everything worse if he keeps this up. “You don’t know what I can do!” Gotham throws the beam right over Batman’s head and through the windshield of Batman’s goddamned Batmobile. “You’re right, Hank. I don’t. But I thought I did. I looked into you, watched you, tested you. You aren’t hurt like I’m hurt. You aren’t weak like I’m weak. I go down with the plane. You lift it out of the air. I thought I could save this city. Like I never could. So, yes, I thought I knew what you could do.” Now Batman grits his teeth like he’s ready to crack open a delicious walnut. “Before I came across twenty-seven dead men in a burning building.”

This is a revelation for Gotham. “No!” he yells before flying off in another direction, leaving Batman there to shake his head and consider early retirement. At this moment, Duke radios in with some information. He’s like “should I send it to the car” and Batman is like “no, Duke, do not send it to the car” lol lol.

Anyway, the serial numbers on all the dead soldiers’ dog tags? They all add up to 24. No foolin’. 24. The Jack Bauer Special. “I cross-referenced that with your backdoors into the military databases,” Duke continues. “It refers to a unit. Twenty-four, that’s the letter of the unit. The twenty-fourth letter. X.”

Batman growls. “Task Force ‘X’.”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4

*sinister oboe music plays*

Elsewhere, Amanda Waller (who hired Professor Strangeman) sits at her desk while General or Captain or Admiral or Rear-Admiral or Private First Class or Mr. Military Uniform Esq. tells her not to worry about “him”. “He’s not going to connect this… incident with us. And even if he did, this site isn’t on any books. He can’t find us…” Etc. Etc. Etc. Batman is no match for the government!

Except, and Amanda Waller points this out with grace and poise, that Batman is right behind him at this very moment.

“Ms. Waller,” Batman says with his gravelly gruff. “I think it’s time we talked.” He smashes the military guy’s head against the wall and kicks his gun out of his hand. Waller is calm. “Sure,” she says. Calmly.

Here’s the long and short of it. Ever since you, Batman, showed up in Gotham, the city has been overrun by insane creeps and baddies galore. Joker, Riddler, Penguin, Scarecrow, Two-Face, Sally Struthers. “I was tasked to put out the flames,” Waller says. “I assessed that two of my men would be enough for the job. Psycho-Pirate, who controls emotions, to handle the problems. Hugo Strange, who controls criminals, to handle the Psycho-Pirate.”

Well, it didn’t work! These two are crazy nutso, betrayed the plan, and used the Gotham Kids to kill 27 soldiers in a burning building. If that’s not an lmao I don’t know what is!

But good thing Batman is here to help straighten everything back out! Waller knows where the Psycho-Pirate and Strange are, and she’ll work with Batman. How’s that for an offer you can’t refuse?

Batman eventually figures out, somehow, that Gotham pulled his mask off in the burning building for a split second to cool down. But one of the “dead” soldiers wasn’t really dead. He was just playing possum. He took a picture of Gotham’s pretty face. Ran it through Task Force X databases. Discovered Gotham’s parents. Killed them. And now he’s out for revenge. PETTY.

“Put him down, Gotham,” Batman says as Gotham hoists this motherfucker into the air by his shirt. “This isn’t you. This is Psycho-Pirate.” But Gotham is so crazed with being possessed, or whatever, that he’s ready to kill the guy who killed his parents! PETTY.

Batman says Gotham will just make things worse if he kills the guy. Sounds like a challenge to me!

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #4

*sinister bassoon music plays*

“No!” cries Batman like a little treehugger. Gotham grabs Batman’s head. “But, you see, maybe that’s better. Maybe that’s the way it should be.”

He sacrificed everything in the name of keeping Gotham City safe. And for what? Letting the city betray you? “It destroys you!” Gotham yells. “It destroys everything… it destroys everything! In Gotham, the Monster Men are always coming.”

Gotham’s gonna turn into a bad guy. Watch this:

“I can’t fix it. No. No, no, no, I can’t. But I can make it worse. I can just wipe it out. I can’t save Gotham, Batman. But I can kill it before it hurts anyone else.”

Batman just lies there wimpering.

Final Thoughts

OH NO, DID THE POOR WIDDLE “GOOD GUY” GET TRIGGERED AND NOW HE CAN’T HANDLE IT??? Speaking of triggered, I get easily triggered by everything from packing my kids’ lunches in the morning to hearing the word “legislation”, so I’m not one to make fun of anyone getting triggered. But seriously, this guy is fucking triggered. LOL.