Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.3 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Clayton Cole becomes Clash, the nerdiest superhero since that spider kid. Clash tries to pay Spider-Man to take a fall in a fight against him, but Spider-Man shoots him with webs and says “not today”.

Peter Parker is still skipping school to perform circus acts for money, and Aunt May opens his room to discover a heinous secret!

I wonder what it could be? Poop smeared on the walls? Is Peter some sort of disgusting pervert? Serious lol if true

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.3 [September, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 3)”

Clayton is on his computer trying to make his Clashiness go viral. After all, he’s the one who recorded the Crusher Hogan fight and made Spider-Man a superstar in the first place! If he could do it for Spider-Man, then he can do it for himself.

(spoiler alert: he won’t)

It’s because he’s reviewing the footage of their fight and it’s just a bunch of Spider-Man making Clash look like an absolute fucking loser. “I can’t use any of this,” he complains, gritting his teeth. “CAN’T USE ANY OF IT!”

Clayton’s mom knocks on his door and tells him to knock it off with the yellin’ and the screamin’. He uses SCIENCE to create a sound bubble around himself and continues blasting his Tegan and Sara while he seethes and rants to himself. “I worshipped him! I did everything for him! And this’s how he repays me?! How could he be such a jerk!…” yada yada yada. And lo’, an enemy has been created. Tough titties, Spidey.

Speaking of the devil, Peter Parker comes home at like 4am to find his bedroom door unlocked and open. Oh no! Did he leave buckets of web spooge all over the place? Or, eek, his costume? If Aunt May were to find out she would blow a cow.

“Peter, we need to talk,” says Aunt May who is sitting in Peter’s room waiting.

Peter Parker Poops his Pickled Pants. “Aunt May?”

“I know what you’ve been up to. Out all hours. Your sullen mood. The odd behavior.”

Peter gibbers for a spell, then Aunt May accuses him of cooking and selling drugs. The room smells like formaldehyde and there’s a fat wad of cash in an envelope. “Don’t lie to me, Peter.”

Yeah, that’s right. Believe what I’m saying, you dumb old lady.

This is the part where I lol if Peter is like “you got me, Auntie. I’m selling the drugs!” in order to keep his identity a secret. Peter smiles suspiciously and makes up some story about finding it under the back door. He may as well say he found a big sack of money with a dollar sign on it.

“And the chemicals?” May asks. Peter calls it junk, and then backpedals and says it’s for science experiments to prepare for the… uh… big science fair! $10,000 prize, Auntie! We can afford a real funeral for Uncle Ben now and get his rotting corpse out of your closet!

Peter shows her a little bit of the special Spider-Man web fluid. “See? This isn’t drugs. It’s a new super-adhesive I’ve been working on. Sticks anything to… well, anything.”

Aunt May is relieved that her delinquent nephew isn’t huffing paint thinner. Peter considers submitting his web junk to the science fair, but then J. Jonah Jameson would have his ass carted to maximum security prison after putting two and two together. “Man, my life’s become a big ol’ mess lately, hasn’t it?” he thinks. Aw, shucks.

The Big Science Fair Is Upon Us! Parker’s geeky AV club friends are setting up their ant farms and their exploding toilets when they notice Clayton in the corner strumming on a guitar. Polly, one of the geeky science dweeby Dungeons & Dragons nerds, approaches Clayton to compliment his playing. Clayton is like “AHHH, A GIRL!”

After some uncomfortable pseudo-flirting, Clayton explains his polyphonic “science rock” music which causes every vagina in the room to dry up and shrivel. They start talking about superheroes and how they’re showing up everywhere lately. “I was into Spider-Man for a while. Now not so much,” he says darkly. He then invites Polly to check out his booth on Saturday where he’ll be superheroing or something. He’ll probably kill a few people by accident. Should be fun!

Parker still doesn’t have a good idea for the science fair and it starts in, like, an hour. He overhears some kids in class talking about wanting to see a close-up photo of the vulture, but no one has been able to snap a good shot. This gives him an idea!

It contains 43 gigbytes of pictures of Uncle Ben’s penis that you should probably delete.

He wriggles into his Spider-Man onesie and hits the town looking for the Vulture to snap some real boss photos for the front page of the newspaper! Should be easy, right? The Vulture is 100 years old, he doesn’t move very fast anymore. Maybe he’ll catch him laying an egg.

Then Vulture swoops down and steals Spidey’s camera. Ha!

So he tries some sort of body cam, the kind that they show as evidence when some cop beats the shit out of a black kid for buying Biggie fries at Wendy’s. He gets some impossible shots of himself fighting Vulture close-up. J. Jonah Jameson salivates over them when Parker brings them in. “With pictures like these I can almost stand living in the city with Spider-Man!” he jubilates. Peter’s got a job now with the Daily Bugle (cleaning toilets) and now he can afford to buy Aunt May the best colostomy bag on the market! Huzzah!

It’s Actually Science Fair Time Now. Peter Parker has made an anti-magnet that makes forks hover. The judges are not impressed, and Parker’s nerdlinger friends are embarrassed.

Aunt May is there to support Peter and she meets his friends. Friends! Imagine that! “Oh my! Peter never told me he had a friend who was a girl,” Aunt May says after meeting Polly, which makes Peter’s testicles jump up into his throat. May asks Polly if she likes beef stew. All this diversion allows Clayton to sneak around the fair looking quite fishy…

Yo, it’s a pepper grinder, bitch.

Aunt May decides to embarrass Peter further by scoping out Mr. Flannigan and leaving the two lovebirds to talk about sex or whatever it is kids talk about these days. Peter shows Polly his stupid anti-magnetic dildo while she points out how everyone in the fair is dressed like a superhero that is apt to their project. The kid in the Thing costume has a rock collection. The kid in the Mr. Fantastic costume is showing the magic of rubber. And so on and so forth.

The action is halted by the sounds of SONIC-BLAST BOOTS! Clash enters the room! “Ears out, true believers! Get ready to give it up for… CLASH, THE SUPERSTAR OF SOUND!”

Parker is irate. This buttfucker again? Jumpin’ jeepers, sir, he could hurt someone! Especially senile old ladies with pots full of beef stew! Parker swings around the corner and rips off his clothes revealing a flaccid little… um, Spidey suit. “Better take him out – fast!”

Polly grabs a few photos of the floating superhero before Spidey swoops in and kicks Clash in the head. This is the last straw for Clash; NO ONE KICKS CLASH IN THE HEAD! “See how you like it!” Clash yells as he sends a sonic blast toward Spidey, knocking him backward into several tables of displays.

Fighting ensues. Walls and ceilings crumble. Mr. Flannigan gets bonked on the head with a rock and Aunt May calls both of them monsters! Monsters! Spider-Man is about to cry, but he catches a giant rock that almost crushes Aunt May into a pulpy mess of squirting intestines and dog bones. Suddenly, Spidey gets an idea. “This may not win me the science fair…” he thinks, grabbing the anti-magnet whozits, “…but it’ll win me this fight.”

He turns on the device and magnetically wipes Clash’s suit-hard drive full of sound files and child pornography. Uh oh! Clash knows when he’s beaten and tries to scramble out of the building while Spidey continues to hold onto the giant rock. After making sure that Aunt “Scared of Spider-Man Forever” May is clear, he drops the rock and leaps out a window.

“Mrs. Parker,” says a bleeding Mr. Flannigan. “Spider-Man saved us.”

“What he did, Mr. Flannigan, is put us all in danger,” she rebuts. “He’s a hooligan. A thug.”

Strong words coming from a shriveled up old peanut of a woman.

Peter Parker enters the room all “hey guys what’s goin’ on?” and goes to comfort Aunt May, who thanks “the lord”. Clayton enters the room now disappointed in the production. “Darn it, I was going to unmask at the end of the presentation… and let everyone see that Clash was really Clayton Cole.” And it’s all Spider-Man’s fault again!

Right. And everyone would’ve been like “who are you, dingus?”

Later at home, Aunt May is still ranting about that Spider-Man ne’er-do-well. Peter tries to tell her that he’s sure he was just trying to help, but Aunt May will hear none of it! “Whoever raised him, wherever they are right now… I pity them. They must feel so ashamed.”

lmao

Final Thoughts

I wouldn’t have thought we would be witness to a kid more pathetic than Peter Parker, but here we have it. This Clash kid is a real dud. Go rock the casbah somewhere else, dud.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.2 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, some total fucking nerd named Peter Parker got bitten by a radioactive spider and now he can climb walls and make smartass remarks.

The issue dealt largely with the aftermath of Uncle Ben’s untimely MURDER, but we see a side of the story we haven’t seen before (maybe, what do I know). A teenager named Clayton has been going to every Spider-Man show, and once he learns that Spidey invented his web-shooters he gets motivated to create his own superhero setup. You can call him CLASH, but will he be a hero or a villain?!?! My blood is bubbling with anticipation!

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.2 [July, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 2)”

“I can already feel it. This is going to be the best day of my life!”

Clayton, as Clash, stands on a roof musing over his new identity. No more “Creepy” Clayton Cole! Now he’s “Creepy” Clash! He gets to choose his identity now, fuckfaces!

Now all he needs is someone to fight! The police band has transmissions about THE VULTURE terrorizing the corner of 52nd and 6th streets. Perfect! Clash bounds over there using his sonic-blast boots! *Superman music plays*

The people on the street watches Clash as he fumbles his way through downtown. “The name’s Clash! Don’t forget it!” he squeaks, floating in the air using his sonic-blast boots! *Batman music plays*

He finds the Vulture and starts trying to lob some insults. “Hey, Bird Brain!” he says, congratulating himself afterward. His quest for the Vulture is cut short with another transmission: Spider-Man breaking into the Baxter Building where the Fantastic Four snort cocaine all day. Huzzah! Even better! Fuck the Vulture and the carrion he rode in on.

We see Spidey leave the Baxter Building through the window, grumbling about being kicked out of the group before even being let into the group. Fantastic my ass. Spidey swoops away before Clash has a chance to gush all over him. Then Clash’s boots start failing and now he’s stuck on top of a billboard. It was fun while it lasted, I guess. Oh well.

Later, Peter Parker is hanging out in the counselor Mr. Flannigan’s office tearing heads off of chipmunks. He is reminded that he can tell Flannigan anything… like… what’s with the black eye, son? Did you fall face first on your dildo again? “I just walked into something,” Parker says, remembering that the Thing punched him right in the face that morning for some reason (probably fell on his dildo).

Trying to beat up the entire Fantastic Four by yourself is totally unchill, bud.

Parker decides to tell Flannigan “the truth”, which amounts to “I’m a nerd and no one likes me”. You got that right, nosepicker.

Eventually, Parker decides that these counseling sessions aren’t half-bad. He says bye to Flannigan and sees Flash Thomspon waiting for his turn. Parker listens as Thompson gets chewed out, all “stay away from Peter Parker and don’t be a mean boy” and “listen to me or I’m kicking you off the team forever and ever”.

Then Flannigan makes Parker and Thomspon shake hands, which they both do with icy grimaces. “We both know I had nothing to do with that black eye, you gutless little liar,” Thompson whispers, pulling Parker close. “The old man might’ve saved you from a pounding or two, but you wait. There’s so many ways I can get you without laying a finger on you.”

Eep! Ulp! That’s some Mean Boy talk! That’s a no-no! MR. FLANNIGAN!!!

Now that Parker’s got a big, fat target on his back, he meekly follows Flannigan down the hall who leads him to the AV room where all the losers hang out. “Pete, say hello to the gang.”

Parker says hi. The mouth-breathers in the room all say hi back. Looks like he found his people! Flannigan shows him a flyer for the science fair. 1st prize is a $10,000 college fund. These days that would buy you room and board for four days, not counting tuition, books, cafeteria passes, and raunchy reading material.

Meanwhile, Clayton shows his parents at home a sonic pulse generator, his own science project for the fair. Make some noise and it stays floating in the air! Sweet stuff, huh? You can use it for sonic-blast boots! *Aquaman music plays?*

Mr. Father-Knows-Best congratulates his son on a science fair slam dunk. He pulls out two crisp $1 bills as a bonus for his allowance. And Clayton knows just how he’s going to spend it…

As Clash, he pesters Maxie Schiffman, who was almost ruined by Spidey and his menacer-ery. “Shoo! Vamoose! I’m not representing any more costume acts!

“You misunderstand me…” responds Clash. “I’m here to hire the Amazing Spider-Man.”

Pfffft. As what? Your call-girl?

Flannigan takes his nerd charges to the local science museum, site of this year’s science fair. The museum is giving them free passes for a week so they can film for the school’s video yearbook. They can snoop around all the exhibits! The dinosaur turd exhibit is only there for a limited time, so jump on that.

What’s not to understand? Spin webs, eat bugs, scare my mom. Bing boom win.

While Parker ambles around the museum, a message comes on over the intercom. Or something. Somehow only Parker can hear it because he listens to it and then leaves the museum immediately through a fucking window. “Meet me on the roof of the Lark Building at ten tonight. It will be very profitable for you!”

Oooh, money? Crisp $1 dollar bills? Who can pass that shit up?

At home, Aunt May watches a special report about “Spider-Man” stealing helicopters, attacking police officers, and peeing on electric fences. The report implies that it was a possible imposter named the Chameleon, but we can’t be too careful, can we? “Oh dear!” says Aunt May like an old, toothless lady.

She hears a thump on the roof. “Peter, is that you?” She begs him to answer because she doesn’t want another gun-toting Second Amendment lunatic exercising his God-given rights all over her face.

It is Parker, who thumped his way back into the house after a long night of Spider-Man-ing. He still has his costume on. May pulls out a key from the year 1530 to open his door, but then thinks better of it and walks away.

Spidey ruminates upon how much of a dang menace everyone thinks he is. This is all J. Jonah Jameson’s fault! Newspaper Hitler turned everyone against him and now he has to sit in his room and sob and mope about it.

“I’m not bad guy here, right? Why don’t people see that? Why won’t anyone stick up for me?!”

Stop sobbing and moping, kiddo. There’s always chess club! Speaking of which, the next day Parker sits at the AV Nerd lunch table. A kid with a laptop reads the latest Spider-Man news article about the Chameleon, Spidey’s alter-ego who may or may not be a cop. Parker folds his arms and says that the Daily Bugle prints all sorts of propaganda and lies. It’s those damn Russians is what it is. Stupid commie rag, I tells ya.

Thomspon agrees. He sides with Spider-Man; calls him the greatest! “And he’s always getting blamed for stuff he didn’t do. Sound familiar, Parker?”

Parker starts wetting his pants and leaves the cafeteria.

Maxie is on TV vouching for Spidey. He also asks Spidey, if he’s listening, to come by the office. He’s got a great gig for him! (falling on dildos)

Don’t write checks your body can’t cash, Maverick.

And come by the office he does. Maxie tells him his client is willing to pay half up front in cash, all he has to do is fight a private match, one-on-one, one hour, and take the fall. Spidey is suspicious of the “private” part. What’s next? Birthday parties? Ha! Bar mitzvahs?? Ha ha!

But Spidey takes the job anyway because he’s poor and needs to buy Aunt May’s Fixodent.

Clash has two cameras set up on two rooftops. A sensational publicity stunt awaits! Spidey says this sounds like crazy muthafucka talk, but Clash assures him that this is legit for his web-channel. “You gave me your first autograph. I’m the guy who put the footage of your Crusher Hogan fight online. I helped you go viral–”

Spidey doesn’t give a shit. “Do you have my money?”

They fight majestically for a while until Spider gets bored and zaps him with webs. “We’re done!” Spidey says. The kid gives him the creeps, frankly, and he’s not here for it anymore. He swings away leaving Clash stuck to the roof.

“B-but I’m supposed to win,” Clayton whines. Never meet your heroes, kid. Now Spidey has full-on created an enemy even though, later, Spidey feels like he was a jerk. He was just blowing off a little steam and stress out on Clash! School, Chameleon, the AV club smells like bacon bits, and there’s still the matter of Aunt’s May’s denture stuff. Gaahhh!

The next day, Parker makes it clear to Flannigan that Thompson never beat his ass. Not yet, anyway. He apologizes to Thompson, and so does Flannigan. Everyone kisses.

Flannigan gets mad at Parker, though. How’s he supposed to trust him now? Huh? *throws a mug at Parker’s head*

We end with Aunt May breaking into Parker’s room while he’s out cavorting.

Dead bodies and lube? OH, PETER!

Final Thoughts

Peter Parker is going to get the spanking of a lifetime! He’s going to give Aunt May a heart attack, then he’ll be orphaned and living in the system getting his ass kicked until he’s 18 years old. Then he’ll be living under an overpass with track marks in both arms, passed out and drooling wearing a rope for a belt on his sweatpants.