Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #485 – “Faces of Death”

* Part 3 of 14 of the Batman: Prelude to Knightfall event *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #485 – “Faces of Death”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, all of Wayne Industries’ property starts burning down to the ground one-by-one and Bruce speculates that it’s the work of Roman Sionis, a wimp of a man with a penchant for arson who lost everything he ever had and seeks twelve kinds of revenge!

This guy is out for blood for sure, and he intends to lure Batman by way of his fresh new hostage Lucius Fox. If it’s a war Batman wants, then it’s a war Batman gets!

Robin’s also in these issues, much to everyone’s major disappointment.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #485 [October, 1992]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Faces of Death”

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #485

“Why me?” Fox cries, blood pouring out his nose. Glasses broken. Hairline receding. Two answers to this sad little “why me?” question: 1) he made Black Mask lose face, so to speak, and 2) his blood makes perfect warpaint. Does that answer your question at all? Too bad.

Fox doesn’t understand because he’s Batman’s biggest dullard friend, apparently. Black Mask tells him to stop being a moron. Black Mask was Roman Sionis and Fox fucked his world up. By… uh… bailing him out? Yes! And then stacking the Janus Corp. with Bruce Wayne’s men!

Bruce, horribly disguised as one of Black Mask’s henchmen, stands there awkwardly rigid and feels that he might have to blow his cover soon to save Fox. I think he should just watch the carnage. Maybe he’ll learn a thing or two about how to actually torture someone!

“Wh- What… do you want?” snivels Fox.

“Other than ruling Gotham as its new crimelord, Mr. Fox, there’s only one thing I want…”

It’s pussy.

“The absolute destruction of the Wayne empire followed by the painful death of Bruce Wayne himself.”

Ah, well, that’s easy. Roll his flabby ass out here and we’ll make sure he’s pumped full of fentanyl and poisoned ice cream.

But no, Fox tells Black Mask to go to hell. Black Mask is about to pull out his little pea shooter when Ugly Circe stops him in his tracks. “NO! If he’s dead, Black Mask, he’s no use to you – and Bruce Wayne won’t even care.”

Financial directors are a dime a dozen! Bruce can find another one working behind the cash register at Safeway. While Black Mask compliments Circe on her good idea, Bruce continues standing like a constipated zebra trying not to blow his cover and intervene.

Black Mask instructs Skullface (Bruce) to escort Fox into the Mask Room with the help of Tattoo (Not Bruce).

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #485

War! War war war! How about get a hobby, psycho.

In the Mask Room, Bruce whispers loudly to Fox that he’s actually Bruce and that he should relax, guy. He’ll get him a snack and a Superman comic book soon. Outside the room, he tells Black Mask that he knows some pretty nifty torture tricks, which Black Mask agrees to let him use tomorrow night. Like pulling a rabbit out of his butt. Tricks like that. For now, it’s almost 10 o’clock. Time for the “meet”. A real man’s night out. Group howl. Running naked through the woods.

At Gotham Police Headquarters, Robin is talking to Gordon about the abduction of Lucius “Fancy Pants” Fox. Robin tells him that Batman is with Black Mask right now, and Gordon is like “What the fuck, son? I could’ve sent my fatass cop friends to bust the place up”. Robin tells Gordon to hold his beautiful horses; Bruce wants to learn all he can from the inside, take down the whole operation. Real clandestine stuff. He even told Robin to go home and stroke his schlong for a few days. Sit this one out. No one needs you, kid.

“But what if he’s forced to make a move alone?” Gordon asks. Robin says he’ll take care of it (which gives Gordon the most severe drop in his stomach you could possibly imagine) and fucks off into the night.

The “meet” is at a seedy bar called Sharkey’s. A bunch of masked thugs are enjoying some brewskies and an Edmonton Oilers game on the telly while Tattoo tells all the monkeys to cork it and listen up: no more arson for now. Let’s move onto extortion, hijacking, drugs, making some money so they can get clout and then shut down Wayne Industries with all their dirty money. And get some hookers on the side. And some new video games. And a pizza.

Suddenly, a couple of wiseguys start griping about the masks. “Why do we gotta wear these dumb things?” one asks, causing Bruce to smile behind his own shitty mask. “A revolt – interesting to see how he’ll handle it…”

This is how Tattoo will handle it:

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #485

This one’s for askin’ ‘bout da mask! And this one here’s ‘bout askin’ ‘bout da mask some more! And this one here…

Tattoo reiterates that Black Mask is in charge and that tall drink of water tells them all to wear masks, so wear the fucking masks. Capisce? Now “meet” at Sharkey’s tomorrow, same time, for more specifics and for nickel martini night. Go Oilers!

Later, Tattoo gets asked by Black Mask what he thinks of Skullface (that’s Bruce, remember!), and Tattoo tells him that the fucker asks too many questions. Someone should teach him a hard, board-with-a-nail-through-it lesson…

Robin later tells Batman that he rigged the windowpane of Black Mask’s lair with a transmitter so he can hear every thrust of his dick into Circe’s ravaged nethers. Robin warns Batman that Black Mask’s group is getting wise to him, but Batman disagrees even after Robin insists that they’re all suspicious of Skullface. Batman tells the kid to put a sock in it and go stroke that schlong, citizen! Or, rather, keep those headphones on and let him know if they start pounding Lucius Fox’s face into raw hamburger meat. Batman out.

In Gordon’s smoke-filled office, Jimmy talks to his bride-to-be Sarah about his relationship with Batman some more. As you recall, Sarah doesn’t trust Batman as far as she can throw him and she can throw a shotput from Manitoba to Alberta (Go Oilers!). Batman opens the window behind Gordon and makes himself at home. Sarah gets up and walks the hell out of there.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #485

I’ll be playing pool at Sharkey’s and eating chicken wings, Commissioner. And no one’s going to stop me!

Batman vows to bring down Black Mask ASAP. Gordon points out that Batman refuses to share where and how he’ll be bringing Black Mask down. Batman tells him his primary objectives are to save lives and bring down bad guys, and if you’ve got a problem with that you can speak to Mr. Fist! He’s Batman’s old buddy Frank Fist, and he handles the books. Got it?

Batman returns to the roof where Robin is eavesdropping on Black Mask’s sexual moaning. “I’ll take over now – you’ve got sleep and school,” says Batman, taking Robin down a peg. Robin protests like a whiny baby for about two panels before shoving off and leaving Batman with the headphones.

“Another night and day with little or no sleep while problems smolder and multiply on Bruce Wayne’s desk… It’s not age, so maybe it’s simply the effects of too much time put in. Maybe sustained and prolonged stress is the one thing no man can train himself to overcome. And maybe there’s a limit to how much evil and madness anyone can endure within a never-ending maelstrom of gunpowder, blades, and blood. But one thing’s for certain… tomorrow night will be… something.”

Thank you, helpful narration! You really petered out at the end there, though. And here I am at the edge of my seat! We gotta keep this show rolling!

The next morning, Batman is dressed as Skullface still staking out Black Mask’s lair. Robin shows up with his HIP SUNGLASSES and insists on taking over. Bruce is like “fine” and lies down for two winks. About fourteen nanoseconds go by before Robin wakes him up. Bruce is woozy and wobbly. Perhaps he’s coming down with something? No matter! He’s here to save Lucius Fox, and if he ruptures a brain vessel in the process then so be it.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #485

It’s basically just 1 part baking soda, water, yellow dye #5, chamomile tea, and 99 parts fluoroboric acid.

Black Mask nudges Skullface (that’s Bruce, remember??) to use his special waterproof makeup! In a diluted concentration, it turns the wearer into a hideous beast like Circe here. *points* Look at that sexy, melted face! Now, Fox, spill everything you know about Wayne Industries’ security system and forces or Skullheadface is going to outfit you with an Ouchie Mask. You feel me?

Fox says “aw hell naw”, and is about to get stuck with mask when Skullface (BRUCE!) leaps over to them and kicks the mask out of Black Mask’s hands with a PAFT. Robin overhears Tattoo call Skullface a cop. Tattoo judo chops Bruce’s neck and starts tearing off his disguise! Black Mask recognizes that dashing young man at once! Time to take out his shooty gun and fill his face full of–

“NOOO!!” Circe knocks Black Mask’s gun arm over to the right a few inches as he shoots, killing no one unfortunately. Bruce lets off a stinky smoke bomb and leaps out the window, using Lucius Fox’s head to smash it into pieces. lol.

Bruce is going back in, Robin! Take Fox and Circe to the hospital forthwith! He’ll distract the goons until the police arrive to eat donuts and kill black people for no reason! Move move move move move!!

Black Mask continues shooting all willy-nilly in the smoke-filled room. Tattoo moves Black Mask out of the building just as Black Mask drops his gun! Evidence! Let’s go back and get it! No no no, no time! Arrgh!

At 10 o’clock, most of the False Face Society is swilling gutter beer at Sharkey’s. The police raid the place. Bye bye, False Face Society. Take that in the pants and like it, Black Mask!

Meanwhile, outside of the lair, Batman starts kicking some ass until Tattoo starts whoopin’ his lights out with a pole. Batman gets knocked back into a pile of crates. Batman pops up with a “DO YOUR WORST!” demeanor. Tattoo kicks him in the face with a SWUNT. Tattoo thinks he has him, but Batman leaps up suddenly and uppercuts the nose right off Tattoo’s face! So to speak.

Batman turns to Black Mask, who screams and leaps off the pier into the four-foot-deep water. Batman is thwarted again!

EPILOGUE! Gordon’s bringing in all the False Face Society mopes. Batman is tired and sore and he’s losing his dang edge.

Bad news about Black Mask, though, son. He wasn’t the real deal. The body they dredged up out of the water wasn’t Roman Sionis, his mask wasn’t burned onto his face, and he didn’t have the swastika birthmark on his left buttcheek. His name was actually Harold Rambeau, a missing Wayne Corp. executive kinda guy.

Looks like you failed again, Batman! Wakka wakka!

Final Thoughts

I guess this is the end of this particular underwhelming Batman adventure! Do you know what would’ve been better? If it was Robin that drowned in the docks. “You gotta go to school, Robin!” How about you keep that kid away from scissors, he might accidentally cut his dick off. God, I hate Robin.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 52: “In Search of a Remedy”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

After spending all night in the rain checking out inns, Thom Merrilin has a croupy cough! Mat feels bad for about three minutes.

It’s so bad, actually, that Mat suggests a trip to the nearby holistic healer lady. Thom is adamant against it, but Mat strongarms the man and hoists his bulk over to the Tear-equivalent-of-a-Wisdom, Ailhuin. Mat notices tire tracks in the mud belonging to a 1985 Chevy Silverado and thinks nothing of it EVEN THOUGH THE AUDIENCE KNOWS THAT THE THREE YOUNG AES SEDAI HAVE JUST BEEN ABDUCTED! YOU MISSED THEM BY MERE MINUTES, MAT.

Ailhuin cracks open the door and asks what these two buttheads want. Mat wants Thom to feel better for some reason, so Ailhuin invites them in and forces some shit down Thom’s throat. While talking, Mat notices that Ailhuin has the same accent as Siuan the Amyrlin and mentions it. Ailhuin, in turn, mentions that she just had three women who had the same accent as Mat. Well, two out of three. Elayne sounds like a cockney chav, mate. Mat’s like “brrrt!” and realizes his luck has just put him on track again. Mat offers to pay for any information Ailhuin knows even though it could be dangerous for her, and then pinky-promises not to tell anyone.

The girls were taken to the Stone of Tear. Duh.

Mat gives Ailhuin money and then a peck on the cheek, getting effectively #MeToo’d. He leaves Thom in Ailhuin’s care and starts fucking off to the Stone. He basically skips there! Mat’s on the case!


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 51: “Bait for the Net”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

While Nynaeve wanders the streets of Tear, she thinks she sees a man who looks like Rand, but shrugs it off as an illusion. She runs into Juilin Sandar, who reports that he has found all the big, bad, nasty women. They are in the Stone of Tear chillin’ with High Lord Samon, don’tcha know? This makes Sandar nervous as a frightened skunk, it does!

After returning to Ailhuin’s house, Nynaeve discovers the woman trapped by Aes Sedai magic. Liandrin and Rianna are there smiling devilishly. Nynaeve punches Liandrin right in the kisser, which got a “you go gurl” from me. Then she runs to escape, but the two Black Ajah trap her too, telling her that Egwene tried to escape too and they almost drove her mad with offensive saidar. You will obey, child, else you get the back of the hand!

Ailhuin promises to stay quiet about all this to spare her life. Nynaeve is taken to another room with two more Black Ajah and Elayne/Egwene banged up and bruised as the dickens. They leave the house, discovering Sandar outside. Nynaeve is pissed! Traitor! J6! Witch hunt! But, as it turns out, he was coerced to spare his life! These manipulative Black Ajah. I’m beginning to think that they’re no good!

The Black Ajah throw the girls into a coach and ride off, planning on using the young women as “bait”. “Bait” for the “net”, as it were. For Be’lal the Forsaken. He’s going to be sending 13 myrddraal to do that thing where they convert people from the Light to the Dark. Muahahaha, etc.


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Octavia, Chapter 4 – Servant

Thousand Year Old Vampire is a lonely solo role-playing game in which you chronicle the unlife of a vampire over the many centuries of their existence, beginning with the loss of mortality and ending with their inevitable destruction.
Previous Journal Entries:
The Beginning • Bloodthirsty • Shelter

A mortal Character begins serving you. Who are they? Why are they drawn to you? Create a new mortal Character.

The year is now 1518, and I am still a 21-year-old vampire. I remember my old life well, and I often wonder how my absence has affected my family. My siblings have all aged 15 years, my father will celebrate his 59th name day in a few months time. By now they have all moved on from whatever trauma I may have caused by disappearing from society. Perhaps they believe I am long dead; that some sort of horrible maniac or monster broke into our house, killed Livius, and chased me into the woods. Perhaps they believe that I was killed far from home. Perhaps they spent days, weeks, even months searching for me or my body. Perhaps, even, they believe I am still alive — that I left the farm to find a new life for reasons that they will never know. I’d be happy if this were the case, and they wouldn’t be wrong. The circumstances may be what they may be, but if I can find peace in the notion that my family believes me to still be alive then I can move on myself. I often feel wracked with guilt. Ashamed, as if I brought this upon myself somehow. That I must live my life in hiding, that I must feed on blood to survive, that I enjoy it like nothing else I had ever experienced in my other life.

I try to feed only on those who don’t have families, who don’t have anybody in their lives that will miss them. Beggars, drifters, raving homeless degenerates, but I will also feed on nobility. As a trained assassin, I held no qualms about killing politicians, members of the court, or other elite individuals who not only contribute nothing to society, but actively participate in its marginalization. However, I stick to a code. No working class. No children. Nobody who does good for the world. I may be a monster, but I have my scruples. I often wonder how many others out there are like me, and how many of them even possess some semblance of a moral compass. I often think of Benizzone Petruccio, the beast who turned me. I have yet to see him since that fateful day 15 years ago. What drives a vampire to turn another? Could it be a need for companionship? An act of power over another? A deliberate attempt to build an army of sorts? I have never felt a desire to turn another, but I often wonder if the day will come and what circumstances will urge me to do such a thing.

It was three summers ago when I was approached by Bianca de Montefeltro, a young woman of 24 years, in my chamber in the catacombs. Her modest, although disheveled, partlet and kirtle marked her as a member of the laboring class, perhaps a cook or a servant. She had no family, no kin, no property to speak of. Plagued with malaise, she wandered the labyrinth of the underground in search of, as I understand it, a place to die clandestinely as to not cause a fuss for anybody who may have discovered her body. I’m sure it was a shock to find me in a cavernous chamber lined with candles and lanterns, outfitted with furnishings and accoutrements that I raided from the wealthy over the years — ornate cassoni, decorated walnut and velvet chairs, large framed paintings of nobles from generations past. I was hungry, oh so hungry; to see a supple young woman enter my quarters was as if I were presented with a delicious dinner by noble servants.

She begged for her life. I remember gripping her neck as she cried for mercy, ready to sink my teeth into her porcelain flesh, until she promised to serve me if, please, I were to let her go. Suddenly, this woman wasn’t ready to die. I almost felt pity for her pathetic display. At first I couldn’t begin to fathom what use I may have had for her, this free meal that fell into my lap. I work alone. I always have. One doesn’t keep friends when one is an assassin.

However, I decided that it couldn’t hurt to have a minion at your beck and call. After all, it can be dangerous for even a vampire to skulk the city of Tuscany late at night. All it takes it one stab in the heart with a sharp piece of wood to end my existence — a child could do it. I do not plan to die, that is for certain.

Bianca is 27 years old now and is my indentured servant, knowing that her life is now in my hands. I don’t know what she does during the day, I do not care. I warn her that if she disappears for more than a week that I will hunt her for her flesh and blood. She has been very helpful in acquiring various items for me; occult books and objects, expensive treasures from the noble houses, and other various objects of import. Bianca is obviously a skilled sneakthief, proving her usefulness and ensuring her continued existence.

I have done much research on who I am and who I came to be. For years I’ve strived toward a goal: true immortality. No death from stakes or from the sun. My research has pointed me in the direction of ancient, unholy artifacts buried deep in the caves of Romania that can be used as vessels for dangerous spells to achieve my goals, but travelling to Romania is out of the question. Even if I have to wait one million years, I’ll figure out a way.

Skills:
Assassinating
Smooth-Talking
Sneaking
Bloodthirsty

Resources:
Dagger
Slingshot
Locket
Cave in the Woods
Diary

Mark:
A permanent blood-red discoloration of the iris of my right eye

Mortals:
Octavius Caesonius, my father; a farmer

Claudius Marcus, my mentor; an assassin

Livius Lucanus, my eldest brother; mean-spirited and ignorant

Bianca de Montefeltro; 27-year-old woman of the laboring class; my servant

Immortal:
Bonizzone Petruccio, high-level secretary in King Charles V’s court; handsome and cunning

Memory #1
I am Octavia Maria, first daughter of Octavius Caesonius, a farmer; born on a small farm outside of Tuscany in 1503; I am a 21-year-old female assassin.

Memory #3
Claudius gifts me with a special silver dagger with a ruby on the hilt after I complete my assassin training.

Memory #4
Livius steals my locket and throws it up on the barn rafters; I spend hours trying to climb up to the ceiling and throwing stones at the rafter to knock it down.

Memory #5
Bonizzone hires me to be his private assassin shortly before biting my neck and turning me; the iris of my right eye turns a permanent blood-red color.

My first kill, my eldest brother, Livius Lucanus; I drink his blood, the sensation is wonderful; I am a 21-year-old vampire.

Memory #6
I find shelter in a cave in the woods between the farm and Tuscany; I subsist on woodland creatures during the day, beggars and degenerates in Tuscany at night.

I find permanent residence in the catacombs under Tuscany; I gain mortal servant named Bianca de Montefeltro who assists with my every need and, in exchange, she gets to keep her life.

Diary

Memory #2
My father gifts me with a slingshot for my ninth name day; I immediately kill two moles running around the potato patch from fifty yards away.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 50: “The Hammer”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Perrin’s group has arrived in Tear, and boy is it ever sweaty and stinky for reals. Just muggy and gross. Perrin is still wary of Zarine, wondering if she was the beautiful woman he needs to stay the fuck away from per Min.

As they roll through the city they notice everyone looks despondent. Real sad-sacks. As if the place was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Fuck You. Moiraine mutters about how the Pattern might be “torn” in Tear, which is pretty ironic I guess. They happen upon an inn next to smithy, which Perrin pops a boner over. Lan and Moiraine decide to scope the town alone, and Perrin reiterates to a frustrated Zarine that she chose to follow them in this adventure. Now she’s irrevocably tangled up in it. Sucks to suck.

After getting settled in, Perrin decides to kill some time at the smithy. He finds a blacksmith working by himself, so Perrin decides to silently jump in and start helping him. Somewhat impressed, the blacksmith gives him a piece of billet and tells him to try making something out of it. Robert Jordan does a pretty good job with describing accurate metallurgy practices as he walks through Perrin forging and creating a chamfer knife. The blacksmith is impressed further and offers Perrin a job, but Perrin tells him that he’s only in Tear temporarily and can only help for the day. Zarine comes down to watch him work, poking fun at him. The blacksmith tells her that Perrin is one of the best workers he’s ever had, and offers Perrin to keep the forging hammer. Perrin graciously accepts the gift.

Lan and Moiraine return from their scouting and tells the group that the Forsaken have entered Tear. This is some bad news. High Lord Samon, a mysterious man who was mentioned to Mat and Thom at one point by an innkeeper, is actually Be’lal. And this is supposed to be scary, I guess. Moiraine believes that the Forsaken are waiting and allowing Rand to find and collect Callandor.

Loial knows a little bit about Be’lal. He was jealous of Lews Therin because of his big-ass muscles, maybe. He used to lead against Ba’alzamon until he heel turned for some reason. That’s all he really knows. Be’lal likes McDonald’s hamburgers.

It is reported that the Aiel are in Tear, but Moiraine does not know why. Perhaps Be’lal brought them here? Anyway, Lan’s going to scope out the Stone of Tear while everyone stays behind and twiddles their little thumbs. Good day.


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