Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue#1.4 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Peter Parker attends a science fair where he battles Clash as Spider-Man. No one wins, and Aunt May is left believing that Spider-Man is nothing more than a thug! A monster! A disgrace! An anime fan!

So now what? The more Peter tries to help, the more the public’s opinion of him dwindles. Hang it up, kid. There’s no future for you as a superhero. Get a job setting bowling pins, that seems more your speed anyway

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.4 [October, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 4)”

Well, this is the part where Peter Parker has the brilliant idea to take photos of himself in various provocative poses in order to sell them to J. Jonah “Jerkin’ It to Spider-Man” Jameson.

Also, with his crawly powers, he can get to places most people can’t and take photos of superheroes being jerks. The Thing stacking cars on top of each other to make room for his jet. Thor flying around with nurses. Iron Man crushing a cannonball in his hands as a performance piece for an orphanage.

Jameson is like “these are great kid *yawn* but where are all those Spider-Man pictures you promised me?” He pays Parker his earned $17 anyway and the boy is just jubilant that he can provide for the family now! Bills have been paid in full and on time. Even Parker’s grades are picking up again! And he’s hanging out with his nerdy A/V club buddies after school. And he got a science internship doing science things like holding up test tubes full of liquids. Things are coming up Milhouse! “It’s almost like the spider bite never happened,” he grins like the dork that he is.

“There’s only one or two loose threads to tie up…” Parker thinks. One of them is his counseling sessions with Mr. Flannigan. He wants to stop that fucking waste of time. “How’d you do it, son?” Flannigan asks. “How did you turn it around?”

Peter smiles, winks, and says “WOOZLE WUZZLE!” while cartwheeling out of the room. Maybe his Spider-Man days are behind him. He’d be more than happy to let him fade into the past. “I’m Peter Parker,” he says, passing the dementia test with flying colors.

Meanwhile, Clayton Cole buzzes around in the air as Clash. More than anything, this kid wants to stand out in the crowd. He floats his way to the Battle of the Bands stage in front of hundreds – nay, thousands – of people all throwing devil horns like they think they’re Ronnie James Dio. Well guess what? Dio is dead.

Unbeknownst to Clash, he’s actually interfering like a douchebag. The band on stage gets very upset, and vocalist even calls him a loser! A loser!

Ooooooh, now you’ve gone and done it.

Only my mom can call me a loser, punk!

So after Clash sends shockwaves down the stage and knocks off the band and their equipment, the audience starts booing as if Russell Brand came up to the mic. Security tells the kid to freeze, but he definitely does NOT freeze. He sends shockwaves at the guards, knocking them asunder! The crowd continues to boo, Clash tells them all to suck it (I’m not making that up), and he flies away yelling “SEACREST OUT!” (I made that up).

Later, Clayton browses the good ol’ World Wide Web and looks for phone footage of his majestic display. What he sees is his doofy ass claiming to the crowd that he’s the next big thing. What he hears is murmurings of the patrons around the phone saying things like “Spider-Man copycat” and “Web-head wannabe” and “Following in Spidey’s footsteps”. You know, things Clayton doesn’t want to hear at all. Then he finds footage of J. Jonah Jameson decrying Clash’s behavior as Spider-Man’s fault! “Just look at this new guy! Mimicking that menace’s every move!”

Clayton doesn’t want Spidey taking the credit for his own menacing moves! Nrrrrggghhh!! *tries to flip table over, ends up pooping his pants instead*

Peter Parker sees the headline on the next day’s newspaper: “SPIDER-MAN INSPIRES COPYCATS!” Again, we’re blaming Spider-Man for the shitty actions of ne’er-do-wells? Aunt May peeks over Peter’s shoulder and starts mumbling angry sweet nothings about these Spider-Man and Clash hooligans. Over her bended knee she will take these kids and whack their fannies ruddy! “Someone should put a stop to them both,” she says while Peter cries.

*promptly loses keys in a barrel of toxic waste, then accidentally sets the lab on fire with a childproof Bic lighter*

Peter now knows that it’s his responsibility to take Clash down. He inspired him, after all, with his sultry red onesie and seductive webs. In the lab during his internship duties, Peter designs an anti-sonic inverter. Just like the fork-hovering anti-magnet device he invented for the science fair only with sound instead of magnets! He needs all the equipment he can get, so when his mentor Dr. Cobbwell leaves for the day, Peter starts ransacking the lab for all the expensive electronic equipment he can find. This will certainly end well!

While Parker skulks around the school after hours, Clayton Cole skulks around the school after hours. Eventually, Parker finishes his anti-sonic waves mute button using so much stolen expensive equipment that he would get sent to prison for his crimes. “I need a lot a’ dough to buy replacement parts for everything I’ve ‘borrowed.’ Here’s hoping my boss at the Bugle, Jolly J. Jonah Jameson is feeling generous…”

Yeah right, kid. He’ll put A-1 Steak Sauce on your butt and make you eat it. “An advance? Ha! Kids. Always wanting something for nothing,” Jameson laughs while Parker frowns like the world’s saddest clown. Maybe if he had more pictures of Spider-Man, Jameson would be whistling a more charitable tune! But while Jameson blah blah blahs about his favorite superhero boyfriend, Parker’s Spidey-Sense starts tingling all the way down his spine and into his scrotum.

It proves to be useless, because one nanosecond later Clash busts open the wall to Jameson’s office from the outside. “Jameson! Listen up! I wanna have a word with you!” Clash yells in his whiny, nasally voice. While trash and broken glass flies everywhere as if in a tornado, Jameson shakes his fist. “Speak of the devil! What is the meaning of this? Did Spider-Man send you?!”

Ha, well, that just makes Clash more mad, doesn’t it then? Parker crawls out of the office like a baby and heads toward his new invention. His new invention that he forgot to plug in to charge. Whoops! Meanwhile, Clash is throwing Jameson around and saying things like “You’ll remember my name after this!” and “I’m the real menace in town!”

Parker decides to rip off his nice business-casual threads and reveal his Spider-Man getup. Jameson bleeds profusely from his forehead. Clash poses for the inevitable front page. “So that’s your game? Well, you’re not getting one ounce of ink!” Jameson yells. “’Cause as far as I’m concerned, you’re a clown who belongs in the funny pages.”

Got ‘em.

Then Spider-Man shows up all “BOOGITY BOOGITY!” Then there’s a fight while Jameson stands there and yells ineffectively for them to stop. This just causes the two masked boys to wreak even more havoc.

What does it look like I’m doing, Newspaper Hitler? I’m fucking your shit up!

Parker gets so mad at Jameson’s constant hollerin’ that he webs his mouth shut with a ropey, sinewy “THWIP”. And now that the anti-sonic inverted has had a full three minutes to charge up to 100%, Spidey is able to use Clash’s powers against him. Clash is a step ahead, though: he increases the amplitude and frequency! Duh! Clash’s newest boom breaks more glass and eardrums… and the anti-sonic inverter. Then Clash fucks on out of there while laughing at Spidey’s failure! Ha ha ha haaaaa! Ha ha ho ho heeeeee!!!

“He– he just out-scienced me. But that’s never happened to me before! Ever!”

While Spidey laments, Clash pats himself on the back as he flies across town. He beat Spidey at his own game! “Clayton Cole! The one and only Clash!” he congratulates himself. Because no one else will.

While Spidey looks out the window, Jameson admits to Spider-Man that he was wrong about him (!!!!!). Clash is the real menace here. Him and Dennis. That Dennis is always the menace.

“I see it now. You’re just a joke! A loser!” Jameson looks feral. “A web-headed has-been!”

Spidey agrees because he’s a sad-sack supreme. He’s yesterday’s news. Why, Jameson doesn’t even want pictures of that shithead anymore! It’s all about Clash now, son.

To add insult to injury, Parker gets chastised by the principal for stealing $500,000,000,000 worth of equipment from the lab and the A.V. Club. This alienates Parker from his buddies AND gets him another 17 years of counseling from Mr. Flannigan! Dr. Cobbwell doesn’t trust him anymore, and he gets fired from the Bugle for not taking a single picture of the fight that happened in Jameson’s office. A real low point in Parker’s life. It’s time for heroin under the overpass for you.

Parker cries on Uncle Ben’s grave. He has really let the old man down for being such a snot-nosed little puke. That was already the case, though, so I don’t know why he’s so upset. Uncle Ben never loved him.

lol

Final Thoughts

Way to go, Peter Parker, you gigantic failure. Uncle Ben is spinning in his grave like a top over your constant fuck-ups. Maybe you should just invent yourself an anti-survival noose and hang yourself in the bathroom while Aunt May watches Matlock in her mothball-smelling bedroom.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.3 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Clayton Cole becomes Clash, the nerdiest superhero since that spider kid. Clash tries to pay Spider-Man to take a fall in a fight against him, but Spider-Man shoots him with webs and says “not today”.

Peter Parker is still skipping school to perform circus acts for money, and Aunt May opens his room to discover a heinous secret!

I wonder what it could be? Poop smeared on the walls? Is Peter some sort of disgusting pervert? Serious lol if true

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.3 [September, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 3)”

Clayton is on his computer trying to make his Clashiness go viral. After all, he’s the one who recorded the Crusher Hogan fight and made Spider-Man a superstar in the first place! If he could do it for Spider-Man, then he can do it for himself.

(spoiler alert: he won’t)

It’s because he’s reviewing the footage of their fight and it’s just a bunch of Spider-Man making Clash look like an absolute fucking loser. “I can’t use any of this,” he complains, gritting his teeth. “CAN’T USE ANY OF IT!”

Clayton’s mom knocks on his door and tells him to knock it off with the yellin’ and the screamin’. He uses SCIENCE to create a sound bubble around himself and continues blasting his Tegan and Sara while he seethes and rants to himself. “I worshipped him! I did everything for him! And this’s how he repays me?! How could he be such a jerk!…” yada yada yada. And lo’, an enemy has been created. Tough titties, Spidey.

Speaking of the devil, Peter Parker comes home at like 4am to find his bedroom door unlocked and open. Oh no! Did he leave buckets of web spooge all over the place? Or, eek, his costume? If Aunt May were to find out she would blow a cow.

“Peter, we need to talk,” says Aunt May who is sitting in Peter’s room waiting.

Peter Parker Poops his Pickled Pants. “Aunt May?”

“I know what you’ve been up to. Out all hours. Your sullen mood. The odd behavior.”

Peter gibbers for a spell, then Aunt May accuses him of cooking and selling drugs. The room smells like formaldehyde and there’s a fat wad of cash in an envelope. “Don’t lie to me, Peter.”

Yeah, that’s right. Believe what I’m saying, you dumb old lady.

This is the part where I lol if Peter is like “you got me, Auntie. I’m selling the drugs!” in order to keep his identity a secret. Peter smiles suspiciously and makes up some story about finding it under the back door. He may as well say he found a big sack of money with a dollar sign on it.

“And the chemicals?” May asks. Peter calls it junk, and then backpedals and says it’s for science experiments to prepare for the… uh… big science fair! $10,000 prize, Auntie! We can afford a real funeral for Uncle Ben now and get his rotting corpse out of your closet!

Peter shows her a little bit of the special Spider-Man web fluid. “See? This isn’t drugs. It’s a new super-adhesive I’ve been working on. Sticks anything to… well, anything.”

Aunt May is relieved that her delinquent nephew isn’t huffing paint thinner. Peter considers submitting his web junk to the science fair, but then J. Jonah Jameson would have his ass carted to maximum security prison after putting two and two together. “Man, my life’s become a big ol’ mess lately, hasn’t it?” he thinks. Aw, shucks.

The Big Science Fair Is Upon Us! Parker’s geeky AV club friends are setting up their ant farms and their exploding toilets when they notice Clayton in the corner strumming on a guitar. Polly, one of the geeky science dweeby Dungeons & Dragons nerds, approaches Clayton to compliment his playing. Clayton is like “AHHH, A GIRL!”

After some uncomfortable pseudo-flirting, Clayton explains his polyphonic “science rock” music which causes every vagina in the room to dry up and shrivel. They start talking about superheroes and how they’re showing up everywhere lately. “I was into Spider-Man for a while. Now not so much,” he says darkly. He then invites Polly to check out his booth on Saturday where he’ll be superheroing or something. He’ll probably kill a few people by accident. Should be fun!

Parker still doesn’t have a good idea for the science fair and it starts in, like, an hour. He overhears some kids in class talking about wanting to see a close-up photo of the vulture, but no one has been able to snap a good shot. This gives him an idea!

It contains 43 gigbytes of pictures of Uncle Ben’s penis that you should probably delete.

He wriggles into his Spider-Man onesie and hits the town looking for the Vulture to snap some real boss photos for the front page of the newspaper! Should be easy, right? The Vulture is 100 years old, he doesn’t move very fast anymore. Maybe he’ll catch him laying an egg.

Then Vulture swoops down and steals Spidey’s camera. Ha!

So he tries some sort of body cam, the kind that they show as evidence when some cop beats the shit out of a black kid for buying Biggie fries at Wendy’s. He gets some impossible shots of himself fighting Vulture close-up. J. Jonah Jameson salivates over them when Parker brings them in. “With pictures like these I can almost stand living in the city with Spider-Man!” he jubilates. Peter’s got a job now with the Daily Bugle (cleaning toilets) and now he can afford to buy Aunt May the best colostomy bag on the market! Huzzah!

It’s Actually Science Fair Time Now. Peter Parker has made an anti-magnet that makes forks hover. The judges are not impressed, and Parker’s nerdlinger friends are embarrassed.

Aunt May is there to support Peter and she meets his friends. Friends! Imagine that! “Oh my! Peter never told me he had a friend who was a girl,” Aunt May says after meeting Polly, which makes Peter’s testicles jump up into his throat. May asks Polly if she likes beef stew. All this diversion allows Clayton to sneak around the fair looking quite fishy…

Yo, it’s a pepper grinder, bitch.

Aunt May decides to embarrass Peter further by scoping out Mr. Flannigan and leaving the two lovebirds to talk about sex or whatever it is kids talk about these days. Peter shows Polly his stupid anti-magnetic dildo while she points out how everyone in the fair is dressed like a superhero that is apt to their project. The kid in the Thing costume has a rock collection. The kid in the Mr. Fantastic costume is showing the magic of rubber. And so on and so forth.

The action is halted by the sounds of SONIC-BLAST BOOTS! Clash enters the room! “Ears out, true believers! Get ready to give it up for… CLASH, THE SUPERSTAR OF SOUND!”

Parker is irate. This buttfucker again? Jumpin’ jeepers, sir, he could hurt someone! Especially senile old ladies with pots full of beef stew! Parker swings around the corner and rips off his clothes revealing a flaccid little… um, Spidey suit. “Better take him out – fast!”

Polly grabs a few photos of the floating superhero before Spidey swoops in and kicks Clash in the head. This is the last straw for Clash; NO ONE KICKS CLASH IN THE HEAD! “See how you like it!” Clash yells as he sends a sonic blast toward Spidey, knocking him backward into several tables of displays.

Fighting ensues. Walls and ceilings crumble. Mr. Flannigan gets bonked on the head with a rock and Aunt May calls both of them monsters! Monsters! Spider-Man is about to cry, but he catches a giant rock that almost crushes Aunt May into a pulpy mess of squirting intestines and dog bones. Suddenly, Spidey gets an idea. “This may not win me the science fair…” he thinks, grabbing the anti-magnet whozits, “…but it’ll win me this fight.”

He turns on the device and magnetically wipes Clash’s suit-hard drive full of sound files and child pornography. Uh oh! Clash knows when he’s beaten and tries to scramble out of the building while Spidey continues to hold onto the giant rock. After making sure that Aunt “Scared of Spider-Man Forever” May is clear, he drops the rock and leaps out a window.

“Mrs. Parker,” says a bleeding Mr. Flannigan. “Spider-Man saved us.”

“What he did, Mr. Flannigan, is put us all in danger,” she rebuts. “He’s a hooligan. A thug.”

Strong words coming from a shriveled up old peanut of a woman.

Peter Parker enters the room all “hey guys what’s goin’ on?” and goes to comfort Aunt May, who thanks “the lord”. Clayton enters the room now disappointed in the production. “Darn it, I was going to unmask at the end of the presentation… and let everyone see that Clash was really Clayton Cole.” And it’s all Spider-Man’s fault again!

Right. And everyone would’ve been like “who are you, dingus?”

Later at home, Aunt May is still ranting about that Spider-Man ne’er-do-well. Peter tries to tell her that he’s sure he was just trying to help, but Aunt May will hear none of it! “Whoever raised him, wherever they are right now… I pity them. They must feel so ashamed.”

lmao

Final Thoughts

I wouldn’t have thought we would be witness to a kid more pathetic than Peter Parker, but here we have it. This Clash kid is a real dud. Go rock the casbah somewhere else, dud.