Bird Box (2018)

Tagline:
Never lose sight of survival.

Wide Release Date:
December 14, 2018

Directed by:
Susanne Bier
Screenplay by:
Eric Heisserer
Based on the novel by:
Josh Malerman
Produced by:
Dylan Clark, Chris Morgan, Clayton Townsend

Starring:
Sandra Bullock
Trevante Rhodes
John Malkovich
Danielle Macdonald
Sarah Paulson

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I like reading the book first on anything, but it’s taking me six months to read 300-page books these days so I decided to just cut my losses and suck it up. If I ever get around to the book, I probably won’t remember any of the movie anymore anyway.

So, yeah, Bird Box. I watched and enjoyed The Mist and, obviously, this is similar. I heard that people crashed cars during “blindfold challenges”, so that sounds fun. After watching this movie, I’ll get more context on that. Maybe I’ll do my own blindfold challenge! Yeah. With jerking off.

THE 750(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

In the not-too-distant future, a post-apocalyptic event is spurred by the sudden existence of supernatural, unseen entities on Earth. When seen by human eyes, these creatures cause a sudden, immediate desire to commit suicide. The movie begins with Malorie Hayes (Sandra Bullock) and her two children, aptly named Boy and Girl, donned in blindfolds, hurriedly boarding a rowboat and embarking upon a long journey down the river.

Five years earlier, Malorie is pregnant. News reports of mysterious mass suicides in Europe and Asia are ubiquitous, but waved off. Upon leaving the hospital with her sister Jessica (Sarah Paulson) after an ultrasound, Malorie witnesses a woman in the hallway voluntarily smashing her own head repeatedly against a window. Shortly thereafter, complete chaos ensues on the street as Jessica drives them home. Eventually, among the pandemonium, Jessica becomes mentally dissociative and intentional crashes the car. When it doesn’t kill her, she intentionally steps in front of a passing semitruck.

Why, Sarah Paulson… your eyes are ravishing!

Shaken AND stirred, the very pregnant Malorie hobbles her way over to safety in a house occupied by a handful of other people. Among them are alcoholic hothead Douglas (John Malkovich), nerdy mythology enthusiast Charlie (Lil Rel Howery), literally Machine Gun Kelly, and, of course, eventual love interest Tom (Trevante Rhodes). This is the part that parallels The Mist: a group of survivors are trapped in a building while an unknown all-encompassing danger surrounds them, preventing them from leaving without risking death. This happens for a while. The owner of the house dies after learning the harsh lesson that one can be affected through surveillance camera footage on a computer screen.

It is learned that some individuals aren’t driven to suicide. These people are, instead, driven to force survivors to “see the beautiful light”. These people are equally as dangerous as the threat itself.

A pregnant woman named Olympia (Danielle Macdonald) bashes on the door to try to get in and Tom allows it, against Douglas’ wishes. She turns out to be all right. Now they have a houseful of people, two pregnant, and a looming food shortage. Using draped blankets and GPS, a group are able to get to the grocery store to stock up. Malorie finds a cage of birds there and takes them with her. It is discovered that these birds can sense the danger.

Yo, I found some birds in a box.

Back on the river, Malorie and the kids travel for hours blindfolded. The same birds she took from the store are with them on the trip. They become agitated when the entities are near, alerting the group of immediate danger as they make their way downriver. It seems like they all should’ve died before Hour 1, but hours and hours and hours go by with little incident; save for one guy who wants to show them the light. Malorie fucks his shit up good.

Back at the house, Olympia, knowing what it’s like to be trapped outside, lets in a guy named Gary. Gary sucks, and shortly after both pregnant women give birth at the same time, Gary starts ripping blankets and newspapers off the windows to show everyone the beautiful, pretty, glorious, awesome light. Almost everyone remaining in the house succumbs to this asshole’s actions (including new mother Olympia) until Tom shoots him dead. Now it’s just Malorie, Tom, and the two newborn babies. They live together in the house for the next five years.

Through their handheld radio, transmissions are received from a guy named Rick who runs a safe community located roughly 48 hours down the river. Shortly before the river expedition, a gang of light-addled shotgun-toting buttheads discover that the house is occupied and try to force the four of them out. Tom saves the day and kills the last one before becoming completely overtaken by the effects of the Suicide Ghoul. He shoots himself through the head.

Tom Kills Himself About Stuff

Cut to the present. Malorie, Boy, and Girl are almost to the location of the safe community, but their last obstacle is the very dangerous rapids. It was advised by Rick that someone needs to look during this leg of the trip or else they will likely die. Against his advice, Malorie decides that none of them will look even after both Boy and Girl volunteer. They almost die, but then they don’t. It’s very suspenseful.

They eventually make it. The safe haven is a school for the blind full of people who are immune to the effects of the Suicide Monster. Survivors also include, you know, people who can see. The three of them make themselves at home. Boy and Girl get real names and start playing with the other children. After five years of being on her guard, Malorie finally breathes, relaxes, and embraces their safety.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Similarities to The Mist

I happened to watch The Mist a few months ago, and I happened to watch Bird Box just now, and both of these movies are similar to each other. A mysterious and unnatural miasma causes people to die. A group of scared individuals are holed up in a building, afraid to go outside. There is a lot of paranoia and anger directed at one another. That’s about it, but that’s most of the two movies.

Listen to me, kids! Whatever you do, do NOT look John Malkovich in the eye!

The Mist would have been a much more powerful movie if they had kept the Mist Monsters unseen. Instead, they made a bunch of bugs and tentacles with horrible CGI effects. This is where Bird Box did it right, because the creepy entity that causes everyone’s eyes to glaze over and then commit suicide is pretty much invisible for the entire movie. Sure, there are occasional ethereal vapors, but the “monster” mostly puts voices in people’s heads to goad them into seeing the light. Which kills them. It’s rather nefarious.

The ending is where The Mist gets it right. THAT movie ends with horrible sadness and despair. Bird Box has a happy ending! BOO! Sandra Bullock’s kids should’ve been killed and fed to the Space Bears in order to appease the Suicide Eyeball Devil! But, no, they find a Blind School. Ho hum, bah humbug.

The acting in Bird Box is way better. They actually feel like human beings here, while the characters in The Mist feel like semi-badass let’s-get-down-to-business action types with shallow dialogue. And there’s no Tom Jane howling like a wounded hyena at the end of Bird Box.

TOPIC 2 — Why Some People Are Unaffected by the Light

I know we’re not supposed to know everything about movies such as these, but it was kind of a copout to avoid explaining whatsoever the reasons why many people don’t kill themselves when exposed to the light. They instead become these overly serene pod people, doing everything they can to get the unexposed outside even if it means killing them instead when they don’t comply.

No foolin’, shit like this gives me some tattoo ideas.

I suppose I should try to come up with my own theory… ok, I don’t have any of my own. A couple of Reddit fan theories suggest that unborn children may play a factor into the entities’ powers, especially since mythology know-it-all Charlie discussed demons who could make women see their unborn children as lobsters and spiders.

Other theories suggest that an individual’s disposition may be responsible. Overly negative people such as Malorie and, uh, John Malkovich, spent their time in the movie unaffected. Perhaps if they were exposed to the light’s effects, they would’ve flipped into the awed, positive types that revere the light like it was Jesus or David Alan Grier.

And maybe these people were just recruits planted to force others to see the light! I dunno. I just wish I could’ve seen Machine Gun Kelly punch his own dick to death. I’m sorry that it didn’t happen.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Cast members said John Malkovich had a bizarre connection with the birds on the set. If he told the birds to move their feet, they would.
Even the birds know that when John Malkovich tells you to march, you fucking march.

Sandra Bullock personally asked Sarah Paulson to play her sister in the film.
“Hey Sarah, I’d love for our audience to see you get hit by a semitruck within the first ten minutes of the movie. Thank you.”

Sandra Bullock ran into the camera a couple of times when she was blindfolded.
Now that’s a movie I’d see. Sandra Bullock dropping F-bombs while bruising up her face for an hour and a half.

Guys, maybe I don’t want to join the sorority after all.

In January 2019, a 17-year-old girl in a blindfold taking part in the Bird Box Challenge drove into oncoming traffic in Utah and crashed her car, prompting state police to issue the same warning as Netflix.
Why couldn’t she have just eaten Tide Pods like a normal teenager? Kids these days, man. You need to wait until at least 21 before you do some extended blindfold driving.

According to an article by Helen Bushby, director Susanne Bier suffered “sleepless nights” after Sandra Bullock refused to cut holes in the blindfold she wore for the film.
Well, it sounds like director Susanne Bier shouldn’t have directed a movie about fucked up, invisible entities that cause immediate suicides unless you constantly wear blindfolds without holes cut into them.

Now Playing Podcast reviewed Bird Box. This film received two “recommends” and one “not recommends.”
This lazy piece of trivia receives one “not recommends” from me.

The Mist and Bird Box almost have the exact same opening scene. With the mist opening up with David painting and Bird Box opening with Malorie painting in her studio. These two dystopian movies begin with a calm setting and transition into complete chaos.
At least Bird Box didn’t end with Sandra Bullock yelping like a castrated baboon like Tom Jane after putting a bullet in his son’s head! But I would’ve loved to see it.

The movie included footage from a real-life Canadian disaster scene. On June 6, 2013, a freight train carrying crude oil derailed and exploded in Lac-Megantic, Quebec, killing 47 people. On January 21, 2019, Netflix apologized for including the footage, but refused to remove it from the movie.
“Hey, we’re sorry for using this footage for our horror movie but absolutely go fuck yourself because we’re leaving it in.”

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Sure. I’ll probably never watch it again, but this movie was fun and I’m glad I saw it once. I’ll watch anything with John Malkovich in it! And by that I mean I’ve only seen maybe two other movies with John Malkovich in it.