God I hate Blondie. It\’s one of the 700 comic strips that are still running after 80 years, having been taken over by the son of the son of the son of the son of the guy who originally started it since everyone keeps getting old and dying. Of course, the current guy in charge is most likely 80-years-old himself because there\’s always a sense that the strip is completely out of touch with the modern world. Oh sure, they try to keep up with the times anyway. Blondie and Dagwood\’s dumb, ugly children will namedrop \”Facebook\” and two panels later the milkman comes by the house, stuff like that happens all the time.

In today\’s side-splitting Blondie adventure the dog is trained to be annoying whenever pizza is around. \”I HAVE MY OWN PERSONAL INCOMING PIZZA WARNING SYSTEM\” says Dagwood, which is a punchline that nobody laughed at. Blondie is always extremely patient even though Dagwood is terrible human being. God I hate Blondie.

My absolute MOST SECRETEST of my many secretest of secret shames is that I used to really love Garfield. I bought all the books and watched the TV show. I even did a report on Jim Davis, Garfield\’s creator, in 2nd grade. Of course, Jim Davis hasn\’t had a creative hand in the Garfield writing process since probably the early 80s and the strip is apparently being ghostwritten by children with extra chromosomes.

The above strip is probably the funniest Garfield in 15 years, but that\’s like saying tonight\’s episode of 60 Minutes will be funnier than last week\’s 60 Minutes. It doesn\’t fucking matter, it\’s not funny anyway. Here we have Garfield burping between snores, waking up only to declare that his dream about pizza was the best ever. This implies that he dreams about pizza often and this one was CLEARLY a shot above the rest.

I had a Garfield book once that showed a picture of the behind-the-scenes Garfield staff of about 15 people. Even as a kid all I could think of was \”It takes 15 friggin\’ people to make Garfield??\”. That was in the 90s. They probably employ up to hundreds now. And this strip probably got passed around one-by-one to all these people and they APPROVED it. How messed up is that?

Family Circus is another strip that has been around for way too long and neither you nor nobody you know likes it. Here we have a family of perpetually annoying children who, as cited in the above strip, can never be depended on to do anything right. \”Quick, Billy!\”, instructs the mother, who sports a timeless Demi Moore-from-Ghost hairstyle, \”I have something important for you to do! I trust that you, my eldest son with a blatant and thus far untreated case of ADHD, will be sure to complete my task!\” Then Billy traipses around the house, possibly for hours, before missing the mail carrier by mere seconds. The dust clouds from the vehicle are still visible. This means that the mail carrier had time to see Billy coming and then decided to burn rubber and speed the fuck away at the very last moment! Now THAT\’S funny.

If you can read Family Circus without wanting to punch every one of the strip\’s children in the face then you are clearly reading Family Circus wrong.

UGGGGGHHHH. Marmaduke is the absolute worst of the very worst. I specifically read Marmaduke just so I can be mad at it. I haven\’t yet been disappointed.

Basically, Marmaduke is the world\’s most awful dog. His owners are total pushovers and it\’s very obvious that he is the one in charge at all times. In this shining example, Phil is minding his own business raking leaves (in May) when suddenly Marmaduke decides to call over every dog within a six-mile radius over to the backyard. The nonplussed couple eventually realizes it\’s for a \”sleepover\” in Marmaduke\’s shitty doghouse. No move is made to remove the unwanted dogs from their property. Marmaduke runs the show and Marmaduke gets what Marmaduke wants. These dog orgies happen all the time, no big deal.

This isn\’t a typical Marmaduke strip. In the normal Marmaduke universe Phil would have to stop raking leaves in order to immediately accommodate the guests by building them all bunk beds right then and there. Perhaps he has already done it before. I wouldn\’t be surprised in the least.

The last panel in the Sunday strip is always a fan-submitted story about their awful pets. \”JUDY\’S FRIENDS SAY SKYLAR IS A DRUG DOG!\” is an overly jubilant sentence about the family dog narcing on the family cats who are just trying to have a good time. Sounds like a dog who hates freedom to me, right haha ronpaul4prez

That\’s it for the first edition of \”Sucky Comics Sunday\”. Good thing that there will always be wealth of terrible comic strips. It\’s one of the physical constants of the universe. I might be doing this for a while.