Welcome to the Nugatory Newsroom! Look that word up, it’s real. It’s the newest feature where I take three of the WACKIEST news stories of the recent week or so and give my two cents. It surely shall tickle your ribs or your money back (in the form of Pakistani Rupees).

Yo, what’s in the news lately??

Tampa Mayor Went Fishing, Caught 70 Pound Block of Cocaine

“Mayor Jane Castor caught a surprise haul while fishing off the coast of Florida in late July.” Exciting! According to the article, Castor and her family were fishing for mahi mahi and instead caught something even better and more delicious! Can you even imagine 70 pounds of cocaine? That weighs more than both my children put together, even after a hearty meal of mac and cheese with a bowl full of ketchup.

The estimated cost of the cocaine was $1.1 million after Castor and her family took a couple of packets for themselves as a “finder’s fee”. Personally, I would’ve started using the cocaine as fishing bait just like that one episode of King of the Hill where Hank got arrested for accidentally buying drugs.

I’m still floored that a politician in Florida, of all places, turned in drugs to the police like an honest good Samaritan instead of keeping it all to herself, rounding up a gaggle of corner boys, and selling that shit wholesale on the streets of Tampa. Nothing funds a re-election campaign quite like an illegal drug ring, I always say.

Concerns over sex content leads Florida schools to pull Shakespeare

Florida is at it again by removing books from the greatest writer the English language has ever known off high school reading lists, attempting to beat some of the most podunk of the southern states to the bottom of America’s state education ranking list. Reportedly, there’s too much hardcore fuckin’ going on in the likes of Romeo and Juliet or Star Wars: Kenobi or whatever else the hell this 16th century dumbass wrote.

Some of the smarter teachers in the state, who obviously spent their formative years in one of the better states, commented that the rest of the world must be laughing at them. And rightfully so! I’m laughing at them, and if anyone here could possibly represent the rest of the world, who better than yours truly?

Part of me, though, thinks this might not be the worst idea I ever heard. Romeo & Juliet put my entire graduating class into one big, horny frenzy back in 10th grade. We’re talking girls sweating like Niagara Falls and boys humping desk chairs. It wasn’t long before they all decided to go to — eep — COLLEGE. Good on Florida for making legislation to keep kids out of college. Nothing good can ever come from spending day after day in small town with thousands of other randy 18-year-olds.

California man arrested for breaking into homes and rubbing women’s feet while they sleep

OK, what the absolute fuck is this now? Apparently, this total creep was breaking into condos in the middle of night in order to rub feet and steal shoes. I won’t even dignify this article with a further read, so maybe you can just do it for me.

This reminds me of a guy my parents used to go bowling with that was caught installing cameras in tanning salons. The first thing I always think about with this shit is who the fuck has this kind of time? I can barely even find a moment to throw out the garbage on any given day, and guys with families and jobs are breaking into homes and establishments to rub feet and install dozens of cameras in bathrooms and changing rooms. Get a fucking hobby. Read a book or something, you stupid, sick motherfuckers.

People like this guy need to get rounded up and exploded in a blimp.

Thanks for reading this edition of the Nugatory Newsroom. Check back next time where I post an article about an Oregon man who was pecked to death by ducks after trying to feed them chili.