Yo, what’s in the news lately??

Austria offers festivalgoers free public transport for a year if they get a tattoo

Do you live in, like, Eisenstadt, Austria and are too poor to afford riding on the bus every day to your job making wiener schnitzel for fellow hungry, obese Austrians? Look no further!

“Festivalgoers were invited to get ‘Klimaticket’ (climate ticket) tattooed on them in return for free, Austria-wide train travel for a year. Those behind the campaign say that six people, three at each festival so far this summer, have got a tattoo and received the free ticket.”

The promotion has attracted attention for being a genius way to encourage young people to make really stupid decisions. It has also drawn criticism for being a climate change political promotion, but I think this is a wonderful way to make dumb kids without fully-formed opinions, political or otherwise, turn themselves into walking advertisements for the agendas of nefarious government institutions! Just think of the other possibilities for corporation promotion: Free Pepsi for a year for tattooing “high fructose corn syrup cured my grandmother’s cancer” on your arm! A lifetime supply of Brillo pads for tattooing “I hate the Jews” on your forehead! A box of free Harry’s razors for tattooing a mustache on your face! Come on, people! Can’t you just hear the paradigm shift?!

Putin’s adviser says U.S. is using brainwashing to make gay Ukrainian super-soldiers

Now, I’m not really one to keep up with any news going on out there about “Putin” or “Ukraine” or “gay super-soldiers”, but when you put all three in a single headline then you’ve really piqued my interest, good sir!

“‘Military theorists and historians know which army in Greece was the strongest, remember? The Spartans! They were united by a homosexual brotherhood. They were all homos. These were the politics of their leadership. I think they are planning the same for Ukraine’s Armed Forces,’ Sergei Markov, a former adviser to Putin, said while appearing on Russian TV, Newsweek reported.”

This shit is even better than political promotion through tattooing! We know the Spartans! We all love the Spartans! We as a nation got really hot and bothered by a sweaty, oily, impossibly ripped Gerard Butler from the 2007 movie 300, so of course we’re going to have a proclivity toward emulating the ancient warrior homoeroticism that is so frequently portrayed in our movies and television shows. Why do you think we Americans all want to travel to Greece?

Now, I’ve never heard of straight-to-gay conversion therapy, so perhaps it’s in its experimental stages at the moment. The minute it’s perfected, though, sign me up! I’ll go to Ukraine to fight the good fight while strongly enjoying the company of other men! Sounds my ticket to the comradery I crave.

At least two children suffer injuries after going down slides covered in bear spray

I’ve never heard of “bear spray” before, but a quick HotBot search shows me that this so-called mystical “bear spray” is actually an aerosol can of highly irritant capsaicin. So, it’s basically pepper spray with higher potency! Keep the bear spray off your eggs, Homer Simpson, because that shit is too hot to handle!

As of Friday afternoon, Campbell said police are “playing catch-up” and are in the early stages of investigation. He said it is too early to say if the incident was intentional, but noted, “it is a very unusual place to use bear spray.”

THE SLIDES ARE A VERY UNUSUAL PLACE TO USE BEAR SPRAY! Thank you for the very insightful and intelligent point, Juneau Police Department Lt. Krag Campbell! Next you’ll tell us all that heroin dens contain a lot of drug users, or that car crashes are the leading cause of car crashes.

Some local hooligans were likely responsible for dowsing the playground slides with this very hot and peppery spray. The victims suffered terrifying burns and delicious wounds. I can tell you one thing: ain’t no bears sliding down those slides anytime soon. The playgrounds, arguably, are just a little bit safer now. I urge all government officials in their respective American parks and recreation departments to hose down all playground equipment with gallons of bear spray. If we can’t keep our children safe from bears, then we have failed as a people.

Thanks for reading this edition of the Nugatory Newsroom. Check back next time when I post an article about a mudslide in Papua New Guinea that destroyed a 45-year-old farmer’s extensive Nintendo GameCube collection.