Yo, what’s in the news lately??

McCarthy out as House speaker after Democrats joined 8 Republicans to remove him

This is the biggest lol of the year. If you don’t follow American politics (and why should you? Washington D.C. is just Hollywood for the ugly and untalented), then let me break some hella news for you. Kevin McCarthy is a dumb shithead who got himself ousted from his Speaker of the House position after failing miserably unify the Republican wing of the House of Representatives. This removal of the Speaker from office has never happened before, which continues the now seven-year-string of “never happened before”s that plague the worst free nation in the modern world.

So what’s extra funny about this? Certain MAGA fringe crazy wackaloons like Marjorie Taylor Greene want Donald Trump to be Speaker of the House even though he’s not a representative of the House, let alone someone who doesn’t currently hold office of any kind, let alone someone who is spending most of his waking hours in a courtroom these days. And why would someone like MTG want Trump as Speaker of the House? Because he would be just two assassinations away from become President of the United States again!

lol fuck this stupid country

Former Mike Pence Aide Claims Matt Gaetz Likely Came To D.C. ‘For The Teenage Interns’

I don’t know much about Matt Gaetz’s personal life. I just know that he looks like the lovechild of Beavis and Butthead, which is quite a feat and worthy of fame in of itself. However, disclosures about Gaetz’s pedophilia and child sex trafficking ring pop up often enough on the internet that even uninformed schmos like me can absorb it as common knowledge! Like, Gaetz likes sex with children! That’s something that’s true!

“To say he came as a fiscal crusader, it’s more likely he came here for the teenage interns on Capitol Hill, to be honest,” Short said, referring to an investigation that started in 2020 over allegations that he had sex with a 17-year-old.

Again, more lols from me that one of the visible Republican faces of Congress is this statutory rapist who looks like a Down syndrome member of the Kennedy family. It serves these complete wastes of humanity right that they’re starting to get more press about their alleged illegal behavior. And by “alleged” I mean “propensity to get rock hard erections and fuck their pillows while reveling hedonistically in their”. That’s what I meant.

That’s all I have to say about this one. Someone should launch Matt Gaetz into the Oort Cloud.

Canadian man eats 135 Carolina reaper peppers in one sitting

I like spicy food. I’ve eaten and immensely enjoyed Carolina Reaper-flavored Jelly Belly jellybeans! I may or may not have eaten an actual Carolina Reaper pepper before, but I think I would remember my asshole being on fire.

A Canadian man ate 50 of the world’s hottest chili peppers in a record-breaking 6 minutes and 49.2 seconds — and then went on to eat 85 more. Vegan speed-eater Mike Jack took on the Guinness World Record for the fastest time to eat 50 Carolina reapers, which average 1.64 million Scoville Heat Units — hundreds of times hotter than jalapeno peppers.

VEGAN SPEED-EATER Mike Jack proves that not all vegans are pussies by ruining his digestive system so he could get in the news. The article continues with Mr. Jack’s vapid commentary such as “peppers are hot” and “they make my tummy hurt” and not much else is said.

Mike Jack will die four weeks later of a ruptured rectum. He will leave behind a wife, a son, and five jars of jalapenos in the refrigerator which his family will be allowed to keep per the wishes in Mr. Jack’s will. Visitation will be on January 16th, International Hot and Spicy Food Day. No fat chicks, please.

Thanks for reading this edition of the Nugatory Newsroom. Check back next time when I post an article about swarm of hornets living in a local Florida man’s horrifying empty eye sockets.