Goddamnit, but do I love cereal. I didn’t like it much as a kid, sticking mostly with Frosted Mini Wheats and Oat Squares because my mother didn’t want my teeth to rot right out of my skull even though I’d eat Oreos and Chips Ahoy! cookies by the package like the little fat kid that I was. But I’m a full grown ass adult now and I eat cereal like nobody’s business.

Let me briefly go over all the cereals that are ruining my life right now.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Look no further; the end-all-be-all of addictive cereals is right here. Cinnamon Toast Crunch and each of its spin-offs are the crowning glory of delicious and satisfying breakfast stuffs. I had to make a special mention of it first because it is the cereal that kicked off my long history of cravings in the first place. Since Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I branched off to myriad other cereals that, while don’t hit the spot in quite the same way, manage to kick me right in the ass with a sugar-induced coma! Godspeed, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you sultry little vixen. You’re the gift that keeps on giving.

Cap’n Crunch

Continuing the theme of “crunch”, I present Cap’n Crunch. Original style. No frills. No berries. No peanut butter. The OG itself. Now, I don’t normally go for corn-based cereal. Corn Pops, Corn Flakes, Kix, Trix, these are all bullshit. I make an except for the oh-so-sweet ambrosia that is Cap’n Crunch. The ALLEGATION that it tears up the roof of your mouth is a MYTH. Don’t eat like a flailing dingus and maybe you won’t injure yourself. Idiot.

Raisin Bran

Bring out the 90-year-old grandma within with a big, fatass bowl of Raisin Bran cereal. You’ve got the bran, which has a satisfying earthy taste like delicious dirt, but then you have the raisins, which add an earthy sweetness to the delicious dirt. I’m not trying to dunk on Raisin Bran. I love Raisin Bran! But, if I have to criticize one thing about Raisin Bran it’s that two scoops of raisins aren’t enough! Let’s try seven scoops of raisins, add in more bran flakes, and put it all in a box the size of an IKEA bunk bed. Then I might have an iota of happiness in this dreary existence.

Special K Chocolatey Dipped Flakes

Are you shitting me right now? You’ve got to be shitting me. Speaking of old person cereal, Special K’s line of delicious, delicious flakes and accoutrements makes up the most consistent brand of cereals by far. Fuck you Cheerios, fuck you Chex, you each only have a small handful of delightful options. Special K is fantastic across the whole board, and their Chocolatey Dipped Flakes are TO DIE FOR, SIR. I’m going to buy a box right now. All for myself.

Peanut Butter Chex

Speaking of Chex, I’m sorry I said “fuck you” to Chex. One of the best cereals out there is Peanut Butter Chex, a delightful blend of regular chex with occasional pieces of chex loaded through their little holes with some sort of powdered peanut butter stuff whatever I don’t know it’s very tasty. HANDY TIP: The next time you make Muddy Buddies (the finest recipe involving cereal known to mankind), use Peanut Butter Chex instead of bullshit plain Chex. Your taste buds will thank you, assuming you have talking taste buds. I don’t, but you might.

CinnaGraham Toast Crunch

Once upon a time I ate a whole Family Size box of this stuff within 24 hours. Do you have any idea how much diabetes that gave me? Diabetes coming out the wazoo. Regular Cinnamon Toast Crunch is bad enough, but the Good Lord Our God Jesus Our Savior In Christ knows that s’mores are my jam. Graham crackers? My inner 3-year-old says yes, please.

Whoever had the idea to Golden Graham-ify Cinnamon Toast Crunch deserves a Nobel Peace Prize and a swift kick to the testicles and/or vagina courtesy of my pointy steel-toed boot. I gained 15 pounds because of cereal and you’re the biggest culprit of them all, CinnaGraham Toast Crunch! Grrr!

Special mentions go to Frosted Flakes, Frosted Mini Wheats, Cracklin’ Oat Bran, Lucky Charms, Golden Grahams, Oh’s, Rice Krispies Treats, and Boo Berry. Go buy a box of everything and get fat like me. Your pancreas will take a beating, but that organ needs more to do anyway.