All-Star Superman, Issue #7 – “Being Bizarro”

* Part 7 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #7 – “Being Bizarro”! And I’m back at it after a brief break, having just subjected myself to New 52 Catwoman voluntarily. Yeesh.

In the previous installment, I don’t remember anymore! I guess my brief break was too long! Something about a chronovore and multiple Supermen. It’s was probably dumb and not worth remembering anyway.

This is supposed to be a good miniseries but it sucks! It sucks a lot and I feel ripped off, Grant Morrison, you aging bald jerkass.

All-Star Superman, Issue #7 [June, 2007]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Being Bizarro”

Oh, look at the cover art. Bizarro Superman looks like a lumpy, wrinkled old man. Superman is beating up an old man! How noble! What’s next, kicking old ladies in wheelchairs down the stairs? What a menace to society!

Remember Mr. Quintum? Well, I barely do, but I can tell you that he’s looking for a “missing Bizarro technician” and if he doesn’t, then it’s CURTAINS for the lot of them. He and his assistant, whom I don’t remember whatsoever, are in an alternate reality called the Underverse. The conditions are shit, and it’s impossible to tell what the hell is going on. I blame the artist, a person they found in a McDonald’s dumpster scrounging for delicious rats.

“Tell them I think there may be a lifeform down here,” Quintum radios to, like, Ground Control, or something. “Something big. Coming closer.”

Meanwhile, Superman is fighting a space squid. In space! The squid suddenly floats away for reasons that are not readily apparent. Superman makes a really dumb “buhhhh” face, turns around, and heads back toward Earth. Suddenly, a big swarm of Bizarro beings intercept the caped crusader and sends Superman off-course into a cube-shaped Earth-like planet. Bizarro Earth! Oh snap, ladies and gentleman, the Cubes will rend Superman asunder! Verily!

Jimmy Olsen is at a party, dressed like a slob, with fat men like Perry White and scantily-clad women like whatshername from the Daily Planet building. Karen? Constance? Taylor Swift? Olsen looks out the window and sees humanoid objects entering Earth’s atmosphere and slamming into the ground with excessive, sexy force. “Guys, the holiday season just got bent,” he says like he’s Bart Simpson wearing sunglasses. “Chief! Everybody should proceed to the roof, I’m serious.”

Chief Perry Mason White doesn’t want to haul his obese ass to the roof! Far from it! It’s going to take more than a bunch of Bizarros to ruin this “fancy” Christmas par–

On second thought, maybe we should call it a night.

So a blank Bizarro slate grabs the fat woman’s face and Bizarros its way into a veritable lookalike contest. “Great Caeser’s ghost!” Perry White exclaims like a grandma from 1820. He starts smacking the shit out of the Bizarro with a fire extinguisher and politely asks Olsen to get in touch with *pulls out phone book* Superman.

Bizarro Fat Lady tries to attack a guy and falls out of the 17928-story window. The guy is like “don’t worry guys, she touched me but I’m immune to the persuasive powers of the Bizarro” while Perry White looks like he’s about to smack another bitch with the fire extinguisher. Olsen tries to get Superman on the horn with no luck (probably because he’s sucking dicks on the Cube Planet).

Bizarros are taking over the city. It’s not a pretty sight. All lumpy and misshapen. Enough to make a man cry.

A Superman-like figure crashes to the ground from the sky, but something… looks… off… about………… him.

Our hero!

Conveniently, the real Superman flies on down to Earth all like “EVERYONE IS SAFE NOW!” even though no one is fucking safe. Not by a long shot. Bizarro Superman breathes fire on him, but Superman is impervious to flames just like he is for bullets, blunt force trauma, drowning, falling air conditioners, and black holes. “I’LL TRY OUT ONE OF MY NEW POWERS!” Superman yells befuddlingly. Then he zaps Bizarro Superman with electricity.

He asks Bizarro Superman what the Bizarros want today. Bizarros never organize like this! They usually flounder around like fishes!

“AM NO WANT FIGHT YOU! WANT ALL YOU AM NO BECOME BIZARRO!” the thing yells, confusing us all. Elsewhere, Jimmy Olsen and his ragtag team of frightened Daily Planet employees scamper to the roof of the building while lumpy Bizarro creatures give chase. Olsen talks about hacking the commercial blimp network in case he needed to impress a girl. Can you imagine?! “The commercial blimp network”. I’m laughing at that. Nothing gets a woman horny like a blimp.

There’s a fucking blimp waiting for the them on the roof. They all board the blimp. A goddamned blimp, guys.

Bizarro Superman flies into space for, again, reasons that probably make sense to only the most stalwart of Superman fans. Olsen tries to get in touch with P.R.O.J.E.C.T. via his Apple Watch. Quintum is like, ugh, this little pisspants again? Fuuuck. Quintum tells the kid that they’re currently dealing with a planet eater (!) and that they’re trying to disguise itself as the Earth (?) and that the sun makes it nauseous so it’s only attacking Earth’s dark side (!).

Jimmy Olsen is like, ok, let’s just find some sunlight then. Badabing badaboom fuhgettaboutit.

Are you for real right now? What the FUCK are you even talking about?

Superman grabs the blimp and flies it to the side of a very, very cold mountain. A barely-dressed Lois wants Superman to wait up, but Superman is like “Sorry, Lois, I was tied up with the Nebulon Monsters from Planet Kurntz who are actively attempting to turn the nanobots into picobots in order to infiltrate our precious, delicate capillaries and steal blood for the Moon God of Earthly Delights.”

Perry White flags down Superman and tells him that Lombard here *jabs thumb toward jackass* seems to be immune to the touch of the Bizarros. Superman says “ok great!” and he sticks his dick in Lombard’s mouth. And then Superman requests a look inside him with his keen x-ray analysis powers. “Hmm. I can see what made you immune,” Superman says, eyes glowing blue. And then he implies that it’s Lombard’s viagra that is staving off the Bizarros. That gets another lol from me, friends!

Jimmy Olsen tells Superman that sunlight can hurt them. Because, you know, the sun and stuff. “I’m thinking… if we had a gigantic space mirror…” he says dumbly. “Couldn’t we reflect the sun’s rays across the Earth’s night hemisphere?” Olsen raises a finger smartly.

Superman sticks his stick in Jimmy Olsen’s mouth and then tells him that it’s a great idea. All they need is a GIGANTIC SPACE MIRROR, you fucking dingus. Superman’s idea is to move some of the Bizarro planet’s HUGE oceans! Olsen smiles like this makes any goddamned sense.

Lois tells Superman not to go, but he must! He says “Merry Christmas” and then bolts away like Uncle McTouchy-Feely after he’s caught fondling the children after Christmas dinner.

Superman flies to the Cube Earth and blows up a mountain. This somehow lights up Cube Earth and hits all the Bizarros with sunlight. Bizarro Superman is sad that the fight is over. Superman is like “believe it, buddy”. Go back to the underverse from whence you came, scum.

Apparently, the Cube Earth is now “burrowing into the cosmic sink beneath regular Earth’s universe”, which means the gravitational pull is increasing and the sunlight is receding to the red end of the spectrum, which means Superman’s powers are waning and disintegrating and disappearing and obliterating and sequestering. “Bizarro, I need your help or I’ll die here and leave my world in danger!” Superman cries. This is dumb.

Bizarro doesn’t want to help. End of story.

“But one in every 5 billion copies is flawed,” Bizarro mansplains. “Unique. Different. Not mindless like these shambling mockeries – but sensitive and self-aware. Suffering, alone in a world of confusion.

Superman asks who he’s talking about as a large figure looms over them.