Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Cherry”! In the previous installment, Clint Barton and Kate Bishop crash a Cirque du Nuit “event” full of thieves who thieve the audience and then there are thieves who start thieving from the thieves themselves. They’re all thwarted. Barton later says that, although he can do it all himself, he would really like Bishop to help him out with all his missions with the promises that he won’t try to sleep with her at all.

This makes her kind of sad. I think she wants him to sleep with her!

Hawkeye (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [December, 2012]
Written by: Matt Fraction
“Cherry”

“Okay…” Hawkeye says as he’s involved in a high-speed chase with what appear to be white men in white helmets with AK-47s. “This looks bad.”

“Really… really bad.”

But it’s not that bad! Hawkeye promises! He also promises that things aren’t nearly as bad as they look, right? Right? Right. In fact, it’s only the third-most stupid idea in a set of nine! And it sounds like he’s going to go over each one.

Nine

Clint Barton is in his apartment with Kate Bishop explaining how he’ll be organizing all of his trick arrows. This is dumb idea #9.

“Um. Long and pointy? Keep. Broken and/or dull? Toss.” Bishop really knows how to simplify things. She finds what Barton calls a Boomerang Arrow.

“Why the hell do you need an arrow that comes back to you after you shoot it, Clint?”

“Because… boomerangs.”

Eight

Barton goes out to get some tape. They’re for labelling his nocks, whatever sexual paraphernalia that is.

“Never should’ve left my apartment–” he says as we cut back to the car chase. Barton produces a Bola Arrow, which has little balls on strings that wrap around one of the enemy’s guns. He laughs like it’s the biggest fucking joke in the world. Bola Arrow! Ridiculous!

Seven

After failing to buy tape, Barton sees a 1970 Dodge Challenger outside the store. “Man, I always wanted one of these.”

The redheaded owner tells him to buy one. Barton asks if hers is for sale. She’s like “yeah, if you got money.” Barton has money.

Six

And he’ll be getting that money tout suite!

And then he’s like “wait, shit, is it stolen?”

Who knows if it’s actually stolen! It’s the car that they’re driving during the chase. Cut back to the chase.

I don’t speak “MMMPH.”

More chasing occurs.

Flashback to earlier. Outside his apartment, Barton sees four of the exact same car, each one labelled on its side “01” through “04” like some kind of old-timey NASCAR, parked in succession behind his new 1970 Ford Bronco Challenger Audi Whatever. These are the cars that will start gunning him down later.

Five

Barton had boned the redhead. *high five*

We get to see part of Clint Barton’s buttcrack. This kind of debauchery would anger Captain America, so it’s a good thing he’s not here right now!

Barton thanks the Nameless Redhead for helping him buy some tape! For his nocks!

Time to pony up the dough for the car. “Girl’s got a flight to catch,” she says.

“Mm. So what kinda trouble does a girl need to go from driving out of town to selling her car and flying… taking pretty much nothing with her?”

“Ask me no questions; I’ll tell you know lies,” she responds, taking the fat envelope of fat a$$ bill$. Barton is worried now.

Then someone suddenly kicks his fucking door down! BLAHABALAHABAHBABAB!! Men in helmets and tracksuits start gunning down the place for reasons that are not immediately obvious.

Majestic like a beautiful swan in the moonlight!

“Anything is a weapon if you’re in deep enough trouble,” he says, grabbing a lamp. He does exactly zero damage with it before getting a head full of butt. Butt of a gun, that is.

He’s out cold.

Then he wakes up next to a pile of his and his fuck buddy’s clothes. “Okay, this… this is bad.”

Barton calls Kate Bishop at his apartment. She asks why Barton still has a dang landline like an 80-year-old before she even asks who it is.

“How did you know it was me?”

“Who else would be calling your sad ass?”

Barton says it’s no time of hijinks and goofabouts. Some lady he boned just got kidnapped by guys wearing Gary Spivey-lookin’ helmets and they need to go find her and stuff. “How are we gonna find one single car in New York City?” Bishop asks him.

Barton looks at his phone. “They’re on the west side highway heading to Jersey. My stuff is in her car. Including a Tracer Arrow.”

Huzzah! That makes things easier, don’t it?

Bishop waits for Barton outside.

Hey, my man-bits aren’t on trial here!

Four

He enters the car shirtless. She checks out his abs, which you could grate cheese on if you want to be gross. He puts a shirt on and tells her to cork it.

They end up going fast enough that they t-bone the 1970 Ford Escort Challenger Acura Whatever. Bishop calls it a metaphor for Barton’s love life, whatever that means. Barton t-bones during his sexual escapades? Doesn’t sound very sexy to me.

“Get out of my damn car, ass,” Barton cusses – cussin’ up a storm – as he throws the dude out of the driver’s seat. Bishop gets in and hands Barton a Putty Arrow. It covers the tossed-out-of-the-car dude with sticky, ropey, mucus-y goo. Nailed ‘im! Ha!

Three

The present.

As Barton and Bishop drive off, with what’s-her-face gagged and tied in the backseat, the four cars give chase. Barton whips out a Sonic Arrow, which whips through the air with an “EEEEEEEEEEEEE”. Then he grabs an Explosive-Tip Arrow, which handily explodes Car #03. Nailed ‘im! Ha!

“We’ve got more power in the long run but in the short they got more get-up-and-go as they only got about eight pounds of car to move,” Barton thinks. Car #02 scoots near the driver’s side and cracks off the rear-view mirror. As it swerves off the road, Barton grabs a Cable Arrow and attaches a cord to a semi-truck. With the cord taut, Car #02’s top gets ripped right off and Barton hits him with a Smoke Bomb Arrow. Bing boom win. This is what the trade calls an “action sequence” and it’s “glorious”.

They reach a bridge with Car #01 hot on their heels. Traffic is starting to thicken and Barton gets nervous. He whips out a Rocket Arrow and attempts to launch, but the semi-truck merges right into them for some fool-ass reason. Barton misses his target.

Stop it, that electricity is cold!

Now it’s Suction-Tip Arrow time! Obviously! Barton sticks it to the top of the Aston Martin Cadillac Pontiac PT Cruiser Whatever, whips around, and does some real dipshit maneuvering on top of cars going 70 mph, rolling around like a weird dingus, until he pulls out an Electro-Arrow and zaps the driver of Car #01’s neck like a cattle prod.

Two

Now Barton’s car crashes into Car #01, totalling both and sending Barton flying to Nebraska.

After regaining consciousness, he sees the driver (with his gun) in a stand-off with Bishop (with her bow and arrow). “You don’t be smart guy, ‘k bro?” the guy says while Barton stays supine on the road. Now the guy points his gun at Barton’s head; demands from Bishop the bound and gagged girl in exchange for the hapless Barton.

Barton yells at Bishop to loose the arrow. “Fine,” she says, sending it upward at a 45-degree angle. It’s the coveted Boomerang Arrow. I must say, I didn’t expect it to make a reappearance! I should have known better! *punches own forehead hard enough to shatter bone* Stupid stupid stupid. Stupid Tom. Bad. Stupid and worthless.

The gun dude smiles triumphantly, but, of course, the arrow zooms back around and THWAKKs the guy in the neck. He lets out a hearty “–KKG–” and drops to the fucking ground! Nailed ‘im! Ha!

Redhead is impressed. Barton smiles a crooked smile, praises the almighty Boomerang Arrow, and probably bones the redhead again right then and there. Right in front of Kate Bishop.

Later, they make it to the airport somehow even though the Corvette F-160 Chevy Buick Escort Whatever is completely trashed. Barton and Redhead flirt a little bit more before Redhead needs to catch her flight.

One

Then they kiss.

Final Thoughts

OK, this was one of the better issues of a comic book I’ve read in a while. Thrilling, thematic, interesting, courageous, a little bit gassy even. Keep it coming, Hawkeye. This is some good shit, bruh.

Although we still don’t know this girl’s name or why she was being chased. Hopefully we don’t lose focus on that next time.

Oh yeah, maybe it’s “Cherry”. That’s the name of the issue! *smacks forehead hard enough to launch myself into space* Stupid stupid stupid.