Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #1!

I know nothing about this series and I’m going in blind on purpose. I saw the word “anarchists” somewhere and I’ve already been spoilered!

No more ado! Let’s jump right in!

Black Science, Issue #1 [November, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender

“It wasn’t until I met everyone else’s measure of success that I realized I’d failed myself. More importantly — I failed you, Sara.”

There is some sort of cosmic blast. Two figures in Metroid Samus Aran suits are running away from it. The narrator does the whole Butterfly Effect thing. Each little choice can alter the course of the future. One suited-up mofo, Grant, trips over a branch like a real damsel in distress. The other suited-up mofo, I assume, is Sara. The woman whom Grant failed. I’m paying attention so far!

There’s a universe, or an alternate dimension, where Grant didn’t fail her. Where he didn’t obsess over “forbidden science”.

The two are running away from dinosaurs! Honest-to-god dinosaurs! Or maybe metal dinosaurs? Hard to tell. Some real Jurassic Park shit going on already. SCIENCE!

The duo run up to a dead end – the edge of a tall cliff. “Jesus, what do we do, Grant?!” Sara yells as purple lightning streaks through the air and weird, giant tortoises roam the waters. Grant suggests turning around and “facing them”, which sounds like a dumbass plan to me. Grant’s an idiot, I can already tell.

Sara suggests jumping, which is a much more sound plan. Her name is actually Jen. Jen suggests jumping. You have to keep up with me in real time, here.

“Will Shawn know?” says the Grant-like narration. “Will he remember what happens if the pillar doesn’t get coolant?”

THE PILLAR NEEDS COOLANT! RULE #1 OR IT’S DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND OVERHEATING PILLARS!

Grant tells Jen that the pillar has not been prepped with coolant! The pillar needs fresh water! Shawn might use swamp water, and that’s a damned no-no! Or else it will explode! As pillars do sometimes! And this means people will die. And that’s never good unless you want people to die. Depends on which side of the fence you’re on with that situation.

Jen dies gruesomely. Something rock-like flies through the side of her helmet. “Her face disappears. A mist of red, frozen in time.”

“Because I ignored Ward.”

They sure are throwing a lot of names at me all at once. Like I’m smart enough to remember… four people.

Aww, cute, it said “rhaikiki”! ^__^

A yellow reptilian jerk with a club rides a dinosaur like a horse. Grant is so startled by its sudden appearance that he jumps backward off the cliff. Which sucks butts, because Grant needs to be back in ten minutes or his children will be dead. Dead like the rest of Grant’s team. See, Grant is such a fuck-up that he got everyone killed. No Heaven for you, involuntary manslaughterer.

And it’s all because he delved back into…

BLACK SCIENCE!!!

*Family Matters intro theme*

Grant falls, falls, falls into the water below. He looks upon a tall pyramid (Aztec-like, not Egyptian-like) with a pedestal that glows purplish-red, taking in the energy of the creepy lightning. He is surrounded by yellow reptilian jerks with clubs. They narrowly miss Grant with a face-destroying rock. He runs away, continuing to narrate like a complete sad-sack.

Sara is Grant’s wife. Grant has children. Grant deserves what is happening to him. His family does not. We don’t know that for sure, yet! What if his children are little arsonists? What if Sara committed genocide? We simply don’t know the facts!

Grant swims away as rocks pelt the water. There’s still time for him to make it right. To make all this go away. To cook a nice Stouffer’s dinner and watch COPS.

Grant breaches the surface about 45 minutes later and sees a big stone frog statue with a not-stone frogs guarding it. The frog has a spear. “RIBBIT” it is heard to say. “Keep running,” Grant thinks. Good idea.

All Hail the Frog God!

Running away. That’s what Grant always does when things get too hard. Too much time sequestered in his lab. “And when it was too much – there was Rebecca.”

Grant checks his fancy holowatch. Five minutes to go. Eek!

The Anarchist League of Scientists was all Grant’s idea. “There is no authority but yourself” was the only rule. The second rule of ALS is don’t talk about ALS. Especially around Lou Gerhig.

Grant goes into some sort of cave, where he discovers more Froggies. They wear medallions and furry scarf-like neck ornaments. Grant sees doors that lead to some sort of temple where the pillar is housed. He holds his hands up and tries to walk past the leering frogs, but they start firing bolts of electricity at him. It ain’t pretty.

“Vision goes upside-down. Thermal burns. Heart in atrial fibrillation.” Pooped pants, too.

Grant musters enough energy to tackle a frog. “THIS IS MY CHILDREN’S LIVES!” he screams. Then the carnage continues – ripping off frog heads, sending a message to the other frogs. The other frogs back down like Ron DeSantis.

He continues to mull over what led him to this point. Why he did what he did. What he wanted to say to the world. What he wanted to leave behind. The key to saving mankind? Ha! Is that worth fucking up with your family? Hardly! Maybe?

Grant sneaks up to a room with a large dining table, filled with food and candles and a scantily-clad fish table dancer. The attending frogs are popping froggy boners while they sexually harass and torture her. “A cat toying with its food.” Grant has no sympathy – those fish monsters killed Jen! Remember? From five minutes ago?

OK, so Grant gathers some sympathy. He misses his daughter, and surely this fish woman is someone’s daughter too? Grant bursts into the room, grabs the fishy woman, and books it before the frogs can react. “I won’t stand for that sort of autocrat bullshit – not in any dimension.”

Grant busts out of a window and lands in the water. Fresh water! Perfect for the pillar! And–

Again with the fish monsters? Grant is surrounded. One recognizes the fish lady. Its wife. They kiss grossily. Frogs have arrived. More fighting.

Yeah, ok, that’s enough science for me today.

The fish husband, grateful for the return of the fish wife, defends Grant and allows him to run off to safety. “60 seconds before my invention evaporates them all – lungs won’t take air – years of weed, stress, and inactivity –”

Grant has a team waiting for him to return from whence he came. Kadir, Rebecca, Shawn, Ward, all our favorites. If the pillar jumps before Grant gets back, his kids will die. Don’t you know that by now??

Miraculously, because he had fresh water, Grant returns! But where’s Jen? Did you fuck her and leave for dead again, Grant, you sly dog?

It is revealed that a smashed control panel further prevented Grant from coming back with assistance. Sabotage? Grant’s kids are there, Pia and Nathan. He tells them that Jen is dead. *slicing motion across throat* As a doornail, kiddo.

One second left on the timer. Grant grabs his kids. “We’re going home.”

A brilliant flash from the pillar sends everyone… to a World War I bunker littered with dead soldiers. “WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!” yells Shawn. Grant chides the doofus for not setting the homing frequency. We all have a good chuckle.

Wait, Shawn did set the homing frequency?! Then what happened?? Kadir, clearly the boss of the group, calls them all incompetent.

Grant’s dumbass son asks if they’re home.

“No, son…” he says as a giant space warship floats above them, blasting futuristic soldiers left and right.” “Far from it.”

Whoops, lol! Shoulda taken a left turn at Albuquerque!

Final Thoughts

I’m somewhat intrigued, but I’m not bowled over. I don’t care much for fish and frog monsters, to be brutally honest with you, dear reader. If this is comic that I’m getting into, then, sir or ma’am, I’m in for an uneven ride.

The art’s a little muddy, too. I like cartooniness! That’s something I’ll need to get used to.

All in all, we’ll see.