Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, had a not completely unpleasant run-in with the Blood Knight. He’s accepted a quest from this mysterious, scary figure, probably because he would be murdered by a sword if he didn’t pretend he was excited about it.

“Excellent, mortal! You have pleased me well. I would complete this task myself, but until the Goddess’s arrival I cannot risk standing in sunlight. As soon as Kiaransalee comes, she will grant me physical form. Then, for a time, I may roam free. Now go, fulfill your destiny!!!”

Uhh… not sure I want to touch this sword… seems like it will send me to Hell. Or Bayonne, New Jersey.

Milhouse gets released from whatever spell he was under that caused him to be frozen in his tracks and listen to the Blood Knight’s inexcusable long-windedness and mansplaining. The Blood Knight returns a state of inanimate objectness, so to speak. Still shaken from the encounter, Milhouse exits the house and finds all his belongings neatly arranged in a pile. That’s awfully convenient! Not a thing is missing! It’s almost as if it would have made sense to leave everything in the house! Oh well!

He picks up his newly acquired sword, his sack o’ stuff, and his bearings, and sets off for more adventure!

-Milhouse adds the Sword of Goddess’ Wrath to his inventory. It does 1d8 of slashing damage + 1d4 of fire damage, and it gives a +2 bonus on attack rolls against any undead creature. Far out, man.

-Shit, I forget that I have a +5 attack bonus on any cast spells. I could have defeated those Giant Wolf Spiders after all! Good thing I “did”, heh heh heh.

Shaking himself, thinking it all might have been a dream, Milhouse continues heading north along the path in the wood. He lets his guard down about possible traps since he has spent hours traversing through long stretches without incident. Eventually, he comes across a strange man wandering along the path. Bolstering his boldness and, with a complete lack of social anxiety, Milhouse strikes up a conversation with the man. He seems friendly enough, Milhouse observes. “Do you live here in Weathercote Wood?” he asks the man, obviously hitting him up with a hot meal and a feathered bed like a mooch. “I do,” he responds with a twinkle in his eye. Sounds like this man has an appetite for short little elves. He mentions an ability to talk to the wood; the birds, the deer, the trees. “They are all my friends.”

Milhouse notices several other weird things about this guy. He has the slimness and height of a halfling, but he has a deep, soothing baritone voice like Nick Cave! Plus, Milhouse now realizes that the man is resting his feet on what looks like the head of crumbled statue. Curiosity killed the cat, but Milhouse can’t help himself. “What is that statue that your rest your feet on, friend?”

Nothing to see here, folks. Haven’t you ever seen a man lounging on the head of a statue before?

Awfully presumptuous to call this man “friend”, don’t you think? The man thinks so, too. He furrows his brow and asks Milhouse what he’s doing here and what he wants. “You come here and disturb my reverie? How dare you?!” The man points to the statue. “You’ll suffer the same fate as him if you’re not careful, my friend!”

Eep! Milhouse is taken aback by the sudden gruffness. The man now sounds like Birthday Party-era Nick Cave. “I meant nothing by it, friend. Just curious,” Milhouse says meekly, but the man does not accept the apology. He asks Milhouse to be on his way immediately. Not wanting to UNLEASH THE BEAST any further, Milhouse leaves the odd, aggressive man to himself and continues on his way. He goes around a bend cut into the wood by a small river and continues on, instilling his earlier cautiousness after the less than ideal run-in with the man.

-Stealth check (D10) = 10 + 3 = 13. Stealthy it is. He checks for traps (Roll Perception D9 = 19 + 0 = 19 = Success! No traps found.

After kicking trees and scraping the ground a bit, Milhouse determines that it’s safe to press on. Eventually, he finds a clearing that looks like a good place to rest. After all that Blood Knight business (and after almost having to fight a man to the death, probably, maybe, not really), Milhouse needs to soothe his aching bones! Finding a nice, sturdy hollow tree truck, he unfurls his bedroll and gets cozy. The provisions are scarce and hunger hasn’t set in, so he feels like he could go another day or so without his stomach eating himself. Milhouse lies down and quickly falls asleep to the gentle sound of the wind whispering through the wood…

…and has the most refreshing sleep of his life.

-Milhouse recovers 1 hit die and all of his hit points, which means… uh… he recovers completely from that strenuous spider fight… yeah…

Encouraged by the newfound pep in his step, Milhouse explores the clearing. Sticks, twigs, wildlings running around all willy-nilly. Milhouse pauses and soaks in the sights. Perhaps one day he’d like to settle down here in Weathercote Wood… as long as strange men resting on statues don’t harass him. The idea dissipated as soon as it entered his mind.

Milhouse is an idiot and will not first send in a canary.

Milhouse discovers a large, elongated hole in the ground in the area. Not one to shy away from sinister-looking holes in the ground, Milhouse approaches it, edges forward every so slowly, and peers down into its depthy blackness. Hmm… part of Milhouse wants to back away and forget about the hole, but the more adventurous part of him wants to bungee down that hole while screaming in ecstasy. Meeting the middle ground, Milhouse carefully climbs down into the hole. After a litany of tumbling stones and rocky grabs, he reaches a dark bottom and winds through a burrow that gets darker and darker as he progresses…

…but then he sees a light! There is definitely something ahead. Milhouse continues, realizing he’s travelling through an old, abandoned mine. Rusted equipment, such as pickaxes and excavators, lie against the walls. But ahead, oh ho, but ahead a fire burns in a brazier. Whatever that is! *checks dictionary* A barbecue. Is someone nearby…? The brazier brings a very comfortable warmth to the cavern, but it’s still quite unsettling that the place seems to be recently inhabited… or even currently inhabited! Oh no!

More investigating reveals a small recess in a cavern wall that holds a locked chest, a small stack of scrolls and books, a pile of random items such as silver goblets, scattered jewelry, even paintings leaning against the wall. One of the scrolls appears to be a map of the mine. Milhouse now realizes that he has stumbled upon a thieves’ den, and is torn between running away as quickly as his little elf legs can carry him, or staying put and exploring more. A conundrum to say the least.

But that will be a decision for another time, my friends! What will Milhouse do? I hope you don’t lose sleep over this fuckery.