Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, encountered a mean man in the woods and then discovered a big, fat hole in the ground. The hole led to an long-unused mine that is now a thieves’ den. Instead of running away like a smart boy (because I would if I stumbled upon a goddamn thieves’ den), Milhouse investigates and explores like a dumb-dumb.

A cozy little place to slit some throats!

The cavernous abandoned mine appears to be empty of thieves, squatters, rogues, princesses, and smelly dwarves. Milhouse finds a recess in the wall with a locked chest, a pile of scrolls and books, and a pile of jewelry, trinkets, baubles, knick-knacks, and paddy-whacks. Simultaneously nervous about getting caught and excited about the prospect of scooping up a ton of treasure, Milhouse decides that an extra few minutes here in the mine wouldn’t hurt. The wizard in him is really attracted to the pile of scrolls and books, and he chooses first to thumb through them. There is a possibility that he might find something useful related to either his Death Knight quest or his Blood Knight quest! A lot of knights and a lot of quests; things are getting fun all over the place.

One book is hollowed out. The wizard in Milhouse is livid that someone desecrated a book like this, but the sneaky looter in him is pleased to find three pieces of jade, two large pearls, and a blue spinel. Milhouse, knowing that these rare gems could buy him a couple of Xbox Series X’s, shiftily looks around and pockets him to the best of his clandestine abilities.

-Milhouse gains 1000gp: the three jade pieces and two pearls are worth 100gp each, the spinel is worth a whopping 500gp.

Milhouse is ready to start pushing his luck a little bit and decides to try looting the lock chest. First, of course, he needs to check the chest for traps. A spoon could catapult hot acid into his eyeballs if he tries so much as licking the lock with his tongue. Better play it safe.

-Checking traps requires a perception roll (DC 17). 18 + 0 = 18, so I lucked out. I didn’t cheat, I swear to god man. What do you take me for?

Yep… it’s a treasure chest all right…

After poking and prodding the chest with a pointy stick, Milhouse notices a trigger switch in the lock mechanism that could possibly launch a poison dart right at his jugular vein. Further inspection reveals that the trigger switch is so intricate that it would be impossible to disarm without being some sort of world class Robin Hood-type thief. And even if Milhouse had thieves’ tools, he wouldn’t be able to use them without accidentally stabbing himself in the dick. Despondent, he quits while he’s ahead and makes his way out of the mine and back to the surface.

…at least he tries to make his way out of the mine. After rounding a corner of the cavern, Milhouse hears voices. And not just the ones in his head, real voices! He spots a pile of boulders off to the wall in the corner of the area and dives behind them just as he sees a pair of legs start descending the hole.

Stealth check time (DC 14). 16 + 3 = 19. I’m not cheating, damnit. I mean it.

Milhouse is well out of sight of whomever is approaching.

“…at the end of next week. How long did you say the journey was, Bradigan?”
“That’s right, I forget you’ve never been to Neverwinter before, country boy! Well, about two weeks, but if we find horses we could cut that by half, and then…”

The voices fade in and out as at least two individuals traipse through the mine. Once they fade out completely, Milhouse runs like a motherfucker out of dodge. As he reaches the surface, he hears cursin’ and cussin’ below. These thieves had obviously discovered the missing gems, but Milhouse is safely back up through the hole before anyone is the wiser. After a quick check of the sun above, he chooses to head south.

-After approaching a green dot on the map, I need to roll a d100 to see if I avoid danger. 1 -25 = absolutely not. 26 – 51 = maybe. 51+ = yes! I roll an 81.

Yep… it’s a red tree all right…

He hears rustling in the woods, but nothing comes of it. Thank the elven gods, whomever they may be! But before he starts walking again, he sees a weird red tree in the direction of the rustling. Does he dare check out the dang tree?

Yes! It’s a dumb idea, but Milhouse hears the rattling of gems in his pocket and feels lucky as a duck! No incident occurs as he approaches the tree, with its red leaves and red trunk and general aura of redness. Looking up into the branches he sees nothing, but Milhouse is nimble and the tree looks easily climbable.

-Athletics check (DC 9). 16 – 1 = 15. Milhouse flexes his Perfect Muscles.

Soon, he’s at the top. The view of Weathercote Wood is simply breathtaking. Like, you know, WOW man! Actually, in all honesty, there’s nothing to see other than a canopy of trees and some clouds that are shaped like bunnies and hot dogs. Milhouse descends the tree and takes a long look at it. The red aura is strong. Being a wizard, Milhouse does his wizardly duty and checks the tree for magic… There is definitely magic to this tree, but it’s impossible to tell if it’s good and lawful or evil and chaotic! Milhouse snaps off a nice, thick branch from the tree and makes a fashionable walking stick out of it!

-Deduct one spell slot, which means I’m down to two. I add “red tree branch” to my inventory; it can deal 1d4 damage. It sucks, but hey. More weapons!

It is time to rejoin the path and continue on. After about 20 minutes of uneventful walking, Milhouse comes across an enticing pile rocks off to the west side of the path. Not one to leave a pile of rocks uninvestigated, he pokes and prods the pile and sees nothing more than a spider crawling across. Sighing, he continues walking, wishing there was more adventure to be had. Maybe he should have just stayed back and slayed some thieves. Oh well.

WELL, WASN’T THIS ANTICLIMACTIC?? WILL MILHOUSE FIND MORE EXCITEMENT IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT?? TUNE IN!!