Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie & Friends (Vol. 1), Issue #116!

Archie & Friends (Vol. 1), Issue #116 [April, 2008]

”Teen Paparrazi” – George Gladir

Archie used to intern at the Riverdale Gazette or Herald or Times or whatever their stupid podunk town paper is called. He invites his token black friend Chuck to meet the editor of the paper, Mr. Woodrow. You see, Chuck drew a lot of raunchy cartoons and he’d love the whole town to see! Show him, Chuck! *Chuck produces drawings of penises in various comical anthropomorphic poses*

Mr. Woodrow doesn’t have time for such childishness! They’re filming a dang movie in Riverdale, son! The whole staff is on top of it! And the movie looks like shit: there’s a robot in it, it seems. Ugh.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Chuck,” Archie says half-assedly as the leave the building. “There’ll be another time, I’m sure!”

Chuck is like “whatever”.

Among the throng of the public, the movie crew, and paparazzi, Archie spots Reggie and Veronica soaking up the action. “Riverdale’s only teen paparazzi are about to make photo history!” Reggie smiles mischievously while pulling down his sunglasses in the universal act of “looking mischievous”. Reggie holds up his shitty 1870s camera and groans about the other paparazzi already there. Tough competition! Reggie has his work cut out for him, it appears. Good thing he’s as determined as a horse in heat! As they say.

Veronica, ol’ sly Veronica, she tells Reggie that he doesn’t have to worry! The Lodge family has rented out their shitty mansion for filming on location. Ain’t that something? Veronica has to sleep in a tick-filled trailer for the next 20 days, but it’s worth it.

Oh yeah, then what do you call THIS? *pulls out colonoscope*

Archie gets so steamed up about this that he plans on buying a terrible Kodak disposable camera so he can take blurry action shots of H-list celebs. “And I’d like you to help me sneak into Veronica’s home theater!” he adds, much to Chuck’s chagrin. Why, because the black kid knows how to break into homes, Archie? Fuck off.

Meanwhile, only the most famous celebrities are currently in Veronica’s home theater, like “Johnnie Schlepp” and “Mindzy Moanan”. Some guy who looks like Samuel L. Jackson is there, too. He’s smiling and he looks stoned.

Archie and Chuck drive up in Archie’s convertible Ford Focus and notice the throng of fans and paparazzi crowding the Lodge Manor front gate. Not a problem! *floors it, bashes everyone into the gate going 130mph* But really, Archie bucktoothedly tells his fair-weather friend that there’s a back entrance that he used to sneak through whenever he wanted to SURREPTITIOUSLY FUCK VERONICA. Chuck can’t come, though. It’s a secret! Just stay back and draw those stupid cartoons of yours, buddy.

In the theater, Veronica whispers to Reggie that all the photos need to be secretly shot. So slither up and down the aisles on your belly like a snake and try not to grab any ankles. Reggie will do anything at this point; with dollar signs in his eyes, he imagines being able to sell blurry photos of Hilary Duff for hundreds of millions. Meanwhile, having successfully snuck in the back, and with his 45-cent disposable camera at the ready, Archie prowls around the theater as well…

Then Reggie and Archie accidentally take pictures of each other creating a flash with the brightness of Little Boy. Both of them get kicked the fuck out, earning the mirthful laughter of the professionals. Like this: HARDY HAR HAR.

Archie sheepishly returns to Chuck, hands in his pockets. “BOY, DID I GOOF!” he huffs, embarrassed for goofin’. Chuck says it’s ok! He just got tipped off that a bunch of stars, like Scmalec Schmaldwin and Schmillie Schmeilish, are going to be at Riverdale’s ritziest restaurant tonight! (Arby’s with a disco ball)

Magically, there are no paparazzi at the restaurant when they arrive. Archie and Chuck will get the pick of the litter! Look out Regis “Dead” Philbin, prepare to get your corpse dug up and photographed!

Then a limo shows up and Archie gets stampeded by a gaggle of girls on their way to roll the car over.

Chuck’s middle-aged “waiter friend” has a vast collection of Crash Bandicoot bobbleheads at home. Do you want to come over?

Reggie and Veronica are already at the restaurant to snap a photo of Mindzy Moanan, lead actress of Poop Fisting Gigasluts 6. Behind Reggie, crouched next to a column, Archie stands there with his own camera going “heh heh I’m gonna get some of dem shots too, boy”. Then a waiter fucking trips over Archie and accidentally pelts Mindzy Moanan and Johnnie Schlepp with cake.

Needless to say, Archie gets the boot. “Poor Archie, he keeps getting the ol’ heave-ho!” Chuck says, bringing some much-needed urban slang to Archie Comics.

The next day, Archie and Reggie both try selling their photos to Mr. Woodrow, the guy who decides which comic strips are juuuust racist enough to squeak by in the Funnies section. “Sorry guys!” he says, throwing the piles of their photos in the shredder and then emptying the contents of the shredder in Archie’s pants. “None of your photos are quite good enough!”

Mr. Woodrow has a glint in his eye. They’re shooting a sequel in a few years, maybe everyone will get a second chance. Meanwhile, Chuck dropped his sketchpad full of woke cartoons on the floor. Woodrow notices it and tells the kid that his drawings of the paparazzi pooping their pants is hilarious! He cuts Chuck a check for $72 with the memo “Penis Pump” and sends the kid on his way. Archie and Reggie are beside themselves!

“Uh… Chuck, when you get a chance, could you give us both some drawing lessons?”

“Yeah, but why?”

“Forget paparazzi photographers! We both want to become PAPARAZZI CARTOONISTS!”

*laughtrack is so shrill that it cuts through my lower intestine like razor wire, filling my pants with blood diarrhea*

”Back on Track” – Mike Pellowski

Hiram Lodge is hosting the Rapid River 500 racing event, and he won’t let Betty participate on account of sexism! “It’s too dangerous, Betty!”

Oh, maybe it’s not because of sexism. It’s because Betty fucking totaled the car she drove in the previous year’s race. Betty asks for the opinion of car chief “Spinout”, who says “listen to Mr. Lodge, dear, he has millions of dollars”. Now she asks crew chief Archie’s opinion, who says “let Betty drive the dang car, sir, she turns 16 next month”.

HIRAM LODGE HAS MADE UP HIS MIND! Betty, go in the kitchen and make a pie! Driving isn’t for women!

Betty tells Archie to get out of the room, she has some very diplomatic things to say to Mr. Lodge such as “go fuck a duck” and many such similar sentiments. Meanwhile, Archie tells the rest of his crew (Jughead, Reggie, Chuck, Veronica, and Carl Weathers’ ghost) that Mr. Lodge ain’t budgin’. Also there is Carlo Bonita Quick, a driver for the Carp Racing Team (the CRT, as I’m calling it from now on even though it will never be brought up again). She’ll speak some sense into Mr. Lodge for some reason!

“Why would you do that?” asks Archie, setting up the afterschool special you see before you.

“Because I think more women should be involved in the sport of racing,” says Quick. “Especially if they’re as qualified as Betty!” Then she and Veronica go into the room to talk some sense into Lodge.

“Wow!” says Chuck. “Not only is Carla pretty quick on the race track – she’s also pretty nice!”

“If you ask me…” says Archie (uh-oh), “…she’s just pretty… period!”

Uh-huh. Good work, Pellowski, you’re writing a real winner here.

Thanks for the blowjob, ladies! Now, let’s keep teaching the readers at home about the dangers of sexism!

“Carla helped change Mr. Lodge’s mind!” Betty jubilates toward Archie. Then it’s settled: Betty is going to drive the Mach Five. Quick is going to drive one of those cars you have to turn with a crank.

Later, at the Rapid River race track, local stud DALE JONAS is here to talk some smack toward Betty Cooper. Now, this kid is established as Betty’s racing nemesis and you need to read the previous 1,900 Archie comics to understand why, of course. They flirt, certainly, because they want to fuck each other, you see, and the trash talking commences! “All you’ll see of me during tomorrow’s race is my rear bumper!” Jonas laughs. “I wouldn’t bet on that, wiseguy!” Veronica jumps in to Betty’s rescue with that megaburn. Looks like tomorrow will tell the tale, won’t it? I can’t wait!

*commits suicide immediately*

Tomorrow is here AND THE RACE IS UNDERWAY!!! DALE JONAS IS IN THE LEAD WITH BETTY COOPER TRAILING BEHIND HIM BY A HAIR!!! Third place is Quick, who isn’t very Quick.

(!!!)

Later, the three cars are neck-and-neck, as they have been for the entire 1,400 minutes of the race so far (only 3,600 minutes left to go!) Betty complains to Archie that her dang pit stop lasted so long that her hemp pants sprouted. Archie tells her to cork it and just catch up to Dale Jonas, ya janky.

There were no survivors that day.

After almost every car on the track crashes into each other, killing everyone instantly. Betty continues to trail Dale Jonas by a smidgen. “Bring it in the next time around, Betty!” screams Archie through his outdated headset. “You’re low on fuel and you need new rubber on those wheels!” Like Archie knows anything about cars. Betty is the car lady here! Archie isn’t the car lady!

Betty protests: Dale is headed for pit road! Now’s her chance to fucking lose him in the dust! “I know this is a bit risky… but this may be my best chance to win this race!”

Archie says shut the fuck up and bring the car in.

Betty is like “OOOOKKKAAAAAAAYYY.” She brings it into the pit and they refuel and replace the tires in seven seconds, breaking a world record once held by *checks notes* Dale Earnhardt’s *checks note* dead body.

“Thanks to the fast work of Betty’s crew, she emerges from her pit stop just in front of Dale Jonas!” yells the narration. How fucking convenient that Betty Cooper is going to win this useless race. First prize is a punch in the fucking nose.

Long story short, Betty wins (yawn). Dale comes in second (double yawn). Quick comes in third (yay).

This public service announcement is brought to you by Valvoline and the Suffragette Movement.

Final Thoughts

Good job Betty Cooper on driving a car like a hero and beating the jerk who is not a hero. Archie is proud of you and he’ll give you a giant cartoon lollipop when you get home.