The aliens are coming and not even your outdated landlines are safe! This scary specimen is ordering pizza.

I was trying to wrap up a very busy day at work last week hitting large pieces of metal with smaller pieces of metal, or whatever the fuck it is that I do all day, when one of my more annoying coworkers started talking to me out of the blue about how his entire family has stories of their alien encounters. This annoying coworker–for anonymity’s sake let’s just call him HALEY JOEL OSMENT–proceeded, without prompt, to regale me with all sorts of BONE-CHILLING anecdotes ripped off right from his favorite episodes of X-Files and Rick and Morty: when he was 10 years old he was playing in his backyard at his house and a big, stupid, cartoony UFO came out and hovered above him. He went in to get his parents, and when the three of them came back out…oh man, what do you think happened next?? I thought he was going to tell me that it was no longer there, that his parents didn’t believe him, that only he knows the truth, but instead he told me there were THREE UFOs waiting when they all came out! Fuck me sideways! What a terrible story!

As it turns out, my coworker didn’t suddenly smell toast and start chatting to me out of nowhere about secret Antarctica research bases all run by one single secret unified world intelligence organization hiding advanced alien technology and iPhone 27s! There was a method to his madness! He already had aliens on the brain! Haley Joel Osment was giddy about the release of the Pentagon UFO report later this month:

One of the many curiosities packed into the $2.3 billion omnibus spending and coronavirus-relief package passed by Congress in December was a stipulation requiring the Department of Defense and the Office of the Director of National Intelligence to deliver an unclassified report on unidentified flying objects to Congress within six months, compiling what the government knows about about UFOs rocketing around over American airspace.

The report — which comes after a slow, four-year drip of reporting and government admissions on UFO sightings — could be delivered to Congress as early as June 1. Regardless of what’s in it, the release will be the most direct and substantive U.S. government account of what officials call unidentified aerial phenomena (UAP) ever made public. Below is a guide for those who want to believe — or at least understand what to expect from the Pentagon’s unprecedented act of transparency.

Pretty exciting stuff! Finally, in our lifetimes, we will know the real truth about all these aliens flying around Earth all the time, typically in rural areas, observed only by children, hicks, the mentally unstable, Trump supporters, Trekkies, glue sniffers, high school dropouts, IT technicians, and Haley Joel Osment. I’m looking forward to cracking open that report myself! I can only imagine what may be revealed at last! I’m going to make a few predictions about what’s finally coming out of this report that should have been made known to the public a long-ass time ago:

Our Lord and Savior is an alien himself and he’s hiding it rather well, but only I know the truth.

Aliens are the ones putting mind-controlling fluoride into our tap water and toothpaste
No shit, sherlock! According the Gary Busey Alien Handbook it’s a well-known FACT of SPACE NATURE that most extraterrestrials are fluorine-based and their fluorine-based excretions are leaking into our water supply. He also goes on to say for 750 more pages that every toothpaste conglomerate is owned and operated by these fluorine-based extraterrestrials and all their carbon-based subordinates are in the pockets of Big Fluoride.

So how can I actually BELIEVE Gary Busey? Are you kidding? How dare you? Gary Busey is the universe’s ONLY trustworthy individual, fluorine-based or not, and I recommend grabbing his other books as well: Bettering Yourself Through Beating Up Yoga Nerds and, of course, You Too Can Find Jesus in a Grotesque, Helmetless Motorcycle Crash As Long As You Also Had a Cocaine Overdose in 1995.

I know what you’re thinking now. “WAHH, BUHHH, OH TOOOOM, HOW AM I S’POSED TO KNOW MY MIND IS BEING CONTROLLED, HUH? DUURRRFF??” Well, that’s easy: you don’t believe in aliens, right? Exactly. While you’re spending your days not believing in aliens, the aliens are out there controlling our minds! Controlling us to not believe in them. Sinister!

Aliens shot John F. Kennedy
Oh man, this one is so obvious you’d have to be some dumbshit drinking the Kool-Aid to not see it. Lee Harvey Oswald didn’t shoot JFK! Do you really think some 24-year-old nerd like Oswald could even hold an inhaler let alone a gun?? Please, it was aliens! I’m not even going to waste my time explaining, you wouldn’t even understand. Let’s just move on.

Aliens also shot Lee Harvey Oswald
Come on, do you really think aliens were going to leave the Kennedy assassination open-ended like that? Hell no! You know that famous of photo of Jack Ruby shooting Oswald, the one where it’s obviously Ruby killing him at point blank range? Nah, it’s aliens. Check out my figure below for THE PROOF and just decide for yourself, if you’re ready to OPEN YOUR EYES and WAKE THE FUCK UP.

I think it speaks for itself.