Chicago’s claim to fame, the most famous structure in the city! The spectacular… *checks notes* …uh

Happy 9/11 everyone! What a day that was! It was a day fraught with anxiety, fear, uncertainty, and terror. I don’t think anyone waking up that morning knew that the world would be different from that day forward…

Hmmm? I don’t know what you were thinking about. I’m talking about September 11th, 2011, the day I permanently moved to Chicago and then spent the next nine months eating Ramen noodles and trying my best to only spend $0.41 a week! That was exactly ten years ago, and that day also happens to be the exact halfway point between today and that other 9/11. Were you thinking about that one? Yeah, not me, I forgot about that one! I swore I would never forget but, haha, old age, you know?

Ten years is a long fucking time to be anywhere. Day after day, I wake up in my Chicago third-floor condo unit, trudge off to work, sit there completely glazed-over on the train, sit there completely glazed-over at work, sit there completely glazed-over on the train again, and then sit there completely glazed-over on the couch before I haul my glazed ass to bed. I take the whole city for granted constantly. There’s buildings! And landmarks! And events! And festivals! And filthy underpasses littered with used needles! And I never do anything here except sit at my laptop and write out snarky blogs about living in Chicago. And I’m not going to change anytime soon, I’ve got kids and a mortgage and stuff. I’m not allowed to have fun anymore (not that I ever did anyway, come on). But that doesn’t mean I can’t pretend to pretend that I want to have fun!

As a dumb little exercise, I’m going to crack open a few Chicago bucket list webpages that are near the top of the Google search results (because fuck effort) and point out some things to do in this city that I’ve never done and never plan on doing! Join me, will you?

Rejuvenate at the ancient baths
Yeah, what the hell is this now? The ancient baths? Am I in Rome? There’s nothing “ancient” about anything in a city that’s less than 200 years old.

Well, according to their website, AIRE specializes in recreating the ancient bath experience! Sounds gross! And they operate in seven other cities worldwide so it’s not necessarily a unique Chicago experience, now is it? A bold and risky addition to a Chicago bucket list, if I do say so myself. Let’s check the website’s FAQ for more to pick apart about this:

-Is it safe to go to AIRE? “Yes.“
Well I’m convinced!
-Will there be other people in Baths with me? “Yes.“
Gross!
-What do I need to bring? “We kindly ask that you bring a bathing suit, however we have bathing suits to borrow if you do not have one.”
Double gross! Fuck this place. If I wanted the ancient Roman experience I’d, like, you know, do some chariot racing. Or flush a toilet.

Visit the Garfield Park Conservatory
Why should I visit the conservatory? So that Colonel Mustard can murder me with a wrench? Not today.

The Garfield Park Conservatory, named after Garfield the cat and his love of parks, is one of the biggest in the United States. It’s full of plants that look just like the plants you can find by the road 20 feet away. I heard that all patrons are allowed to eat any five plants of their choosing, so I might just do this one day so I can eat some plants! You can just keep coming back every day and eat any five plants you want! I don’t think any other conservatory in the world allows its guests to do that! Chicago really is something special.

Ahhhh, yes, Chicago’s world-famous skyline! Take advantage of those daily single-rider UFO tours! Hop on!

Attend Lollapalooza
Oh hell no! I’m not spending hundreds of dollars to stand outside for ten hours in 90° weather pressed up against five incredibly high and sweaty suburban high school kids while I watch Dave Grohl’s greasy, stringy head bob around the stage. If anything, they should be paying ME! I’m as serious as a heart attack about that sentiment. You can’t even drag me kicking and screaming to this cesspit of musical culture. Next!

Attend a Chicago Bulls game at the United Center
Now, I’m no BASKETBALL HISTORIOGRAPHER, but I don’t think anyone has given a shit about the Chicago Bulls ever since the ’90s when that one guy was the best pro basketball player in the history of the entire league. What was his name again? Ugh…crap, the name is similar to that one kid who was in the Creed movies? Black Panther. Michael B. Jordan? It’s something close to that. Anyway, I can’t remember the basketball guy’s name, but he was like the Michael B. Jordan of basketball.

Enjoy the view from the top of the Sears Tower
Yeah, ok, I haven’t done this yet, but I’ve walked by the building numerous times! I’ve probably taken as many steps near the building as it would take to walk all the way up to the top, so maybe, in a sense, I already have done this! And it was boring, let me tell you.

The Sears Tower has a new name now, of course, and people love it when you call it the Willis Tower instead. People in Chicago love it when their buildings and stadiums change names, and reminding them often is good way to make fast friends with the locals.

OK, fine I won’t be a total buzzkill. I have done stuff in my ~3,650 days living in the city. Here, check this shit out, son:

Seinfeld takes place in New York City, which is LIKE Chicago! Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

THINGS I HAVE DONE IN CHICAGO!
-Bought groceries
-Eaten at a restaurant
-Cashed a check
-Taken a bus
-Bought a shirt
-Watched Game of Thrones
-Cooked lasagna
-Built a crib
-Played Skyrim
-Got a tattoo
-Bought some jeans
-Bought concert tickets and didn’t go
-Ate at least one hot dog
-Watched all of Seinfeld when Hulu picked it up
-Vacuumed my floor
-Wore a belt
-Replaced an air conditioner unit
-Bought some socks
-Flown a kite
-Shoveled a sidewalk
-Went to the dentist
-Held a duck

So yeah, I have done things! Chicago is great, you guys. I wholeheartedly recommend, you know, living here. If you want to. I mean, it doesn’t matter to me one way or another, I guess.