I think most people take comfort in the stability of the Sunday comics page. Half the strips are basically older than modern medicine. Sensibilities remain stubbornly rigid even with decades of time in the rearview mirror. Punchlines are being greenlit today that your own great-grandmother would have rolled her eyes at in 1932.

Nevertheless, they press on. Like zombies, they will continue trudging along brainlessly long after you and I are dead.

Take comfort in the stability.

Beetle Bailey

Beetle Bailey can gulp down my entire dick and balls. I hate this comic. Just a constant spewing of tepid “punchlines” from some of the most dumbshit cartoon characters you’ll find in the newspaper funnies section.

Let’s see what all the mummified baby boomers have to say about this.

meloidogyne: “The Boogie Woogie boys from Company B?”
thegeezer: “So B company has no barber – or inspections ?”
Real Reagan: “Optional panel: ‘The feeling’s mutual.’”
Gerald Bailey: “We had a private in our unit named Runkle. We called him Rip Van Runkle.”
The Rambling Otter: “I don’t know why being ‘lazy’ in the army makes for a better unit, but okay”

Good God. Do you all have grandchildren that refuse to listen to a thing you say? Is that why you all feel compelled to be completely boring in the comments section? Ugh. Like I’m also one to talk! Let’s just move on.

Doonesbury

Doonesbury was the subject of minor amounts of griping in my house while I was growing up. It’s a liberal strip, after all, and there really aren’t many overtly liberal strips in the Sunday funnies.

I think Doonesbury is dull as shit, but the constant controversies that it has drummed up since its inception has been amusing to me mainly because it’s often due to Garry Trudeau running with information he read or heard about before fact-checking anything. Stuff like Dan Quayle dealing drugs, or George W. Bush’s IQ behind half of Al Gore’s. Sometimes, Trudeau uses phrases right from the news, and Bob from Pahrump, Nevada doesn’t want to see the phrase “semen-soaked dress” in his comics section.

Here’s what the attention-seekers in the comments section have to say:

Susan00100: “What on earth are “tinder dates”??”
brucer31245: “You don’t have to be in a war to have an Alive Day. Don’t know exactly when mine is. Sometime in July ’49 I stopped breathing after polio. Luckily there was an iron lung handy.”
Brockie: “Just checking to see if this site has any relevant statements to make about todays real world situations, nope. Ukraine?”
aluminati.: “Tinder dates? It’s where sexual obsession usually turns to comic hijinks, the loss of one’s self-respect and money.Just ask Quagmire on Family Guy.”

Even more entertaining than Doonesbury! I wanna hear more from the polio guy. He sounds like a fucking trip.

Blondie

Blondie is the worst of the worst. Every single Blondie comic is rife with the most frustratingly stupid subject matter, dialogue, character interactions, and punchlines bereft of anything adjacent to humor. I hate Dagwood’s haircut. I often wish death on the children. I wish an airplane would crash into their house. I especially hate how everything seems so hopelessly trapped in a 1948 cultural wasteland. I don’t care how many iPhones they cram into a Blondie strip, it will never feel like it has achieved escape velocity out of the Truman adminstration.

And what do I hate most about today’s particular strip? The fucking typed note taped on the front door of the Bumstead house. So goddamn dumb. I hate everything.

Scott Williams: “Those two little worms should be eating peanut butter and jelly not eating dags good deli me at”
Mike: “Building a new generation of gluttons.”
Donald G Weston: “They call the strip Blondie, but Dag is the main character.”

lol, yeah, thanks for all your essential commentary.

God, why do I subject this to myself?