Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2 – “Playtime’s Over”

* Part 2 of 7 of the Faces of Death storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2 – “Playtime’s Over”! That implies that playtime had ever begun in the first place. That’s debatable! In the previous installment, Gotham’s police want to take down Batman per the mayor’s orders even though Batman is single-handedly stopping all the crime in the city. What else is new? An uptick of murders in the Joker’s hands brings a nasty stormcloud over Batman, and he needs to figure out this guy’s motives and patterns yet again! How many times can this Joker really pull a fast one? After 80 years? Hang it up.

Batman does catch the Joker, though! But he doesn’t kill him, he just puts him in Arkham Asylum like an idiot. This is exactly where the Joker wants to be, Bruce! You’re playing his game!

Joker arranges for a guy called “the Dollmaker” to slice off his face. Isn’t that neat?

Other than that I don’t know what the hell is going on yet! I’m having a great time.

Detective Comics (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Tony S. Daniel
“Playtime’s Over”

More like “Defective Comics”. That cover kinda makes it look like Batman’s riding a roller coaster. Batman: The Ride is my favorite one at Six Flags: Great America! Make sure to get the front row.

At Wayne Tower, Bruce just happens to be scaling his own personal climbing cliff when some guy named Hugh Marder stops by to talk to him. “No need to cut your workout short. Mind if I join you?” he asks while disrobing. He looks like Fabio, all shirtless and muscle-bound. He starts scaling this cliff without a harness, like a moron, just like Bruce Wayne.

They both exchange pleasantries and are now on a first-name basis with one another! That’s so sweet, you guys. Marder has come to tell Bruce that he has been “outbid by Q-Core in Seattle”, but Marder is still very impressed with Wayne Industries. It’s suspected, after doing some research, that Wayne can get Marder’s company up and running a year faster than Q-Core! With all the bells and whistles and blowjobs that Marder needs! Technology moves very fast, no time for dilly-dallying, hmm?

Marder is curious, though. Why would Wayne Industries take such a big risk in financing Marder’s Pretty Painted Easter Egg Christmas Ornaments startup? “It’s good for Gotham City. It’ll create jobs. Lots of them.”

Lots of Easter Egg painting jobs!

Bruce’s secretary announces the arrival of his 2:15pm appointment, which didn’t exist in Bruce’s clear schedule. No more shirtless rock climbing for now. Bruce excuses himself from Easter Egg Hugh and makes his way to get his dick sucked by some other corporate shill.

Ah! Not a corporate shill, but a sexy reporter! Still, though, Bruce won’t be getting his dick sucked today. Charlotte Rivers has a SCHEDULE to keep and Bruce is late for getting her the EXCLUSIVE that he promised!

Gah! Sorry, my lustfully sultry succubus!

“My viewers want answers, Mr. Wayne.” she scolds while Bruce stands there sheepishly. Answers to questions such as “how are you so fucking rich when it seems like you spend a lot of time fucking around and climbing cliffs in your office and smooching your butler?” and “just what is going on with you, sir?”. Some theorize that he has had himself cloned in order to do everything he does. Others theorize that he has built himself an identical robot! Myself, I think that he was created as a wish-fulfillment object for fat, insecure, sweaty nerds (*cough Kevin Smith cough wheeze*). And furthermore!…

Nah. Bruce starts seducing her and it works right away. They begin to kiss. Bruce shuts off the lights in the room. Bonin’ ensues.

Forty panels are shown of Bruce’s penis thrusting in and out of Charlotte’s butthole. And if you believe that, then you believe Hugh Marder has an Easter Egg empire.

“Mmm. This worked out wonderfully. This might have to be my new tactic with you,” says Charlotte after a passionate (*checks clock*) 49 seconds. Too bad she has to resort to sticking with her Angry Reporter gimmick in order to get past the secretaries for some much-needed (*checks clock*) …uh, quality time.

She asks him if he would like to get dinner at 8pm after her taping, but Bruce isn’t listening. He’s staring out the window of his 8,000-story building, watching the stars. “Sorry– I just remembered I have to be someplace tonight.” Bruce grunts, getting up and walking away like a rude non-cuddler. BUT, hey, don’t worry, he’ll slot out the entire weekend for her! Promise! Heh heh!

Charlotte doesn’t want a weekend getaway. She’s content with just hanging out with him at her own place. She just wants a normal fucking weekend.

Ain’t gonna happen.

BATMAN SPEEDS OFF ON HIS BATCYCLE! NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NANANANA NANANANANANANA–

“Last night someone helped the Joker escape from his cell. And all that was left behind was the skin of his face. Somewhere out there the Joker is free. An insane killer without a face,” he thinks to himself after presumably launching off a ramp since he’s a million feet in the air.

Dr. Arkham and Commissioner Gordon investigate the now-unoccupied cell. “Obviously someone who knew how to bypass our security system is responsible,” Arkham tells a scowling Gordon. Without a trace! Like a ghost came in and morphed through the walls and took the Joker back to its Ghost Hut! So Gordon’s calling all his best detectives over. “So you’re saying I should get used to your stormtroopers marching around my halls, harassing my staff?” Dr. Arkham calmly jabs. Pffft. Whatever. Gotham has like two good detectives. The bat is going to solve this case, idiot.

Arkham reminds Gordon that this is a house– nay, a sanctuary— for the very mentally disturbed. Not a Nazi prison camp. Even though Dr. Arkham does tattoo a number on each patient and he does have about thirty gas chambers. Nevertheless.

“Unless the Gotham City P.D. gets your full cooperation, I will shut it down,” Gordon warns, setting himself up to be fucked with just like he was in Batman: Year One! Don’t you ever learn, Gordon? You’re gonna get hit with a baseball bat again, sir.

Dr. Arkham reminds him that closing his asylum would ruin his political reputation. Plus, regarding the patients, “no one else wants them.”

♪ ♫ Detectives doing detective things! Detective Comics! ♫ ♪

Harvey “Steve Bannon” Bullock arrives to brief the Commissioner. There’s the unmistakable scent of cheap whiskey and street pussy on his breath, no doubt. “Nobody’s seen nuthin’, nobody’s heard nuthin’,” he reports! Sounds like a cold case to me! Let’s regroup in about seven years. Gordon excuses himself for a smoke and steps outside to the roof where his bat butt buddy awaits.

“I know what you want and I can’t help you,” Batman grunts, knowing full well that he can help Gordon…you know… with his… urges. Listen, I’m writing this at 2am and I’m very sleepy. Let’s just–

OK I’m awake! What Batman wants is to see the creepy face. Gordon says NUTS TO THAT. So, next, what Batman wants to see is the creepy little girl Olivia Carr. Gordon says OK I’LL HELP YOU THERE and gives him some surveillance photos. The man who claimed to be her uncle is actually Ray Quimby! And I’m like ohhhhhh! Haha! …who’s that! Gordon says Ray Quimby was an accomplice to a killer that HE HIMSELF brought down over TEN YEARS AGO OOOooOOOo.

Ok, I fess up. I’m still awake and typing. But DETECTIVE NOIR comics deserve some DETECTIVE NOIR atmosphere so I’m listening to Bohren & der Club of Gore and sipping whiskey with Sprite. And wearing a Dick Tracy hat.

So Gordon says he’s already got tons of manpower scoping out Quimby before he does something murderously murderous to the girl. Meanwhile, Batman wants to know more about this killer he’s heard so much about within the last 14 seconds! Wesley Mathis was the name, and cutting up victims and eating them was the game. Mutilated bodies! Sound familiar? (hint: the Joker ain’t got a face).

So Batman doesn’t believe in coincidences. Fine. But that means that the Joker was a victim, the killer is still out there killing, and now what? Huh? Smartypants? Now what? Detective Batshit? HUH? Batman has a simple answer: “The Joker willingly had his face removed.”

THAT GUY CAN FIGURE OUT EVERYTHING RIGHT AWAY, HUH?

Gordon gets radioed: they have a visual on Quimby’s car with the little girl inside. Then Gordon gets only silence after this message. Let’s move move move move! Batman’s already 4,181 steps ahead; he swings into action!

*swing*

Things aren’t adding up. Yesterday this guy was nowhere to be found. Now he’s everywhere to be found! But at least the girl isn’t dead yet, so things are looking up! Batman motorbikes his way to Car 242, the car that radioed Gordon, and discovers no one in the seats. Eep.

Gordon radios dispatch, who tells him that Car 242 isn’t active tonight! Eep!

Batman smells something weird, like a rotting-corpse kind of smell, kind of this putrefaction vibe emanating from the nearby industrial building. He investigates.

Gordon arrives at Car 242’s location as well. There’s a sudden thumping noise. People fuckin’ on the sly? Oh god, we can only hope. Gordon inches over to the car, opens the trunk, and…and… AND…

Batman has reached the top floor of the building. There IS a dead body, so that’s good! I mean, good that the smell wasn’t just his imagination, heh heh. But here’s what’s strange: Ray Quimby is dead! Strange, right? He’s got about five knives sticking out of his torso. Strange. That’s a lot. Most dead bodies have no more than two. Very strange.

All right, sir, joke’s over! Stand the fuck up NOW! You’ve got three seconds, you silly goose.

A nice whiff tells Batman that this stink ain’t coming from Quimby. I mean, he probably pooped his pants, but the whole building is overwhelmed by some other, more menacing stank. And the closer he gets to the source of the smell, the louder the sound of flies becomes. Something here has been rotting way longer than Quimby…allegedly.

He enters a room and discovers the decomposing corpse of a Gotham police officer. Aha! Case closed! Now, if this guy’s been dead for like half a day, then who called Gordon from Car 242, and ALSO, wh–

BATMAN GETS ATTACKED BY A COUPLE OF GREEN GUYS! OH NO! RUMBLE! HE NEVER SAW IT COMING!

These dudes give him a lickin’. Batman barely has any time to think about how much his ass is getting kicked right now, but he does notice these two summa cum laude graduates appear to be wearing meat on their faces like the guy from yesterday that Joker killed.

Helloooooo, Nurse!

After being briefly outmatched, Batman finally starts getting the upper hand in the fight when his whole left side goes numb. The ol’ tranquilizer in the arm! Classic. Then he gets knocked across the dome with a sledgehammer. WHOMPP. And stay down!

Nurse Wretched over here wants to harvest Batman’s eyeballs, as you can plainly see. Orifice, a lovely name if I ever heard one, gets right in Batman’s face and relays his interest in popping dem eyeballs right out of his head. Batman headbutts him in the teeth. The nurse is about to land another sledgehammer blow on the man bat when she is stopped by a booming voice entering the room:

“This is the infamous Batman– Gotham’s very own ‘caped crusader’. We don’t treat him like the common rubbish we’re accustomed to. No, he is special, and more than that, he’s an extremely valuable collectible.”

This man purports to be Nurse’s and, uh, Orifice’s, father. Nurse whines. She found him! She gets to work on him! Nurse’s name is Matilda. Not much waltzing happening, though.

Collecting Batman will put this talkative nutsack on the map! Batman asks who the hell he is, and this new guy with the pube dreadlocks brings out a buddy of Batman’s as an answer.

“SEE? SEE WHAT THE DOLLMAKER CAN DO?!”

Here’s what the doll maker did! Are you ready?

…

I’m going to bed.

*burp*

OK, for reals though. The Dollmaker brings out Commissioner Gordon, who looks all dead and shit. He’s got large stitches traversing his neck and face, as if other pieces of face were grafted on for no reason! He’s also wearing sunglasses because he’s still cool as a cucumber, man.

Batman’s mad.