Memorial Day Weekend is here, and I’m going to celebrate by subjecting my eyeballs to some more newspaper trash from the toilet.

The Amazing Spider-Man

From the very little I’ve actually read and/or paid attention to from the newspaper comics flavor of Spider-Man, it’s not funny at all! Spider-Man is supposed to be funny, and in the one medium where he should be funny, he ain’t funny. And anything that actually is funny is completely by accident.

Take this particular strip, for example. It’s hilarious!
“NO human being is a friend of THE LIZARD”
“I’ve got to become– THE HULK!“

It’s a good thing Bruce Banner is already shirtless! That’s half of the transformation right there.

agent222: “Guess what Bruce? Your Gamma irradiated genes have been diluted by that transfusion from Spidey. Hulk time, will have to wait.”
Judith Stocker: “I love it when these super characters go after each other. Lots of great artwork.”
David Rickard: “Such as incompetence, easy unconsciousness, “spider sense” that fails as the plot demands (see the antepenultimate panel)…?”

Thanks for commentary you insufferable fucking nerds.

Take It from the Tinkersons

I’m not willing to take anything from the Tinkersons, but if I must, I suppose it’s going to have to be topical humor from 2014. Did Tinkerson strip mastermind Bill Bettwy find a selfie stick at his 26-year-old granddaughter’s garage sale and laughed at the kids-these-days absurdity?

I’m assuming this is Ted’s overweight boss, who has either a really stupid hat or an alarming hair situation. Perhaps if he had glasses he’d be able to see himself in the mirror in the morning! Har har. Perhaps the funniest thing about this strip is that Ted shows an expression of intimidated confusion and then actually has a selfie stick on him in the office. A multifaceted punchline. That’s called art, my friends.

Chrysi Cat: “I’m increasingly having to take my glasses off to deal with the phone because the typeface is too small at arm’s length, but I can’t focus on close objects with them on if I’m tired enough (and the myopia/presbyopia combo pretty much sets a spot about 6 to 8 inches ahead of my eyes that’s clear for one eye at a time, though not binocular vision, with glasses off).”

Thank you, Chrysi Cat. This is the only comment posted and it does the work of four weird boomer-ranty who-gives-a-shit comments for the price of only one!

Pluggers

Fuckin’ Pluggers. Real salt of the earth kind of people. A bunch of plaid-wearing hicks from Big Mud Possum Scruff, Arkansas who hump their trucks and don’t own anything in their homes more technologically advanced than a toaster.

The only thing worse than a Pluggers strip is a person who contributes to a Pluggers strip. Doug Stevers sat his 400-pound butt in his chair and handwrote a letter to Pluggers Inc. to vent about the audacity of vehicle efficiency, cleanliness, and environmental consciousness. He probably writes to Crankshaft too.

jpgrego: “Not funny…”
Diamond Lil: “A real plugger would remedy that situation”
Teto85: “In most states he would be pulled over for gross pollution and the vehicle impounded on the spot.”

So yeah, most comments are either admonishing this Plugger for not keeping his truck maintained, sharing their own boring stories about some piece of shit they owned in 1974, piping in with their vast knowledge of car failure troubleshooting tips, or, the rarest comment, berating this Plugger for contributing to killing the environment. No one has anything to say about the “humor” of the strip. Because there isn’t any!