Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #429

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #429!

I’m starting my classic Archie adventure with, arguably, the most well-known multi-issue crossover story in its history. Who will Archie choose?! Betty, the blonde girl who smells like diesel? Or Veronica, the raven-haired girl who smells like diesel. What a conundrum!

Anyway,

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #429 [November, 1994]

”Love Showdown (Part 1)” – Dan Parent

So, per the cover art, Betty and Veronica are working on dismembering a hapless Archie. I hope they succeed!

“Oh boy, it looks like Archie’s fallen under the Lodge spell,” jubilates a crown-wearing Jughead.

“Oh no, not again!” Betty looks (fake?) worried. She slaps her forehead in exasperation!

Archie is wandering drunkenly down the street, hearts a-flutter around his head. He’s worse for wear, this kid. It’s not even 8am and already he’s creaming his stupid ginger pants over Veronica. Betty is pretty fucking angry. She gets right up in Veronica’s face and is all like “look basic bitch, Archie is my boy toy. You feel me?”

Veronica laughs! Surely you jest! “I’d like to take credit, but I haven’t seen him today.”

Buh-what? Oh yeah, Veronica usually gives Archie the ol’ blowjob eyes during lunchtime. This is someone else who has captivated Archie’s meandering attention! Betty and Veronica won’t stand for this! Time to go cunt killing!

“Archie, we demand to know why you are acting this way!”

“Tell us so we can eliminate her from the human race!”

Archie is still under the spell. He vaguely waves an envelope in the air. “Some floozie has written to our Archie!” Veronica blurts. The envelope leaves Archie’s hands and starts blowing away in the wind.

Puff! Puff! The postal service ain’t what it used to be! Wakka wakka!

Veronica tries to catch it, but then falls down a dang open manhole. And dies! And then Betty tries to grab Veronica’s arm, but she falls into the manhole and dies too! R.I.P. Betty and Veronica, Archie Comics Issue #429. We hardly knew ye. Well, I hardly knew ye at any rate, if that helps.

A man with a purple hard hat pushes Veronica’s butt up with her head. He calls the girls silly before they call the cops on him and land him in prison for the rest of his natural life. The envelope keeps flying away hilariously, and the girls end up at the beach where Veronica runs off a dock like a squawking goose and lands in the water. Betty is an inch away from grabbing the envelope before it burns up in a flaming barrel. The kind I see at the beach every day, no doubt.

Anyway, they failed. After all that running around, Betty has a pretty good idea: “Let’s just ask him straight about it.” Fantastic idea, kiddos. He won’t lie at all about who he’s fucking behind your backs.

They find Archie at his house, and he’s about to happily tell him who wrote the letter until his fat dad comes out to holler at the redhead to clean out the garage before he sticks his dick down his throat. Archie bids the girls farewell. Betty and Veronica are exploding with frustration. So am I. This comic is brutal.

Archie’s dad is waiting in the garage with a big smile. “Thanks, Dad!” Archie says jubilantly. “You came through!”

Dad’s a sly one, eh?

“You’re welcome! But why did you want me to take you away with that ‘cleaning the garage’ story?”

The “fun”.

Archie’s a sly one, eh?

The next day, presumably, Jughead visits his best friend Ol’ Arch Ma-larch. He laughs about how nuts B & V are going about the stupid letter which is probably just a request for a Highlights Magazine subscription. Archie finds it flattering, at any rate, these two girls who have been fawning over him for the last five decades.

“Wait ‘til they find out who sent the letter.”

“Yeah! They’ll really flip!”

Jughead’s a sly one, eh?

Archie decides that he’ll tell them tomorrow. Until then, they can stew unhealthily. Later, Reggie has caught wind of the letter debacle! Time to have a little fun. He goes to Veronica outside of someplace called “Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe” and says something to the effect of “did you see that letter that Betty wrote to Archie WHOOPS I LET IT SLIP!!!” It was very slick.

“So that’s why she burned up the letter!” Veronica says, turning red. “She didn’t want me to see it!”

Hoo boy, Betty’s in hot water now! And I think you can guess what happens next. Reggie hangs out under a tree waiting for six hours for Betty to walk on by. And when she does, he says something to the effect of “did you see that letter that Veronica wrote to Archie OH FIGS I HAVE DONE IT AGAIN!!!” Again, very slick.

“And he had that Lodge look in his eyes!” Betty says, turning red. “I’ve been had by that socialite!”

Reggie laughs it up.

Betty and Veronica meet up and have a very heated 1920’s-style argument. All “I’ll box your ears!” and “of all the nerve!” They almost erupt into a hail of fisticuffs before a smiling Archie shows up to reveal the secret before the girls kill each other.

Have you girls ever heard of a snazzy gal named “Ruth Bader Ginsburg”???

“It doesn’t matter, Archie…” says Veronica.

“We already know…” says Betty.

“And we think it stinks!”

“With a capital ‘S’!”

“Aw, c’mon! It’s no big deal,” Archie claims. But he’s losing them fast.

“Easy for you to say!” says Veronica, and then points right at Betty’s face. “But I’m officially ending our friendship!”

“It ended minutes ago, traitor!” snaps Betty. Archie grabs his head like the universe has just imploded in a big fart. The girls walk away in opposite directions. Archie has a big “?” bubble over his auburn head. Women be stupid, right? You misogynist piece of shit.

Betty and Veronica return to their respective homes muttering like lunatics. They retire to their bedrooms and pull up their personal copies of jerkoff material: a smiling photo of Archie Andrews himself!

“I’m going to get Archie for myself,” they both think in unison. “Once and for all… no holds barred!”

Uh oh! Woozle wuzzle! See you next time in Betty, Issue #19! Later, hosers!

“Singin’ in the Rain” – Frank Doyle

Archie puts on his rubbers. His mom is concerned about him going on in the rain, but Archie isn’t going to squander the last few days of summer vacation by staying inside during a massive Category 5 hurricane! You worry too much, Mother. Now go in the kitchen and make Archie a sandwich. The gang’s gonna be at Pop’s and they’re all gonna share a round of malts. Riverdale High School football rules!

Hey, “Ol’ Ron” is the name of my vibrator!

Archie happily finds it intriguing that Veronica would miss all the sad-sacks hanging out at the diner, but Pop points out that Veronica is heading into the establishment as we speak! She’s wearing a one-piece bathing suit and rain boots, looking all curvy and making the boys pop their squelchy little boners. “Hey! Pop was right! That’s an entrance!” Reggie says, frothing at the mouth as he stares at dem titties. Veronica sits her wet butt on the counter and soaks up the attention.

“It just seemed appropriate for a late summer shower!” Veronica says of her outfit. Reggie continues quivering like an ill virgin. Archie decides to start stripping too. “Why swelter in this heavy rainwear!!?”

Betty thinks it’s also a fantabulous idea. “Right! I’m with you!”

Veronica looks on wryly.

I NEED TO GO GET NAKED AT THE RESTAURANT!!!

The boys and girls all run home to get their skivvies. Archie’s dad turns purple with anger, but Archie doesn’t care! He’s, like, 12 years old and no one is going to tell him what to do.

“Every generation gets wackier and wackier!” Archie’s dad, who was probably born in 1885, sighs.

“And I used to think we were the silliest teenagers ever!” says Archie’s mom, whose idea of “silly” was probably related to putting a red ribbon on her hoop skirt.

Archie finds the rest of the kids splashing around outside, scantily clad as the fashion dictates. Having a gay ol’ time, these kids. Splashing and dancing and singing and dancing and singing and splashing!

Then they all get colds and miss the first day of school. The end.

“Pain in the Neck!” – Mike Pellowski

It’s a beautiful summer day and Archie has to go to the dang doctor! His neck hurts and he doesn’t know why! Waaah!

Well, Doctor Dobson is perplexed. He doesn’t feel any cancer lumps! This is very suspicious, son. Are you sure you aren’t fucking faking it?

Archie describes the sequence of events that has led him to this point in his miserable life. He had a great day at the beach wearing his bright purple swim shorts. He blasted Agoraphobic Nosebleed from his radio. There were so many pretty ladies that he got whiplash from trying to stare at all of them. And—oh.

Gee whiz! There sure are a lot of mammalian protuberances here!

Doc doesn’t get it yet that Archie was eyefucking the girls. He asks Archie if he hurt it playing volleyball or something. Archie wasn’t playing the game, but he was twisting his head into a pretzel watching four girls jump and flop around. What about surfing? No way, Doc! Archie wasn’t surfing, but he was flapping his stupid neck around watching girls on boards gyrate seductively. Maybe a wave hit him? No chance, sir! Archie didn’t go swimming, but the horny boy wrenched his noggin off his shoulders mentally undressing every single girl that crossed into his eyesight.

The doctor gives Archie a prescription of fentanyl and sends him away. “What caused the injury will just remain a mystery!” he says importantly.

Archie gives his head one last twist as the next patient, Jenny Smith, walks by him. The doctor is making an “OOHHHH OK YEAH DUH UH-HUH OF COURSE THIS WAS THE REASON YOU STUPID DUMB FUCKING IDIOT” face.