Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #30

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #30!

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #30 [May, 1957]

”Rage Before Beauty”

“Archie, you look bluer than an Eskimo in a bikini!” Jughead says racistly as they walk down the street. “What’s up?”

HE’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S UP! IT’S BETTY’S BIRTHDAY TOMORROW AND HE AIN’T GOT NO CLUE WHAT TO GET HER! A HEART-SHAPED BOX OF CHOCOLATES? A SINGING WALL FISH? GIRLS LOVE THOSE SINGING WALL FISHES, RIGHT?

But the real problem is that Veronica will start sulking if Archie has the audacity to give someone a birthday gift on their birthday. Jughead has a great idea: get Veronica’s input on what to get Betty for her birthday! Then she’s involved and no one will be eating their butt for breakfast! Great idea! “My boy, you are brilliant!” he tells his faithful, loyal, hungry pal Jughead Jones.

Veronica is taken aback when asked, though. But Archie’s like “Look toots, buying gifts is women’s work. Guys can’t do it! They build things and wash cars. Girls push out babies and help buy gifts for friends.” Veronica starts shaking with anger and internally suggests some carbolic acid! Holy shit! “I’ll have to give it some thought, Archikins!” she says sweetly. Archie thanks her and moves his bowtied ass out of the house.

Later, Veronica and Betty are moseying around town trying not to kill each other.

“Tomorrow’s the big day, darling! What sort of gifts are you expecting?” Veronica asks her best friend in the entire fucking world.

“If it’s going to be like last year, I hope I don’t get anything!” Betty responds. Last year she got a flesh-eating virus. It was totally uncool. Also, see that hideous outfit displayed in this store window? She got four of them last year from relatives.

Right in front of them! And then the house caught on fire. There were no survivors.

Fortunately, Betty was able to exchange all four dresses for a ritzy 98-cent bracelet. It’s like, slow down Moneybags. Next time don’t spend your windfall all in one place.

As Betty walks away, Veronica has that evil glint in her eye. Jughead walks by wondering who died to make her so smiley. “I think I know just the gift for Archie to buy for Betty’s birthday!” she says devilishly.

Jughead remembers that Betty should get a gift from him too even though all his funds are tied up in hamburgers right now. No matter. Veronica will help! She points to the hat that goes with the ugly outfit, and Jughead is like “uh, really?” But he eventually agrees and goes home to search through his couch cushions for the 22 cents that the hat costs.

Veronica can’t wait to show Archie the present idea she has for Betty. Archie’s stomach flips when he sees the awful purple jacket. Strong words coming from a teenager wearing orange old-man-golf-pants. “I’ll get some cash and rush back before they’re all sold out!” he sweats. Now that Veronica’s schemes have been 2/3rd fulfilled, she calls up Reggie “Angry Eyebrows” Mantle to convince him to buy the skirt. That way she gets the full outfit! Smart thinking, Veronica. Reggie loves buying gifts for friends!

I’d could kiss your pink mouth right on your full lips, my dear sweet child!

Meanwhile, Mr. Gerson, who owns the shop, is getting chastised by his associate for keeping that awful outfit on display in front of the store. “Let’s face it! It’s smelling up the store!” she says to a gulping Mr. Gerson. “I suppose you’re right,” he grumbles.

Gerson is just about ready to throw the outfit in the toilet when Jughead returns with his fat wad of Monopoly money looking to buy the hat. Gerson is overjoyed! “You’re very lucky! That’s the last one in stock!” He gets right up in Jughead’s face sexual-harassment-style. The hat gets boxed up and Jughead is about to fuck off out of there when Reggie pops into the store to buy the skirt. Gerson is beside himself with orgasmic delight! Then Archie pops into the store to buy the jacket and Gerson accidentally gets cum all over it. Then Gerson dry-cleans the jacket and sells it to the redheaded stepchild.

With their packaged boxes, the three of them wonder if they should get Veronica something for her altruistic assistance. They all decide to buy another full outfit so that Veronica and Betty can be twinsies!

“I can’t wait to see what you boys bought!” says Betty later, opening her shitty gifts. The boys also present Veronica with her own gift to try on and commit suicide about. IN A TWIST, THE BOYS BOUGHT BETTY A GOOD DRESS. One that’s good for 1959 standards, I suppose. Betty looks like an airline stewardess.

Meanwhile, Veronica gets the terrible, gaudy outfit. She wears it with extreme embarrassment.

“Golly! Veronica was speechless!” says Archie.

“She sure has crumby taste!” says Reggie.

“Women are peculiar!” says Jughead.

Veronica jumps off the Golden Gate Bridge. Everyone laughs. The end.

”Pin Points”

The story begins with Archie stabbing Veronica in the chest with his fraternity pin. She gripes about bleeding out, but then she gives Archie a big ol’ hug. “Ooooh, but I’m so happy, sweetie pie!! We’re practically engaged!”

“I can hardly wait to flaunt this in front of Betty! Hee hee! — She’ll be positively livid!” Veronica says with sociopathic determination. When she sees Betty, though, Betty thinks there’s a big fat bug on Veronica’s shoulder. This makes Veronica hella grumpy. “Hmph! You know very well that’s Archie’s frat pin! I knew you’d be jealous!”

Betty ain’t jealous! She and Archie are old news! Archie farted in front of her two days ago and it killed all the plants around her. Veronica takes this as hidden extreme jealousy, to Jughead’s complete befuddlement. “I know what that two-faced little Vixen means! She’s the sneaky type! She’ll think up some snide under-handed way to try to get her grasping claws on him!”

Jughead tells this broad to take it easy, sleazy.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?! AM I RIGHT?!! *loads gun*

Betty rushes over to the department store and and buys a $2 fraternity pin (that’s like $9,500 dollars by 2024 standards). She hides behind a tree (as every character in Archie comics does from time to time) and waits for Archie to walk by. “Oh, Archie — Archie! Could you come for a moment? I just lost a button on this belt on my dress!” Archie starts salivating. “Do you think you could fix it up temporarily with this safety pin?

Archie gives a bucktoothed grin. “I don’t see why not!”

NOW THE RUSE! Archie had technically “pinned” Betty, lol lol! So now Betty puts on the fraternity pin and shows Veronica that Archie “pinned” her, lol lol! When Veronica confronts Archie about this, he says something to the effect of “why yes I did pin Betty, lmao lol!” and this causes quite a stir for exactly eight seconds before Archie explains what really happened. And then when he finds out that Betty perhaps bought the frat pin, Archie gets up in arms! “By golly, that’s not right! They shouldn’t sell those things to just anybody! I’m going to see about this!”

Archie visits the nerd frat president who looks like the dad from Family Circus. Can’t he stop the jeweler from selling the pins?! And the frat president has a great idea! Go to the store and buy up all 1,500 pins for $3,000! “After this, they’ll only be sold through this fraternity house!”

Well, hot dog, sir! Capital idea! Archie runs to the establishment to buy a whole box of pins. Meanwhile, Veronica and Betty stand outside arguing about Archie and pins and bagels and Herbert Hoover or whoever was president at the time.

After collecting his box of pins, Archie slams into Veronica outside and scatters pins all over the sidewalk. Veronica is enraged! “By the carton he buys them!”

Betty smiles shrewdly.

Everyone goes home and plays Baldur’s Gate 3.

”Base-Bawl Season”

Baseball tryouts are today, and Archie and Reggie are the biggest pussies in the universe so they don’t want to go. They watch the coach force the boys to run laps! Ugh! I hate it when Coach makes me train and exercise.

When Veronica hears that the boys aren’t going to try out, she gets indignant. “You two should be ashamed! The team needs you! Where’s your school spirit!?” To this, Archie and Reggie are like “It’s 1959, bitch, don’t yell at us” and walk away. Veronica’s like “fine then, I’ll only fuck boys on the team…”

Archie and Reggie run to tryouts like bees stung their asses and also the stings are poisonous and also they need the venom sucked out of their asses in less than 20 seconds or they’ll both die of Ass Poisoning. Too bad Betty has some inside information on how strict the coach is being with his team this year: “The Chock’lit Shoppe is out of bounds for ball players, no dates, no movies, and they have to be in by eight every night!”

“Oh no!” How is Veronica going to get her clit sucked without a date and a movie before 8pm? This is a travesty!

Meanwhile, Reggie is dumb enough to really want to be on the team.

I hope you like your jaw wired shut, Archie muh boy.

Long story short, Reggie employs many tactics to keep Archie looking stupid. And it works, even though Archie looks stupid anyway and doesn’t need any help from Reggie in that department.

Betty and Veronica mope in the diner. “It’s going to be a long season with no dates!” says Betty.

“And the boys will be too tired to do anything in the afternoons!” says Veronica.

“We’ll be going to the movies with each other!”

“UGH!”

Just then, Reggie and Archie enter the diner. Reggie made the team! Archie looked like a butt full of bees and flunked out! This makes Veronica so happy that she kisses Archie on the cheek. “How wonderful!” she says, much to Reggie’s very visual dismay. Archie walks out with a girl on each arm. Reggie poops his pants.

”Errand Boy”

Archie barges into Betty’s house and notices a table full of shiny-ass jewelry. Betty makes $400,000 per day selling jewelry to girls at school. “Hawking rocks during recess, eh?” Archie says, picking up a necklace and tarnishing it with his grubby fingers. Betty asks Archie for a favor: make all the deliveries for her. Spend your whole Saturday running around town delivery gaudy jewelry to pimple-faced teenage girls. Since Archie wants pussy, he agrees to this arrangement. As long as he doesn’t mention what he’s doing, he’s golden. Betty is supposed to be the one making these deliveries, so cork it and no one will get in trouble. *threatens with fist*

Archie runs into a girl named Alice and delivers her a shiny bracelet. Reggie (hiding behind a tree, of course) sees this unfaithful exchange of gifts and runs as fast as his little legs will carry him to go rat Archie out to Veronica.

“Are you sure, Reggie? Archie gave Alice a bracelet?”

“It wasn’t a set of handcuffs, baby!”

“Well, he’ll wish it was before I’m finished with him!”

Veronica intends to stick a spiked fist up Archie’s peehole, and Archie is extremely oblivious as he spots a girl named Phyllis and gives her a necklace. “Oooh, Archie! It’s lovely!” Phyllis gives Archie a smackeroo on the cheek. “Thank you!”

Now Archie gets nervous! Ronnie! Ronnie, baby! It ain’t what you think, baby! Honest! Well, Veronica storms away offended while Archie cries for forgiveness. Eventually, after getting a door slammed into his ugly freckled face, Archie is forced to admit that they’re Betty’s jewels.

I’M NOT CONTAGIOUS! I SWEAR THAT THEY’RE JUST PIMPLES! WHY WON’T YOU BELIEVE ME!

Veronica isn’t any happier after hearing that Archie’s been running around town doing Betty’s bidding for free. “You tell her if you’re going to be an errand boy you want to get paid for it!” Archie looks like he’s getting his rectum impaled with seven tiny little pitchforks. Stupid Veronica’s right. Stupid Veronica’s always right.

Well, sir, Archie goes back to Betty’s house and gives her a piece of… well, Veronica’s mind. He unloads the rest of Betty’s jewelry orders on her table. “I’m not doing it anymore! It got me in enough trouble already!”

It doesn’t take long before Archie gets manipulated into running errands for Betty again. He plays to his love for having a boner; his love of imagining all young ladies in Riverdale doing nice things to his boner; his love of giving young ladies all over Riverdale fantastic jewels and gifts and expecting nice things to happen to his boner as repayment…

He returns to Veronica and tells her that Betty hoodwinked him again into delivering all her shit! “Give me that junk!” Veronica yells. “I’m going to see this super salesman! I’m going to throw this stuff right in her face! I’ll teach her to make a sucker out of my boyfriend!”

Here’s the twist you didn’t expect!