Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #302!

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #302 [February, 1982]

”Sisters” – Frank Doyle

In this thrilling installment of the two high school girls in the Archie universe who want to hate-fuck each other, Betty and Veronica get the awesome idea to move in with each other. Not after graduation or anything, no. Right now! As in, hey Betty, pack up your shit, you’re going to be Veronica’s roommate in her father’s house. Both girls hug over the idea. Why haven’t they ever thought about this before! It’s genius with a capital J!

“Sit up all night, chatting, gossiping, giggling! It will be like one endless slumber party!”

Doesn’t that sound as fun as waterboarding, kids? What could go wrong here?

“I’ll have to check it out with my folks, first!” Betty says, anticipating Mr. and Mrs. Cooper to say “what took you so long??” and shove all her shit out onto the front yard.

“Hurry back! Sis!” Veronica waves, clearly delusional herself. If they’re not fighting by page three I’ll eat my hat. And my hat is made of chocolate, so I’m very much looking forward to it!

So Mr. Cooper is upset! But Mrs. Cooper is like “she’s over there all the time anyway, fuck her” and gives her daughter permission to live out the rest of her days as a Lodge Family unauthorized adoptee. “Thanks, Mom!!” says Betty.

Mr. Cooper is still a grump-a-lump, but Mrs. Cooper assures her seething husband that Betty will be bored as shit in a week, guaranteed. “Sisters suck,” she basically says. And it’s true. I should know, I’m a sister myself!

So they start doing it, and it’s cool, but a couple of young, naive girls have completely overlooked the Archie factor…

“Yo, Ronnie! Can I come over to your house and cum in your mouth in your empty bedroom please??”

Archie calls and things quickly get awkward for Veronica, so she shuts down the phone conversation tout suite and announces to the room that it’s TIME FOR BED. START SNORIN’.

Betty is amenable and the two enjoy their first cozy sister sleepover. The next morning, Veronica discovers Betty making full use of her luxurious tub as if she owned the place! “Hmm…” Veronica thinks, brow furrowed. “I hadn’t thought about sharing my bath!”

It begins. The resentment and the name calling and the throwing of pots and pans.

Betty gets out of the bath all smiley and refreshed. Veronica sits on her bed visibly despondent. “I’ll have to start getting up earlier to get to the bathroom first!” she thinks in a large, ugly yellow thought bubble. Just fizzing and frothing with violent thoughts.

After her own bath, Veronica looks for her favorite sweater in the closet BUT IT’S NOT THERE! I can’t even begin to guess what could have possibly happe– “Is this the one you’re looking for, Sis?” Betty smiles, wearing the most hideous pageboy hat in existence.

You can drive the 1977 El Camino.

Mr. Lodge is pleased as punch to have another daughter! She can even call him “Daddy”! That’s not fucking weird at all! Veronica harumphs in the corner.

The Betty peels off in Veronica’s new sportscar. And then she has the gall to pick up Archie? HER BOYFRIEND?? That tears it!

Veronica comes back into the house and slams the door, knocking Mr. Lodge’s stinky pipe right out of his brown teeth.

“Er – where’s your sister?” he asks his actual daughter.

“WHAT sister?” Veronica yells indignantly, turning red as a beet under the sun in July on Mars with red paint on it. “I’m an only child! And let’s keep it that way!”

Fifteen seconds later, Veronica throws Betty’s bags on the stoop. Fuck her. Ronnie wants her baths back!

And that’s the end! What have we learned? Say it all together now: “having friends isn’t worth it.”

”Green Thumb Blues” – Frank Doyle

Archie stands in his foyer for 16 hours holding a potted plant like a smiling doofus. Veronica walks through his front door uninvited wearing a coat made of shag carpeting. She comments on his green thumb, but no! Betty gave him the plant! The only green thumb Archie has is one he gets after sticking it up his green butthole.

“She grew the whole plant from one little leaf! That girl has talent!” Archie gushes while Veronica looks at the plant as if killing it now was the only option. “So she grows weeds in a pot! So what?”

Of course, Archie tries to defend his blond bimbo, but Veronica’s jealousy overwhelms her senses. Who would’ve thought that a stupid plant could cause all this emotional commotion! Why, does Archie even have time for Veronica anymore?? She needs to go to the Chok’lit Shoppe so that she can eat a triple bacon cheeseburger for $13.95 and then hork it all up in the toilet while Pop holds her hair back. Archie can’t! He has to water and feed the dysfunctional relationship plant! Good golly!

Are you having an affair with the plant? I see a little dirt on your dick there, Benedict Arnold.

Veronica gets so mad that she yells very loudly at Smithers when she gets home. She yells at him to repair the greenhouse in the backyard. She yells at him to hire a staff of gardeners. She yells at him to get every plant in existence, including the very rare Penis Fly Trap. And Smithers listens, because Smithers is a gutless little shrew of a man.

Later, Archie visits Veronica’s greenhouse and marvels at the rare plants and flowers and herbs and spices! Archie is sort of impressed, but Betty has two of a few things! Sometimes even three! And Veronica is jealous all over again, boy howdy. Even the hayseed gardener wants to meet this talented Betty!

Speak of the devil, Betty pops in for a quick hello! She pops into Veronica’s greenhouse like she’s just stopping by the greenhouse on the way to somewhere where the greenhouse is along the way. “This is beautiful, Ron!” she says, talking to famous director Ron Howard, of course. Veronica huffs and puffs.

“Ron has a temperature- and humidity-controlled greenhouse, stocked with the finest fertilizers and equipment–”

Veronica starts preening.

“–to grow the same plants you grow in your kitchen with a little luck and know-how!” Archie finishes while Veronica shits her pants in a fit of exasperation.

Then Veronica is like “WELL LOOK AT THIS” and shows them all a plant that she thinks is a Coleus, but it’s Poison Ivy! And we all lol!

*34 minutes of Barney Rubble canned laughter*

”In the Swing” – Frank Doyle

Veronica descends her staircase dressed as a “preppie”: blue scarf over a red sweater, red/orange plaid skirt, knee-high red socks, and brown shoes. She looks like a teenage girl from February, 1981, when Betty and Veronica Issue #302 came out. Mr. Lodge thinks she looks like something out of his own high school yearbook from 1823.

Well, the thing about Veronica is that she’s up to speed with all the latest fashions even if the fads are cyclical. Mr. Lodge knows all too well – he pays for it! HAHAHA!! And Veronica grumbles at school about how dads are always so concerned with money. Gimme a break and gag me with a spoon!

Betty sees Veronica’s outfit in the hallway and squeals with feminine glee! “Oh, I’ve got to have it!!” she says as Veronica poses importantly. Mr. Weatherbee thinks she looks like something out of his own high school yearbook from 1774. He gets all weird and horny about it and I’m moving the fuck on.

All the girls are looking preppy today! Why, Mr. Weatherbee is quite chuffed!

“Fashion! Egad! If they paid that much attention to schoolwork! What a strange sense of values the young girls have! Fashion is everything to them, right Miss Grundy? They all exaggerate the important of fashion!” Weatherbee chuckles and guffaws.

And then he’s all “BRRRTT!”

MISS GRUNDY! N-n-n-n-n-n-not you, too!!

”Health Nuts” – Frank Doyle

“You – Veronica Lodge? You are joining a health club?” Betty asks, mouth agape.

“And why shouldn’t I join a health club?” she retorts. “I have rights like common people!”

Yeah, like the right to remain silent! Cuff ‘er, boys! *Veronica gets bludgeoned to death by the police*

Betty points out that Veronica has a fucking health spa in her house. “Your body is steamed and bathed and pounded and whirlpooled and kept in superb condition!” Betty also points out, and that sounds simultaneously painful and sexual! Ooh, baby!

So why is Veronica joining a health club? Because it’s the cool thing to do, dummy. Betty, you dummy. It’s the cool thing to do, Betty. Dummy.

“Everybody who’s anybody belongs to a health club these days.”

“I don’t!”

“My statement stands.”

Hey, I may be ugly, and I may be fat, but… what was the third thing you said?

So the girls stop into the club for a couple of applications – well, one application. Betty wouldn’t join this scuzzpit even if DIRK BENEDICT were a member! *growls*

“Er – as a matter of curiosity, what are you going to do with her?” Betty asks the trainer, who looks puzzled. “You know!” Betty continues. “What improvements will you make?”

Glad you asked! Here’s the list of improvements!

– Cleaner farts

– Strong attraction from bees

– Lungs full of drain cleaner

– Archie will shine her shoes daily

And many more, honestly! Less fat, clearer skin, a less hefty caboose! “Isn’t that marvelous?” Betty asks Veronica as Veronica grimaces in shame. “How about that, Ron? They’re going to do all that for you!”

Hooray!

“You’re going to take a mess like that and turn it into a thing of beauty!” says Betty, smiling like the pistol that she is! Veronica has HAD IT. She storms all the way home and harasses her poor dad.

“DADDY! THERE’S A HEALTH CLUB DOWNTOWN! – I WANT YOU TO BUY IT FOR ME!”

“Egad! Buy the entire club? What on Earth are you going to do with it?”

“CLOSE IT!”

“?”

*Barney Rubble laughs until we all fucking die*

Final Thoughts

Egad!