Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #188!

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #188 [July, 2003]

”The Scream Team”

Betty, Reggie, Veronica and Archie are riding a carnival ride that is clearly meant for little children. “SCREECH!” Betty cries in giant purple letters. “SHRIEK!” Veronica cries in overlarge orange letters. “WHHIRR!” she then says, grabbing onto Archie’s neck for dear life until he dies of involuntary strangulation.

Luckily they all survived without suffering some kind of freak accident that murdered everyone! “That ride sure was scary!” Veronica says, stumbling around like she just slurped a keg’s worth of beer out of the dirt. “It wasn’t the ride that bothered me!” gripes Archie. “You were screaming so loud you almost broke my eardrum!”

Veronica makes a pouty face while Reggie laughs and claims that Betty, too, was shrieking like a blonde banshee. The girls are, to say the least, maladjusted to the shift of the conversation. The boys have a problem with girls yelling in their ears, huh? Maybe that’s how girls express their fear! Guys handle it better! I sense a real battle of the sexes coming up! Penis vs. Vagina, who will win?!

The boys are so afraid you can see their fear boners pushing against their pants.

Betty and Veronica have had enough! They don’t even fight anymore, they just run away mad. Archie is like “we paid $160 for this trip to Six Flags Over Baghdad and we’re going to get our money’s worth by god!” Well, this perks the girls up. Money’s worth, eh? More rides, eh? They motion to a roller coaster called Scream Machine, which, if the name is any indication, screams are nigh. “Why don’t we just see who can keep their mouths shut!” Betty says with what can only be described as wry fury.

Archie looks nervous enough to spray diarrhea on all of his friends. “We haven’t gone the roller coaster since it was rebuilt and renamed ‘The Scream Machine’,” he says, noticing the very well-displayed sign with the name of the roller coaster on it. Within minutes, the four of them are sitting in their cars waiting for their inevitable near-death experience.

Veronica and Betty vow to keep quiet while the boys squirm like scared little rats. The coaster clanks alarmingly. The roller coaster looks tame by a 9-year-old’s standards, but these nimrods are regretting their decision to tackle this beast. “UGH!” Archie grunts, obviously feeling exactly 1 G of force. “ARRGH!” the boys yell as they go around the loop, which prompts Veronica to gleefully point out that they just fuckin’ screamed. “You screamed and we didn’t!” she taunts when the ride is over. But the girls sure do look worse for wear! Knees all shakin’! Legs all wobblin’!

Archie offers to buy lunch for a job well done. The girls offer to meet them at the snack bar later. They just need to… you know… recover for a quick moment. Yeah. Yeah, that’s it.

The boys walk away and converse in disbelief about how the girls didn’t even make a peep! They must have iron cahones!

*sad trombone*

”Sign Language”

It’s Little League time, and a squirt named Marty asks Betty where Coach Chuck is. Coach Chuck is dead, kid. He fell into a woodchipper feet first. He’s now haunting the gymnasium, and–

“Chuck Clayton can’t make today’s game, Marty!” Betty says, not bothering with a moment of silence. Guess who’s filling in? “Coach Ron”, aka Veronica, aka Ron. “Ugh, we’re going to lose!” gripes a kid who may or may not be Marty. All these kids look the same.

Betty tells these kids to cork it. “All Ron has to do is sit on the bench, keep order and look beautiful,” Betty says, which is something Veronica can do very well as long as the bench doesn’t have termites like last time.

Coach Betty goes over all the signs. Hand on hip and touching nose means steal. Squeezing her left boob means throw a curveball. Veronica notices a hot little hunk o’ man with a “Coach” shirt walking onto the field. “That’s Jayson!” Betty exclaims. “He’s the coach of the other team! He’s a nice guy, but he hates losing!”

He’s probably not a nice guy, then. Look out for that. He probably pushes women down the stairs.

Veronica is jealous that Coach Betty gets to stand near Coach Jayson during the game. They give each other the ol’ fuck eyes while Veronica sulks on the bench. Eventually, Betty lets Veronica coach third base so she can wiggle her ass at Jayson. She becomes self-conscious about her possibly sunburnt nose and starts touching it, accidentally giving the fat kid the steal sign. The fat kid starts running toward second base, huffing and puffing like a locomotive.

Next, Veronica shoos a fly away, inadvertently waving the fat kid home. All these mistaken signs are successful! The blubbery kid is safe! What a triumph!

Good job, Coach Ron! Your horny ass saved the day!

“My hat’s off to you, Coach Ron!” Betty effuses. “That was a terrific job of coaching!”

“It was? I mean… yeah! It was! Now can I meet Jayson?”

“Gee, sorry, Ron! He stormed away after saying ‘good game’! I told you he doesn’t like to lose!”

“Hmph! He’s not the only loser!”

Sorry, Ronnie. No rawdoggin’ it today.

”Club Snub”

“Greetings, Ms. Lodge!”

“Need anything, Ms. Lodge?”

“I’ve summoned your personal trainer, Ms. Lodge!”

Veronica gets doted on by the gym personnel while Betty stands there getting ignored as if she were smeared in pig feces. But Veronica doesn’t like it! She leaves, and Betty is completely befuddled (and smeared in pig feces). “Did you hear how they were acting?” Veronica says angrily. “They were fawning all over me!”

Betty has never seen Veronica poo-poo a little positive attention due to her Riverdale fame. “The constant red carpet treatment gets old after a while,” she moans and bitches. Betty wouldn’t know. Look at her! Feces everywhere!

Veronica is going to treat Betty to a normal gym experience, so they’re going to drive 1200 miles to the next nearest town: Millville. Surely the Lodge family’s name doesn’t extend to fuckin’ Millville.

“Be on your toes!” says the manager of the SpaPlex gym. “I got a tip that the president of the spa franchise is checking our location today!”

“When’s he coming?” asks an employee.

“He’s not! He’s sending his daughter in for a secret inspection!”

“We mustn’t let on that we were warned. What’s she look like?”

“A pretty teenage blonde girl!”

I THINK WE CAN ALL GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. COMIC BOOK OVER.

Just kidding. Certainly, Betty now gets treated like Millville royalty. She and Veronica enter the establishment all perky and ready to hit the Bowflex! The workers wink at each other and start the doting.

Did someone say PIG FECES?!?!

Five-star treatment! Full tea service! Private dressing areas! Chocolates! Exfoliating citrus scrubs! Aromatic salt massages! Episodes of The Simpsons with Phil Hartman in them!

“Does it seem to you that we’re getting treated very well?” Betty asks concernedly as the two of them sit in the sauna.

“Oh, Betty, it’s so obvious!” smiles Veronica smugly. “They know I’m Veronica Lodge! My fame has spread out even here!”

Yeah, ok, two hours ago you were like “fuck all this attention” and now you’re sweating naked in a Millville sauna.

While they enjoy bubbly baths full of salts and oils and what-have-you, the manager gets a call that the president’s daughter isn’t going to be coming after all! Gulp!

“You have some nerve pretending to be inspecting!” the manager yells at Betty, who is just as bewildered as bewildered can be, my stars! Veronica starts laughing. They thought she was the celebrity?! “And here I thought it was because I’m Veronica Lodge!”

This is the part where the manager literally goes “sput” and “erk”. “Of the Riverdale Lodges?!” she exclaims! She was about ready to bill these cunts $6,700 for the services, but now they need to be nice or Hiram Lodge will come down to Millville and punt his fine boot up their butts.

The end.

”Heads Up, Reggie!”

Betty and Veronica are trying to enjoy a pleasant time on the beach not getting hit by rampant tsunamis. A crowd gathers around something, but what?! And why?! Did someone get stung by a jellyfish and now everyone has gathered for a piss bukkake?

No, it’s just this idiot.

If you think that’s impressive, you should see his butthole.

Reggie asks the girls how they like his new summer look. They both try to keep their lunches down. “It has a hundred advantages!” Reggie declares, as if getting laid was on the table at all anymore. Betty and Veronica say that he’ll save money on haircuts and combs, which makes Reggie turn beet red, I say! “A lot of guys are going for this new macho look!” he says, presenting himself as some sort of cancer patient. Nearby beach patrons call him “chrome dome”. Girls laugh in the distance.

It’s not all chrome domes and ridicule, though! Two girls run up to Reggie, introduce themselves, and invite him for ice cream. “Unique guys who aren’t afraid to express their individuality really interest us,” one says, unaware that they’re talking to Riverdale’s biggest rapist. Reggie walks away with a girl on each arm, and Betty is surprised to say the VERY least!

“Gee, maybe Reggie is right about his new look being cool and attractive,” Betty says as Archie contemplates waxing his own noggin.

Later, presumably after getting his dick sucked by two women at the same time, Reggie returns to Betty and Veronica who ask him how things are goin’. “Shaving my head was the smartest thing I ever did!” he says dumbly. The next day, though, Reggie is wearing a hat on the beach looking disgruntled enough to shoot up a lemonade stand.

“Hey, Reggie! What’s with the safari hat? What happened to your shaved head look?”
“Hmph! Mind your own business!”

The fucker forgot to put sunscreen on his head the day before. He looks like an angry zit. The girls LOL and LMAO all night.

Final Thoughts

Fuck them Riverdale kids is all I gots to say.