Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2!

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [February, 2000]

”Bully for You” – Mike Gallagher

Harvey McNerd is getting his ass kicked by a bully with a disgusted emoji on his shirt. “Cough up your leftover lunch money,” the bully says, pushing Harvey against a wall hilariously. The bully is named Slugloaf and we all had that for dinner last night or my name ain’t “Wormloaf”.

Harvey coughs up his leftover lunch money. Sabrina watches the whole thing, and instead of turning Slugloaf into some sort of herpes virus, she points at him and calls him an extortionist! Harvey looks worse for wear as Slugloaf thumbs through the cash and attempts to count to eleven. Sabrina urges her friend to report the bully to the principal’s office, but Harvey is too much of weenie to do much other than puke and bleed.

Sabrina takes it upon herself to conjure up some fire ants to bite Slugloaf on the penis, which is funny in of itself. “He wouldn’t be so mean to me if I was Captain Volto,” Harvey says bewilderingly, sucking the funny out of the situation like a vacuum of shit. Even Sabrina is like “who the fuck is that, dork?” Captain Volto is Harvey’s favorite superhero. He does superhero things like steal from the rich and give to the poor. He’s like Robin Hood without the homosexuality! Maybe. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m also gay. Sometimes.

Harvey continues to explain that Captain Volto doesn’t even have any superpowers. “He’s a regular guy who’s a brilliant detective, scientist and muscular martial arts expert!” Harvey jubilates to his pretty friend who doesn’t care one bit about any of this comic book nonsense.

Get the powerup and win the game! Block that kick! GOOOOOAAALLL!!!!

Sabrina tells Harvey that he can achieve all those Captain Vulva things if he puts his mind to it, but Harvey wants nothing more than to not put his mind to anything!

Later that night, Sabrina tries to read an issue of Captain Volto but she doesn’t find it droll at all. Pedantic, rather. Salem the Talking Cat tells her to cork it and go to sleep, but she will not cork it. And then she does cork it and we all fall asleep and dream about Captain Volto. I don’t, but Sabrina does. She dreams that Captain Volto’s secret identity is Harvey, and Harvey is strong enough to lift up Slugloaf and give him a tender kiss.

Actually, Harvey starts pounding the bully into hamburger meat. Sabrina finds this nightmare unsettling and starts murmuring in her sleep so alarmingly that Salem wakes her up. He even calls her “kiddo”, a diminutive if I’ve ever heard one! And I hear a lot, like “slugger” or “boogerface”. Sabrina thanks the cat for waking her up at 3am and sleep does not find her again for the rest of the miserable night.

It’s morning now, and Aunt Hazel or Hilda or Wicked Witch of the West or whatever her name is notices that Sabrina looks twelve kinds of hungover. She sends Sabrina on her way, and she drunkenly stumbles across the sidewalk. “Poor kid…” Salem tells Caroline Rhea. “She had a nasty nightmare!” About what, he’s not sure. Probably the oblivion of death. Or bees.

Sabrina stops by Harvey’s house and catches him pummeling the fuck out of a Slugload punching bag. “It’s like a dream come true!” he says. “I suddenly have the strength, speed, and agility of Captain Volto!” Sabrina looks stunned, but awake! “2 Cool 4 Words!” Harvey adds while I roll my eyes and snort.

You let him beat the asshole up. Is this even a question?

“Aunt Zelda!” Sabrina runs back home like a truant. “I’ve got a problem!”

“Does it have to do with the nightmare Salem told me you had?” Zelda says smilingly. They look out the window as Harvey kicks branches off of the only tree in Sabrina’s yard. Harvey is hellbent on kicking Slugloaf’s butthole and literally no one should stop him. Honestly, people. Let him murder the kid.

Zelda informs Sabrina that she’s developing “dream transferal powers”, but Sabrina panics and doesn’t listen to a fool-ass word that Zelda is saying. Zelda gives Sabrina a compact full of “forget-me-lots” powder and encourages her to blow it all into Harvey’s face. He’ll snort the powder like cocaine and everything will be fine again. “Thanks, Aunt Zelda!” she yells.

Sabrina jumps on her Nimbus 2000 and chases down Harvey before he can do something awesome. “Oh, Sabrina!” he says when she pops into his line of sight. “So, you decided to watch the fight after all…”

Harvey’s nervous friend tells him that Captain Volto is supposed to be a hero, not a bully, but Harvey won’t hear it. He’s like the new and improved Captain Volto! The one with acne and asthma. And he’s hear to kick ass and take a name (Slugloaf).

Captain Volvo over here rounds a corner ready to get into action… until he sees Slugloaf being harassed by his own bullies. They demand the cash that Slugloaf stole from his own victims, and he says “okay!” and does it like a cuck.

“It all ends now, Sabrina!” Harvey shouts triumphantly. “This is a job for CAPTAIN VOLTO!”

Harvey approaches Sluggy and his two bullies. Slugloaf looks scared and warns Harvey to stay back. But Harvey does not stay back. Harvey smash!

Do you want your own butt for dinner, Slugloaf. Because Harvey is going to make you eat your butt.

Harvey does the heroic thing and warns Slugloaf to go straight or else it’s clobbering time! Slugloaf is like “eep!” and runs away. Promising to repay Harvey with interest! Harvey is like “Fuck yeah you will, honky.”

“Well done, Harvey… Captain would have been proud!” Sabrina tells him. Then she blows the dust in his face point blank. It gets in his eyes and everything. Harvey looks addled and wonders what had just happened. It was like everything was a dream! Heh heh hee hee hoo. Whuzzat.

Kids are lining up to get their money back from Slugloaf. Everyone lives happily ever after except for me because I just noosed myself.

”One Smart Cookie”

Sabrina has to bake something for the bake sale but she doesn’t want to bake anything! Salem kicks a soccer ball around the house like a doofus and asks Sabrina if she’d like to go outside with him to kick the soccer ball around like a doofus. Sabrina is like “no, I gotta bake something and I CAN’T use magic or else they’ll know because it’ll taste like glitter and moon stars”. Salem has an idea! Use magic to work the utensils! That sounds like a compromise, right? Soccer time.

Salem jinxes the kitchen to make everything come to life. It’s quite terrifying to see Nick the Mixer, Maurice the Measuring Cup, and Stan the Stove chirp happily, but Sabrina smiles instead of screams bloody murder and agrees with the idea. Just for a little while. What could go wrong?!

While they play soccer outside, Sabrina congratulates Salem for not wanting to conquer the world anymore. Salem says “heh heh, yeah.”

“…must make cookies…” Nick the Mixer says with googly eyes.

“…enough to conquer the world…” Maurice the Measuring Cup says with swirly eyes.

“…and conquer it!” finishes Stan the Stove with angry eyes.

Uh oh, not an avalanche of poop again…

The utensils and appliances make enough cookies to conquer the house, at least. When Sabrina and Salem try to enter the house, Stan the Stove shoots piping hot cookies out of the oven, killing them instantly. Sabrina tells Salem that, whoops, he’s thinking about world domination anyway while Salem looks tired and defeated, but he does not necessarily disagree.

Salem has an idea! He kicks the soccer ball into the kitchen. Now he’s fresh out of ideas.

But lo’, the soccer ball hits the “Spookie Jar” and out comes a frightening green blob of a genie. ”Your first mistake was to knock so rudely upon my door,” he bellows. “Now I see a pile of cookies on the floor.” And instead of eating the cookies, the genie eats the appliances. Then he eats the cookies. And now we’re back to status quo, except that Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda are going to be super pissed that they won’t have an oven anymore to bake their pot brownies in.

“Well… um…” Salem looks like he’s about to get beat with a bat. “I’ll be going… I – uh – guess you’ll want to start baking cookies now…”

“Don’t even mention cookies! I’m making a pie instead!”

The laugh track is so loud I’m murdered by blunt force trauma.

”Spelunker Spellman”

Sabrina and Salem are hiking up a snowy mountain. Salem chases a rabbit. Sabrina tells Salem to stop chasing the rabbit. The rabbit jumps down a hole like Alice in Wonderland, and Salem follows it. FWOOF! is the sound it makes when jumps into the hole, probably because he farted out his butt.

The ground gives away under Sabrina’s feet and she plummets… into an underground cavern! She lands right on her head, which would cause irreversible brain damage if this weren’t a comic book! But it is! And we laugh and laugh instead!

“Whew! Thank goodness all this piled-up snow broke my fall!” says Sabrina, dying of a brain hemorrhage. Then both she and Salem run away from an avalanche (this is the second time I’ve said “avalanche” in this write-up. Now I’ve said it a third time!)

Now that the entrance to the cavern is sealed off, what do they do now? Get some heavy syrup and make a giant snow cone? Piss on the snow to melt it? Piss on the snow and make a giant snow cone? While the possibilities seem endless, Sabrina and Salem need to actually think here. Salem sees the rabbit and decides that the best course of action is to continue chasing it. Sabrina whacks him on the head with a newspaper.

But then they realize that they’ve chased the rabbit for so long that they are now lost in the labyrinth of the cavern.

*whacks with newspaper* Bad cat.

Sabrina has a thought: she’ll start talking about stalagmites, effectively teaching all the children reading the comic book about stalagmites instead of actually saving their asses. In short, Sabrina will not use any magic to destroy stalagmites. I don’t remember anyone bringing it up, but she seems very adamant. Salem wants her to destroy the stalagmites. “Listen, I may be in a feline body, but I’m still a warlock that outranks you by several hundred years!” Salem says, showing Sabrina the back of his upper hand.

Sabrina wins the fight. Then they’re attacked by bats while I lol.

But this makes Sabrina happy, because bats tend to find exits! They sleep during the day and leave during the night to find food! They’re saved!

Anticlimactic! The end!

Final Thoughts

Note: Sabrina died on the way back to her home planet.