Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 1), Issue #45!

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 1), Issue #45 [May, 1978]

”Love Sick”

Aunt Hilda is hopping around like she has mice in her comically large underpants. The ugly hag urges Sabrina to guess what she’s going to say, and while Sabrina merely says “Uh–okay! I give up!”, I think she should have said something like “You tried a spell that turns your butt into a delicious plate of cake and then you ate your butt and now you have no butt.”

“Your cousin Ambrose is in LOVE!!” Hilda says to a shocked Sabrina. What joy! Maybe the little scamp has finally hit the puberty that he’s always dreamed of!

Ha! Cousin Ambrose looks like a 45-year-old man, mustache and everything. He’s at the tea shop fawning over the equally 45-year-old serving woman. “Ambrose, dear! That’s your twelfth cup of tea!” she says, smiling at the guy who probably needs to piss like a racehorse. “I love your tea, Matilda,” Ambrose says, hearts floating above his noggin. They both say cutesy things to each other like a couple of idiots and plan a date later that night. Dinner, movie, condoms, the whole shebang.

“Being in love makes me so happy! I think I’ll celebrate by buying a nice cake for Hilda and Sabrina,” he says, misunderstanding the concept of celebration, running into an erotic cake shop. Sabrina happens to be passing by to witness Ambrose sprinting around the street. “Uh, oh! There’s Lover Boy now!”

Don’t talk to her about love. She used to look like Jayne Mansfield. Now she looks worse than the decapitated Jayne Mansfield.

The cake lady looks even haggier than Aunt Hilda. Ambrose has hearts in his eyes while ordering a cake, and Sabrina peeks through the store window. “Good grief! So that’s her? Love really is blind!” she says to herself as Ambrose accepts the cake from the Ugliest Woman in Town. “Golly, he’s got it bad! I wonder if Cupid zapped him that hard!”

Ambrose sure looks like his rumpus had been zinged quite hard by something. The ugly woman calls Ambrose a “silly old bird” and Sabrina gasps in utter fucking disbelief! “He’s mad about her and she doesn’t like him at all!”

I suppose you can all guess what happens next, right? Say it with me: 1… 2… 3… TONY SOPRANO LOOKS TOWARD THE DOOR AND THE SCREEN CUTS TO BLACK.

Whoops, wrong story. Here, Sabrina pulls some old witchery on the old woman and she suddenly feels pangs of passion for her last customer! “I simply must see him again! Perhaps he’s still in sight!” She stuffs a box full of eclairs and follows Ambrose home. Ambrose calls the police and the old woman is thrown in the Gulag.

Anyway, the woman knocks on the door and Ambrose is like “YES, WHAT IS IT, WHAT, WHAT IS IT? YOU’RE INTERRUPTING DONAHUE.” She barges in, makes disgusting kissy lips at him, and throws him on the couch for some good ol’ fashioned couch-fuckin’. And I don’t mean fucking the couch, if you catch my drift!

The phone rings while the woman tries to rape Ambrose, and it’s Matilda. The woman grabs it and says “BUZZ OFF, WHOEVER YOU ARE! YOU’RE INTERRUPTING A PASSIONATE LOVE SCENE!” Well, I suppose you can all guess what happens next, right? Say it with me: 1… 2… 3… AMBROSE FUCKS THE COUCH.

Nope, what happens next is Matilda breaks up with Ambrose, the old woman vows to visit every single day for the rest of Ambrose’s life, and now Ambrose is forced to pack up his things and move to Saskatchewan.

It’s Sabrina’s turn on suicide watch tonight!

”Power Play”

Harvey is walking down the street with an expression that looks like someone had killed his dog in front of him and stomped on its corpse with cleats. Sabrina is concerned! All like “why the long face, doofus?”

“Sigh! I am depressed, Sabrina! Everybody puts me down! I-I- feel inferior!”

Yeah, join the club, Harv. It’s called starting a blog.

“That’s only a mood, dear! I’m sure you’ll feel better tomorrow!”

“Groan! I may not even be here tomorrow!”

Well, that took a dark turn. Speaking of suicide watch, I suppose. You would think Sabrina would take this with utmost seriousness, but Sabrina merely says “Poor boy!” She goes home and channels the head witch, Della, for advice. Della poofs into the room. She looks like angry Wonder Woman and she’s smokin’ hot.

“You called, Sabrina? What can I do for you?”

“It’s Harvey, Della! My boyfriend! He’s so depressed!”

“I’ve seen him! He has good reason!”

Lmao, fuck Harvey I guess. Sabrina has a good idea though, one that makes Della jump right out of her spandex. “WHAT?!?” Della responds! What does she respond to? Are you ready for this bombshell?

Sabrina wants to make Harvey a warlock!

Hocus pocus fiddle-dee-dee, turn Harvey Kinkle into Robert F. Kennedy!

“Give our powers to a mere mortal? Never! They can’t handle them!” Della argues, but then she gives in a panel later when Sabrina says “pretty please with a cherry on top, m’lady”. She agrees, temporarily, but he’ll be Sabrina’s responsibility! *cackle*

Harvey feels a sudden surge of power! Power enough to roughhouse without getting scraped up! He sees a mean teenager walking by. “Hmph! There’s bully Benson! Man! I’d like to give him such a boot in the–”

“OUCH!” Bully Benson gets the boot outta nowhere! Harvey hides behind a tree just in case he’s spotted and gets a Colombian necktie.

When the coast is clear, Harvey strolls down the street and spots an unseemly teen in a leather jacket. Flies buzz all around him. “There’s another creep I’d like to see creamed!”

WHACK! Buzzy fly jacket gets whacked by nothing and falls unconscious to the ground. “Sonofagun! My wishes are coming true!” Harvey thinks. He bares his teeth in a fiendish rictus of pleasure. “I’ve got – heh heh – some sort of psychic power!” Think of all the bullies he can disembowel! Oh boy! Oh boy!

Sabrina watches concernedly as Harvey rushes over to a couple of punks named Seymour and Marty. “Hey guys!” Harvey yells. “Hows about a couple of melons across the domes!” And, as ordered, Seymour and Marty get a couple of melons across the domes. They look sticky and confused. Not particularly angry or upset or anything.

Sabrina doesn’t like this one bit! So she takes Harvey’s power away. Just in time for him to approach a mean-ass tough-ass lookin’-ass kid. “Hey, you big ape! I bet you think I’m scared of you!”

“Huh?”

Harvey’s gonna get murdered. He wishes that an egg would hit the guy right in the face, but then nothing happens. The big ape gets mad. Harvey gets nervous. Harvey gulps. Harvey becomes a stain on the pavement.

Fuckin’ Bulgarians! Am I right??

”Modern Magic”

Sabrina approaches her dear Aunt Hilda and, while looking extremely unfashionable, claims that she isn’t “with it”. She calls her “old-fashioned”. She thinks she “smells” like “farts”. “Every few hundred years they up and change everything!” Aunt Hilda bitches. “Are you sure I’m out of style?”

Sabrina hits her in the head with a golf club, decapitating her, and says “yes”. “Ask Cousin Ambrose,” Sabrina says. Because Ambrose, as a middle-aged man, has his finger on the pulse of 1970s culture and fashion. He’s wearing a scarlet suit like he’s fuckin’ Eddie Murphy. “It’s a whole new ball game out there, Hilda! You’re just not keeping up!”

Hilda looks pensive. She looks ganged-up on. She’s sad :[

Sabrina pulls out this month’s issue of Fashion and aims to peruse it for stylin’ new ideas for her decrepit aunt.

After a few tries, by Jove they’ve got it!

You need a vibe check, Hilda. This ain’t it, chief.

Hilda gets motivated to update all her old shit: her passe cauldron, her nuvaring. “There’s a witch’s coven at Old Adam’s house tonight! I think I’ll fly up there and give the girls an eyeful!”

Gross.

Hilda also trades in her broom for a more modern cleaning device. She flies her vacuum about 40 feet before the cord, which is still plugged in, causes her to get flung off the thing and into a fence, causing irreversible brain damage. I mean, more than what was already there I guess.

Hilda gets so pissed off, so fucking mad, that she reverts back to her old ways. That was a fun two minutes while it lasted, though. Sabrina shrugs comically to the fourth wall. Cousin Ambrose continues looking like a child molester.

Intermission

Yes, the Boomers really did a good job with that one.

”Reverse Spin”

The meter reader shows up to Aunt Hilda’s house, and, surprisingly, she does indeed have electricity! I would’ve thought a woman still living in the 1350s would be lighting a single candle like Geppetto and walking around between rooms. “Little dials spinning around – clicking away my money!” she grips. The meter reader invites her to come check it out, which she does, and gets this brilliant idea to hex the meter right in front of the guy. He says “YIPES!” Hilda says “Hee! Hee! Let me know when the electric company begins to owe me money!”

Smart stuff, Hilda. Now you have reverse electricity! Which means you have to give it all back to your outlets. The meter reader is mad that the thing is on the dang fritz. “I’ll have a new one installed in an hour!”

Hilda congratulates herself on her wonderful prank by annoying Sabrina with her mere presence. Sabrina chastises Hilda for her destructive joke. Hilda, chin jutting out as it does, asks Sabrina where her sense of humor went. In her cavernous butt?

Next thing you know, Hilda attempts to commit more fraud! At the butcher she zaps to the scale to show this giant Flintstones-style cut of meat to be two pounds. Later, Sabrina looks devastated. “Aunt Hilda! You cheated that nice man!!”

Now to hex Spotify into giving me $0.003 per stream!

Sabrina won’t stand for it! Hilda checks her fridge with the intention to microwave that delicious piece of dog meat… and it’s gone! It’s gone! Where the fuck did it go? Sabrina admits right away in front of a witch that could turn her head into a moldy pumpkin that she took the meat back to the butcher shop using a workaround. “You convinced me it was fun reversing dials! So I tried it on the clock and turned time backward!”

Smart stuff, Hilda. Now you’ve created a time paradox that’ll cause Marty McFly’s family to disappear.

“So you see, today is now yesterday!” Sabrina smiles effusively. “You haven’t even gone to the butcher shop yet!”

Hilda head swirls like she drank her whole stock of bathtub moonshine. Even the stuff that’s still in the bathtub.

Final Thoughts

Does Sabrina go to school? Did this teenage witch drop out to pursue her witch trade? What does Hilda do for money? Does she sell potions to Gargamel? Is she fucking Gargamel? Oh my god, Hilda is fucking Gargamel isn’t she? Damn, girl.