Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50!

Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Vol. 3), Issue #50 [December, 2003]

“Monster Advice” – Abby Densen

If you can believe it, this is my first Sabrina story. So bear the fuck with me while I get everyone’s names wrong right away. I know Sabrina and Salem and nobody else. Hopefully she doesn’t have any friends!

“What’re you working on, Sabrina?” asks Salem with a purrrr-fect smirk! “You don’t have your regular ‘homework scowl’ on!”

“I’ve got a new part-time job, Salem, for ‘Magic Times’, the other realm’s hippest magazine!”

Well, this is quite contrived already! What is Sabrina’s job going to entail? Writing up J. Peterman-esque blurbs about, uh, witch hats and Harry Potter charmed baubles?

Salem is super interested because he’s a cat and cats don’t have much stuff going on, apparently. They need to horn in on other people’s day-to-day “events”. He thinks Sabrina’s responding to fan letters, but he’s dead fucking wrong like an idiot from Hell. She’s in charge of maintaining the advice column for pixies and trolls, but she has to deal with “pop-up notes”. Meaning, these creatures’ floating heads pop up into her room intrusively and she has to deal with it accordingly.

Oh hey, a fairy just barged into Sabrina’s private quarters. She’s asking about some cockamamie trivial shit regarding being in love with a wizard even though that’s pretty much bestiality in the other realm! Sabrina ain’t judgin’, though. Just because he’s as large as Peter Pan and she’s as small as Tinkerbell doesn’t mean that they can’t enter the Bone Zone! “If things go well and romantic feelings develop,” Sabrina smiles, “ask him to do an enlargement spell on you! He is a wizard after all!”

Go fuck someone your own size, Greenie.

The only thing this wizard is saving his enlargement spell for is his own dick, so don’t hold your breath on this one, Fairy Lady. Who’s next??

Salem compliments Sabrina effusively on a job well done! Someone’s angling for some catnip, being an insufferable kiss-ass and all that. However, these “pop-up notes” give him the heebie-jeebies! Like this one here! Ahhh! A Frankenstein! Oh no! Ahhhh! Oh no!

“Dear Sabrina, please help me. I’m a teen Frankenstein creature. You can call me Frankie! My problem is, I can’t find a date! All the girls say I’m a cold fish just because I’m a mellow guy!”

Well, here’s your first problem, Neck-Bolts: You’re a scary monster and a super creep! David Bowie said it better than I ever could, but that’s beside the point. Have you tried dating little fairies? They like it when their men use enlargement spells.

Sabrina promises Frankie that he won’t be some incel posting in the r/ForeverAlone subreddit. She’s going to invite interested girls to write into the magazine, and he’ll have a date in no time! Another satisfied customer! *dusts off hands*

So Halloween’s coming up and it’s the busiest monster season of the year for reasons I cannot even possibly fathom! Oh well! Sabrina’s love interest, Harvey, invites her to his party which she accepts with hearts over her head.

Gah! What will my friends think of me hiding a disembodied Dracula head in my locker?!

Things are normal until she gets a pop-up note in her locker. “Eek! Not at school!” she shrieks at the hapless vampire boy head floating around her purview. His problem is urgent, though, so cork the chatter and hear him out: he’s in love with a sun goddess named “Sunny” but she’ll literally kill him if he gets too close. So now what, hot shot?

Sabrina’s advice is “shut up until I figure something out”.

Later, Sabrina’s starting to feel a little overwhelmed by the constant barrage of needy teenagers. On top of that and homework, she has to figure out what to wear for Harvey’s party (Sexy burn victim! Sexy burn victim!) A cat?! Boring! You’re fucking boring, Sabrina.

After solving that problem boringly, Sabrina boots up her computer to do some research on Mr. Vampire’s Sun Goddess problem. Perhaps there’s a spell that will help him walk around in the sun without poofing in a cloud of Buffy dust.

Then a werewolf pops in between Sabrina and her computer, all like “MUH FUZZY FACE IS FULL OF SPLIT ENDS!” Then Frankie pops in again demanding his problem to be acted upon with haste, and Vampire Kid is like “what about meeeeee”.

So fuck this. “I’m freaking out!” Sabrina yells. “There’s no way I can solve everyone’s problems and be ready for Harvey’s party in an hour!”

Things start solving themselves, though. A zombie girls pops in and says that Frankie sounds like a perfect match! They both like killing kids, it’s a wonderful situation! Glad we could hook you two up. But, arrgh, Frankie’s nervous. How is a lame-o like him supposed to get bold and ask out a g-g-g-g-g-guh-guh-guh-girl???

Sabrina has an idea: invite all these fuckfaces to Harvey’s party! She’ll probably be able to solve everything easily there, of course! Why not? And plus, you horrible pariahs of society, you’ll look like you’re just wearing costumes. It’s perfect!

Oh boy!

You two losers will be alone forever.

Sabrina prowls to the party in her accidentally-sexy cat costume. Harvey is dressed like Virgin Zorro. “I hope you don’t mind – I brought some friends along!” Sabrina says, motioning toward her posse of misfits. Harvey jubilates! He’ll get the punch!

Sabrina’s got a special ring for Drac. All he has to do is say “coppertonus” into the ring and he’ll be able to stand out in the sun for exactly eight seconds! Problem solved!

Werewolf gets a bottle of conditioner. The good stuff from Pert Plus. Problem solved!

Now everyone’s having fun at the party and we’re all happier for it. Especially me, and I’m never fucking happy.

“Sabrina, your friends and their costumes really made my party a success! Where did you meet them?” Harvey asks.

“Oh, they’re just some ‘pen-pals’ that popped by!” she answers.

The laugh track is so loud that my TV explodes into a million pieces.

”Scat Cat” – Bill Golliher

Scat cat? Gross!

“Salem, shouldn’t you get some exercise?”

“What do you suggest?”

“I don’t know; don’t you have some cat friends to play with?”

“Hmmph! Oh yeah, like I would ever let another cat chase me around the house!”

Sabrina makes a fucking tiger appear in the living room, scaring the shit out of Salem and traumatizing him to the point of requiring intensive therapy.

The laugh track is so loud that God tells me to shut up.

”Kennel Chaos!” – Bill Golliher

Salem is going to spend nine months in a kennel while the Spellman family continues living in their house cat-free.

Salem wants to go to the annual Aunt Hera visit in the other realm, but either Hilda or Zelda because I don’t know who is who and I don’t care, tells him that Aunt Hera is allergic to cats! D’oh! And the poor sap thinks he’ll be spending his days lounging in front of the TV eating jelly beans, but they’re going to throw his ass into the kennel. And we knew this already, but Salem didn’t and that’s why it’s funny now! LMAO!

Salem has the upper hand: he’ll tell everyone that he’s a wizard and that the women are witches! That’ll stick in your craw, right Hazel? Wait, what are you doing? Stop! *throws cat into the brig*

Have you ever been to Guatemala City, Salem?

The Spellmans leave and Salem gets put into a cage immediately. The other animals moan and whine about their masters abandoning them, but Salem sets them straight by saying stuff like “Of course they abandoned you!” and “You’re going to die in here, morons.”

But then he’s like “nah I’m kidding”, but he does tell them all that their owners are all having fun while they’re stuck in here. And he can prove it! How? Well, Salem unlatches his cage and then peruses the kennel’s paperwork, obviously. Hey, Sanchez you loveable mutt, you’re here for two weeks while your family visits Hawaii! And Scotty, you’re here for an indefinite amount of time while you’re family’s in shitty Florida! And Spike, Spi-i-i-i-iiike, your owners are dead! HAHAHAHA! DEAD TIRED of being in the Grand Canyon! But probably not! Ha!

“That’s awful!” gripes one of the dogs. “We shouldn’t put up with it.”

So what’s Salem’s solution? Throwing a little party; turn on some music, grab some snacks. Raise some hell. Like good little doggies. Order pizza. Ritual sacrifices because, you know, these are witchy comics after all.

All the animals enjoy themselves until the Russians drop the bomb, but that doesn’t happen yet.

But OH SHIT, it’s coming onto 7am and they’re still partying! And the humans will be back soon! Let’s wrap this shit up, everyone. NOW!

Soon, the animals are all back in cages and the room is full of empty pizza boxes. The pizza guy comes back the next day to collect his money like a fucking mobster, saying that the expired credit card was under Salem Spellman. Well, in two shakes of a lamb’s tale, the kennel owner calls the Spellmans over to pick up their fucking asshole cat and she gives them the bill.

Let this be a lesson, everyone. Put down your Salems as soon as possible.

”Sleepover Slip Up!” – Bill Golliher

Orange Hair = Aunt Zelda

Blonde Hair = Aunt Hilda

Here’s the little mnemonic I can use to remember that: O’ Zelda, Buh-Hilda. Feel free to use it too, it helps!

Zelda and Hilda are fucking off for the weekend at the “Single Witch Convention”, which sounds to me like a hella orgy that Sabrina has no place to be anywhere near for at least a couple of years.

The second they leave, Salem runs for the TV. And also the lasagna and also his “I HATE MONDAYS” t-shirt with the frown on it. He doesn’t get a spot on the couch, because four teenage girls POOF out of thin air. One of them is Sabrina’s tiny little cousin, Esmerelda, and she insists that their aunts told Sabrina that she was staying for an impromptu sleepover! So bust out the Twister, girlfriend. It’s about to get naughty in here.

Let’s roast this house to the ground, fellow bitches!

Esmerelda and her moochin’ friends start turning the house into a campsite, snapping their fingers and producing trees and waterfalls rolling down the stairs. Tents and grass and dirt and campfires and bears and bugs and skunks and pedophile camp counselors. As you can imagine, Sabrina starts getting annoyed.

To make matters worse, EEK and EEP, Harvey shows up to the house! Now, he’s as surprised as anyone to see kids running around. He heard that Sabrina’s aunts were gonna be out of town… so… he thought… maybe… you know… there’d…. there’dbesomefuckin’…

Harvey sees the water gushing down the stairs and goes “heh heh, uhm… looks like you’re busy and I’ll… hey are you making s’mores??”

Esmerelda wants Harvey to stick around. He’s “cute” and maybe he knows “scary stories”. Like maybe the time he got his wang stuck in an electrical socket? That was pretty scary.

“Well, it all started on a dark night… this couple had a flat tire in the woods and the guy got out to change it… then he heard something…”

I’M SHIVERING ALREADY, HARVEY, AND IT MIGHT JUST BE YOUR DULCET TONES. TELL US MORE.

“A low deep growl! And then he turned around and saw it! The Swamp Monster! It was covered with green slime and had one big eye!”

Esmerelda gets an evil glint in her eye and decides to conjure up this cute little swamp monster we’ve all been hearing so much about today!

Where’s the bathroom, homie?

Well, sir, Harvey booked it on out of there in a jiffy before Sabrina got back from doing whatever it was she was doing (deodorant in the vagina). I mean, making s’mores. Same thing.

“Where’d Harvey go?”

“He had to leave kinda quickly!”

“He did? Was his story any good?”

“Oh, yes…” Esmerelda motions toward the giant Harvey-shaped hole in the hall. “…I guess you could say it left quite an impression!”

The laugh track is so loud that Nairobi explodes.

Final Thoughts

Looks like the 2000s Sabrina comics are pretty juvenile! Even more so than any of the Archies I’ve read so far, and those are pretty damn juvenile.

Almost in a bad way, though… like, they’re so juvenile that they’re difficult to make fun of in the same way?

Or maybe because I’m losing my touch and I’m on three hours of sleep!

Also, I died four hours ago. Sorry.