Simpsons Comics, Issue #1 – Back-Up Story [November, 1993]
Written by: Steve Vance
“The Collector”

Ah yes, now it’s time for a meta-story about the psychological horror brought about by comic books. But it won’t be what you expect!

Lightning crackles around a “mansion”. They call it a mansion, but the illustration doesn’t make the house look very mansion-y. There appear to be six rooms? I have a mansion too, then. A two-bedroom mansion.

“The eerie old mansion stands alone on a hill at the edge of town. The owner of the house leads a reclusive existence, with only a single servant to attend to him.”

Mr. Butler most certainly spends his evenings gratifying this man sexually, which is something Alfred Pennyworth would never do! Not for Bruce Wayne, yuck.

The owner of the house is characterized as an anti-social man with a snobby, rude disposition. They can’t portray this grump by Mr. Burns because Mr. Burns would never touch a comic book in his life. So, instead, he is portrayed as Homer, because that makes *checks the holding capacity of a thimble* …that much more sense!

“Rumor has it, however, that he is fabulously wealthy, and that hidden deep in his house is a treasure beyond imagining.”

Like the Cave of Wonders, perhaps? Don’t let the monkey try to steal the large red gem! He will fuck EVERYONE over.

This unpleasant man has a daily evening ritual: eat a huge meal, smoke a cigar, drink a fancy cocktail, and…

You’re full of shit, Homer. Watch your TV. Drink your beer. The joke’s over.

Reads a comic book? Yeah, ok. Who is this guy in his 30s reading comic books at night??

Heh heh… uhm…

ANYWAY, this guy is the real deal. Haggles on rare and pricey comic books. Keeps them in the sleeves. My own personal collection of Simpsons Comics is unbagged and thrown together willy-nilly in the same box I’ve had for the last 25+ years. I love that box. So many good comics!

Total comic nerd, this guy. Collector. After he is finished with his comic book, he returns the thing to its sleeve and takes it downstairs to the vault where he keeps his “treasure beyond imagining”.

“There, among the boxes and crates of long-forgotten heirlooms, he has constructed a home for his collection… a giant climate-controlled vault, which keeps temperature and humidity at optimum levels to preserve his collection!”

The vault is loaded with bookshelves containing thousands upon thousands of comic books. Now, correct me if I’m completely out of line here, but if this issue was made in 1993 then the modern age of comic books has only had a few years under its belt. Which means almost all these comic books are completely unreadable trash. What’s even there? Chris Claremont’s X-Men run? Batman: Year One. That’s it!

“Many might consider the collector’s secluded, single-minded life to be sad, lonely, even pathetic – but, once he enters his vault, he feels surrounded by thousands of friends.”

Fine with me. Not pathetic at all. To each his own, and it honestly sounds somewhat desirable. Fuck people, I’m all about books and TV shows and jerkin’ it. People can take a hike!

Shit’s going to hit the fan here though, are you ready for it?! Smedley, Homer “The Collector” McPherson Kinnear’s butler, is shoving off to his mother for the weekend! Good luck cooking your own dinner, you fat fuck!

Ok, fine, good. Go. Who needs you, Smedley?

Now this is more like it! Back to the Homer we “know” and “love”.

“That night, the Collector goes to the vault as usual, but when he opens the massive door…”

200 dead bodies?!?!

Oh, no, wait, the room is warm. That’s all. Not warmed at all by decomposing bodies, but the thermostat is on the fritz!

“Heat! One of the greatest enemies of old comics!”

The Collector bumbles his way through trying to fix the thing himself instead of calling a professional. Inside the vault, he stands on the very top of the ladder and melts a screwdriver in the circuit breaker box while poking around it like he’s playing Operation. His breaker box is now fucked up, which will likely lead to more hilarious temperature-related hijinks!

His dog comes down and distracts him, which leads to him falling off the ladder, which leads to his dog running out and knocking boxes down, which leads to the vault closing the Collector in, which leads to… the vault closing the Collector in. That’s the last thing it leads to.

“Inside the vault, the Collector coolly assesses his situation…”

“YAAAH! I’M TRAPPED!” the Collector assesses. Coolly. After unsuccessfully ramming the vault door with his shoulder in a Radioactive Man fashion, he decides to give up and resign to his weekend fate of doing nothing but reading comic books until Smedley comes home and opens the door.

BUT THEN, ANOTHER SNAG! The temperature goes down now! What a twist! The vault becomes a freezer after the thermostat shorted out and kicked on the refrigeration unit! I guess there’s nothing to do but read comic books until Smedley comes home and–

No, fuck that. It’s too cold for reading comics. In fact, it’s too cold to be alive for two straight days! Sitting shivering against the vault door, frost begins to form on the Collector’s nose and ears.

“The temperature inside the vault continues to plunge. Now it is far below freezing! The Collector huddles against the door for a long time, fighting the cold. He feels the horrible numbness of frostbite overtaking him.”

“Finally, inevitably, he knows what he must do…”

Eh, you’re better off. When I was a lad, my mother burning my entire comic book collection every three weeks and I turned out ok!

Smedley returns to find all the fallen boxes in front of the vault. He investigates.

Homer Collector has been driven into a blubbering, raving, insane lump.

The bookshelves are empty.

Homer Collector burned his entire collection in order to stay warm and survive the weekend!

Final Thoughts

It’s like a Treehouse of Horror episode without the treehouse, but still the horror! I always liked this story as one of my favorite back-ups of the first 50 issues. It always pleased me that, by the middle of the story, the guy was just Homer being incompetent and locking himself in a vault like a loser.

Stay tuned, Bongophiles! There are plenty, plenty, plenty more delicious Simpsons-related comic book stories to sink your greedy teeths into!