Simpsons Comics, Issue #2

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Simpsons Comics, Issue #2 – Back-Up Story [January, 1994]
Written by: Bill Morrison
“My Sister, My Homewrecker!”

Holy jumpin’ Moses is right, Patty! What the FUCK is Selma doing with Homer?! Suckin’ his dick?? Looks like we’ll have to read on to find out, eh??

Marge gives us a little introduction: “Hello! Marge Simpson here. I’m not really sure why I’m telling you this story. It’s lurid, embarrassing, and quite frankly none of anybody’s business. But I suppose some of you bought the comic book because of the eye-popping back cover, so I guess I owe it to you.”

Thanks, Large Marge! We begin the story in bed (hubba hubba). Homer is drooling and talking in his sleep: “Selma… Selma… Ooh, baby!”

Marge is justifiably alarmed! Dreaming about Selma?? “Just the mention of her name makes him shudder with bile-rising revulsion.”

She didn’t think much of it until the next day, when she and Patty were sharing a pleasant conversation over coffee and maple logs… until…

“MY HUSBAND IS DOING WHAT WITH WHO?”

“You heard me. Homer is having an affair with Selma!”

Sounds like a marital pickle. I wonder if there’s any validity to this outlandish claim! Well, Patty did her homework, you see. It started with snooping upon one of her sister’s many failed dates…

Yo, this guy seems like a winner to me.

“Hit the trail, buckaroo,” Selma says, punching the guy across the mug. The guy lies outside in the hallway as Selma slams the door on him. “Memo to myself:” he says in a tape recorder “Destroy Big Book of Cowboy Metaphors, donate expensive western wardrobe to charity, save receipt for large tax write-off…”

When Patty had asked Selma how things went, Selma grumpily says the dating pool is all dried up. “I guess I’ll have to move to another state – or start dating married men.”

Patty admits to Marge that she thought Selma was joking! And Homer, of all people? That guy smells like rancid Fritos and mayonnaise!

It wasn’t until Patty actually saw them did she go all “holy jumpin’ moses” about things. “…and then I rushed right over to tell you while every sleazy detail was still fresh in my mind.

Marge looks discomfited.

“You got any more maple logs?” Patty asks.

Marge does not believe the story. At all! Patty asks where he is right now then? Marge says he’s at Moe’s, and Patty urges her to give the tavern a call.

Fool me three times, shame on God.

When Marge is told by Moe(‘s answering machine) that Homer is nowhere to be found (possibly dead and buried in Guam or something), Marge starts getting ten kinds of nervous!

“The pieces of this horrible picture puzzle were falling into place. It began to dawn on me that Patty’s accusations could be true. But still I needed proof. So with my heart pounding in my chest, I agreed to go with Patty to her apartment – to catch Homer and Selma in the act of sinful betrayal!”

And lo’, Marge sees what Patty saw through the window: Selma suckin’ face with Homer’s ugly bald head. Marge barges in.

“Homer J. Simpson, how could you? And with my own sister!”

“Marge, wait – I can explain!”

Marge punches Homer in the face… and his head falls off.

The Dr. Marvin “Gravel Voice” Monroe comes into the room. “Allow me to explain, Mrs. Simpson. After a quick credit check, I examined your sister. I soon discovered the root of her incredibly twisted mental state…”

Monroe yada yadas about Selma’s jealousy with Marge and her contempt for Homer created a subconscious desire to date flawed men and doomed relationships. So he got Duff Gardens to help make a realistic Homer robot. “Selma was just about to dump this fake Homer and complete her therapy when you interrupted us. I’m afraid it may take years of expensive treatment to undo the damage to Selma’s psyche.”

Marge looks embarrassed and angry. So what was Homer muttering about in his sleep??