Welcome back to the Book Bonfire, you Book Bonfirephiliacs! Today we tackle The Martian by Andy Weir, a gripping tale of heroism and survival on the big red rock we call *accidentally drops all notes into a sewer* … uhm… … MATT DAMON!

Note: I never watched the movie. I don’t know the first thing about this story. I just know that MATT DAMON!

Based on all the Internet crabapples, this is a book that you’ll either love or you’ll hate. If you like hard science fiction with dad jokes and very little attention to the mental and emotional breakdown that comes from being dangerously isolated on Mars for over a year, then you’ll love this book! I loved this book! If you like the exact opposite of everything I said, you’ll hate this book! I didn’t hate this book!

Now that we have that out of the way, I can see why the hard science aspect of the story can be off-putting to even the most stalwart of science fiction fans (the ones who like space operas and aliens with bumpy heads). I’ve read many hard science textbooks for college and that shit is dry as a bone, son. Based on my experience reading old white men’s words on stoichiometry, I can say with FANATIC PLEASURE that Weir makes it as interesting as possible. This is accomplished by writing his main character, Mark Watney, as an instantly relatable everyman. When I read the first ten pages I was starting to expect that Mark was going to be the only character in the whole novel. AU CONTRAIRE! A crazy cast of characters awaits. The NASA guy. The other NASA guy. The NASA lady. A rich mix of interchangeable nerds. They all exist as a plot forwarding catalyst. Here’s a thing that will save Mark! Oh, it won’t work! Here’s another thing that will save Mark, I hope it works! Rrrrrrggghhhh, edge of the seat suspense!

Watney spends the entire book completely unfazed about being stuck on a planet with a death clock slowly ticking down. He reminds me of Deadpool, making jokes while almost dying. Except Deadpool can’t die. Perhaps Watney forgets this aspect of his humanness! While some readers were put off by his impossibly upbeat attitude, I found it charming and likeable. And usually I don’t find that kind of thing anything other than obnoxious, so Weir did a good job here. Hell, Watney was keeping the rest of his crew upbeat during the most trying of times. He’s just that kind of guy, you know? I could suspend my disbelief that, even on Mars, this cat kept his cheerful attitude. Better than succumbing to off-world depression, am I right? We’ve all been there.

I don’t know how accurate all the science is, but it seems plausible enough to me and I’m some sort of real-life smarty man engineer! There’s a lot (and I mean a lot) of descriptive nonsense about converting CO₂ to C + O₂ and then isolating H₂ and combining H₂ and O₂ to make H₂O, for one thing. There’s a lot of other chemical malarkey going on besides this, but I can dig it. Watney also spends an awful long time talking about growing potatoes on Mars using his own feces, which must be accurate. I’ve grown potatoes in my toilet and it works! Watney also fixes a lot of shit by taking apart shit and hammering the pieces onto other shit. I’m not mechanic, but this sounds like a hard thing to do on Mars. Watney’s a genius, though. He works for NASA!

Most of the book follows the same formula of “let’s help Watney get back to Earth” from NASA personnel, and “I’m gonna try to not fuck up and die” from Watney, and I don’t find a thing wrong with it. Even though you know Watney’s going to stay alive through it all, it’s still satisfyingly suspenseful. Plus, those final pages where Hermes intercepts the MAV? I was so anxious that I shat all over my marital bed!

So that’s about it! Let’s move onto some hard-hitting discussion questions!

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

To what extent does Mark’s log serve as his companion? Do you think it’s implicit in the
narrative that maintaining a log keeps him sane?
Yes, so Mark Watney’s side of the story is told through his log entries. He primarily uses it to talk the reader through his staying-alive process and little else. As a plot device it does the job, but one needs must suspend his or her disbelief that Watney never uses the log as therapy to deal with the unimaginable isolation, loneliness, and fear of the very real possibility of death. Instead he makes jokes about titties and writes at length about potatoes.

I found a good explanation for this. Watney eventually realizes that he may really survive the whole ordeal, and that his personal log may be read by thousands. He mentions cleaning up some of the rougher edges of the log, which he may have already done for the reader. Perhaps he decided to remove all the entries where he whines hopelessly about being unfathomably cold, tripping on moon rocks, and watching so much Dukes of Hazzard that he wants to commit suicide all over the place.

Of course, it’s more likely that Andy Weir had no idea how to write that type of characterization. So it was all potatoes. And shut up, I know they aren’t moon rocks.

There’s no mention of Mark having a romantic relationship on Earth. Does that make it easier or harder to endure his isolation? How would the story be different if he had a partner back home?
I thought about this a lot. I have no idea what Watney actually looks like, but I would guess based on his ability to not immediately stuff his fucking face with all the available rations that he’s probably some noodle-armed 105-lb nerd. Did they ever mention his physical characteristics at all? I don’t remember. But I picture this very happy, very content, hopeless virgin with high self-esteem in his late-20s/early-30s who devoted his life to botany and fixing shit. He still lives with his parents, who live 20 minutes away from Cape Canaveral, and enjoys eating his mom’s cooking. He had a girlfriend once probably in 4th grade who chased him around the playground during recess for about two weeks before she got bored.

Mark Watney has no romantic relationship on Earth. Ironically, this makes it easier for him to endure his isolation because no one loves him anyway. The story would be different if he had a partner back home because he would miss him/her and would spend less time posting ASCII boobs to NASA Mission Control. Maybe.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great book! Would read again someday! A good novel to embrace your geekiness. Everyone who hated it probably didn’t understand all the technical mumbo-jumbo about using encased plutonium pellets to heat up bathwater or fixing spacesuits with duct tape. Only the most intelligent of brain geniuses can parse such Mensa concepts.