Welcome to February, 1986! Halley’s Comet would come by Earth and almost slam into Mars, shattering it into seventeen trillion pieces! The Soviet Union launches the Mir space station in order to deal with that pesky Halley’s comet! The United States outlaws genocide! Good for them.

And Calvin continues to a little buttheaded pain the keister. At least there’s no genocide involved. Yet!

February 4, 1986 – Hey, I think I saw that movie! I remember some Judd Nelson full-frontal shots.

There are a lot of really terrible age-inappropriate movies that Calvin wants to see over the years, but there’s nothing with a better title than “The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High”. Not only is it gruesomely graphic for something that was allowed to be printed in the Sunday paper (on a day when people go to CHURCH for Jesusfuck’s sake!), but I love how happy Calvin is just saying the name. Look at his eye in the second panel, it’s almost as if he’s blanketed in the warmth pure concentrated bliss.

He obviously wants to watch the movie to take notes. Mom made a good call here.

February 11, 1986 – Nice try, buddy. Hobbes will risk his life on his own time.

There’s a not a single instance where Calvin boards his sled or wagon where a real child wouldn’t have died horribly. I think it’s ironic that these adventures always involve philosophical discussions when getting killed would render such philosophical discussions completely irrelevant for the two parties involved. Really makes you think, doesn’t it? (no)

February 14, 1986 – Next time Susie will hit Calvin in the back of the head with a shovel and REALLY prove her love.

Unless I’m mistaken, this is the only time where Calvin and Susie’s mutual fondness was this overt. Usually it’s like “I’m going to impale your butthole with a broom handle” or “You’re an atrocity of a piece of shit who will be alone forever” or “If you come any closer to me you will be President of the Sex Offender Registry”. The fact that this strip from 2/14/1986 exists makes it officially canon that Calvin and Susie would, in fact, bone each other’s brains out the very day puberty hits.

February 15, 1986 – What six-year-old hasn’t done this?

Calvin’s not making any snow goons yet, but he has always been a very accomplished snowman builder in his own right! I mean, check this shit out right here: In the time it takes for Calvin to walk by, Mom to get suspicious, Mom to head upstairs, and Mom to open the bedroom door, he had already built an entire snowman. That’s, like, ten seconds maximum. That’s fucking respectable is what that is.

February 18, 1986 – I’m guessing Bill Watterson had even more imaginative heavy metal band names than “Scrambled Debutante” in his back pocket, but the editors wouldn’t let him use anyone. If I had to guess, one of them was “Chainsaw Blowjob”.

I’m trying to guess what kind of music a band named “Scrambled Debutante” would even play. If violence, sex, and drugs are on the table, then I bet Mom or Dad already listens to this kind of shit. Dad goes to hardcore punk bars at 2am wearing denim jackets with straight edge Minor Threat patches and asks for wine coolers.

February 23, 1986 – Stuff like this is probably why that one lady drove her kids into a lake.

The penultimate panel is worth the price of admission alone on this Sunday strip, not even minding the fact that Mom wants to pop the hood when we can clearly see the muffler falling right off the car in Panel 3. Check it out, Hobbes in the one honking the horn. Calvin is completely scot free on that one, and no jury would ever convict him for it.

February 26, 1986 – Funding efforts for world domination begins with one quarter.

Dad has such a punchable face. Look at him holding that coin with smug satisfaction. I’ve mentioned this before, but you just know this is exactly how Watterson’s dad treated him too. All like “now son, you will need to spend 19 hours toiling in the talc mines before you can earn your shiny doubloon”. No wonder Watterson murdered his father in 1981.

February 28, 1986 – A double feature with “The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High”.

I’ve tried this trick before, except I was on the top and my stuffed tiger was on the bottom!

Calvin has really great taste in movies. I bet I’d love the shit out of “Vampire Sorority Babes” because I’m an alpha male who isn’t cucked and I can run 1,000 miles without puffing.

Is February over already? Damn, looks like you’ll have to tune in next time for the worst Calvin and Hobbes feature any blog ever had!