Welcome to January, 1986! The Superbowl XX halftime show on January 26th would be the last featuring Up With People nerds. The Challenger disaster on January 28th would claim the lives of seven astronauts and NOT Ronald Reagan. Something about Uganda happened too.

New year, new beginnings! Calvin partakes in plenty of snow-related shenanigans ahead of the spring season! We see an extended arc where Calvin tries to sabotage Susie’s note passing. Oh, the adventures will have today!

Calvin is a cunt hair away from a spanking on New Year’s Day! Let’s observe:

January 1, 1986 – New Year off to a rocky start there, sonny!

If Calvin’s New Year’s resolutions involved not making Dad uncomfortable, then he already blew it! Perhaps Dad is an absolute stick-in-the-mud prude from the seventh circle of Hell itself, but if my almost-six year old asked me this question I’d be ROFLing on the floor LMAOing my ass off! I certainly wouldn’t have reacted however he did, which was, at best, stick-in-the-mud prudish.

I really wish I knew what Dad said to Calvin here. Maybe I underestimated him? Maybe he answered with “GOOD QUESTION, SON. NOW YOU MADE ME SAD BECAUSE I WOULD CERTAINLY PREFER A HAREM OVER YOUR MOTHER, WHO WEARS WAY TOO MANY CLOTHES ALL THE TIME,” followed by a frown. Always followed by a frown.

January 5, 1986 – If looks could kill, Panel 5 would raze an entire civilization.

CHUNK.

My favorite part about this colorful Sunday strip is that Susie Derkins has the ability to lift Calvin up right over her head. If that doesn’t stir a six-year-old’s crush right into a full-blown infatuated obsession, I don’t know what will.

January 9, 1986 – Sexually frustrated Hobbes may never get his smooch on.

And that Amazon Woman sexual frustration comes out four days later through a little trademark Hobbes horniness! A precursor to the Get Rid Of Slimy GirlS club, Calvin and Hobbes don their gay apparel (newspaper hats) and pursue endeavors of pillagin’ and rapin’ and taking over Captain Phillips’ ship!

The only thing on Hobbes mind, betraying his fake enthusiasm in Panel 1, is his desire to tongue-wrestle with members of the female camp instead of channeling his inner Somali pirate. Time and time again, Hobbes disappoints Calvin with amazing consistency!

January 14, 1986 – Bang! Zoom! You’re going to the moon, Susie!

Shortly after Calvin gets CHUNKed into a snowball, he becomes bitter and resentful over Susie’s power over him. Tables are turning! He plots his fiendish revenge, which involves nothing more than reading all the notes that Susie passes during class.

You would think Susie gets the last laugh here, but you’re wrong. Obviously, with his handsome fists, Calvin pummels Susie within an inch of her life as he knocks her teeth out. One at a time. It’s such a gruesome display of maniacal mayhem that even Bill Watterson refused to actually print the strip! First of all, he used way too much red ink. Second of all, he wanted to have it blown up and hanging in his living room instead.

January 17, 1986 – Mr. Spittle is gonna hit the sauce pretty hard tonight.

Meh. By the end of the week, Calvin and Susie got their asses booted to the principal’s office. They fear for the ultimate 1986 school punishment: the spanking! Surely the whole student body knows of Mr. Spittle’s legendary spanking paddle! 6Al-4V titanium for extra strength, durability, and forceful swinging. Nine holes drilled for aerodynamic efficiency and dramatically reduced air resistance. A nice, cushioned rubber foam handle for ergonomic comfort. Yes, yes. And a giant fucking four-inch spike glued to it.

January 23, 1986 – Mom’s exasperated expression in Panel 3 is one of my favorites.

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull a fast one on ol’ Mom over here. Don’t you know that Calvin’s mom double majored in astronomy/particle physics and child behavior psychology, with a minor in sociology? Three dissertations, three, covering the influence of paddled spankings with respect to child development?

And now she’s a bitter stay-at-home mom while Dad schleps over every day to work as a patent attorney in his smelly butthole office. He brings home $38,000 per year while Mom spends her evenings secretly removing Hobbes from Calvin’s bed and punting him around the house for hours.

January 26, 1986 – As usual, Spaceman Spiff has seen better days.

I’m on Mom’s side with this one. My oldest daughter is almost six years old and she’s a goddamned tornado. She wakes up at 6am and goes to bed at 10:30pm, and she spends every waking hour turning my couch into a pile of fluff and kindling.

Like Calvin, she has an imagination that I could have only dreamed of having when I was that age (if I was even imaginative enough to consider dreaming of having an imagination). She has seahorse parties with a slew of stuffed animals who are obviously not seahorses. That’s how off the deep end she is.

Spaceman Spiff appears to be the most incompetent space man since 30 Rock‘s Dr. Spaceman. That much is certain.

January 30, 1986 – The Wrath of Moe

Moe ain’t got no eyeballs.

Moe will pop in occasionally throughout the entire Calvin and Hobbes run, displaying his complete inability to speak entirely in capital letters like every single other character in the comic strip! That’s how you know he’s dumb.

“UH OH. HERE COMES MOE. THE CLASS BULLY!” Who hasn’t said this from time to time?

OK, I’m out of things to say now.