Welcome to July, 1986! Boy George was in rehab for his heroin addiction! Billy Joel releases another really shitty studio album! Not much else fucking happens. It was a sleepy month.

Not for Calvin though. That kid was pumping Boy George full of heroin! I knew it all along!

July 1, 1986 – Water balloon warfare is never pretty.

Here’s how we can be topical: Ukraine took a stick and poked Russia’s water balloon! This is so funny I am laughing hard at this.

Stick beats water balloon. What beats stick? What beats stick that water balloon can also beat? I’m going to hazard an option: FIRE! Duh. I’m so smart.

Stick! *extends index finger*
Water Balloon! *fist*
Fire! *wiggles fingers*

It’s the hot new game of 2023!

July 6, 1986 – Sploop. Splop.

One day, Dad’s going to come home from work stroking his gun and then shoot his whole family. “I could’ve gotten a dog,” he’ll say. “We here happier as just a couple,” he’ll say. “The voices won’t stop. They just won’t stop,” he’ll say. “Let me send my boy to Heaven,” he’ll say.

And then, before he turns the gun on himself, he’ll mutter softly: “Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie.”

July 8, 1986 – Calvin’s family are always HOLLERIN’ ABOUT THE HAMBURGERS.

Go to Chili’s! There are plenty of things to eat other than hamburgers! Everyone will be happy! Applebee’s has Three-Cheese Chicken Penne! Get a fucking order of potato skins at TGI Friday’s!

Let Mom drive after lunch. Dad needs a Valium.

July 14, 1986 – Arrrrrr, mayhaps it be pirate booty!

As we’ve seen in the past, Calvin likes movies like Chainsaw Babes from Planet Boobtown and The Monsters Who Fucked People Before They Ate Them. If there was a movie theater around their camp, they would have to settle for one of the most popular movies of July, 1986: Big Trouble in Little China. The Kurt Russell really melts my butter, I’ll tell you that much for free.

July 18, 1986 – Flowers are stupid. I agree with this sentiment. I fuck with flowers all the time.

Calvin is practicing early for when he starts gaslighting his future girlfriends. Never too early to start for any man, I always say.

(I never say that. Trust me. I don’t gaslight anyone. Especially not my loyal fans! Heh heh heh.)

July 23, 1986 – Child abuse is always funny!

The thing about Rosalyn is that she’s a complete sociopath, but only because Calvin is also a complete sociopath and she merely returns in kind. I remember reading this when I was very young and finding the idea of a rat tail interesting enough that I probably tried making one. Maybe I’m a complete sociopath, too. It would explain quite a bit.

July 30, 1986 – Placeholder

I present this one without much comment other then this is hilarious and Susie is a fucking baller. I’d be her unemployed, housekeeping husband any day.