Ahhhh, Earth’s moon. Ol’ Luna. The Beacon of the Sky. The Big Cheese. We’ve all grown to know and love the moon over the course of our meager, useless lives. Some of us look upon its unchanging facade on a nightly basis with awe. Some of us may worship the moon as a god, eager to sacrifice young virgins as offerings for its shining, white light. Some of us curse the moon for the monthly discharge of menses, while others praise the moon for its ability to let us surf the waves of the ocean. In any case, the moon is here to stay.

But what if I were to tell you that the moon has a new companion? Well, idiot, look no further, because as of September 29th, 2024, Earth officially has two moons.

Earth has captured a new mini-moon, 2024 PT5, a small asteroid temporarily trapped by Earth’s gravity. Discovered in August 2024, the asteroid became Earth’s second moon on September 29 but will only stay until November 25… While the idea of Earth having two moons might sound extraordinary, the phenomenon of mini-moons is not entirely new. These smaller, temporary companions are regularly captured by Earth’s gravity but typically only stay for short periods before continuing their journey around the Sun.

The moon and its denizens are not your friends.

That’s right, folks. Two, count ’em TWO, moons! Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but two moons is just one too many. Mars has two moons, and just look at that shitheap. A barren, horrible land with no water or intelligent life (except for those pesky Martians who are busy looking for their Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators). I think having two moons, even temporarily, is a terrible misfortune to plague our already-dying planet. Can you even imagine — can you even fathom — the level of destruction and terror that can only come from a second moon? I’ve consulted my tinfoil-hatted brethren on the True Conspiracy Dot Com Slash Dot Org message boards and we all agree that at least one of the following three scenarios will most assuredly befall our now doomed planet:

1) Space Terrorists

That’s right, folks. Space Terrorists! What’s this moon called again? 2024 PT5? A rather innocuous name, huh? A little too innocuous, if you ask me. It’s the perfect hideaway for radical Earth-hating guerilla forces hellbent on destroying humanity. I don’t know from whence these terrorists came, but one thing is certain: They hate our freedom. They look at civilizations like America, North Korea, Cambodia, Libya, Afghanistan, and Myanmar and think “Look at these smug punks, waving their liberated dicks in the wind at us. Well, no mas!” So what did they do? They hijacked an asteroid and now they are but a mere hundreds of thousands of miles away from our humble planet. What do they seek? What is their agenda? Is there anything we can do to appease them, or do they want to destroy us just because they can?? I tell you, folks. I don’t want to be around when the Space Terrorists collapse our societies and devastate life as we know it. That’s why I bit down on my cyanide pill two minutes ago. You won’t take me alive, you alien extremists!

2) Sun Obfuscation

Yes, a flowery term for something unholy and sinister! Perhaps it’s not Space Terrorists who had driven the moon toward Earth, but some sort of ugly, pointy alien race is surely responsible. And that can only mean one thing: extraterrestrials are plotting to block the sun completely, preventing precious light from reaching our crops, our trees, our bodies for suntanning, and our solar panels for powering our Xboxes for free. You see, 2024 PT5 is powered by thrust engines designed for easily-controlled propulsion. All this race of supreme, intelligent outer space beings needs to do is blot out our sun by maneuvering the rock in an orbit that is not only fast enough to stay geosynchronous with the speed of the Earth’s spin, but located close enough to appear as large as the sun from Earth’s vantage point. Doy, it’s that simple! You all better stock up on SAD lamps and gallons of spray tan applicator liquid, because it won’t be long before this godforsaken moon is wreaking havoc on our collective Vitamin D intake, rendering us depleted and cranky as the dickens.

Space lasers: the final gambit of the space scoundrel!

3) Laser Destruction Unit

This one is the most likely of the three scenarios: a nefarious race of ultra-intelligent aliens have built an enormous fucking laser on 2024 PT5 that is programmed to enter Earth’s orbit and shoot it to smithereens, just like Alderaan, man. Remember when that hot chick from Star Wars had to watch her stupid, useless planet explode in front of her very eyes? Well, it will be like that except it will be the far more important and useful Earth. The problem with this particular scenario is that there’s not much we can do to stop it. With Space Terrorists, all you have to do is wave a watch in front of their eyes and hypnotize them into killing each other instead of us. With blocking out the sun, all we have to do is blow up the sun! But a laser destruction unit?! You’d have to build a giant mirror in order to reflect the laser back out into space, which is fucking impossible! Have you ever tried to construct a giant mirror? You may as well train two jellyfish to suck each other off at the same time.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be on Earth if and when any of this shit starts to go down. Me and my True Conspiracy Dot Com Slash Dot Org buddies ChaosElon, JoeRoganRules, WeirdDanYankovic, and ConspiracyPeterGriffin are attempting to build a rocket in the dump made out of discarded car doors and stolen copper wiring from the abandoned building on Franklin Ave. and 26th Street. We’re going to fill that shit with Olde English Malt Liquor and blast off to Ceres, bitches. Have fun getting painfully and horribly killed by 2024 PT5 while we court all the hot ladies that we read about in The Expanse. Toodles.