The concept of marriage has been around for–

Whoops, I was supposed to fix that before I was done! Ha ha! Anyway, where were we?

So, yeah, marriage. It’s that thing everyone has advice about even though it seems like anyone who actually wants to volunteer marriage advice is either a) in a shitty marriage themselves, or b) in a great marriage, probably, but they do things like write nauseating haikus to each other for their anniversaries or dress up in matching jerseys when they attend sporting events. These are the married couples who post hundreds of photos of themselves together, with their plastic smiles and their creepy wide crow’s-feet-lined soulless desperate eyes. These kinds of couples shop at Michael’s every weekend to buy yarn and buttons.

So yeah, fuck that, I don’t want that. But maybe you do, and you’re so desperate for this kind of relationship that you actually clicked the link to this blog! Not even by accident! Well, don’t worry, I’ve been married for over 10,000 hours so I’m an expert in the matter. If you think your relationship to your awful significant other is in the toilet and there’s no hope, then please read the following regurgitated tripe so that YOU TOO can know how to install a new deadbolt lock on your front door, or whatever the fuck it is I’m trying to talk about here. Who cares.

1. Get Along With Each Other

I can’t stress this one enough, my friends. The key to a happy marriage is KNOWING. WHEN. TO. SAY. YOU’RE. WRONG.

No, actually, that’s stupid. Who told you that, your white middle-aged co-worker? Rounder than he is tall? Kinda looks like one of the Minions? You imagine that his wife looks just like him except with a wig? Tell him he’s a piece of shit next time you see him in the break room. Take off his little spectacles and throw them in the trash.

OK, getting along is easier said than done, right? Perhaps you have very little in common. My wife, for example (who will remain anonymous to protect her identity, let’s just call her “Erika”), likes to leave glasses of pig’s blood lying around the house. Filled to the brim. I happen to frown upon this activity, so we made a compromise and now she only fills them halfway and leaves around twice as many. Marriage is about sacrifice here. Ritual goddamn sacrifice.

If all else fails, you could try just buying a bigger house with more hallways so that there’s less of a chance that you’ll run into each other during the day.

2. Communicate Better

I can’t stress this one enough, my friends. The key to a happy marriage is BUY. A. SEPARATE. BED.

Co-workers are hilarious, aren’t they?! I personally wouldn’t know, I’m unemployed and I argue with a fire hydrant near the overpass every day.

How often do you talk to your spouse? Do you talk to your spouse at all? Does he/she have vocal cords? What do you talk about? Do you talk about work? Sex? Politics? Movies? Drugs? Prostitution? Money? How about money? Do you talk about money? Let’s talk about money. Can I borrow $25?

Communication is this great thing we’re able to do to get other humans to understand what we’re thinking. Unless your spouse isn’t human (no judgement here, man), this should work. If it doesn’t work, that means you didn’t listen to what I was trying to tell you about communication. We need to work on that. And by “we” I mean “you”, because I feel like I’ve been putting all the effort into this lately and getting nothing in return. It’s not all about you, you know.

3. Seek Counseling

I can’t stress this one enough, my friends. The key to a happy marriage is JOKES. COME. IN. THREES.

Oh good gravy, sir or ma’am, you’re thinking about COUNSELING already? You’re going to let some smarmy nerd in an atrocious brown sweater vest share his shitty opinions while you pay him for it? Booooooo! If that’s your plan then at least let me be that smarmy nerd.

Pretend that you two are sitting in uncomfortable plastic chairs in a musty office, arms folded and frowning heavily. Your eye is twitching. Your spouse keeps clicking his/her tongue. Now here I am, sitting behind a large lavish artisan hand-carved wooden desk. I’m grinning like a shithead at you two, with my thumbs under my suspenders. I can’t grow a beard, but I’m picturing that I’ve got this obnoxious fucking beard here. Behind me is a wall of credentials that say things like “Certified Spouse Whisperer”. I’m, like, rotating back in forth in my chair a little too. And it squeaks every time it moves. Finally, after an agonizing few minutes, I lean forward to speak. The room grows dead quiet, the atmosphere thick and heady with suspense and anticipation.

“Have you tried putting it in the butt?”

Marriage saved.

4. Get Divorced

YES. I’ve been trying to say this since Day 1. We’re all sick of hearing about your turd of a fart of a marriage. Get divorced already, you’re making the rest of us miserable.

Hey, buck up there Champ! Don’t worry, this is a whole new beginning! Divorce has nothing but positives! Check out this list, son:

1. There’s a good chance that you won’t end up getting full custody of your shitty kids Bryndynn, Gibraltar, Hashtag, and Keurig.

2. You can take advantage of late night single life and try new pickup lines at your local insufferable hipster oxygen bar or wherever you kids hang out these days. Nothing gets you drunken 3 a.m. pity sex quite like “My spouse exploded in a blimp.”

3. Marriage was all about NAG NAG NAG NAG, am I right? Now you can soothe yourself to sleep every night with your own terrified, haunted, lonely screaming without pesky interruption.

4. You’re free to fake your own anticlimactic death now, something you only dreamed about before! Imagine avoiding all the paperwork and heartache that comes from divorce in the first place. Alimony Schmalimony! The only thing you’ll have to care about when you’re off the grid and hundreds of miles away from civilization is making sure those berries you’re foraging aren’t poisonous. And bear traps. And that one creepy brain-eating swamp amoeba.

Do yourself a favor and print out this post to fold in your back pocket for safe keeping. You’ll never know when you’ll need it. Some days you’ll find yourself staring 1000 yards away with recurring flashes firing across your synapses of plummeting into a hellish endless void. That’s marriage, my friend. Or it’s not. I don’t know. I’ve only been married for a year, and it’s pretty good so far. It sounds to me like you’re just a whiner. Thanks for reading!