Bah Humbug! Wake up! Time is running out! Embrace capitalism and buy some shit for your friends and family!

Are the roads swarmed with Christmas shoppers to the point where even backing out of your driveway takes 74 hours? Abandon your fucking car on the shoulder and hoof it to Kmart, genius. I don’t care if you only have three payments left on it, consider it roadside scrap metal now. You’ve got more important things to worry about.

Those stores are completely clogged with the dregs of society, aren’t they? Waiting in line to buy Grandma’s new blender would’ve been a better idea at 3am when only half the town’s population was there shuffling around aimlessly while frowning at price tags. In order to reach the cashier it looks like you’re going to have to step on some necks. I kid you not, Christmas is a competition and you’ll be damned if you’re going to be falling behind because of pesky, weak-minded social behaviors such as “courtesy” or “decency”.

This woman is doing it right

What did your morbidly obese 11-year-old son want again? Playstation 4? Xbox One (the aptly named third Xbox)? Shit, maybe it was a one of those new Nintendos where Mario only moves when you flail on the couch like an epileptic dog? You’d better get it right, his white-trash best friend Dylan says “one of them is for faggots” and we all know Dylan has his finger on the pulse of gaming culture and which $500 box of plastic and circuits is more homosexual than the other $500 box of plastic and circuits. But wait, every store within a 750-mile radius is completely sold out? This isn’t good news at all. What did I just tell you about stepping on some necks? Geez, all right, well I hope your son will be happy with the “Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen: Get A Clue!” Gameboy Color game you found in the bottom of the bargain bin that hasn’t been perused since 2001. He won’t know the difference, right? Kids are stupid.

Are you finally done with all your shopping? Good, get that shit wrapped up. Wait, you didn’t get them gift-wrapped at the store? What’s the matter with you? All you had to do was donate five cents to the Boy Scouts of America and they would’ve fumbled with wrapping paper and scissors for 20 minutes while you go grab an Orange Julius, and now you’re stuck doing it yourself. Who has the time for that? Just throw it under the tree unwrapped, who cares. Christmas isn’t about effort.

Whew! That wasn’t too hard, was it? Now you have the rest of the holiday season to gripe about Christmas commercials and the many fruitcakes offered by your elderly neighbors and relatives without worrying about shopping. See what can be accomplished with a positive attitude?

Merry Christmas