RIPin’ since 1998.

Guys, something has been brought to my attention. I’m not sure if any of you already knew this, so please sit down. No, really, sit down. You’re going to need to sit down. SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Jesus Christ, I’m trying to tell you something serious here. OK, are you ready for this? You’re not going to believe it.

On May 28th, 1998, at around 3am, Phil Hartman’s wife shot him in the head with a .38 caliber revolver while he was sleeping. She was on Zoloft, alcohol, and cocaine. She drove to a friend’s house and confessed. Her friend, Ron Douglas, didn’t believe her. They both drove back to the house, where Douglas saw Phil Hartman’s body still in the bed. Douglas called the police, the police removed their children from the house first, but when they came back into the house they had discovered Phil’s wife dead in the bedroom with a self-inflicted gunshot wound through her right eyeball.

Her name was Brynn Omdahl. She was a bitch.

Funny stuff, I know! I like to keep it light-hearted once in a while. I think about Phil Hartman’s murder a lot. I mean, not a lot. It’s not like I wake up in the morning, eat my Wheaties, think “Phil Hartman was fucking shot!”, and then brush my teeth. But this happened 25 fucking years ago now, so it feels important to write about it.

But I won’t! I will instead spend the remainder of this post that’s supposed to be observing the 25th anniversary of Phil Hartman’s murder by talking about some other celebrities who were murdered.

Here’s to you, Phil!

John Lennon

John Lennon – Murdered

John Lennon! On December 8th, 1980, Lennon got those glasses blasted right off his face by Catcher in the Rye-loving Mark David Chapman. How do you like them apples, Johnny? Serves you right for beating the shit out of Cynthia Powell. I HATE PHONIES! BAM!

I kid, I kid. Like all smarmy musicians, Lennon didn’t really deserve to die. But he did die, and now we all have to suffer with Beatlemania retrospectives and, uh, martyrdom. Listen, this Chapman guy was motivated by two major things: his aforementioned obsession with Catcher in the Rye, and his anger at Lennon’s “bigger than Jesus” statement. Among other statements. He even wanted to kill Elizabeth Taylor, Ronald Reagan, Paul McCartney, and Johnny Carson! But he only had time to kill John Lennon. He was too busy stroking his pud insanely to remember to do it.

John Lennon is mostly remembered today for his dumb haircuts and his decisions to record audio of himself and Yoko Ono fucking and breathing hard. You can see Lennon’s penis and balls on the cover of that one album. It’s quite majestic, and by “majestic” I mean “really majestic”.

Selena

Selena – Murdered

If you’re a Texan-Mexican man in your 50s, chances are about 99.99% that you have covered your pick-up truck with decals as a commemoration to Selena Quintanilla, aka Selena Quintanilla Pérez, Selena Quintanilla Pérez Hilton, aka Selena.

There’s a lot of backstory behind Selena’s murder, so if you like long novels with hundreds of thousands of details that culminate into a woman getting shot with a gun, then Selena’s story is for you! To be brief, Selena hired Yolanda Saldívar to run a couple of stores. Saldívar sucked hard at running the stores and lost business. About 500 people told Selena to cut this woman loose, but she refused to entertain any possibility that Saldívar sucked hard at helping and doing her job correctly. Selena’s dad discovered that Saldívar embezzled thousands of dollars from the company. After several attempts to discuss the inconsistencies with the numbers and for Saldívar to hand over the financial papers, Saldívar took this opportunity to instead kill Selena with a gun she was carrying around. You know, just in case a Selena-killing situation arose.

So what became of Yolanda Saldívar? Last I heard, she was attempting to run a prison store and she’s sucking hard at it. The warden asked for financial papers and she shot him in the back! Now she’s in mega prison, and you can take that to the bank.

Christina Grimmie

Christina Grimmie – Murdered

I didn’t know who Christina Grimmie was until about two hours ago. She was pretty! She was also murdered!

She got her start on YouTube and then ended up on The Voice, and those are two reasons right there why I’ve never heard of her before and why I will never think about her again after I hit the ol’ “Submit” button on this blog post! Grimmie was killed on June 10th, 2016 at a concert venue in Orlando, Florida. She was signing autographs after her show, then 27-year-old Kevin James Loibl approached her as a fan and shot her three times at point-blank range. Perhaps he was mad that he was missing a vowel in his last name? Police reports indicate that Loibl had an “unrealistic and unhealthy infatuation” with Grimmie, and you know that when you love someone enough you have to murder them in cold blood in front of dozens of witnesses! When questioned about his Grimmie obsession, Loibl would get “angry and defensive” and that he was “tired and ready to ascend”, which is exactly how I described myself at my last job interviews with Home Depot and Pet Supplies Plus.

Thankfully, this is the last murder with a gun that ever happened in America going forward.

Wasn’t that fun, kids?! The moral of the story here is: don’t become famous or you’ll get extremely murdered!

Until next time, ladies and gentlemen. Keep an eye out for crazies with guns!