ADVENTURE! This week I decided to put on my big boy pants and take the plunge into self-hosting my website instead of running it all through WordPress.com, and, wouldn’t you know it, it’s not going as planned!

One of the main things that started to bug me about WordPress.com is that you’re completely locked out of most of the features that would allow you to, you know, have even a little bit of control over your own website. Pesky little stuff like that. I read about a thousand pages for three straight days that guide you, step by step, along the process of transferring your whole website over, and if done right it should be seamless. Well, since I’m a 33-year-old boomer-brain millennial who knows nothing about computers and widgets and databases and feeding the magical microchip fairies to get servers redirected properly, this whole process hasn’t been as seamless as I wanted. And I should’ve expected that.

This is what I get when I Google “computer elf”. His worried expression tells me that he, too, is migrating his website poorly.

There’s all sorts of shit you gotta do! Export databases, make backups, spend money, import databases, tweak settings, reroute domains, reroute servers, clear caches, install plugins, validate SSL certificates, roll 45-sided dice, perform seances, assassinate various ayatollahs, and pray to an assortment of feckless gods. I’ve been putting a lot of my time and energy into trying to sort this all out over the last few days, which would be fine if I didn’t have a job and kids and three Lamborghinis that need waxing!

Right now I feel like it wasn’t worth it, but I’m still in the very early stages, and once it gets all worked out I’ll be fine. But, right now, it’s the pits! I’m mainly peeved because this ordeal has been taking the focus away from what I really want to do with the website, and that’s write! I want to write! I haven’t been writing because I’m too busy making sure my website doesn’t get suddenly redirected to GrannysWithMittens.com or starts tapping into my others accounts, emailing back all these Nigerian princes! I don’t want to maximize my SEO nodules or percolate my PHP Admin or any of that computer nerd shit! Arrghh!

But, in the end, I know all the extra disk space I get from self-hosting will be worth the early headaches. I know having complete control over my page layouts will be something I’ll appreciate as time goes on. Hell, maybe someday I might want to monetize, and now I’ll be able to. So while it’s not all lollipops and shiny dubloons at the moment, I just have to be patient and roll with the punches, as they say.

Stupid Internet.