The most beautiful flag you’ll find from ANY country in the whole WORLD…in North America…that’s north of Mexico and south of Canada.

My conservative parents have always been really into American flags. Like, a little too into American flags. They weren’t kissing American flags like Donald Trump (as far as I was aware), but each of them spent more time thinking about American flags than the average American. For example, I consider myself an average American and I usually spend exactly zero nanoseconds per month thinking about flags of any kind, let alone flags of a specific country, let alone the Official Flag of the United States of America and Its Various Oversea Territories™. Does that make me a horrible American? A horrible human being? A horrible oxygen-breathing creature, one who seems to survive on this planet for no other reason than depriving necessary oxygen to the planet’s more worthy creatures? Probably! I hope so!

My mother has a running list of her favorite American flags in the tri-country area. Usually, the larger the flag, the more she likes it. Her level of enjoyment over a single flag is directly proportional to both its size and proximity. You can be sure that if she was completely rolled up in a flag the size of Lake Malawi, she’d be ecstatic beyond her wildest imagination even as she slowly suffocates to death!

The smelly meatloaf man making sweet, sweet love to the ol’ Stars and Stripes.

My father, while not necessarily as big of a fan of the appearance and aesthetics of the American flag as my mother, still reveres the red, white, and blue eyesore as a symbol of unflappable patriotism. Not a military man by a long shot, he is perhaps the most well-informed civilian in the country with respect to the United States Flag Code. His first duty as a citizen is to always, always, ALWAYS, ensure that the many flags adorning his suburban residence are clean, bright, situated correctly, with not one single thread askew or marred by unseemly dust or errant chili stains!

Obviously, growing up in such a household, I was often imparted with flag-related knowledge and required, at all times, to pay the respect that the piece of cloth rightfully deserved, else I’d be shipped off to some other territory on Earth full of American flag-hating heathens, such as Iran or Medicine Hat, Alberta. Suffice to say, I’m not much of a flag enthusiast. I never really was.

One thing did stick with me, though. All the fucking etiquette rules. There are ten sections of the United States Flag Code, all laboriously outlining very strict protocol when handling, presenting, looking at, talking about, or being within 15,000 feet of a flag. I didn’t do much research on the flag codes of other countries, there may be possibly international flag codes with even more mundane and numerous guidelines, but I doubt it. The United States of America is a pretty fucked up country.

Allow me to go over each section of Flag Code so that I can mock them relentlessly. If my mother or father were to stumble upon this post, I would surely be excommunicated from the family for eternity with no chance of rekindling the millions of shattered fragments.

So let’s do this!

§1. Flag; stripes and stars on

Section 1 tells you exactly how many stripes are on the flag, how many stars are on the flag, the colors of the stars and the stripes, which way the stripes are oriented, the widths of the stripes, the size and spacing of the stars, and the permissible dimensions and proportions of the flag.

OK, I suppose all that is important. Otherwise the flag could look like anything! This rule can stay.

Section 1 prevents the American flag from looking like this! Sadly.

§2. Same; additional stars

Hold the phone, the Flag Code has an entire section devoted to “oh wait, what if we add more states?” Not only does that smack of poor planning, but it seems like something that could just be tacked on as an addendum to Section 1! Especially, especially, since Section 2 is only one sentence long! Shorter than this stupid paragraph! Unnecessary. Lose it.

§3. Use of flag for advertising purposes; mutilation of flag

Don’t go mutilating the flag now, son. Section 3 specifically prohibits disrespecting the flag via means of capitalistic gain or even just plain ol’ degrading the flag physically or emotionally! As in, don’t use the flag to sell your shit, and don’t be mean to the flag. You are not even allowed to verbally insult the flag or throw any shade with respect to its design or its color scheme.

Of course, Section 3 is a big block of text full of thorny verbiage to wade through such as, and I quote:

“…or to which shall be attached, appended, affixed, or annexed any word, figure, mark, picture, design, or drawing, or any advertisement of any nature; or who, within the District of Columbia, shall manufacture, sell, expose for sale, or to public view, or give away or have in possession for sale, or to be given away or for use for any purpose, any article or substance being an article of merchandise, or a receptacle for merchandise or article or thing for carrying or….“

And it just keeps going on and on! I had a stroke reading it. There’s a good chance I didn’t interpret it correct, but perhaps it’s the government’s fault not making the law easy enough for a dumbshit American like me to be able to decipher. Ignorance is always a defense!

§4. Pledge of allegiance to the flag; manner of delivery

Here’s a rich one. Not only do you have to say all the words of the interminable pledge that we all had to learn by heart and recite robotically in public school every morning, but you must say them while standing at attention with your right hand over your heart. Anyone wearing a hat must remove said hat and drape it over the left shoulder with the same hand that is being used to also clutch your titty, so good luck with that. Military personnel get special privileges and can render their corny military salute in lieu of titty-clutching. Anyone caught jerking off while reciting the pledge of allegiance will be rewarded with a Medal of Honor and a coupon to Outback Steakhouse.

Yeah right, buddy. Perhaps this kind of horribly offensive salute would fly in the likes of Tajikistan, but not here.

§5. Display and use of flag by civilians; codification of rules and customs; definition

You want to fly your own flag, hoss? Well, you can’t just do whatever you want with it. You can’t pour glitter on it, run it up a flagpole covered with Spongebob stickers, and shoot it with a gun a few times to break it in. You gotta follow all the rules! If you don’t follow all the rules, the Flag Brigade is going to be notified via transmission chips implanted in each flag by Vietnamese five-year-olds in decrepit sweatshops, wherein they will administer punitive measures in an ironic fashion. For instance, if you decide to put bullet holes through your flag, the Flag Brigade will declare that the flag can put bullet holes through you. It’s only fair.

If you follow all the rules with pitch perfect precision, then the United States law protects your freedom to fly an American flag on your property. No one can tell you not to. Not even your neighbor Brad, that fucking pinko commie.

§6. Time and occasions for display

Here we go! This is a nice and meaty section! I’ll have to break this one down, there’s just too much gold here:

You’ve got to be kidding me. Have you read ANY of my words? Off to jail with you.

–It is the universal custom to display the flag only from sunrise to sunset on buildings and on stationary flagstaffs in the open. However, when a patriotic effect is desired, the flag may be displayed 24 hours a day if properly illuminated during the hours of darkness.
Well, then! If it’s the universal custom, one that the entire universe is on the same page about, then who am I to argue? I also wasn’t aware that the American flag is frightened of the dark, but at least there’s a rule written in place to keep the flag from freaking out “when a patriotic effect is desired”! Be sure to grab a group of buddies in order to take turns shining a flashlight on the damn thing during the evenings. Work out a schedule if you must.

–The flag should be hoisted briskly and lowered ceremoniously.
Under no circumstances shall you hoist the flag ceremoniously, nor shall you lower the flag briskly. Doing so will alert the Flag Brigade, who will perform brisk hoists and ceremonious lowerings of your skidmarked underpants. Wedgie-style.

–The flag should not be displayed on days when the weather is inclement, except when an all weather flag is displayed.
Why not make every flag an all-weather flag? Perhaps I live in Seattle, where there is inclement weather roughly 440 days out of the year! Why did the local Wal-Mart even sell me a crepe paper American flag? Seems kind of rude.

–The flag should be displayed on all days, especially on New Year’s Day, January 1; Inauguration Day, January 20; Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday, third Monday in January; Lincoln’s Birthday, February 12; Washington’s Birthday, third Monday in February; National Vietnam War Veterans Day, March 29; Easter Sunday (variable); Mother’s Day, second Sunday in May; Armed Forces Day, third Saturday in May; Memorial Day (half-staff until noon), the last Monday in May; Flag Day, June 14; Father’s Day, third Sunday in June; Independence Day, July 4; National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day, July 27; Labor Day, first Monday in September; Constitution Day, September 17; Columbus Day, second Monday in October; Navy Day, October 27; Veterans Day, November 11; Thanksgiving Day, fourth Thursday in November; Christmas Day, December 25; and such other days as may be proclaimed by the President of the United States; the birthdays of States (date of admission); and on State holidays.
Hey, did you read all of that? Jesus Christ, someone should tell the government code writers that when you say “the flag should be displayed on all days”, you don’t have to name additional days! “All days” implies “ALL days”! Ugh! Grrr!

–The flag should be displayed daily on or near the main administration building of every public institution.
What if a public institution doesn’t have a main administration building? What if the institution is a campus of 200 smaller administration buildings? What if the institution is an ant farm?

–The flag should be displayed in or near every polling place on election days.
Why? Just in case the average dumbass citizen forgets which country he or she is voting in?

–The flag should be displayed during school days in or near every schoolhouse.
I need to hear more about the specifics regarding displaying something in the building. What constitutes a proper display inside? Does it meet requirements if it’s not visible to most people? What if the school hangs it in the boiler room?

My main takeaway from this is that if you live in Utqiaġvik, Alaska, where there is 66 straight days of polar night, flying the flag with proper illumination becomes a dangerous gamble! You better just say “fuck it” and move to another country at that point where you can fly a flag with less micromanagement.

You think we’re done? Hell no. There are still five more sections to go! And the next couple are a doozy. Stay tuned for Part 2, when I really dig into the anal retentiveness of USA’s flag worship! It’s been quite a ride already.