“The crew of the Enterprise is put on trial by a mysterious force called “Q” for all the crimes of mankind.“

Ohhhhh, that mischievous Q! A real boner for Picard, that guy has!

We fly through space during the opening credits with that “HEY, THINGS ARE OPTIMISTIC” music, signifying the altruistic motives of the USS Enterprise.

Picard is like 33 years old and he is the new captain on the ship. He is in awe of the ship’s size and complexity. It’s like a really hard jigsaw puzzle.

They are tasked with “solving the mysterious of Farpoint station”, but Picard thinks the mission is merely nothing more than “snooping around”. Data displays his inability to know human words like “snoop” while Deanna Troi, the empath, senses something amiss while something amiss happens! As usual! So the ship encounters a giant mesh fence in their way and instead of plowing right through it like I would’ve done, Picard decides to stop in front of it and look at it for a bit.

Q appears on the bridge dressed as a gay pirate and orders Picard to return to his own solar system forthwith! Picard bites his thumb at Q while Q parades around the bridge like he owns the fucking place. He even goes as far as killing a redshirt with frosty breath, the show’s very first fatality before the seven-minute mark! “Now go back,” Q threatens, “or else you most will certainly die.”

Lose the attitude or you’re walking the plank, Picard.

Now that we’ve established that Q is a big scary man, Picard stands before him puzzled and a little bit horny. Q accuses humans of being a “savage child race”, but Picard insists that humans haven’t been savage since, like, 1987! And definitely not children! Lieutenant Yar, who will die in about nine episodes, requests permission to take out the trash! And once she’s done with that, she’ll kick Q off the bridge. Picard holds his hand up and waves her off all “no no no, let’s see where this goes.” Maybe more redshirts will get killed before lunchtime.

Q disappears momentarily and Picard asks his crew for advice. The advice ranges from “kick Q’s ass” to “Q will probably kick our asses”. It is determined that they should do an about face and try to warp speed with their tail between their legs to outrun the whatever the hell is trying to stop them. Picard asks Troi what kind of lifeform they just encounterd, and Troi says “I ‘unno lol”.

Some big ball of fire chases the ship down, and it’s going faster than they are able to outrun. Picard assigns Worf with the task of taking command of the main bridge while he takes a small team to the BATTLE BRIDGE. The intention is to break off the saucer section so they can send civilians into a black hole or something. They try to shoot torpedoes behind them to blow up the ball of fire, but that’s dumb and doesn’t work for shit.

Shooting torpedoes at a fire didn’t work? Hmm… we’ll need to go to drastic measures. Let’s try jettisoning non-essential personnel into the flames and see if that makes a dent.

The saucer section detaches while the bombastic theme music plays, and I’m fucking PUMPED. I’M HERE FOR IT. Data looks like he’s about to unload all over his own android penis. What this will actually accomplish is unclear, but I trust that Picard knows what he’s doing. *snicker*

While the saucer flies off into outer space never to be retrieved again, Picard and his team in the BATTLE BRIDGE will wait and see if they get ambushed by Q shenanigans again. He then decides to send a message in all languages and frequencies that they surrender to the ball of fire. A mesh fence surrounds their ship, a blinding flash of light engulfs the crew, and they find themselves in an ugly alien courtroom surrounded by laughing, rabblerousing, hootin’ and hollerin’ commoners and men wearing flamboyant outfits. “THE PRISONERS WILL ALL STAND!” declares a flamboyant man. Data recognizes the setting as a mid-21st century setting. Barbaric in how motions are carried out! Uncouth!

Q appears dressed as a “judge”, and by that I mean he looks like a nun or something with a red robe and a stupid hat. Time to answer for humanities crimes, critical personnel of the USS Enterprise. We’ve got Picard, Data, Yar, and Troi. Yar immediately tries to kick a guard’s ass, and she does. And the crowd goes wild! Action and excitement abound. Picard asks if this will be a fair trial, and Q goes “yeah, maybe, I haven’t decided yet.”

If it pleases the court, your honor, I request a brief recess as I have veritably pooped my pants.

Data stands up and informs the court that the United Nations had declared it illegal in 2036 for a species to have to answer for the crimes of its predecessors. Q tells him this is a court of 2079, bitch, and that shit was repealed. So cork it and let’s continue.

Yar stands up and calls this whole affair a kangaroo court! Q freezes her to death, presumably. Troi cries and calls Q a barbarian. Q yawns as a response.

“You promised the prisoners will not be harmed!” Picard snaps. Q smiles like an asshole and then eventually decides “fine” and thaws Yar out much to the crowd’s utter distaste. There are even a couple of thumbs-downs! Q calls for silence and the proceedings… well, proceed.

“Present the charges!” Q bellows.
“Criminal, you will read the charges to the court,” announces the bailiff.
Picard stares it the sheet for about seven seconds and probably sees a shopping list. “I see no charges here,” he decides bravely. The crowd gasps and freaks out.

Guns are now pointed at Data’s and Troi’s head, and Q orders the guards to fire if Picard pleads anything but “Guilty”. With a smirk, Picard pleads “Guilty… provisionally.” Q respects this and allows Picard to continue talking his nonsense. He looks like he’s about to cry and admits that humans have had a history of being savage, so test them as representatives of humanity! They’ve got a mission at Farpoint that they need to go to! Watch them be nice and good and that will be undeniable proof that humans are top drawer! Q accepts this deal and allows them to all go… for now… muahahaha.

I’ve never felt this way about another man before.

Q returns the crew to the Enterprise, where they all look quite dazed and confused. They are still heading to Farpoint Station, and Picard gets a little titillated.

Meanwhile, William Riker has been assigned as First Officer of the USS Enterprise and waits at Farpoint to get picked up by the ship. The beardless Riker meets a guy named Zorn who doesn’t make avant-garde punk jazz records and radical experiment klezmer quartets. He’s the host of Farpoint and he seems kind of loony toons, but we’ll see more of that later!

Riker meets up with Dr. Beverly Crusher and her little disappointment of a son Wesley. Wesley says oh gee sir I’m having fun here. Beverly is cold toward the future First Officer, but Riker tells her that being assigned to the Enterprise will be fun! Wesley is excited!

Hello there, shopkeep. Do you have any Preparation H?

Next, Riker speaks with red-shirted Georgi La Forge, who salutes stiffly and says boring stuff. Reading Rainbow my ass.

Riker beams up to the Enterprise and is greeted by Yar, who informs the new First Officer that Picard will strip him down and examine every inch of his body before submitting his approval. On the BATTLE BRIDGE, Picard welcomes Riker aboard and promises to catch him up on the goings-on with Q and the whole having to prove that humanity doesn’t suck anymore aspect of their mission. Riker watches a video of clips that we, the viewing audience, have seen already earlier in the episode as if it were a reality show with a camera crew on the bridge. Riker is probably thinking something along the lines of “holy shit, what did I get my sexy ass into here?”

The saucer section is returning to the rest of the ship, and Picard commands Riker to help manually dock it. Riker is nervous. Picard tells him to fucking get going and do it right or pay the ultimate price of being jettisoned out into the cold, unforgiving vacuum of space! And also no TV before bedtime.

After a very “tense” scene where both Data and O’Brien look at each other like “this fucking guy is going to screw this up completely”, Riker is successful! Whew, that was certainly a close one! He establishes trust from the crew immediately instead of drawing it out for two seasons like a real TV show would do.

Picard enjoys an Earl Grey tea in the meeting room while grilling Riker about his past stations. Riker did a boo-boo during his previous assignment but justifies it by insisting that he was looking out for his captain (kissass alert). Picard welcomes Riker aboard, he’s going to fit in just fine. There are plenty of ladies on the ship to fuck, by the way. I’m sure you’ll waste absolutely no time at all with that.

We learn about Geordi’s blindness while Dr. Crusher examines his visor. LeVar Burton is wearing these creepy sky blue contact lenses and I don’t even want to look at him anymore.

AHHH! PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY! SET IT ON FIRE!

Riker arrives on the main bridge and soaks in the sterile, empty environment. Michael Worf Dorn gives his salutations. Nothing interesting happens in these scenes.

Data speaks to a 137-year-old formal admiral about androids and Vulcans. The admiral advises Data to treat the Enterprise like a lady. Data looks confused. And that’s the end of Part 1! Thanks for playing.

Next Time on Star Trek: The Next Generation

Season 1, Episode 2 — “Encounter at Farpoint (Part 2)”
More like “Encounter at FARTpoint”! Ha ha ha! I’ll see myself out, nerds.