“The crew of the Enterprise is put on trial by a mysterious force called “Q” for all the crimes of mankind.“

Part 2, motherbitches! Let’s get this show on the road!

Q shows up on the main screen with a wry raise of the eyebrow. Farpoint is the ultimate test, and Captain Picard has 24 hours to prove his bullshit or he will be sentenced to 415 years in the salt mines. Picard is not rattled, because he’s going to conduct himself the way he would anyway if Q weren’t around anyway: by visiting every brothel this side of the Farpoint Mississippi.

This channel sucks. Can you get ESPN on this thing?

Riker catches the first glimpse of Deanna Troi while on the bridge and Riker has an “uh oh” face. She uses her telepathy to say “don’t fuck things up this time” and also “our love will prevail again someday” and also “I feel bloated”.

Picard, Riker, and Troi visit Zorn to profess their interest in building facilities, and Zorn is pretty good at building things and also engineering things and maybe he won’t do it! Sweeten the deal a little bit and maybe he’ll lend his services. Meanwhile, Troi has one of her weird empath conniption fits that don’t happen anymore after this episode: she feels severe loneliness and sadness, and Zorn gets defensive and starts yelling. Picard is offended! They storm out of there in disgust!

Riker is wandering around the ship aimlessly and decides he wants to meet Lieutenant Commander Data, local sex robot. He finds Data on a holodeck in a program that looks like the lavish ecosystem of trees, streams, and chirping birds. “Getting away from it all”, as it were, just as those humans do. The ones he loves so dang much. Riker catches him whistling in a tree like a Disney character from 1940.

Wow, it’s beautiful… do you know what’s even more interesting? That Fisting Sluts 4 program that Riker installed earlier.

Riker is troubled that a lieutenant commander is an android. Data calls him a bigot. Riker calls Data “Pinocchio”, not referring to his long dick-like nose, but rather his hopelessly tenacious efforts to become a real boy!

Riker and Data catch Wesley hanging out in the holodeck and witness the little pants-pisser fall into the river. Instead of letting him drown, which would have been absolutely hilarious, Data saves him by pulling him out of the water with one strong-ass arm. Too bad. It would have been funny to see Dr. Crusher look barely sad about her dead son.

Wesley wants to visit the bridge, but Dr. Crusher says that it’s illegal and punishable by getting forced out of an airlock. Then Dr. Crusher says that she promises to see what they can do about it. Wesley is quite happy. He pisses his pants with glee.

The whole bridge team beams down to Farpoint. Yar and Troi are tasked with creeping around a weird, empty, dark corridor. They find something interesting: a bunch of shit that Geordi can’t identify or recognize with his special visor. Troi feels so much terrible pain and despair that they have to stop what they’re doing to make her feel better. You know, instead of just leaving her there. Riker is unnerved about the place now, and reports to Picard that something is rotten in the state of Farpoint.

Wesley visits the bridge and Picard just about throws a stapler at him. “Children are not allowed on the bridge,” he spits before Dr. Crusher steps out from behind her son. Picard is speechless because these two have boning history, and subsequently lets Wesley wander around the bridge. “BUT DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING,” he spits again. Everyone on the bridge stares at the kid while he wanders around mouth agape like he’s on fucking drugs. Picard lets him sit at the control center and tries mansplain everything to him, but Wesley is, of course, an annoying child prodigy and a big know-it-all about everything. Picard has had enough of him within 14 seconds and he kicks the Crushers off the bridge forthwith. Fuck ’em.

And if you direct your attention over there, young Wesley, it’s the bridge’s Sno-Cone machine. Not for kids.

Something is detected in the perimeter! An unknown ship! Raise the shields, ready the phasers! Open a hailing frequency: “Eat my entire ass!”

Picard calls up Zorn and tells him about the unidentified vessel, and Zorn says there are no scheduled ships to arrive to the orbit. Zorn had mentioned before about getting the Ferengi involved in their dealings and now they have shown up in their massive ship to crash the party.

Troi is still having empath heartburn. Data announces that something down in the corridor is shielding their communicators. Riker doesn’t like this fishiness and they try to return to the main Farpoint hub.

Worf announces that their scanners are useless against the big ol’ Ferengi UFO. The vessel starts blasting the planet below, which scares the piss out of Riker and crew. Riker and Data investigate while Yar, Troi and Geordi beam back up. Zorn is desperate for the Enterprise’s help before Farpoint gets blown to smithereens.

Mayday! Mayday! I need a haircut! Someone get me a haircut!

“Would you object to your captain ordering a very illegal kidnapping?” says Picard to Riker.
“No objection, sir,” responds Riker. So they fucking kidnap Zorn and bring him aboard the ship. Zorn knows something and they demand answers! Q is going to be very upset and– oh, he just showed up to chastise these mooks.

“Get off my bridge!” yells Picard. Q tells him to go fornicate himself.

Force fields full on, they shift into Impulse Power 2 and do nothing in particular. Riker and Data are caught up in the missile fire that keeps raining down on the city. Zorn is crying under a table. Riker and Data confront him and say, basically, that if he doesn’t fess up they’ll leave him there to die. Suddenly, Zorn gets caught up in what looks like a Ferengi transported beam and Riker goes “oh shit” and the two of them beam back aboard. Q is reveling in the stupidity.

Riker requests to beam over to the other ship. He gets in Q’s face and tells him, savagely, that humans are no longer a savage race. Q is still not convinced.

Four to beam down to the Sno-Cone planet to replenish our supply.

Picard visits the sexy, swaggering Dr. Crusher and apologizes for tossing the kid off the bridge by the scruff. He admits to her that he was impressed by Wesley’s knowledge and then approves her assignment transfer to the Enterprise, but she makes it clear to Picard that she’s not doing it for the reasons he thinks she’s doing it. It’s probably because her husband kicked the bucket and she needs a distraction, and her lousy son isn’t good enough.

Riker and crew return to the creepy Farpoint subsurface corridor where Troi feels the hatred and despair again. They creep along the tunnel and discover Zorn yelling like a tortured moose. They find him suspended in a weird purple light, screaming like an awfully poor actor. Zorn’s like “I don’t know why I’m here!” but Troi calls bullshit. They set their phasers to “get the poor sap out of there” and they zap the purple light, disabling it.

Q shows up dressed like Picard, four buttons on his lapel and all, and assumes his position in the captain’s chair. Riker’s team beams Zorn up to the bridge. Q goads Picard to blow up the big scary vessel, but Zorn and Troi are like “NO!”

Riker asks why the vessel was torturing Zorn, but he keeps insisting that he has no goddamn idea. The viewer shows the vessel slowly flipping over and turning into a space jellyfish! Picard accuses Zorn of capturing a similar creature back on Farpoint. The feelings that Troi was experiencing were love and hatred and all sorts of mixed emotions because these two jellyfish lovers were separated. How touching!

The Enterprise beams the trapped space jellyfish off the planet. It turns out that the jellyfish is Farpoint station! “Lucky guess,” grumbles Q.

“Please believe me, we meant no harm to the creature!” lies Zorn. No one on the bridge is having it.

The space jellyfish all but fuck in front of the ship. Then they slither off into the abyss of space.

The closest thing to a sex scene you’ll find in The Next Generation.

“Sir, it’s wonderful!” says Troi. lol. Everyone farts as a response, even Q.

Picard turns to Q and asks why he uses other lifeforms for his recreation. Q is coy, even after Picard tells him to get his ass off his ship. “I cannot promise I will not appear again,” says Q slyly before disappearing. He’s right, you know. Q episodes are some of the best.

Everyone on the bridge stares at each other with trepidation. Picard looks placidly triumphant. The audience golf claps with respect.

Next Time on Star Trek: The Next Generation

Season 1, Episode 3 — “The Naked Now”
Riker creates a 1TB holodeck program where celebrities from 1973 strip in front of him.