Tagline:
Peace. Harmony. Comfort and Joy… Maybe Next Year.

Wide Release Date:
November 18, 1983

Directed by:
Bob Clark
Screenplay by:
Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, Bob Clark
Produced by:
René Dupont, Bob Clark

Starring:
Peter Billingsley
Ian Petrella
Melinda Dillon
Darren McGavin

PREGAME THOUGHTS

This is the best Christmas movie of all time. Don’t give me your It’s a Wonderful Life or your Mircale on 34th Street. Don’t give me your Bad Santa or your Elf. And go fuck yourself with your National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

It’s A Christmas Story and you know it. Ho ho ho.

THE 200(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

The plot is loosey-goosey, to use a technical term! Set it 1940, the movie tells the tale of young Ralphie Parker (Peter Billingsley) and his one Christmas wish: to receive an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle. Throughout the movie, Ralphie is told by his mother, his teacher, and a department store Santa Claus that he’ll shoot his eye out if he gets such a BB gun. This is the main narrative, but there are many other little plot points woven in such as Ralphie’s encounters with the school bully, a Little Orphan Annie radio show secret decoder ring, Dad winning a leg lamp in a contest, Ralphie uttering the word “fuck” in front of Dad, and Christmas dinner ruined by dogs.

Spoiler alert: Ralphie gets the gun for Christmas and he breaks his glasses after the first shot he takes ricochets off a metal pole (“Oh my God, I shot my eye out!”). In the end, he lies about his injury and gets to keep the gun. He sleeps with it in his hands at the end of the movie.

You’re getting a BB right in the nuts, Dad.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — My Christmas Wish

I’ve never wanted a BB gun in my life. My dad already owned one for shooting squirrels in the backyard, but I never used it! No, no, no.

I was 14 years old when I wanted something more than I ever wanted something in my life, and that was a Nintendo 64. It was 2001, the GameCube had been out for about a month, but I didn’t want a fuckin’ GameCube. I wanted a Nintendo 64! And I spent a lot of that Christmastime fretting about what I would do if I didn’t get one. I would’ve lost my shit. Keep playing my GameBoy Color? Where am I, a third-world country?

Unlike Mom, I wanted an N64 for Christmas and not a bar of delicious red soap.

Most of December was spent imagining all the games I would be playing. Super Smash Bros.! Super Mario 64! Paper Mario! Ocarina of Time! Majora’s Mask! Diddy Kong Racing! Pokémon Snap, man, Pokémon Snap. I wanted to play Pokémon Snap. I could FEEL the stupidly shaped controller in my hands with the really cheap joystick. The wait was interminable.

Yes, friends, this story has a happy ending! I received the coveted game console along with copies of Super Smash Bros. and Super Mario 64 and played the shit out of them. Eventually I would purchase all the games I’d had my eyes on, believe you me. I also bought Gex: Enter the Gecko starring comedian funnyman Dana Gould! I am not chagrined at all to admit that.

TOPIC 2 — 24 Hours of A Christmas Story

It seems that TNT and/or TBS have been doing this on a yearly basis since 1996, which means there hasn’t been a single Christmas since I first watched the movie that A Christmas Story wasn’t running back-to-back between 8pm December 24th and 8pm December 25th.

That’s too much fucking Christmas Story. Nobody’s happy about it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’d spend every Christmas Day checking in on this movie. As far as holiday traditions go, I can’t think of anything more comforting than the guaranteed existence of A Christmas Story on TV while I fuck around with whatever toys, games, or books I got that day. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve only seen this in its entirety once in video format. Everything else I’ve pieced together over the last 26 years through random viewings during the 24-hour marathon! And it’s a perfect movie to watch in this format. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

For the scene in which Flick’s tongue sticks to the flagpole, a hidden suction tube was used to safely create the illusion that his tongue had frozen to the metal.
Well, this pretty much ruined everything for me. I really wanted the kid playing Flick, who went on to play Dr. Von Hasachub in New Wave Hookers 5 and Agent Big Knob in Booby Trap, to have an authentic tongue-frozen-to-metal-pole experience! Ironic that, years later, women would have an authentic tongue-to-pole experience with Flick on-screen.

Stop licking the pole, Flick. It’s the other way around! The other way around, damnit!

Darren McGavin ad-libbed the profane rants while fighting with the furnace. He said he speaks gibberish the entire time because it was almost impossible for him to ad-lib angry words without actual profanity. He did this in order to ensure a “PG” rating.
How many takes did they have to do before McGavin decided it was best to sound like Yosemite Sam? I imagine Joe Pesci had to do the same thing in Home Alone

According to Peter Billingsley (young Ralphie) in the DVD commentary, the nonsensical ramblings that Ralphie exclaims while beating up Scut Farkas were scripted, word for word.
While McGavin had to improvise his gibberish, Billingsly had to memorize scripted gibberish! It’s only fair that kids need to work harder for Mom and Dad’s paycheck in Hollywood.

Don’t be a Scut Farkas, kids. He looks like he smells bad.

The family eats meatloaf, red cabbage, and mashed potatoes for dinner every night. The only time they didn’t eat it was Christmas Day, when they went to Bo Ling’s.
Ahh, I remember my ’40s childhood, living like Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory while my four rapidly aging grandparents shared one bed. My dad would bring home 30 cents per day from the salt mines and the only time I didn’t eat red cabbage was when I went to Bo Ling’s. This movie is very relatable.

Yo, I’m 35 years old and I still eat this way.

Peter Billingsley, at the age of 12, was given real Chewing Tobacco (Big Chief) by the prop manager for his scene when Ralphie is dreaming of being a Sheriff confronting Black Bart. Afterwards he got sick for an hour on the set. They thought it was a better idea to give him raisins to chew and make brown spit instead of real chewing tobacco.
“Here kid, we’re going to give you a handgun to play with too instead of that pussy BB shit.”

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Fuck yes. Fuck yes 1000 times. Do it the correct way and pop in every 40 minutes on TBS throughout Christmas Day. I suggest doing this even if you’re Jewish, Muslim, or even a loathsome, rotten atheist. Make it part of your new tradition. Do it or pay the price. I know where you live.