Tagline:
This piece of shit doesn’t have a tagline.

Wide Release Date:
January 15, 2021

Directed by:
Svetlana Cvetko
Written by:
Chris Sivertson
Produced by:
Jeremy Benadon, Rick Benattar, Michael Meilander, Michael Moran, Fernando Szew

Starring:
Hayley McLaughlin
Danika Yarosh
Dylan Walsh
Teri Polo
Bryce Durfee
Matt Passmore
Heather Mazur
Ashlyn Pearce

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I went into this movie dead-ass blind. I knew nothing about it, there is nobody recognizable to me in it, I barely even read the synopsis. I played roulette with the Netflix list for “thriller” and started watching whatever it landed on.

At least I learned a lesson.

THE 550(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Ana (Hayley McLaughlin) is a Scottish exchange student going to college in “the city”. While studying in a bar, she gets spotted and hit on by Kevin (Bryce Durfee). After turning him away, Kevin’s friend Monica (Danika Yarosh) spots her too. Ana gets spooked from someone following her shortly after he leaves the bar, and Monica catches up with her to escort her home. They become fast friends. Monica makes a point to tell Ana fifteen times that she looks just like her dead sister Camilla.

I don’t know if you know this, but you’re the spitting image of my dead sister Camilla.

After spending some time hanging out and brushing each other’s hair and playing chess and picking/eating bugs off of each other, Ana gets a very disconcerting envelope at her residence with a letter that says she’s being watched. Frightened, she confides in Monica about the threatening letter. Monica suggests staying at her apartment, which Ana agrees to after some arm twisting. Shortly after moving into Monica’s apartment, Ana gets another letter that says “I’M ALWAYS WATCHING”. After further arm twisting, Ana takes up on Monica’s offer to leave for spring break early and spend time in her rural hometown. Off they go.

Ana meets Monica’s parents and they appear to be, by all observations, decent family-oriented people. They don’t have computers or the Internet and they read and knit and bake cookies and grill burgers. Everyone in the small town knows each other. It’s sickening.

Monica’s parents are Peter (Dylan Walsh) and Olivia (Teri Polo). They make a point to tell Ana fifteen times that she looks like their dead daughter Camilla. For obvious reasons, they welcome Ana with open arms and allow her to stay in Camilla’s old bedroom, which has been untouched since her death. Everything seems cool at first — Ana relaxes, no weird stalker shit happens, she meets some townsfolk and they’re friendly. During a stroll, though, Ana does run into a woman named Zelda (Heather Mazur), who threatens her with a gun and tells her to get the FUCK off of her property. Monica explains that Zelda’s daughter was in the car that killed Camilla. Zelda blames Monica’s family for her daughter’s death.

I don’t know if you know this, but you’re the spitting image of my dead daughter Camilla.

Not much happens for a while. Monica’s family stares at Ana in a creepy manner from time to time. Peter and Olivia are obsessed with Ana, calling her a “good girl” every chance they get. We all know where the movie is going with all this, as if they needed to hit you over the head with a brick that has “DEADLY SWITCH” written on it. Ana slowly — too slowly, if you ask me — gets unnerved and tries to confide in Monica. When that doesn’t work, she tries to confide in Kevin. Eventually, nothing works. Aided by a few key members of the townsfolk, including Peter’s cop buddy Sheriff Eden (Matt Passmore), Ana successfully gets officially kidnapped and locked in Camilla’s bedroom. The windows get boarded up, Ana gets drugged, it’s very realistic.

I don’t know what the long-term plan was here, but within maybe eight hours Ana escapes. It almost proves to be fruitless, but Zelda appears to point her gun at her fellow townsfolk and gives Ana a chance to escape the town with Peter’s car.

Now here’s the kicker: Camilla is still alive. Ana meets her at Monica’s and her apartment. She looks nothing like Ana. Ana decides to stay in America, so she gives Camilla her passport and urges her to start her new life in Scotland.

Everyone lives stupidly ever after.

I don’t know if you know this, but you’re the spitting image of my dead daughter Camilla.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Awkward Acting. Awful, Nonsensical, and Predictable Storyline with a Shitty Twist

I spent the entire movie defaulted in cringe mode. Ana and Monica become impossibly fast friends who spend most of their interactions vaguely giggling and smiling like barely-acquaintances trying to get out of small talk at a party. Every mention of Ana’s stalker was met with a reaction equivalent to “heh heh omg that is absolutely cuckoo nutso, queen”. Lots of hazy, shrugged off “I think someone is trying to kill me” energy from Ana. Lots of twisty-mouth, unconvincing concern on Monica’s part. I would excuse the latter as the actual character’s bad acting instead of the actor’s bad acting, but I don’t think Danika Yarosh is a good enough actor to channel a sociopathic character doing bad acting! Otherwise, good job. But no.

Don’t get me started on Bryce Durfee’s portrayal as Kevin. Holy fucking shit, dude. Whose dick did he have to suck to get a career in Hollywood? I hated every moment with every fiber of my being every time he was on screen. I lost my fucking shit when Ana told him about the stalker and he said “I’m sorry, that’s total bull!” like she just told him her father took away her TV privileges on a Thursday night. I’m throwing a tantrum right now.

The acting from Monica’s parents was ok, though. Creepy small town overprotective stuff. Olivia’s weird, vacant stares and smiles. Peter’s no-nonsense, angry dad sensibilities. It didn’t make any scene with them in it any less awkward, though. My god, I couldn’t stand it.

I don’t know if you know this, but you’re the spitting image of my friend’s dead sister Camilla.

And a whole town colluding with one another to pull off this kidnapping heist? What did everyone expect, that this woman would just go along with it after a while? That they’d be ok with a miserable wreck replacing their daughter? How about the end, where the real Camilla was there in Ana/Monica’s apartment waiting until Monica was knocked unconscious?

I’m so mad it makes me want to poop.

TOPIC 2 — Putting Myself in Ana’s Shoes

For shits and giggles, I tried to imagine this scenario from Ana’s point of view. If somebody I just met told me that I looked almost identical to their dead brother, I’d be unnerved immediately. I’d try to make small talk and move on with my life without further interaction. I mean, I’d do that anyway, but doubly so.

But, let’s say I had even one extroverted bone in my body and decided to run through this whole movie, up to the point where I’m staying at this new friends’ house where he/she grew up in. They let me sleep in the dead brother’s bed while I look at pictures of the identical dead brother. I’d lose my shit. I’d want out of there.

But, let’s say I stayed like an idiot until I got past the point of no return. This family desperately wants their dead loved one back to the point of barricading me in his room and repeatedly trying to sedate me. Fuck no. I’d be loudly singing lyrics to the shitty music I love. I’d be pooping all over that room. They WOULD NOT want me around, I can tell you that much.

In short, Ana has got to be the stupidest main character I’ve seen in a long time, and I’ve seen Ernest Goes to Jail.

Have I mentioned yet that you’re the spitting image of my dead sister Camilla?

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Apparently, this movie is so bad that nobody had enough curiosity to be bothered to add trivia to the IMDb page. OR, production of the movie was so goddamned dull that no trivia literally exists.

So I’ll make up my own trivia!

Danika Yarosh spent 16 weeks trying to lose her Botswanan accent for the role of Monica, a small-town Californian woman
Golly, that is a fun fact! I wonder what a Botswanan accent sounds like! I sure wish they kept it in the movie!

Filming was completed 25 minutes before Chris Sivertson finished writing the screenplay.
Interesting! It’s a real chicken or the egg situation here. Did the camera crew just say “fuck it” and start packing up their cameras while Sivertson was writing things down frantically? Did the camera crew start winging the ending and Sivertson liked what he saw and just wrote it into the screenplay? THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS TO ASK.

Dylan Walsh turned down the role of “Triple Blowjob Guy” in 500 Triple Blowjobs of Summer to take the role as Boring Dad in Deadly Switch
Now, see, this guy knows how to pick ’em. Kudos, Dylan Walsh. A king among men.

Hi, I’m Camilla. I don’t look like you.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

They couldn’t even just get Hayley McLaughlin to play the part of Camilla? Was the budget of a thimble full of corn oil too small to do some fancy twinsie special effects? Why did this movie get made? So no, absolutely not. Don’t watch this. Thank you for your cooperation.