Iron Man 2 (2010)

Tagline:
It’s not the armor that makes the hero, but the man inside.

Wide Release Date:
May 7, 2010

Directed by:
Jon Favreau
Screenplay by:
Justin Theroux
Produced by:
Kevin Feige

Starring:
Robert Downey Jr.
Gwyneth Paltrow
Don Cheadle
Scarlett Johansson
Sam Rockwell
Mickey Rourke
Samuel L. Jackson

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I’m going through the movies of the Marvel Cinematic Universe in release order! Next up is Iron Man 2, which I saw once and got mad that Robert Downey Jr. discovered a new element by shooting a laser at a triangle.

That’s the only pregame thought I have, really. I’m looking forward to seeing Sam Rockwell again. I like that guy!

THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Remember when Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) was giving a press conference at the end of the first Iron Man? Well, there’s this guy from Russia named Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) who is watching the press conference while his dad (a former Stark Industries employee) dies. He starts working on building Iron Man’s reactor core chest thing. He’ll probably succeed and then be the villain!

Six months after revealing his identity, Tony Stark is the toast of the town! Even more of a celebrity than he used to be! Too bad the palladium core of his reactor is slowly poisoning him! He’s going to have to figure that one out later. Right now, Stark keeps getting pressured to turn over his Iron Man suits to the government, but he continually resists.

As he slowly dies without telling anybody about it, Stark decides to make Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) the CEO of Stark Industries. He fills the personal assistant position with a woman who calls herself “Natalie Rushman” (Scarlett Johansson), but since you’ve seen the next 780 MCU movies you know who she really is.

For some reason that is not readily apparent to me or the bulk of the movie’s audience, Tony Stark goes to Monaco and competes in its Grand Prix race. During the race, Ivan Vanko (as Mr. Whiplash himself) strolls onto the track and starts attacking cars with his electric whips powered by his brand-spankin’-new reactor. Stark becomes Iron Man to save the day. The suit gets heavily damaged during the battle.

I just want a hug! Gimme a hug!

Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell), Tony Stark’s business rival, finds Vanko’s performance intriguing and busts him out of prison to hire him on as an Iron-Man-suit-building kinda guy. Vanko builds drones and shit instead, pissing Hammer off, which is funny.

Tony Stark gets super drunk at his own in-home birthday party, which involves blasting a lot of shit inside the room with his suit to entertain the party-goers. Rhodes (Don Cheadle this time) says “fuck this” and puts on one of Stark’s other suits in order to stop him. The party breaks up as they fight in the house, destroying walls and glass and furniture. Nobody wins! But Rhodes, being an Air Force tough military man extraordinaire, takes the suit to THE GOVERNMENT (booo).

Nick Fury decides to show up to tell Tony Stark that a) his father was the founder of S.H.I.E.L.D., and b) Natalie Rushman is actually Natasha Romanoff and she can really kick his ass if he gives her any lip. Oh yeah, also c) Howard Stark and Vanko’s father created the arc reactor, Vanko’s father tried to sell it, Howard said “NO” and had Vanko’s father deported, then Vanko’s father was sent to the Gulag lol lol lol. So that’s why Mickey Rourke is out for blood today. Fury provides Stark with some of Howard Stark’s old materials, including tape-recorded videos, with which he discovers a prototype of a brand new atomic element! Just the cure Tony Stark needs for his butt poisoning or whatever it is. He spends some time working on it in his lab and is successful.

You wanna know how I lost my eye? Here’s how: shut up!

Not dying anymore, and with pep in his step, Stark attends Hammer’s expo where Vanko’s drones are unveiled as “The War Machine” (with Rhodes heading the army). Stark tries to warn Rhodes, but it’s too late: Vanko remotely controls the drones — and Rhodes — to attack Stark. Fighting ensues.

Stark and Rhodes defeat Vanko, who commits suicide by blowing up his suit (and the rest of the drones). Hammer is arrested for busting Vanko out of the slammer. Fury tells Stark that he’ll be using him as a consultant for S.H.I.E.L.D. And finally, Garry Shandling begrudgingly awards Stark and Rhodes with medals of honor. Everyone lives happily ever after except the people who died, and also maybe Justin Hammer.

Come on, boys, let’s celebrate with an episode of The Larry Sanders Show.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

Iron Man 2 gets a bad rap, but I enjoyed it. I may even like it more than the first one, but that would go against my whole ideology that the only movie that’s better than the sequel is Ace Ventura: Pet Detective! I might have to credit Sam Rockwell for giving this particular sequel the edge. Man, I like Sam Rockwell.

But to be one of the worst movies in the MCU franchise? Maybe I just haven’t seen enough MCU movies yet, but what’s wrong with Iron Man 2? Tony Stark naturally becomes more humorously egotistical, Rhodes has his day in the sun, SAM FUCKING ROCKWELL, the race scene in Monaco. Having Nick Fury and Black Widow enter the mix was fun, although the latter didn’t really have much to do at all and the former should really get about three hours more screen time than he did. I used to hate the part about blasting a triangle with a laser creating a new element, but I find it funny now because I’m not a dumbass college kid with stupid opinions. Now I’m a dumbass thirtysomething with stupid opinions! The whole subplot about Tony Stark dying completely undercut his egotistical gallivanting, which is why I didn’t have a problem with it. Otherwise, I’d fucking hate Tony Stark and his arrogant piece-of-shit goatee. Now he has a vulnerability so secret that he’s not even comfortable telling Pepper Potts, which is not only humanizing but empathetic. We, the audience, don’t want Tony Stark to die, do we? Nien!

Paltrow was under-utilized, as was Johansson, making this movie a real sausage fest.

I guess I do have a couple of beefs, but they’re minor beefs. As with most action movies, I will completely glaze over in the third act. I don’t care how exciting the sequence is supposed to be, my eyes will roll in the back of my head in a less-than-ecstatic trance. Especially since Whiplash doesn’t really feel like the giant threat he’s made out to be. Oh no, the big scary plastic surgery faced Mickey Rourke is mean and out for blood. OoOOoOOOOooh, I’m shaking in my $4,500 snakeskin thong underwear. So Tony Stark stole the Iron Man plans from your father, big fucking deal. Cry about it.

Also, that scene with the house party? Completely intolerable. Also, the fight between Stark and Rhodes where Stark’s house was getting all busted up? Made me fucking nervous, man. All that expensive furniture and glass. Stark may be made of time and money, but… oh. Yeah. Never mind, I guess.

This movie as too many Iron Men. Let’s get rid of two then wedge in Spider-Man instead.

TOPIC 2 — The Iron Man suit

That shit looks complicated. Samus Aran’s suit isn’t even this complicated and she has to run around planets with poison atmospheres and lava monsters.

I’m not the dumbest guy on Earth — there are at least two other people under me — but I’m trying to imagine using this Rubik’s cube of a suit and there’s no way I wouldn’t die within 45 seconds. I’d accidentally toggle the wrong switch and launch myself into the sun before you could even finish reading this sentence. Yes, I know that the sun is eight light minutes away, but it’s a very powerful suit!

Let’s say I didn’t kill myself at all. On the contrary, perhaps I’m a whiz with the suit. Would I fight crime? Hell no! I’d sneak into women’s locker rooms! Oh wait, that’s for invisibility. That wouldn’t work very well in an Iron Man suit, unless the ladies really loved me. And they probably wouldn’t.

What I’d really do is fly to work and back. My commute is starting to get annoyingly long and I’d rather zip back and forth in three minutes instead of sitting on a train watching homeless people touch themselves. Of course, I’d accidentally toggle the wrong switch and explode my house with a missile containing 450 tons of TNT. Then I’d have to live in my suit, but the rest of my family won’t be able to fit.

What the fuck am I even talking about anymore? Let’s just move on.

I’ve introduced a new feature in the suit where you can poop in the suit and, sometimes, the poop gets recycled into suit fuel. Only sometimes. Well, almost never, actually.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

A lot of Whiplash’s identifying features were suggested by Mickey Rourke. He wanted to perform half of his role in Russian, and consulted on the character’s tattoos and gold teeth, as well as having a pet cockatoo. In fact, Rourke paid for the bird and the gold teeth out of his own pocket.
“Hey Mickey, chip in a little for craft services and the Best Boy’s salary. Jon Favreau needs a new nutritionist. Paltrow broke a high heel. Thanks for everything, buddy. You’re fired.”

Robert Downey Jr. gained twenty pounds of muscle to reprise his role of Tony Stark.
“Hey Bob Downey, you twiggy little wuss. You looked like a cancer patient in Iron Man One. Put some meat on those bones. Thanks for everything, buddy. You’re out of here.”

Hammer’s factory is really Elon Musk’s SpaceX facility in Hawthorne, California. The people walking in the background are actual employees, even though filming took place at night.
Fucking yuck, man. Elon Musk? Good thing that creepy Nazi never gained any prominence after 2010, huh?

Let’s go Musk-huntin’, boys. Lock and load!

Scarlett Johansson had an initial freak-out moment when she first saw her character’s catsuit, wondering how she was going to be able to move in such a tight costume.
Johansson was infamously packing two six-shooters in her sock holsters, and when she has an “initial freak-out moment” you better hit the fucking decks.

According to Don Cheadle, he tried to make the role of Stark’s right-hand man Rhodes his own, but eventually stole as much as possible from Terrence Howard’s performance in the first film to bring him to life.
“I wanted to make it my own, but I also wanted to be lazy.” Whatever, Don Cheadle.