Tagline:
Every generation has a legend. Every journey has a first step. Every saga has a beginning.

Wide Release Date:
May 19, 1999

Directed by:
George Lucas
Written by:
George Lucas
Produced by:
Rick McCallum

Starring:
Liam Neeson
Ewan McGregor
Natalie Portman
Jake Lloyd
Ian McDiarmid
Anthony Daniels
Kenny Baker
Pernilla August
Frank Oz

PREGAME THOUGHTS

This movie was the biggest thing in the world when I was 11-years-old. I couldn’t have cared less, but it was everywhere. My Nickelodeon magazine had an interview with Jake Lloyd where it was like “HEY, JAKE, WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?”

I know about the infamous Jar Jar Binks, I know Qui-Gon Jinn is Obi-Wan Kenobi’s mentor, and I know that Natalie Portman is in it. I’m assuming Jake Lloyd is whiny little brat, and I’m assuming that people dislike this movie because Jake Lloyd is a whiny little brat.

Everything I know about this movie I pieced together from “Weird” Al Yankovic’s “The Saga Begins” song. I’ll talk about that later.

THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Planet Naboo is getting blocked by the Trade Federation. It seems that the Trade Federation isn’t happy about new taxes on major trade routes! If you’re 11-years-old and watching this movie, such politics are dreadfully boring. If you’re 35, yay politics! Taxes! Federal regulations! Fun fun fun!

Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and his pee-wee rookie Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) are dispatched by the Republic to negotiate terms with the Trade Federation representatives, members of the Neimodian race who are awfully racist ancient Chinese stereotypes. Neimodian Viceroy Nute Gunray (Silas Carson) is ordered by a mysterious Trade Federation benefactor to kill the Jedi. They escape unharmed and flee to Naboo. We get to see a lot of lightsaber wavin’ in the process.

While on Naboo, the planet gets invaded by an army of whozits. The Jedi get caught up in the invasion, and Qui-Gon Jinn accidentally rescues the insufferable Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) from the skirmish. This stupid lizard alien Gungan thing is all like “MEESA SO HAPPY” and takes the two Jedi to his underwater city where he has been exiled by his tribe for being a doofus. Jar Jar’s tribe allows him to go with the Jedi. He’s like “OOOOH BOY MEESA SO HAPPY” and then doesn’t get killed at all for the duration of the movie for some reason.

MEESA GRATEFUL FOR SEAT AT YOUSA DINNER TABLE! LOOKEE LOOKEE, MEESA ATE ALL THE GREEN BEANS!

The group makes it to Naboo’s capital city, where they save Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman OR Kiera Knightley, depending on the scene) and escape Naboo. On their way to wherever, the ship gets damaged and they have to make an emergency landing on Tatooine, Home of the Skywalkers. Queen Amidala disguises herself as a handmaid and they all go into town to find a new part for their ship, where they meet young Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd). This kid’s a whiz with robots and space pods. He’s the one that made C-3PO, the flamboyant droid we all “know” and “love”. Qui-Gon senses the Force within this kid. All kinds of Force. The Force is just bursting out of his ears.

Anakin is a slave to some CGI bird named Watto. Since Qui-Gon only has Chuck E. Cheese tokens, he can’t pay for a new ship part. He instead bets for the part, and for Anakin’s freedom, on a race. If Anakin wins, yada yada yada. After a 4 hour podrace scene, Anakin wins and he gets to leave Tatooine to become a Jedi! His mother frowns but it’s for the best, isn’t it?

Geez, this writeup already feels long. Before leaving Tatooine, Qui-Gon encounters Darth Maul (Raymond Park) for about a minute where they exchange karate moves. He escapes unscathed, but we haven’t seen the last of Darth Maul!

If it pleases the Queen, your highness, I suggest lobbying for more Mike & Ikes in the vending machines.

Queen Amidala is escorted to Federation HQ where she pleads her case to the Senate on behalf of her planet. Naboo’s Senator Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid, and yes, that Palpatine) convinces Amidala to call for a vote of no confidence until a new leader is put into place. Meanwhile, the Jedi Council consisting of Samuel L. Jackson and a green Muppet are like “no” when asked if Anakin can be a Jedi. Qui-Gon takes him under his own wing instead, but he’s going to die later so that won’t work out very well. Spoiler alert.

Amidst all this, Amidala is all sorts of “fuck you” about the politics and decides to go back to Naboo while Palptine sticks around. There, she convinces all the Jar Jar Binksians to help her in the fight against the Trade Federation. A lot of stuff happens! I’ll wrap this up quickly: Darth Maul kills Qui-Gon, with Qui-Gon requesting Obi-Wan to train the little punk. Yoda begrudgingly accepts this apprenticeship. I think Darth Maul died too, but that doesn’t make sense! I thought he shows up later!

A double-sided lightsaber is cheating and you fucking know it.

Everyone goes home and has cake.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

“Weird” Al’s “The Saga Begins” has been lost on me all these years. I had no idea that the song gives away the plot of the whole movie, from start to finish! I’ve been listening to that song for decades, and I probably know all the words, but it was all gibberish to me this whole time. I have a whole new appreciation for the song now, and I owe “Weird” Al a debt I will never pay back. Even if I’m tortured into it. You heard me, “Al”. Back off.

I didn’t think this movie was a bad as everyone makes it out to be. I certainly liked it better than Return of the Jedi with its fucking Ewoks. But, then again, I don’t have childhood memories of the original trilogy to hang onto. I don’t even have childhood memories of the prequel trilogy. All I have are fresh eyes on all things Star Wars, and I’m here to tell you that Episode I isn’t half-bad.

Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder on Coruscant? They call it a “pile of shit”.

I thought Jake Lloyd did a good job as a whiny little kid Anakin; you could do so, so much worse than that. Darth Vader’s origin story is fascinating to me, and the progression from mechnically-inclined little slave kid to Jedi to evil former Jedi is going to good to watch. I also found intrigue in the politics behind the Trade Federation cutting off Naboo and Senator Palpatine pulling some strings behind the scenes, hinting at the evil motherfucker he would soon become. These plot points are juicy, sir. I like me some juicy plot points.

And how about that podracing scene? I’m no fan of action scenes — I’ll be the first AND last person to tell you such a thing — but that was a legitimately tense race. EDGE OF MY SEAT. Do you notice that there wasn’t any music during the whole scene? I did! Definitely a good decision, it added to the tension.

I thought Liam Neeson’s portrayal of Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn was perfect. Certainly my favorite character in the film; thoughtful, mild-mannered, Jedi-like you might say. Too bad he died, though. He would’ve made a much better mentor to Anakin, better than Obi-Wan Poopypants Magoo. Maybe we’ll see Obi-Wan’s failures to keep Anakin away from the dark side in the next film.

As you can see, I have nothing intelligent to say about this movie! Moving on.

TOPIC 2 — Jar Jar Binks

What a fucking loser, this guy. That is all.

MEESA KNOWING MEESA MAKE BIG CRAP IN MEESA PANTS.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Ewan McGregor recalled that his performance in the film consisted of “walking into rooms and looking up”.
Fuck. I can do that. Give me $1,000,000 and I’ll wear my hair all stupid and look up at things all day.

Sets were built only as high as the tops of the actors’ heads, and computer graphics filled in the rest. Liam Neeson was so tall that he cost the set crew an extra $150,000 in construction.
They should’ve chopped his head off and let computer graphics fill in the rest.

Reportedly, after a light-saber scene, Ewan McGregor could be overheard muttering, “‘Do I want to be in Star Wars?’ Fuck yeah!”
McGregor was then swiftly removed from the set for his foul language and received a spanking by George Lucas himself.

The sound of the hovering battle tanks used by the battle droids was created by running an electric razor around a metal salad bowl, and then digitally lowering the pitch.
The sound of Jar Jar Binks talking was created by throwing potato salad against a wall and then fucking it.

Keira Knightley reported to have “cried every single day” due to finding the wardrobe uncomfortable.
Child abuse. George Lucas is a despot, making Keira Knightley wear a wardrobe outfitted with spikes that poked her abdomen for hours upon hours.

According to Ahmed Best, the backlash against Jar Jar got so bad that he briefly considered committing suicide, but decided not to for the sake of his young son.
What a pussy.

George Lucas based Chancellor Valorum on Bill Clinton, calling him “a good man, but he’s beleaguered”.
Ok, Georgie. Let’s keep those $1 words to yourself lest people find out that you’re smarter than your fat neck looks.

A good man, he is. But beleaguered, he be.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

It’s ok. The podracing scene alone is worth the price of admission. The Darth Maul lightsaber fight is supposed to be a classic, but this is the first time I’m really mentioning it so that goes to show how much of an impression it really made on me!

I heard Jake Lloyd got picked on so much for being Anakin Skywalker that he routinely cried and pooped his pants at school. That gets an lol from me. That’s the best part of The Phantom Menace by a long shot, I’d say.