Tagline:
Return to a galaxy far, far away…

Wide Release Date:
May 25, 1983

Directed by:
Richard Marquand
Screenplay by:
Lawrence Kasdan, George Lucas
Story by:
George Lucas
Produced by:
Howard Kazanjian

Starring:
Mark Hamill
Harrison Ford
Carrie Fisher
Billy Dee Williams
Anthony Daniels
David Prowse
Kenny Baker
Peter Mayhew
Frank Oz

PREGAME THOUGHTS

THIS IS THE ONE WITH PRINCESS LEIA IN A BIKINI.

I had seen this movie in a high school science fiction class and it bored me to tears. I couldn’t have been less interested. Besides becoming sweaty and excited like every other 15ish-year-old who sees most of Carrie Fisher’s skin, I remember Jabba the Hutt and the Ewoks. I remember hating the Ewoks. I literally don’t remember a single other thing.

I’m going into this one knowing that it’s considered a step back after The Empire Strikes Back, and that’s ok. It’s not like people don’t love this one, too. And it may not entirely be because of Princess Leia in a bikini.

But it might be.

THE 650(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

It’s one year after the events of The Empire Strikes Back, which would put this at 4 ABY. Do I have that right? 4 ABY? Anyone?

In that time, carbonited Han Solo (Harrison Ford) had been sent to Jabba the Hutt. C-3PO and R2-D2 had been sent to Jabba to trade for Han.. Disguised as a bounty hunter trading in Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) arrives on Tatooine to rescue Han. She succeeds, except for the part where she gets captured and enslaved. She wears a sexy bikini during this time. I will NOT post the photo here, you can look it up elsewhere on the internet, you horny douchebag.

Let’s hurry up and get the hell out of this subpar sequel.

Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), not knowing that Leia rescued Han, shows up for his end of the trade deal. Instead, Jabba the Hutt drops him down a trapdoor to get killed and eaten by a monster! Luke kills it, which pisses Jabba off further. Now Luke, Han, and Leia are all sentenced to death. They are to be eaten by another monster! This predicament will be harder to wriggle out of! But they do! Luke is able to free himself and his buddies while Leia strangles Jabba with chains. Boba Fett succumbs to the monster. The good guys escape.

Luke heads back to Dagobah where he witnesses Yoda (Frank Oz) dying of very old age. Before he dies, Yoda confirms that Darth Vader (James Earl Jones) is indeed Luke’s father, Anakin Skywalker. He also reveals that there is “another Skywalker”, which puzzles our handsome protagonist. Meanwhile, the rest meet up with the Rebel Alliance to shoot some pool and have some beers and, oh yeah, they need to work on destroying a second Death Star that Vader is building up. Eek.

Obi-Wan’s Force Ghost confirms Yoda’s message that there is “another Skywalker”. It’s Leia. Leia is Luke’s twin sister. No wonder he finds her hot.

Darth Vader is under the surveillance of Emperor Palpatine, who really needs Vader to not fuck things up this time. Elsewhere, the Alliance learns that there’s a energy shield around the Death Star being powered by a moon of planet Endor, so we get to see the Ewoks ruin the rest of the movie. Vader captures Luke and brings him to Palpatine, who intends to sway Luke to the dark side. Oh, yeah, and also, Endor is a trap! His friends are gonna be in trouble! Yet again!

Emperor Palpatine is giving me palpitations! LOL LOL LOL!

And ‘lo, there are Imperial troops on Endor’s moon who are ready to ambush Han Solo, Leia, etc. The Ewoks help fend them off, which allows Han to destroy the energy shield. Hooray!

Lando Calrissian and some squid named Admiral Ackbar lead the fleet to destroy the Death Star. But oh no! The shields are still active! Boom goes a Rebel ship!

Vader and Palpatine keep goading Luke to join the dark side, but Luke keeps making faces and saying “no, never!” When Luke attempts to attack Palpatine, Vader interferes and he and Luke have a swordfight for about 20 minutes. During the duel, Vader uses his Force-fueled telepathic abilities and learns that Luke has a sister. Perhaps he’ll sway her to the dark side instead. Luke makes faces and says “no, never!” and then kicks Vader’s ass and that’s the end of that.

With Vader defeated, Palpatine orders Luke to take his place. Luke makes faces and says “no, never!” and declares himself to be an Almighty Jedi. Palpatine gets pissed and starts zapping Luke with electricity. In a weird moment of unrealistic anti-heel turn, Vader is like “fuck you, Emperor” and throws the guy down a shaft, killing him. Luke and Vader kiss and make up. Vader dies in Luke’s arms after revealing his ugly mug.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Rebels destroy the Death Star’s shield generator, and Lando destroys the Death Star’s power core. Luke escapes the ship he’s on. There’s a party on Endor with the Rebel Alliance and the teddy bears. Han tells Leia he’ll stay out of her and Luke’s way if they want to become romantically entwined, but Leia admits to Han that Luke is merely her brother! And, yes, she’d still like to fuck him, please.

End of movie.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

I’m going to catch heat someday when people actually read this blog, but I wasn’t really into Return of the Jedi. Weak link of the original trilogy by a long shot.

It’s the Ewoks’ fault. Isn’t it always the Ewoks’ fault? The Ewoks with their primitive weapons taking down the Empire? Their cozy little furry bodies ripe for marketing? Fuck the Ewoks. I hate the Ewoks. Maybe if I had watched this when I was five, I’d be whistling a different tune!

The whole scene in Jabba palace’s sucked. Muppets. Muppets everywhere. I’m a fair-weather Star Trek: TNG and I used to cringe at how awful some of the costumes and make-up were, but Jabba’s Palace of Shitty Muppets was on a whole different level. They should’ve had Grover in the background flailing around, then I would’ve found something redeeming about the Muppets. And that dance number? I almost had a heart attack.

Please, oh please, Lord! Anything but the Muppets!

I thought the final confrontation between Luke and Vader was… kind of lame? The lightsaber fight choreography was definitely better than the one between Vader and Obi-Wan in A New Hope where Obi-Wan did that little spin for no reason, but what motivation does Vader really have for giving a shit about Luke? What motivation does Luke really have for giving a shit about Vader? I simply cannot believe they reconciled at the end, after all that. After what probably amounts to two decades of immorality and evilness and killing endless droves of people? After spending all that time as a bootlicking subservient to Emperor Palpatine? He’s just going pick him up like a sack of poop and toss him over a railing? He’s just going to be like “you were right, Luke, gimme a kiss” after twenty minutes? Eat my balls.

Han and Leia are cute, thought. Whatever, I’m allowed to like that. And Lando didn’t die? I can’t believe Lando didn’t die! I always thought that Lando dies! I would have bet my life on Lando dying. Where the hell did I get that idea from? Lando should’ve died.

Other than that, the movie was fantastic! All twenty minutes of the rest of it.

TOPIC 2 — Slave Leia

Slave Leia is the elephant in every room where people are having a Return of the Jedi discussion. I’m here to settle it here and now, once and for all! This little corner of the internet will have the voice of reason that everyone needs to see.

Princess Leia is very pretty.

With that out of the way… in defense of the Slave Leia scenes, obviously she was a slave. The implication was that she was going to be raped by this giant, gross space slug. Raped handily! It was not a good situation! She was forced to wear that outfit and she was chained up. People say it completely goes against the strong character she was built up to be in A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, but that was the point. She was stripped of her badassery by an oppressive criminal overlord in a humiliating and demeaning fashion! It makes sense.

On the other hand, I can agree that the real, possibly intentional objectification going on here. George Lucas was like “hey, let’s make our only female character show a lot of skin so that all my male teenage fans, plus me, can jerk off”. This kind of oversexualization does seem out of place in family-friendly Star Wars, where Muppets reign supreme. I don’t agree at all with the argument that it’s uncharacteristic of Leia. It wasn’t her choice. She was held in captivity. Come on, people.

Also, she’s very pretty. Don’t hold that one against me. I’ll do my due diligence and not post it here on my blog! See, I’m a gentleman.

See? She’s wearing all of her clothes. I’m very respectful.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The Jabba the Hutt puppet took Stuart Freeborn’s team three months to build, cost $500,000 to make, and weighed 2,000 pounds.
Stupid. The Jabba the Hutt puppet that I made cost $750,000 to build and weighs 4,500 pounds. It’s out on my front lawn next to my giant inflatable Christmas Snoopy.

The slithery noises made when Jabba the Hutt moves were created by sound designer Ben Burtt running his hands through a cheese casserole.
Seventeen cheese casseroles were sacrificed in the making of the film.

Darth Vader’s footsteps were recorded in underground tunnels by the Golden Gate Bridge to help create an ominous effect.
Cast and crew were free, and encouraged, to commit suicide on the bridge if they so chose.

The 1997 CD-ROM Star Wars: Behind the Magic confirms that the sequence showing the cremation of Darth Vader’s body and armor was directed by George Lucas, although uncredited.
I miss the days when 1997 CD-ROMs were around to confirm all sorts of mundane trivia. Bring back the CD-ROMs!

Carrie Fisher’s birthmark (near the small of her back) is visible in the desert scene where she turns her back to the camera to swing around a mounted laser gun.
Mouthbreathers spent hours of “research” analyzing every frame to pinpoint the exact moment the birthmark was visible on camera. The birthmark resembles a portrait of Richard Nixon eating pizza.

Originally, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Anakin Skywalker were to be resurrected and join the celebration on Endor.
“We didn’t want to miss the awesome party!”

Oh, Luke. Put that thing away. No one is scared of you.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

This is a tough one. You have to watch this if you watched the first two movies, that goes without saying. It’s a necessity of the highest order and degree! Don’t even think about avoiding this movie! Are you fucking insane?

As an adult, this movie blows. I’ll never watch it again. If you’ve gone 3+ decades without seeing Return of the Jedi, then you’re missing absolutely nothing. Except Slave Leia. Look it up on the internet, this is the 21st century.